The Real Housewives of New York
“Electile Dysfunction”
June 15, 2021
Last we left these women, they were in their ’70s Halloween costumes preparing to go to their party/beauty pageant, when Leah straight-up lost her damn mind, screamed at Heather for discussing Leah’s intentions to vote (or lack thereof), and hurled her bouquet of flowers at Heather on the party bus before storming off and yelling about Heather being a psycho.
Heather follows Leah back in the house and insists that she can’t scare her away, and Leah, who had just seconds ago declared that she was leaving the Hamptons to be with her family, is now gathering her hula hoops and demanding that they just go to the party already. Leah explains that she is in the WORST MOOD, but that The Countess planned this whole night, and she’s not going to let this amazing Halloween makeup go to waste.
They all reboard the party bus, where, calmer, Leah asks Heather what, exactly, she said about her and her voting plans. And that’s when Eboni is like “LISTEN, MAYBE I MISSPOKE AND HEATHER NEVER CALLED YOU IRRESPONSIBLE. MY BAD.”
Leah notes that she’s very stressed over her dying grandmother, and the last thing she needs tonight is someone criticizing her about politics. And on that note, she apologizes to Heather for losing it on her, and Heather accepts it, and as quickly as Leah’s insanity had blown up, it had blown over.
The women finally arrive at the party venue, where they are greeted by The Countess’ daughter and friends and outfitted with sashes, over Ramona’s protests that her sash is covering up the cleavage she paid GOOD MONEY FOR.
We then are “treated” to the pageant: Ramona is Miss Southhampton; Sonja is Miss Upper East Side; The Countess is Miss Sag Harbor; Eboni is Miss City Hall; Heather is Miss Upper West Side; and Miss Downtown is obviously Leah.
They then get right to their talents, though I would much rather hear them answer typical questions like, “What kind of obstacles did you have to overcome to compete in this pageant?” or “If you could have any superhuman power what would it be?” or “What do you think about Antifa?”
But instead, we have to sit through baton twirling and Ramona doing push-ups and bad hula hooping, and half-hearted cheering and a poem about Black women, and, by far the best talent of the night, Sonja the Mime pulling scarves out of her cooch to represent “Fuck, Marry, Kill.”
GIVE SONJA ALL OF THE PRIZES.
Instead, Miss City Hall is crowned second runner-up; Miss Sag Harbor is crowned first runner-up; and Miss Downtown wins the whole thing, and she has a full-on, Live Through This/Olivia Rodrigo crying moment (who, of course, stole it from the OG prom queen: Carrie, but go on with your whinging, Courtney Love).
And though The Countess pretends to be OUTRAGED at the loss, and snatches at Leah’s crown, she reveals in an interview that she actually arranged for Leah to win because she needed it. And that’s very sweet, especially for The Countess, BUT SONJA WAS ROBBED.
The next morning, Leah is long gone, having left for New Jersey. Apparently, her grandmother didn’t make it through the night, which she reveals to the other women in a group text. Ramona struggles to respond to the message, until The Countess advises, wisely, against saying anything to Leah right now. Now is not the time for these sociopaths to try to dig up some semblance of empathy, it certainly won’t end well for anyone.
The rest of the women join them for some breakfast, and Eboni reveals that she actually FaceTimed with Leah, who was upset and wishes she had been with her grandmother. But Eboni assured her that God doesn’t make mistakes and that this way Leah’s last memory of her grandmother will be when she was happy and talking instead of unconscious.
Eboni then reminds the women that she, too, is about to lose a grandmother, before revealing that a young woman has reached out to her on Instagram, claiming to be her half-sister on Eboni’s estranged father’s side. Eboni doesn’t know what’s true but is thinking about going on this journey to find out what she can about her family.
Heather then extends an apology for calling Eboni “articulate” earlier, she meant to say that Eboni was “eloquent,” and Heather hopes that Eboni knows her intentions weren’t malicious. Eboni accepts the apology because what else can she do, even though this is a lesson every single white person should have learned back in 2007.
And with that, a much-much-much-too-long trip to the Hamptons comes to an end.
Back in New York City, Eboni records her podcast; Leah prepares for her grandmother’s funeral; Sonja offers money-saving tips: recycle envelopes!; and The Countess … brushes a hairy rug? (Not a euphemism.)
As for Ramona, apparently, she’s looking to start a new career in real estate, and meets with some guy? who she met socially through Sonja? Ramona wants him to sponsor her as she pursues a real estate license, and This Guy is like, “OK, but you need to learn a whole new vocabulary. Like, you can’t call it a ‘master bedroom’ anymore, and it’s not ‘his and hers baths,’ and they aren’t called ‘bachelor pads,’ and please don’t say ‘steps to the park.'” Ramona is all, “GOT IT.” But having watched this woman for ten years now, I can confidently say she does not get it and it is only a matter of time before she offends someone.
Elsewhere, Eboni and Leah meet Sonja at Marty’s boxing gym to give Sonja a boxing lesson/therapy session. Once in the ring with Marty, Sonja is a little hesitant with her punches, while Marty encourages her to hit him before he hits her. The women urge her to “use her power” but Sonja still holds back, clearly sacred of really connecting with Marty.
So Marty asks her who gave her a hard time on the recent trip and when Sonja tells him The Countess and Ramona, he asks what they called her. Eboni and Leah helpfully offer “a slut!” and a “one-night stand!” Marty then asks Sonja if he calls her a “stupid slut,” is that how hard she’s going to throw? This proves to be just the motivation Sonja needs to start swinging violently at his head, really connecting with her anger and her power.
Marty, who needs his own spinoff, urges Sonja to stand up for herself and not be a punching bag any longer — and, wait, maybe Sonja should date Marty? Have we considered this?
Finally, it’s Election Day. And after the women take selfies of themselves in line to vote, Eboni hosts a party to watch the results at her apartment. If she intends the party to last as long as the count, I hope she has enough reinforcements for a week.
Attending the party are Eboni’s friend Natalie (who is simply not prepared for the mess she’s about to witness); The Countess, who arrives wearing a JFK mask for some reason; Leah, who is wearing some sort of black tutu … thing; Leah’s sister Sarah; and Sonja. But not Ramona who, and I’m not making this up, fled to the Hamptons because she was worried the city would erupt in riots.
Leah also brings along her little dog, Angel, who helps herself to the party snacks and, according to Eboni, leads her dog Carey astray to the point where Carey is ON THE TABLE gorging on the filet and lobster.
They also discuss what will be the next week’s event: Eboni, in her ongoing and neverending attempt to educate these ignorant women, is going to host a “Night in Harlem” party. The women discuss what they’re planning to wear and Sarah, looking stunned, tells Leah that she’s glad they’re having this talk because Leah texted her to wear “satan” not “satin” and she was planning on wearing devil horns. And Leah laughs in an interview that her sister showing up as a “white devil” in Harlem might be problematic. ORRRRR, hear me out, it would be right on theme.
At some point, Ramona calls to check in and tells the ladies that she will be back in town for Eboni’s party the next night as it looks like the city is going to be safe after all.
So then Sonja, hopped up on a mix of cocktails, free lobster, and Marty therapy, announces that she finds one of Ramona’s Instagram posts … manipulative. This one, to be exact:
Sonja declares that SHE DOESN’T LIKE IT, and The Countess, the drunk whisperer, helps explain that Sonja thinks Ramona posted the picture with an agenda, that agenda being, “LOOK! I HAVE A BLACK FRIEND!”
They also point out that soon after, Ramona also posted a photo of herself with her “new friend” Bershan Shaw:
And in Ramona’s defense, maybe she’s just making new friends! But as Leah points out, she’s never been on Ramona’s Instagram …
Eboni can’t believe what she’s hearing, that Ramona is posting photos of Black women in her life to counter a narrative that she’s racist? And in interviews, The Countess, Sonja, and Leah are all, “YEP.”
Sonja, increasingly under the influence of the cocktails, begins shrieking about how SHE DOESN’T LIKE PEOPLE WHO WEAR CAUSES LIKE HANDBAGS (which is 99% of the entire Upper East Side, but please go on) AND SHE LOVES RAMONA BUT SHE SHOULDN’T POST “I LIKE NEW FRIENDS.”
As Sonja continues to rant, and the election results fail to come in, the other women start making their way to the exits. Finally, Eboni stuffs some leftover lobster into Sonja’s purse and tells her that she’ll see her the next night, because between the results trickling in and Sonja’s superhuman ability to stay upright and loud despite being insufferably drunk, this election party might not otherwise end.
The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo.