For two minutes we’re going to pretend everything is fine and talk about whatever TV bullshit I can find, OK? OK.
Here’s a clip from the reboot of Reno 9-1-1, because you deserve it.
When I saw this dumb tweet from dumb Kim Kardashian West I was filled with rage at how DUMB EVERYTHING IS ALL THE DUMB TIME:
Just confused how a lobster is walking on my street in Calabasas! What is happening?!?!?! pic.twitter.com/h5cy1IzTPI
— Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) March 16, 2020
First of all, as anyone here on the Gulf Coast knows, that’s not a goddamned lobster. So I went to the comments to confirm that ten zillion other people told her as much before I stepped into the breach. Instead, the comments were SOMEHOW EVEN DUMBER:
this lobster managed to meet a Kardashian before me….
— Chloe (@Khlomoney98) March 16, 2020
Help himmmmmm take him to the oceannnnnnn
— RawBeautyKristi (@RawBeautyKristi) March 17, 2020
Science states lobsters are attracted to plastic, which could explain why he was near you
— The Sheikh (@SheikhJaroush) March 16, 2020
Y’ALL. THAT IS NOT A FUCKING LOBSTER? HAS ANYONE EVER SEEN A LOBSTER BEFORE? COME ON.
But then, it made me remember that we canceled — or at least postponed — our annual crawfish boil that we hold for my son’s birthday because he has gone off to college and wouldn’t be home for it, only to have irony come swooping down on all of us and thanks to Covid-19, he WILL be home for his birthday except, and you see where this is going, we can’t have the boil for obvious reasons and the whole thing MADE ME ANGRY ALL OVER AGAIN.
Fortunately, Top Chef judge Tom Colicchio had a calmer head and set Ms. West straight so I didn’t have to:
That’s a crawfish and most likely came from a pond nearby https://t.co/hT9OtxMAHs
— Tom Colicchio (@tomcolicchio) March 17, 2020
Linda Fairstein is suing Ava DuVernay over her portrayal in When They See Us (and not just because Felicity Huffman portrayed her) because she’s a terrible person.
Here are some really great limited series recommendations for some binge-watching. I, myself, never got around to Godless, and they include one of my FAVORITE zombie series, Deadset, which I JUST CAN NOT RECOMMEND ENOUGH. It’s basically what has actually happened this past week with the Big Brother casts, except with zombies. And it was written by Charlie Booker, the creator of Black Mirror, so you know it’s hilariously dark.
The New York Times also has a good list of true crime docuseries, if that’s your jam. If you haven’t watched Wild Wild Country, GET ON IT.
Would you rather read while you watch TV? Got you covered for that, too. The Returned remains one of my favorite all-time series.
Meanwhile, Gritty is binging LOST:
— Gritty (@GrittyNHL) March 17, 2020
You still have a chance to tell me which show I should back to recapping. Let me hear it!
Big news: I hit a pandemic milestone when I woke up at 4 a.m. this morning and obsessively checked my phone: I now know someone who has officially been diagnosed with Covid-19.
He’s fine — he is a young man who has relatively mild symptoms. He picked it up at a professional conference in New York City before bringing it back home to Austin. But he feels terrible that he might have unintentionally exposed God knows how many people while he was out and about before we were all put on this social distancing protocol.
I am under no illusion that my friend is the only person I know who has Covid-19 — he’s just the only person I know who has been tested and turned up positive. So please, let this serve as a reminder that you probably know someone — potentially many someones — potentially you — that has this thing and please take it seriously. I don’t want to be one more hectoring voice — you know what to do. Wash your hands, don’t touch your face, stay six feet away from people who don’t live in your house, and make sure to take care of your own mental and physical health.
TV shows that have been postponed (don’t worry, it’s a dwindling list):
- American Idol has suspended all rehearsals, sent home the contestants and is trying to figure out what to do about the live shows.
- The Voice U.K.
- Holby City
Savannah Guthrie hosted The Today Show from her home this morning after developing a sore throat and runny nose. Whoopi Goldberg co-hosted The View from her living room and Craig Melvin hosted his MSNBC show from his home.
CBS is moving The Morning Show to the Ed Sullivan theater for the time being.
Showtime is slowing down the release of episodes of Black Monday, from one episode a Sunday, down from two. They are also postponing the debuts of Outcry and Love Fraud.
And NBC is going to slow down their release of The Blacklist, only releasing one episode of The Blacklist instead of two this Friday. IF YOU HAVE “BLACK” IN YOUR TITLE, YOU ARE GOING TO NEED TO SLOW YOUR ROLL.
It will be interesting to see how much the big flashy Upfronts presentations actually mean to the TV business, now that they have been canceled. (Of course, the general economy is going to have taken a big hit by the time the Upfronts virtually happen so ad buyers may not be in the mood to buy commercial time, glitz or no glitz.)
The International Alliance of Theatrical Stage Employees reported that 120,000 jobs held by its 150,000 members have been lost already thanks to the postponements and cancelations.
So, your soap opera has been shut down. How long will it be before it runs out of episodes? General Hospital: the end of April; The Young and the Restless and The Bold and the Beautiful: mid-May; Days of Our Lives: it’s already on hiatus, so …
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Hey folks. Good News: One week after testing Positive, in self-isolation, the symptoms are much the same. No fever but the blahs. Folding the laundry and doing the dishes leads to a nap on the couch. Bad news: My wife @ritawilson has won 6 straight hands of Gin Rummy and leads by 201 points. But I have learned not to spread my Vegemite so thick. I travelled here with a typewriter, one I used to love. We are all in this together. Flatten the curve. Hanx
The Canadian border; all Nevada casinos; the New Orleans Jazz and Heritage Festival; Eurovision; Netflix’s comedy festival; the 2020 Billboard Music Awards; ModelLand; Glastonbury; The Edinburgh International Film Festival; The 2020 Sydney Film Festival; Bonnaroo; Kanye West and Joel Osteen’s Yankee Stadium event (and can we just talk about how gross the Kanye West/Joel Osteen partnership thing is?);
But on the upside, Debbie Allen is hosting dance classes:
Lizzo shared her positivity:
Josh Gad read a kid’s book to his Frozen fans:
— Josh Gad (@joshgad) March 14, 2020
Yo-Yo Ma played his cello:
In these days of anxiety, I wanted to find a way to continue to share some of the music that gives me comfort. The first of my #SongsOfComfort: Dvořák – "Going Home”
Stay safe. pic.twitter.com/S28w6OlXiZ
— Yo-Yo Ma (@YoYo_Ma) March 13, 2020
In the category of Stupidest Thing You’ve Ever Heard That Didn’t Involve Kim Kardashian and a Crawfish: the Qanoners, the crazy MAGA cult who believes that President Can’t Figure Out How to Close an Umbrella is actually some mastermind genius who is taking down the “deep state” and will arrest all of their enemies any second now, believed that Oprah self-distancing was actually a lie to cover up the fact she had been arrested for her involvement in a child-sex-trafficking ring. This incredibly dumb news became so viral, Queen Oprah had to put out a tweet denying it because we live in the stupidest time ever.
Just got a phone call that my name is trending. And being trolled for some awful FAKE thing. It’s NOT TRUE. Haven’t been raided, or arrested. Just sanitizing and self distancing with the rest of the world. Stay safe everybody.🙏🏾
— Oprah Winfrey (@Oprah) March 18, 2020
Vanessa Hudgens is sorry, you guys:
— Vanessa Hudgens (@VanessaHudgens) March 17, 2020
And before we move on from the stupid part of this post, let’s talk about Fox News. The Washington Post helpfully put together this video to show how much changed over the course of about one week:
Of course, Fox News and President Disease Vector are a feedback loop of stupid, so it’s no surprise Fox News’ tune has changed now that President Dipshit is going claiming that he always knew the virus was going to become a pandemic and that he would rate his response to the crisis a 10 on a scale of 1 to 1,000,000 … no, whoops, wait. I meant 10. A scale of 1 to 10.
Congratulations, you’ve made it through all that shitnews and you’ve earned this wombat:
A charming young wombat approaches you…
You start to feel slightly better about things. pic.twitter.com/fND8fw6M1Y
— Dick King-Smith HQ (@DickKingSmith) March 18, 2020
- Vida will end on Starz after the third season.
- A limited series about Peter Freuchen is being developed. (The guy is fascinating — you should read all about him here.)
Mark Your Calendar
- Confronting Coronavirus: A PBS NewsHour Special will air on PBS on Thursday.
- Animal Planet is in the middle of a 94-hour marathon of Too Cute! right now if you need it.
- Deadliest Catch returns on Discovery on April 14.
- Murder House Flip will debut on Quibi in April.
- Vice will premiere on Showtime on March 29.
- The Forgotten West Memphis Three will debut on Oxygen on March 28.
Maggie Griffin, Kathy Griffin’s mother and co-star. She was a hilarious and delightful woman.
My Mom, the one and only, Maggie Griffin, passed away today. I am gutted. My best friend. I’m shaking. I won’t ever be prepared. I’m so grateful you guys got to be part of her life. You knew her. You loved her. She knew it. Oh, and OF COURSE she went on St Patrick’s Day. 💔💔💔 pic.twitter.com/l9IZHuIWLb
— Kathy Griffin (@kathygriffin) March 18, 2020
Stumptown: Dex gets intel on Benny’s death. 9 p.m., ABC
Little Fires Everywhere: Reese Witherspoon and Kerry Washington star in this adaptation of the best seller. Series premiere. Hulu
Motherland: Fort Salem: OK: What if, the Salem Witch trials ended in a truce in which the witches cut a deal with the government to use their powers to defend the country instead of being burned at the stake? That’s where we’re starting from in this new series. 8 p.m., Freeform
True Terror with Robert Englund: Because what we need right now is something to scare us. Series premiere. 8 p.m., Travel
Brockmire: Season four (and final) season premiere. Prepare yourself for a time jump. 9 p.m., IFC
American Housewife: Speaking of time jumps: this is moving from Fridays to Wednesdays. 8:30 p.m., ABC
|CW||Penn & Teller: Fool Us
|Whose Line is it Anyway?
|Whose Line is it Anyway?
|FOX||The Masked Singer