Hi. It’s Monday, October 5, and it is your last chance to double, triple, quadruple check your voter registration if you live in: Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas, Florida, Georgia, Hawaii, Indiana, Kentucky, Louisiana, Mississippi, Rhode Island, South Carolina, Tennessee, and Texas. Go to Vote.org, confirm you’re registered, and if you’re not, REGISTER. Last chance, guys. Let’s do this.
Instead of a cute animal video, meet Andrew Farmer:
Happy Halloween! Here’s a Witch with performance anxiety. pic.twitter.com/PnqFWnPeWb
— Andrew Farmer (@thatsajellyfish) October 30, 2019
Alright, so where did we leave off with this shitshow? President One-Man Disaster announced late Thursday night/early Friday morning that he had tested positive for COVID-19 and everyone had a good hearty case of schadenfreude. As the day wore on, more and more dingus Republicans who were at the White House event nominating Amy Coney Barrett announced that they, too, were positive. And then I hit “Publish” because if I waited for the news to slow down, I’d never actually post anything.
And sure enough, a few hours after I posted, President “I’M NOT DEAD YET!” was medevacked to Walter Reed Hospital for what was being described as “a few days.” Then on Saturday, a gaggle of Walter Reed doctors and President Stalin’s personal doctor, one Sean Conley, DO, came out and declared everything was just great while avoiding questions about President Hypoxia’s blood oxygen levels, or whether or not they were administering oxygen at that time. Also, they maybe let slip that President Not Aysymptommatic Anymore might have known he was positive since Wednesday, not late Thursday — after he had attended two fundraising events — and that he had been receiving treatments before the world knew he was positive.
This looks like a public apology after you lost control of your dinosaur park. pic.twitter.com/oDlG4iar9e
— Tokyo Sexwhale (@tokyosexwhale) October 4, 2020
MEANWHILE, minutes after the doctors’ press conference, Mark Meadows, the White House Chief of Staff told press off the record that, and I quote: “The president’s vitals over the last 24 hours were very concerning and the next 48 hours will be critical in terms of his care. We’re still not on a clear path to a full recovery.”
UPDATE: Immediately after the press conference ended and before the anonymous statement was sent out, Mark Meadows briefed reporters without cameras—but he was caught on a feed asking to be off the record. pic.twitter.com/JyrhSmu1Y0
— Olivia Nuzzi (@Olivianuzzi) October 3, 2020
So then Dr. Conley had to put out a statement clarifying that he didn’t mean “72” hours, and also, too, they only began treating the Liar-in-Chief the day before, not two days before and anyway LOOK OVER THERE.
All of this, understandably, created a great deal of confusion as to WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING, and I didn’t even get to the part where President Propaganda put out two pictures of himself “working hard,” pictures that were taking a whopping ten minutes apart. They showed him signing blank pieces of paper with a Sharpie.
He's just signing white, blank copy paper with a jumbo Sharpie…It's full on Weekend at Bernie's over at Walter Reed. pic.twitter.com/z6klTTIusK
— Amee Vanderpool (@girlsreallyrule) October 4, 2020
There is a long history in the Trump family of denying serious illness. According to a Trump family friend, Trump’s father, Fred Trump Sr., insisted on working even after his Alzheimer’s disease advanced in the 1990s. “To retire is to expire!” Fred Sr. would say. The friend said that as Fred Sr.’s disease worsened––he once came down the stairs wearing three neckties––the family created a system so that Fred could think he was still running the Trump Organization. Every day Fred Sr. would go to the office in Brooklyn and they would give him blank papers to sort through and sign. The phone on Fred’s desk was set up so that it could only dial out to his secretary. “Fred pretended to work,” the family friend said.
On Sunday, the doctors gave another press conference where they confirmed that President Steroids’ oxygen did, in fact, drop a couple of times, but he’s JUST FINE now and in fact, might go home on Monday. And all those times he evaded questions about his oxygen levels before was just Dr. Conley’s attempt to put a positive spin on the situation.
And that’s when President Dear Leader made his secret service agents get into a hermetically sealed SUV with him so that he could drive around Walter Reed and wave at his supporters.
From a different Walter Reed physician:
That Presidential SUV is not only bulletproof, but hermetically sealed against chemical attack. The risk of COVID19 transmission inside is as high as it gets outside of medical procedures. The irresponsibility is astounding. My thoughts are with the Secret Service forced to play.
— Dr. James P. Phillips, MD (@DrPhillipsMD) October 4, 2020
The secret service is not amused:
"That should never have happened," a Secret Service agent said after the President's drive-by outside Walter Reed, adding that the agents who rode with Trump would now be required to quarantine. https://t.co/tTFPNWsivc
— CNN (@CNN) October 5, 2020
Which brings us to today. We woke up to this tweet hurricane from President Dexamethasone:
And then, this afternoon, before his doctors could give their press conference, he tweeted out this news:
I will be leaving the great Walter Reed Medical Center today at 6:30 P.M. Feeling really good! Don’t be afraid of Covid. Don’t let it dominate your life. We have developed, under the Trump Administration, some really great drugs & knowledge. I feel better than I did 20 years ago!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) October 5, 2020
“Don’t be afraid of Covid” if you have access to the best doctors and experimental treatments unavailable to the average American and can be helicoptered to the hospital. For free.
As for the rest of us: last week an average of 700 Americans died of this virus a day. TAKE THIS VIRUS SERIOUSLY. BE AFRAID OF IT.
Also, “don’t let it dominate your life?” COVID-19 has killed nearly 215,000 Americans. What an insult to their lives and those they left behind. I’m disgusted.
- Kellyanne Conway (and her daughter)
- Chris Christie
- Kayleigh McEnany
- Bill Stepien
- Nicholas Luna
- Ron Johnson
- Chad Gilmartin
- Three more members of the press corps
Meanwhile, Joe Biden continues to test negative, thank God, but President Superspreader’s campaign is trying to use that against him because of course they fucking are:
The Trump campaign is now attacking Biden for…not contracting coronavirus.
“He has experience — now — fighting the coronavirus as an individual. Those firsthand experiences, Joe Biden, he doesn’t have those." pic.twitter.com/Qk0Qc8l6q9
— Tim Hogan (@timjhogan) October 5, 2020
29 DAYS UNTIL ELECTION DAY, KIDS. STAY STRONG.
Oh, hey, those PSAs the government ordered featuring B-list celebrities urging us to “defeat despair” in regards to the virus (scheduled to roll out ahead of the election, obvs), has turned into a complete boondoggle to absolutely no one’s surprise. Celebrities are dropping out, the firm hired is incompetent (but politically connected), and Democrats are sniffing around.
BREAKING NEWS: Arsonist burned by fire he started.
Cineworld, which owns Regal Cinemas, is considering closing all of its theaters in the U.S. and the U.K.
Kenzo Takada, Fashion designer died of COVID-19.
COVID-19 made Regis Philbin depressed in the weeks leading up to his death according to Kathie Lee.
The Price is Right is resuming production, but contestants won’t be “coming on down” as there won’t be an audience. BOOO, but also obviously very responsible. BUT BOOOO.
All American had to halt production due to a positive case on set.
The action movie CopShop starring Gerard Butler had to stop production after three positive cases.
The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel will resume production on January 7.
Bull plans on incorporating the virus into the show when it returns.
All Other TV News
Schitt’s Creek’s sixth season dropped on Netflix early for all your binging needs.
If it feels like The Real Housewives franchises are undergoing some sort of purge, it’s because they are.
Here are some of the more interesting stories from the making of Game of Thrones, including cameos from Rob McElhenney and Bruce Willis.
Netflix has released two first-look images of Henry Cavill as The Witcher in season two, and, again, one of the most unrealistic things about the show in a series that featured witches and monsters and ancient curses is that people would meet this guy and be like, “YOU ARE DISGUSTING AND NEED TO GET THE HELL OUT OF MY VILLAGE.” Um … no.
View this post on Instagram
"'It may turn out,’ said the white-haired man a moment later, ‘that their comrades or cronies may ask what befell these evil men. Tell them the Wolf bit them. The White Wolf. And add that they should keep glancing over their shoulders. One day they’ll look back and see the Wolf.’" – From the writings of Andrzej Sapkowski @WitcherNetflix #Witcher2
Did you watch any of The Third Day live event on Facebook this weekend? Here’s an explainer for why and how they made the 12-hour event.
- Monster: The Jeffrey Dahmer Story, a limited series from Ryan Murphy, is coming to Netflix.
- Heads of State, an action film starring John Cena and Idris Elba, has been bought by Amazon.
- Follow the Money, a crime drama and Alam, the Family, a comedy are in development at CBS.
- Jermaine Fowler has sold a semi-autobiographical animated series to Fox.
- Tomb Hunters has been greenlit at Smithsonian.
- Peace of Mind with Taraji is coming to Facebook Watch.
- The luxury real estate website Dirt is going to be turned into a reality series.
- Busy Philipps has joined the cast of Girls5eva on Peacock.
- Andie MacDowell is joining the cast of Maid on Netflix, which stars her daughter Margaret Qualley.
- Ricky Martin will star in Jingle Jangle: A Christmas Journey on Netflix.
- Reba McEntire and Darius Rucker will host the CMAs on ABC.
- Bill Burr will host the next SNL with Morgan Wallen as the musical guest. And on the October 17 episode, Issa Rae will host with musical guest Justin Bieber.
Mark Your Calendar
- Cobra Kai will return on Netflix on January 3.
- How to with John Wilson will debut on HBO on October 23.
- The Last Kids on Earth will return on Netflix on October 16.
- Roadkill will premiere on PBS on November 1.
- Braxton Family Values returns on We TV on November 5.
- Over the Moon will debut on Netflix on October 23.
- Jingle Jangle: A Christmas Journey will premiere on November 13.
- One Night in Miami will debut on Amazon on January 15.
- Unleashed will premiere on Nickelodeon on October 22.
- The A Word returns on SundanceTV on November 4.
- Twisted Sisters will return on ID on October 26.
- Gold Rush returns on Discovery on October 23.
- The Mehdi Hasan Show and Zerlina will both debut on Peacock today.
- Pennyworth will return on EPIX on December 2.
Murray Schisgal, Tony- and Oscar-nominated screenwriter who wrote Tootsie
Armelia McQueen, Broadway great
Thomas Jefferson Byrd, Tony-nominated actor who appeared in many Spike Lee movies
Bob Gibson, St. Louis Cardinal
Ron Perranoski, Los Angeles Dodger
“Sweet Lou” Johnson, Los Angeles Dodger
Cookie Monsta, Dubstep DJ
Joe Biden Town Hall: I mean, MAYBE. With the crazy news flying around these days, WHO KNOWS IF THIS WILL EVEN HAPPEN. Everything is totally fine. 7 p.m., MSNBC
The Expecting: AnnaSophia Robb, Rory Culkin, and Mira Sorvino star in this pregnancy thriller. Series premiere. Quibi
Soulmates: In this new sci-fi series set in the near future, a simple test gives people the name of their soulmate. But should you take it? Series premiere. 9 p.m., AMC
- Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon: Daniel Craig, Billie Eilish, Finneas
- Late Night with Seth Meyers: Jessica Chastain, John Slattery
- The Late Show with Stephen Colbert: Daniel Craig, Billie Eilish, Finneas
- The Late Late Show with James Corden: Seth MacFarlane, the Jaded Hearts Club
- The Daily Show: The Daily Social Distancing Show
- Watch What Happens Live: Capt. Lee Rosbach, Hindrigo “Kiko” Lorran
|ABC||Dancing With the Stars
|One Day at a Time
|One Day at a Time
|Manhunt: Deadly Games
|CW||Whose Line is it Anyway?
|Whose Line is it Anyway?
|Penn & Teller: Try This At Home Too
|NBC||American Ninja Warrior