‘Bachelor in Paradise’: Going like hotcakes

Bachelor in Paradise
August 30, 2021

Alright. We begin this week in the aftermath of Groany McBad Joke and Nip/Tuck breaking the land speed record to the Boom Boom Room, having taken full advantage of it after one (1) date. That next morning nobody seems to know where they are … except everyone* knows EXACTLY where they are.

*(Except Cat Man.)

Nip/Tuck lets us know that while Cat Man is a really nice guy, Groany is, and I quote, “a dream man.”

R.I.P., Cat Man.

That morning, we have our next arrival: Chris from Clare’s season, and only Clare’s season because she eliminated him on night one. His nickname was “Waiting Chris” because he told Clare he had been waiting 139 days to meet her.

“Waiting Chris” = Chris

But the chyron for him labels him “Smoke Bro”? Am I missing something?

Well, sorta. Because when Waiting Chris heads down to the Welcome Gate, instead of being greeted by Lance Bass, he’s met by Chasen, also from Clare and Tayshia’s season, who I nicknamed “Sir Dumbass” because he arrived on the first night in a full set of armor.

“Sir Dumbass” = Chasen

And he, too, is labeled “Smoke Bro,” but at least his nickname is earned: he caught shit from the other dudes on Tayshia’s season when he referred to her as a “total smoke show.”

These two are THRILLED to see each other, and explain that if worst comes to worst and they are kicked out of Paradise, at least they have their bromance. And that’s sweet, but when did this “bromance” begin? Waiting Chris was on the show for all of 5 hours. But here they are, calling themselves “two smoke bros, looking for smoke shows.”

They enter into Paradise together and the women are all like, “YEP. YES PLEASE.” And thus begins the ritual in which the newbies chat with the available women to see who they would like to invite on their double date.

One of the people that Sir Dumbass chats with is Pageant Reina who suddenly realizes that as good as she has it with Old Naked Guy, she doesn’t want to necessarily want to close off other options. It’s a moot point at the moment, though, because Sir Dumbass invites Windmill Costume to join him on his date, and Waiting Chris invites Not Doormat. Both women accept the invitation, to Shit-Stirrer and Bobby Fischer’s disappointment.

As for the date, the two couples go to the resort where, in a space that is supposed to be decorated in a vaguely Asian style, they meet a flute-playing woman whom I am fairly certain we’ve met here in previous seasons. She introduces herself as an “intimacy guru” before ordering everyone on the triple XL bed behind her. Once on the bed, Intimacy Guru (and does becoming an Intimacy Guru require training? Is there a licensing process? Or can I just call myself an Intimacy Guru and start ruining people’s relationships for a nominal fee?) has the women lie on the bed with their eyes closed, while the men blow on different parts of their bodies.

No particular reason:

Then this lunatic announces that they will be practicing the “ancient secrets of the Kama Sutra.” To this end, the two couples begin replicating — fully dressed — various sexual poses.

These people met one hour ago.

After walking through this particular fire, Not Doormat and Waiting Chris have a chat where they discuss how many times they nearly kissed during the exercises, but didn’t. But don’t worry, kissing happens when they start passing pieces of fruit back and forth with their mouths.

Back in Paradise, Bobby Fischer is worried about Not Doormat being on this date, but not nearly as worried as he should be, as apparently Waiting Chris is the one person Not Doormat had wanted to mee on the beach.

Wait … hold on … him?

Also back in Paradise, Pageant Reina takes Old Naked Guy aside and informs him that while she wants to continue growing their relationship, she also would like to go on a date if someone were to ask. While she is interested in Old Naked Guy, she also doesn’t want to leave here with any regrets. He gets that, right? And he does get it! But he just wants to make sure this is a two-way street and isn’t about her expecting him to wait around for her to figure out what she wants, to try to have her cake and eat it, too. Pageant Reina insists that nothing has changed between them, it’s not an issue because she hasn’t been on a date, so there’s nothing to worry about! (But if someone does ask her out …)

As soon as they end their conversation, Pageant Reina begins to wonder if she just done fucked things up.

It’s a mystery!

Pageant Reina takes her concerns to Red Flag, telling her that it was a hard, but necessary conversation and she’d rather be honest with her feelings than surprise him in the event that she is asked on a date. That’s the right thing to do, right? And Red Flag heartily agrees with her: what Pageant Reina did was actually very respectful to Old Naked Guy, and anyway, it’s not like Paradise is ending tomorrow! They’re ALL dating each other at this point!

And to prove her point, Red Flag takes Old Naked Guy over to the Makeout Beach Bed, makes a bunch of not-subtle-at-all innuendoes, shoves her tongue down his throat, and shows him her nipples.

Pageant Reina and Little Miss Nice who happen to be nearby watching all of this happen:

“AND HERE I WAS THINKING HE WAS PLANNING TO DO SOMETHING CUTE FOR ME,” Pageant Reina cries in an interview.

Elsewhere in Paradise, Cat Man puts on his best … orange dual print romper? to try to win back Nip/Tuck’s affections, and the editors are so fond of this romper, that we literally spend five full minutes just taking in everyone’s reactions to it.

To be fair, it truly is … something.

Cat Man then checks in with Nip/Tuck, asking her how her date went before inviting her to join him on a mini-date that he has planned for her that night. Nip/Tuck doesn’t do the courageous thing and decline outright, but instead gives a non-committal, “Uhhhh … let’s see how the day goes and whether or not I end up back in the ‘Boom Boom Room’ with Groany.”

Moments later, Tahzjuan takes Cat Man aside and warns him about “people slipping into their old ways,” before mentioning that Nip/Tuck and Groany spent the night together.

Cat Man:

Tahzjuan pretends to be surprised that Cat Man didn’t know this already, but come on. We all know she likes mess. Anyway, Cat Man has a sad.

Also struggling to understand her relationship (“relationship”) is Come Hither, who remains frustrated that Bowtie refuses to make the first move and just kiss her already. Lance Bass swoops in and asks her what the problem is, and she explains that she’s concerned that Bowtie might just be using her for her rose so that he can be there if/when Mrs. James arrives in Paradise. Lance Bass just drives right over those very legitimate concerns and urges Come Hither to make the first move. It’s 2021, girl, get it for your damn self.

So later that day, Come Hither gives Bowtie a back massage as a pretense to put her hands all over him, and hey! Guess what! It works! And soon Bowtie is kissing her, realizing that if he doesn’t, he might not be getting a rose the next day. And this dummy, she falls for it hook, line and sinker. My shuttle bus will be waiting for you at the airport, Come Hither.

That evening, another date card arrives: “Grocery Joe: It’s time to fight for love.”

Grocery Joe invites Queen’s Gambit to join him, and she happily accepts.

They head over to the resort, where the production staff has set a dinner table in the middle of a Lucha Libre ring because: ¡MEXICO! There they chat about how Grocery Joe actually kinda hates Paradise and wouldn’t still be there but for her. They also discuss Taxiderpy and the fact that his relationship with her didn’t work out because they couldn’t agree on where to live. Queen’s Gambit asks Grocery Joe if Taxiderpy had been willing to move to Chicago if they’d still be together …

The producers watching this knowing full well they are bringing Taxiderpy back to Paradise:

Grocery Joe admits that he doesn’t know, but adds that it’s a moot point. Whatever was romantic between himself and Taxiderpy is over now.

He then asks Queen’s Gambit about her romantic past and considering she’s 12, it’s surprising that she even has one. But she explains that there was one person that she thought was The One, but ultimately he didn’t put in as much effort as she did and it ended.

They then talk about how nervous Queen’s Gambit made poor Grocery Joe when she first talked to him, before both of them are forced to put on leotards and “wrestle.”

Back in Paradise, the group date returns and Bobby Fischer takes Not Doormat aside to try to figure out where she — and they — are at. She admits her mind is all over the place, before explaining that he and Waiting Chris were the only two guys she wanted to meet in Paradise. Bobby Fischer “checks so many boxes” but there’s a spark with Waiting Chris that she hasn’t felt with Bobby Fischer. Bobby Fischer asks which is more important to her: the boxes or the spark? And to Not Doormat’s credit, she is honest and tells him that a spark is not something that can be forced. Bobby Fischer is like “OK COOL WELL I HAVE HEARD ENOUGH,” and stalks off, leaving a crying Not Doormat.

Also anxious about the double date is Shit-Stirrer, which is understandable seeing as he had a more dubious connection with Windmill Costume than Bobby Fischer had with Not Doormat, and look how that turned out. When the group returns to Paradise, Shit-Stirrer takes Windmill Costume aside to talk and to give her a bracelet that he keeps stressing is “from Miami” as if Miami is someplace known for bracelets?

OH BUT ALSO:

His attempt to give her this bracelet is interrupted multiple times by Sir Dumbass who hovers nearby, just radiating insecurity. Shit-Stirrer is understandably irritated.

Later, the entire cast (minus Grocery Joe and Queen’s Gambit) enjoy a bonfire, where Groany McBad Joke Esq. starts firing out very intrusive questions, like where is the craziest place they’ve had sex, and with whom on the beach they’d like to have sex. To this second question, Old Naked Guy responds “Pageant Reina,” and on that cue, Red Flag appears with a birthday cake for Old Naked Guy who apparently had to spend his 40th birthday in quarantine for this dumb show. While Pageant Reina shoots laser beams into Red Flag’s face, the cast sings “Happy Birthday” to grandpa.

Red Flag then drags Old Naked Guy up to one of those balcony spaces which she (“she” and not “the production assistants”) decorated for his birthday, complete with a sign and a condom-filled piñata.

Subtle.

Meanwhile, Pageant Reina throws Red Flag’s cake into the bonfire, while Groany, who was looking forward to having a slice, looks on in disappointment.

When Old Naked Guy and Red Flag rejoin the group, people immediately tattle on Pageant Reina for throwing the cake in the fire, which Red Flag finds hilarious, because it is.

Pageant Reina then takes Red Flag aside to tell her that she feels betrayed by her. Red Flag is all, “too bad, so sad, but you’re the one who said she wanted to date other people. That’s what he’s doing!” Pageant Reina tries to clarify that she meant she wanted to go on dates with other men, not that it was OK for Old Naked Guy to date other people. Pageant Reina points out that when asked, Old Naked Guy said that he wanted to fuck her, and Red Flag is like, “SO WHAT? I WANT TO FUCK EVERYONE HERE!” And to be fair, she absolutely does.

Anyway, their conversation concludes with Red Flag inviting Pageant Reina to “suck [her] asshole.”

Pageant Reina then confronts Old Naked Guy about being with Red Flag and insists that he misunderstood her. She just wanted to be able to go on a date if someone had a date card, she didn’t want him making out with other people in front of her! So, Old Naked Guy clarifies, it’s fine to date other people as long as it’s done behind closed doors? Pageant Reina insists this is not what she means! (It is exactly what she means.) Old Naked Guy reminds her that she created this mess before walking away.

Meanwhile, Tahzjuan is losing her damn mind and talking to no one in particular about how people are “checking her” and saying “Tahz can’t pee,” and “Tahz can’t poop,” before screaming into the ocean for no apparent reason?

But we’re not done with the chaos yet because apparently Rowdy Roddy Piper looked around and realized that she was supposed to be villain-ing this whole time and has been slipping on the job. To make up for lost time, she grabs Half-Witted Villain, and walking him right past Aggro, takes him over to the make-out bed to make out.

Aggro, Ball Pit and James-in-a-Box:

Oh, and also, Red Flag takes Old Naked Guy to the Boom Boom Room for some boom boom.

The next evening is the Rose Ceremony, and at this point, besides Grocery Joe and Queen’s Gambit WHO EVEN KNOWS WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN WITH THESE LUNATICS?

Lance Bass arrives at the Breakup Palapa and wishes them all good luck. He and his husband fell in love on this very beach (well, probably not that exact beach) and honeymooned there. He hopes they all find something equally special.

With that, he dismisses them to mingle for a while, and Aggro makes a beeline for Half-Witted Villain, demanding that they GO TALK. NOW.

Out on the beach, Aggro confronts Half-Witted Villain about making out with Rowdy right in front of him, but Half-Witted is like, “What am I gonna do, bro? She pulled me aside, she kissed me.” Aggro is all, “I KNEW YOU WERE GONNA SAY THAT.” Which yeah? And maybe the person Aggro should have confronted was Rowdy?

Speaking of Rowdy, she watches Aggro and Half-Witted from the Breakup Palapa, and is all, “oh no what is happening this is terrible …”

TO BE CONTINUED.

Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays and Tuesdays on ABC at 7/8 p.m.

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