President Very Serious Negotiator caves on the spending bill, has no idea what he’s doing.

Hello and welcome back, sorta! It’s the Monday after Christmas and before New Year’s and there’s really no news out there, so, you know, we’ll make do with what we’ve got. ANYWAY, here’s a Magpie who thinks he’s people:

Political Crap

By now I’m sure you’ve read all about the suicide bomber who detonated a large bomb in downtown Nashville on Christmas morning, fortunately not killing anyone but himself, but doing an insane amount of damage. We still don’t entirely know his motive, but there is some talk out there that he was freaked out by 5G, because this is what conspiracy nuttery does to people’s brains. Also, he was a terrorist, not an “intentional bomber.” Let’s refer to him correctly.

Meanwhile, the President of the United States has said BUPKIS about this act of terrorism on American soil (is he waiting to find out if the bomber was a supporter? probably!) but he did have time on Christmas Day to whine about Melania not being on magazine covers.

President One Term is also pretty convinced something is going to happen on January 6 that will prevent him from moving out on January 20.

I think what he and the rest of these numbskulls believe, at least based on some nonsense being spread out there by the conservative polling group Rasmussen, is that Pence can just refuse to count the votes from the six “disputed” states (note: multiple courts have unanimously found there are no disputes to these states’ vote counts) when Congress meets to officially count the electoral college vote?

UPDATE: They’re also suing to try to do this:

Problem is, there’s a little thing called the 12th Amendment: “The President of the Senate shall, in the presence of the Senate and House of Representatives, open all the certificates and the votes shall then be counted. I mean, I’m not seeing anything in the amendment that says, “The President of the Senate shall, in the presence of the Senate and House of Representatives open only the certificates of the states that they like, count only those votes and then shall put the rest in a shredder,” in there, right? These fucking idiots.

Meanwhile, President Hissyfit, angry at Mitch McConnell for not supporting his dumbass claims that the election was fraudulent, tried to torpedo the spending bill by threatening to not sign it. His little standoff lasted until yesterday when he finally signed the damn thing after claiming he “redlined” it. However, the line-item veto is unconstitutional so he can just shove those edits right up his ass.

Look, it’s a shame he didn’t make his demand for $2000 stimulus checks known before the 11th hour — he might have actually been able to help Americans by pressuring the Republicans to not be such stingy motherfuckers. But I will give him the smallest bit of credit possible for signing the bill, which allowed unemployment benefits to be reinstated, and $600 to be sent to Americans who need it — and not forcing everyone to wait until Biden becomes president in three weeks. It’s not nearly enough, but $600 is still better than $0. It’s just a shame that it took so much chaos and hand-wringing, and stress to get there simply because this halfwit who has been President for four fucking years still has no idea how any of this works and he never cared to learn. But I do hope that the rest of us have learned a VALUABLE LESSON about not electing people to office who don’t understand how the government works. The sooner this idiot leaves and hands over the keys to the professionals, the better.

23 days.

Going Viral

According to Worldometer, over 340,000 Americans are dead from this virus. We are on track to hit 350,000 by the end of the week.

The Walter Reed doctor who was fired after criticizing President Monkey from Contagion for doing that stupid drive-by regrets nothing. Good for him.

Armando Manzanero, the legendary Mexican singer, composer and Latin Grammy Hall of Famer, died of COVID-19.

Shemar Moore, star of S.W.A.T., has COVID-19.

Taraji P. Henson bravely opened up on a Facebook watch about having suicidal thoughts during this pandemic, which sadly is a pervasive problem. If you or someone you know is feeling suicidal or are in emotional distress, please call the national suicide prevention hotline at 1-800-273-8255.

Anwar Hadid, son of Yolanda, brother of Gigi and Bella is an anti-vaxxer and an idiot who has Lyme Disease and is in particular danger from this virus. Also, do not take medical advice from Britney Spears’ boyfriend. 

Hey, the man who administered CPR on the man who died on that United flight has been notified — 10 days later, and by the L.A. County Dept. of Public Health, not United — that he was exposed to COVID-19. Cool.

At least United and Delta are requiring passengers flying from the U.K. to the United States to have proof of a negative test now. I suppose that’s something.

Oh, Karen.

Mike Schur is worried about the effect the pandemic will have on the entertainment business even once we’re past it, and the arts are being hit particularly hard.

So Jennifer Aniston got in trouble on with the internets because she posted a picture of one of her Christmas tree ornaments that read “Our First Pandemic 2020.” People called her ignorant and insensitive. Guess who also has an “Our First Pandemic” ornament?

Look, sometimes you have to laugh to keep from screaming fruitlessly into the void.

All Other TV News

In the weirdest TV story of the week, Lin Qi, a Chinese billionaire who was the chairman and chief executive of games developer Yoozoo, best known for the “Game of Thrones: Winter Is Coming” strategy game, and who was a producer on the upcoming Netflix series, The Three-Body Problem, was allegedly poisoned and murdered by a senior executive at Yoozoo’s film and television division. The Three-Body Problem is a notable Netflix production in that it is David Benioff and D.B. Weiss’s first project following Game of Thrones. AND THIS IS ME STRUGGLING TO NOT MAKE A NERDY JOKE WONDERING WHICH WESTEROS POISON WAS USED BECAUSE THIS IS A REAL MAN AND HE REALLY DIED AND IT WOULD BE DISRESPECTFUL BUT WAS IT THE STRANGLER OR TEARS OF LYS I’M SORRY I COULDN’T RESIST.

Hey, Aunt Becky is out of jail. Great, can we never speak of these assholes ever again? Thanks.

In the event that you also binged all 8 episodes of Bridgerton — and I know I’m not the only one as it was in Netflix’s top 10 this weekend — the good news is production on season two is probably going to begin in March, even though it hasn’t been formally renewed. And the New York Times did a piece asking why it took so long for romance novels to get the prestige TV series treatment. Oh, I don’t know, maybe it has everything to do with the fact that romance is considered a woman’s genre, and thereby inherently not deserving of Serious Thought unlike sci-fi or westerns or fantasy?

HI, OK, so now that we’re past Christmas and all that noise, have you had a chance to catch up with The Bachelorette (and my recaps if you do partake)? So, the reason there was thankfully no “After the Final Rose” special this season is that the poor crew who had taped The Bachelorette and The Bachelor back-to-back needed a goddamned break. And, as Chris Harrison notes in this interview, go check out Instagram if you are really interested in what’s going on in these people’s lives.

Also, the interview includes this bit of hard-earned wisdom from Chris Harrison: “You may not have a massive story to tell, but you’ll have more to say at 33 than you do at 23, and I think that went a long way.” OH? YA THINK? Well, it looks like they’ve learned their lesson, and will have more mature casts going forward. ~checks the cast of the next season of The Bachelor, does some quick math, discovers the average age is 25~

And if you’re interested in what happens “after the final rose,” you can always just wait for the inevitable break-up story to pop up on TMZ or E! News, like this story about Bachelor in Paradise couple, Carly Waddell and Evan Bass who have separated after three years of marriage. Which is too bad. These two cheesy kids seemed good for one another.

Meanwhile, Tayshia claims that she’s going to be living “bicoastal” with Zac, so, I mean, it’s only a matter of time before the breakup story hits E!, honestly.

Anyway, here’s a good roundup of the status of 2020’s reality TV relationships. Can you believe that whole Peter Weber mishegoss was THIS YEAR?


  • Aggretsuko has been renewed for a fourth season on Netflix.

In Development

  • An adaptation of The Night Agent is in the works by the creator of The Shield.

Casting News

Mark Your Calendar

  • Cobra Kai will return on Netflix on January 1.

  • WandaVision will debut on Disney+ on January 15.

  • Two Sentence Horror Stories will return on The CW on January 12.

  • Magnolia Table will premiere on Discovery+ on January 4.


Nick McGlashan, Deadliest Catch deck boss

Tuck Tucker, SpongeBob SquarePants animator

Lin Qi, Netflix producer of The Three-Body Problem and CEO of Chinese video-game publisher Yoozoo

Larry Barron, Producer on The Amazing Race, Paradise Hotel and Coupled

Jonathan “Brodie Lee” Huber, WWE and All Elite Wrestling wrestler

Roger Berlind, Broadway producer of Amadeus, City of Angels and Doubt to The Book of Mormon, Dear Evan Hansen and Mean Girls among others

Rebecca Luker, Tony-award-sinning actress

Lee Wallace, Broadway actor

Dave McNary, Variety writer

Barry Lopez, National Book Award-winning writer

Ty Jordan, Pac-12 Offensive Freshman of the Year from the University of Utah,

Stella Tennant, Supermodel

Tony Rice, Bluegrass guitarist

Leslie West, Guitarist for the band Mountain

Francesca Kaczynski, The nine-month-old daughter of CNN reporter Andrew Kaczynski and Wall Street Journal reporter Rachel Louise Ensign

Michael Alig, Nortoirous club kid and murderer


Cops and Robbers: More than 30 individual artists illustrate Timothy Ware-Hill’s spoken-word poem about police brutality in this visually-stunning short film. Premiere. Netflix

The Wizard of Oz: There’s no place like home, but after being stuck in our houses for nine months, it sure would be nice to confirm that on our own. 7 p.m., TNT

The Brady Bunch Movie: This film adaptation of the classic sitcom is perhaps the most successful of the tv-into-movie genre and much better than it has any right to be. 8:45 p.m., Showtime Family Zone

MON. 7:00 7:30 8:00 8:30 9:00 9:30
ABC Monday Night Football
CBS The Neighborhood
Bob ♥ Abishola
Let’s Make a Deal Primetime
CW Whose Line is it Anyway?
Whose Line is it Anyway?
Penn & Teller: Fool Us
FOX 9-1-1
L.A.’s Finest
NBC Dolly Parton’s Coat of Many Colors Weakest Link

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