The Bachelor
February 13, 2024
Instead of our usual flashforward*, we pick up this episode where we left off in the last: with Frodo smugly telling Joey that she’s trying to navigate this entire Margaret McPoyle thing with “grace” — by bullying other women who are nice to Margaret McPoyle — while Margaret McPoyle keens that SHE JUST WANTS TO GO HOME.
To Frodo’s disappointment, however, Margaret McPoyle pulls her shit together and goes into the rose ceremony, because what’s the harm at this point: she already has a rose and it’s unlikely that Joey is going to take it away from her (though not unheard of).
Get it together and line up, it’s time to hand out some roses:
Rose #1: Voodoo Doll
Rose #2: Ms. Science
Rose #3: Christmas Tree
Rose #4: Lei Me
Rose #5: Go-Kart Girl
Rose #6: Fall
Rose #7: Starla
Rose #8: Lots of Balls
Rose #9: Frodo
Which means the women who must go away now are: Younger Sister — whose heart didn’t really seem into it after Older Sister self-eliminated, and Force-Feeding. Both of whom, coincidentally, I’m sure, also happened to be Margaret McPoyle’s staunchest allies and defenders. Because it’s not like the producers are just going to let a contestant hang out to dry, right?
Force Feeding: You were a badass who deserved better.
Younger Sister, you deserve Paradise, which is where we will see you next, I am certain.
Here are the ladies who have been eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:
Here are the women along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Joey:
Joey then announces their next destination: Andalucia, Spain! ¡Olé!
In Spain, Joey helpfully explains that the country has natural beauty, good food, and that its streets looks different than other places’ streets. Give this man his own travel series.
As for the women, they are having a sangria party when Joey pulls up on a Vespa, chats with them for five seconds before inviting Voodoo Doll on the first one-on-one date.
Literally, all of the other women:
As for their date, Joey and Voodoo Doll drive around on the Vespa, pick up some jamon and queso for a picnic, kick a soccer ball around with some locals, are told by an older couple that a local fountain is “magic,” and enjoy said picnic across from the Puente Nuevo.
That evening they have dinner in a 13th century bathhouse — or the ruins thereof — where Voodoo Doll opens up about her family. Long story short: when Voodoo Doll was about 15, her mother was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer, and she passed away two months later. The idea of her mother not being there for her big moments, like her wedding, bums her out. But she does believe in signs and thinks that when she sees a butterfly, it’s her mother telling her she’s there with her.
Joey assures her that her mother would be proud of the woman she’s become, and insists that he can see how much she is like her mom, which is a nice, if meaningless thing to say since, of course, he’s never met her mother. But sure.
He also obviously offers her the date rose and she accepts, while gawping in an interview that she’s falling for Joey.
Back at the hotel, the group date card is delivered: “Sporty Spice; Christmas Tree; Go-Kart Girl; Fall; Margaret McPoyle; Ms. Science; Lots of Balls; Frodo; Starla; Miss Universe Jamaica Barbie: Our Love is like a work of art. Joey.”
Which means that Lei Me receives the final one-on-one of the week, and she’s thrilled to be on a “proper date with [her] husband.”
But first the group date: the women are brought to a beautiful villa in Marbella, where Joey introduces them to some woman he claims is a mixed-media artist. In reality, she appears to make the Spanish equivalent of “Live, Laugh, Love” paintings.
She explains that their task today is to come up with a single sentence to express how they feel about Joey, and then paint something that reflects that sentiment. They will show their paintings to the group who will then try to figure out what on Earth they’re trying to say.
This is much easier said than done, dear reader.
The women think and journal and stare off meaningfully into the distance. They finally start painting and Frodo, she’s convinced she’s got this one sewn up, all the while bitching bitching bitching that Margaret McPoyle is still there.
As for Margaret McPoyle, she’s unbothered.
The women show their paintings and explain their meanings, and in the end, Starla’s painting of a pair of wedding rings wins, and she is awarded a fun activity with Joey. Frodo is furious and really leans into her newfound villainy. “She will never end up with him,” Frodo hisses, “but one can be delusional.”
OH SOMEONE IS DELULU. Someone is definitely suffering from a raging case of delulu.
And I will just add here that in contrast as Starla and Joey head off for their activity, Margaret McPoyle notes that Starla is “beaming” and seems so happy — and Margaret McPoyle seemed genuinely happy for her.
JEEZ, STOP ATTACKING EVERYONE, MARGARET MCPOYLE.
Starla’s reward is that she and Joey do what is traditionally a Paradise activity: they put on bathing suits and roll around in paint together. And I guess someone must think this is super sexy, but it just feels messy and sticky to me.
That evening, the group reassembles for the cocktail party, where Joey encourages the women to continue expressing their feelings.
With her time with him, Go-Kart Girl tells him it was hard to watch him go on the date with Voodoo Doll, and Miss Universe Jamaica Barbie tells Joey that she’s developing strong feelings for him which is why she is struggling to watch him be with other people.
Then there’s Margaret McPoyle who shares her sob story with Joey. When Margaret McPoyle was a baby, a cement truck fell on top of the car that she and her mother were in (!!!). It’s a miracle she and her mother lived, in fact. However, because of the terrible injuries that her mom suffered, she wasn’t able to be the mother she wanted to be to Margaret McPoyle, and left when she was very young (? It’s confusing because it sounds like her mother abandoned her, but then she says her father stood by her mother, and so I don’t know what the situation is). Margaret McPoyle tries to remain positive, and cherish what she has because she appreciates that nothing is a given.
And that’s pretty much all Joey needs to hear; he gives Margaret McPoyle the group date rose.
Frodo and Starla:
Back at the hotel, Lei Me receives her date card: “Bailamos, mi amor. Love, Joey.”
True to the card, Joey and Lei Me take a flamenco dance lesson, despite the fact that Joey is wearing shorts and flamenco dancing requires heeled boots.
Once they’ve practiced for 15 minutes, Joey and Lei Me are given proper flamenco outfits and are forced to perform in front of a bemused Spanish audience. We are not privy to the actual performance, so we will just have to assume that it was a flaming disaster.
That evening over dinner, it’s Lei Me’s turn to open up to Joey, and her big story is that she’s an ICU nurse, and some people can’t handle dating someone with such a stressful, demanding job.
And listen, does this compare to dead parents and concrete trucks falling on cars and endometriosis and lupus-induced hearing loss? No. But do average people who haven’t experienced deep tragedy also deserve love? Of course! And so Joey gives her the date rose, they kiss under fireworks, the end.
With that, we head to the next cocktail party and rose ceremony. Joey spends some time with Christmas Tree, who, as she did the first night, checks in on Joey and how he’s doing (which is also why she’s going to win, just sayin’); Go-Kart Girl pulls out a stethoscope to listen to his heart; and Miss Universe Jamaica Barbie and Joey talk about their red outfits before making out.
Meanwhile, Starla panics because she hasn’t had time with him yet.
When Joey is visiting with Ms. Science, Margaret McPoyle interrupts to have a conversation with him, not that Ms. Science seems to mind much. She returns to the other women and tells them that Margaret McPoyle stole Joey, but was very sweet about it.
“THE FUCKING DISRESPECT!” Starla rages. Voodoo Doll, who also has a date rose, is like, “I mean, it’s not outrageous that she might want to have a conversation with him even though she already has a rose,” but Starla insists that she’s been “disrespected” and “lost time” because of Margaret McPoyle in “so many different scenarios.”
I have no idea what she’s talking about. I can only assume she’s mad that the drama surrounding Margaret McPoyle has cost them all time with Joey … but is that truly Margaret McPoyle’s fault? Or is it because the insane women who have some weird vendetta against her keep throwing fits and causing everyone else to lose time with Joey when he has to attend to their tantrums about Margaret McPoyle?
It doesn’t much matter, though, because Starla has clearly bought and paid for her seat on the vendetta train.
When Margaret McPoyle returns from her time with Joey, Starla sneers that it was a “pretty early conversation for someone with a rose.” Margaret McPoyle asks her if she has a problem with her talking to Joey and Starla replies that it was “disrespectful.” When Margaret McPoyle demands to know how, exactly, it is disrespectful and Starla doesn’t answer, Margaret McPoyle is like, “That’s what I thought. Moving on.”
Starla is in DISBELIEF before calling Margaret McPoyle “so fucking rude,” and complaining about some incident that didn’t make it on air, something about Starla trying to insert herself into a conversation that Margaret McPoyle was having with someone else? Who cares, it doesn’t matter, the point is Starla jumps up to leave just as Margaret McPoyle urges her to “grow up.”
Starla begins yelling “YOU GROW UP, YOU GROW UP, BITCH!” as she storms away accompanied by Frodo of all people.
Meanwhile, Fall thinks this whole thing is hilarious:
In an interview, Starla sobs that she can only take so much and is “over this shit with Margaret McPoyle.” She adds that she’s scared because this isn’t the first time she’s lost time with Joey thanks to Margaret McPoyle.
No ma’am. You lost time with Joey because you were too busy running around sobbing about Margaret McPoyle instead of visiting with him.
And with that, wipe off your smeared mascara, ladies, and line up. It’s time for the second Rose Ceremony of the episode:
Rose #1: Go-Kart Girl
Rose #2: Miss Universe Jamaica Barbie
Rose #3: Christmas Tree
Rose #4: Frodo
Rose #5: Sporty Spice
Rose #6: Ms. Science
Rose #7: Starla
Which means it’s time to say goodbye to Lots of Balls and Autumn, my drama-loving new favorite. Goodbye, ladies, and enjoy your time in the old folks’ home, Lots of Balls.
Here are the ladies who have been eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:
Here are the women along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Joey:
The Bachelor airs on ABC on Mondays at 7/8 p.m. and streams on Hulu.
*Just wanted to make a quick comment here and thank reader Hallee for pointing out that the very first episode did not start with a flashback of Joey being dumped by Charity, but instead it was a flashforward of something emotional happening at the finale/proposal. It was the first flashforward, setting up the pattern that the rest of the episodes have followed with the exception of this one.