First, you chose The Orville, which as you all well know by now, I hated. Everyone was like, “What? It’s just a harmless little sci-fi spoof? Calm down!” BUT IT WASN’T. It was Seth MacFarlane — FAMILY GUY‘S SETH MACFARLANE — genuinely believing that he had created the true successor to Star Trek, but with more sex jokes. It was terrible, and I hated all of you for choosing it.
Then you chose Manifest, which had potential! It was a mystery box drama about a missing airplane that originally seemed to have some Lost DNA but quickly devolved into a completely insane procedural drama that for some reason had poorly-rendered CGI wolves and people vomiting for exceedingly long periods of time.
Then you chose Stumptown, and it was … fine. I can’t actually talk shit about Stumptown because it was fine. It was so fine, I gave up hate-blogging it after three two episodes because, honestly, I couldn’t bring myself to hate it, or care enough to recap it. Do consider that when you make your vote this year.
And then last year you chose … nothing because I didn’t play this game. There wasn’t a proper fall TV season thanks to COVID-19 and production shutdowns that dragged on through last summer.
But now we’re back to something resembling normalcy (at least in terms of TV production), and the fall TV season will return in two weeks from today. For some reason that I really need to discuss with a therapist, despite you all making VERY POOR CHOICES in the past, I’m willing to play this game with you jerks again, and I am putting my fall TV viewing fate in your hands. Now’s your chance to choose a one-hour drama for me to hate blog. I can’t promise that I will do it in a timely fashion — if Stumptown is any indication, I can’t even promise I’ll do my job. But I will certainly hear you out and do my best to hate recap whatever you choose for me.
This year’s selections look ripe with potential for y’all. We have two straight-up sci-fi dramas, a bunch of procedurals, a couple of series that clearly want to manipulate your emotions, and some lady dramas. I have every confidence that if there is a show that will piss me off, you people will find it.
This year’s hate blog contenders:
4400: A remake of the 2004 drama about 4400 people who had gone missing over the past century who mysteriously return one day, having not aged a day.
Category: Sci-fi reboot
(The CW, October 25)
The Big Leap: What if we made a drama about So You Think You Can Dance?
Category: Feel-good nonsense.
(Fox, September 20)
CSI: Vegas: CSI, but in Vegas (which, of course, is where it all began).
Category: Procedural: CSI Flavor.
(CBS, October 6)
FBI: International: FBI, but international.
Category: Procedural: FBI Flavor.
(CBS, September 21)
La Brea: A massive sinkhole opens up in the middle of Los Angeles, sucking hundreds of people into a primeval world filled with terrible CGI creatures. (Wait, is this where the Manifest wolf came from?)
Category: Mystery Box drama that will be canceled before any answers are given.
(NBC, September 28)
NCIS: Hawaii: NCIS but in Hawaii.
Category: Procedural: NCIS Flavor.
(CBS, September 20)
Ordinary Joe: A man’s life splits off into three very different possibilities: a rock star, a doctor, or a cop. It’s Sliding Doors, but a dude.
Category: Have we made you cry yet?
(NBC, September 20)
Our Kind of People: A soap opera about the rich and powerful Black community in Martha’s Vineyard.
Category: Rich people soap opera.
(Fox, September 21)
Queens: A former girl hip-hop group reunites to try to reclaim the fame they had back in the 90s.
Category: Empire but with girlboss energy.
(ABC, October 19)
So what is it going to be, you ghouls? I’m going to keep the polls open until the official start of the fall television schedule which begins two weeks from today, so I invite you to vote early and vote often:
I voted for “La Brea” because I NEED to know what I’m missing by finally having the sense to not watch that show, but my heart is with the reboot of “The 4400”, an underrated show that I enjoyed the first time around even if it lost the plot before getting unceremoniously canceled.