Let’s be really fucking clear: saying that you’re sorry someone is offended is not the same thing as saying you are sorry for the thing that you did that you now recognize was wrong. It’s a passive-aggressive maneuver that allows the offender to pretend he’s making amends when really he’s placing the blame for his actions on the person who has been offended: “I’m sorry you’re so sensitive and weak as to understand my harmless actions as being offensive.” It’s bullshit, AND IT IS NOT ENOUGH, ASTROS.
Also, it does not get you off the hook for that deeply pissy statement calling Sports Illustrated a liar and, by extension, the women who were the targets of Taubman’s bullshit. FIX. THIS.
As you are well aware, I live in Houston, Texas, where I was born and (mostly) raised. As such, I am an Astros fan, duh. And one of the things that I love about our Astros is that our boys, they are good guys. From Jose Altuve’s humility and intense work ethic to George Springer’s work to destigmatize stuttering and all of their work for the community during Hurricane Harvey, they are genuinely good people, these Astros. And those of you who don’t live in Houston will never truly be able to appreciate what they and their World Series win meant to us in that 2017 season as we were still drying out from Harvey. This team means the world to this city.
And so, like many Astros fans, I was disappointed and angry when in 2018 we traded for closer Roberto Osuna, just two months after he had been arrested for beating his wife. He was never tried because his wife refused to testify against him and moved back to Mexico, BUT THAT IS HARDLY EXONERATING EVIDENCE. And, in fact, the MLB thought his behavior was reprehensible enough that they suspended him for 75 games.
So flash forward to Saturday night, immediately after the Astros defeated the Yankees (in maybe the best baseball game I’ve ever seen) sending them to the World Series. In the locker room after the game — but before the players had come back and before interviews were being held — a bunch of front office dudes, specifically assistant general manager Brandon Taubman, were hanging out with some reporters. And this fucker right here, Taubman, he turns to three female reporters and for no goddamned good reason begins screaming at them: “Thank God we got Osuna! I’m so fucking glad we got Osuna!” According to Sports Illustrated who reported this, it was so frightening and offensive, another Houston Astros staffer apologized to the women.
Did I mention the part where Osuna gave up a two-run home run in the top of the ninth, allowing the Yankees to tie the game? But you know, I shouldn’t have to mention that, because the bottom line is it doesn’t matter how he performed: he could have been the man who saved the night and won the game for us, it still wouldn’t justify a man screaming at women about how much he loves having a domestic abuser on the roster. This is what toxic masculinity looks like: a man who has clearly been harboring some hardcore bitterness at just being criticized for signing a player who is violent against women who just couldn’t hold his anger inside any longer so he took it out on whichever women he could find in that moment.
The Astros just released the following statement. pic.twitter.com/KnA6kQt0hq
— Chandler Rome (@Chandler_Rome) October 22, 2019
Oh. I see. Bitches be lyin’. Even though other witnesses confirmed the Sports Illustrated story, who are you going to trust, three female reporters or a front office bro who was “supporting” their player during a “difficult time” — you know, right after learning he was going to the World Series.
Give me a fucking break.
Fix this, Astros. Fix this immediately.
In other TV news
Now that I’ve vented about the Astros mishandling of this whole situation, let there be no mistake, I’m going to be watching and rooting for my team tonight. We’ve got Simone Biles, Travis Scott, Richard Linklater, and Matthew McConaughey, they’ve got Bill Nye and Paul F. Tompkins. NO, I DO NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT TED CRUZ, SHUT UP.
The Hot Priest would be game to do anything Phoebe Waller-Bridge asks him to do. No doubt. It’s Phoebe Waller-Bridge’s world, we’re just living in it.
Family Guy is gonna Family Guy. I can’t say I’m surprised.
Oh, Real World “star” and conservative asshole Sean Duffy has been added as a commentator on CNN? To spread debunked nonsense conspiracy theories? Cool cool cool.
It’s a BIG day, but we probably won’t know anything about it until later today or tomorrow. What’s happening now: William (Bill) Taylor, the ambassador to Ukraine and Marie Yavonovitch’s replacement, he’s giving Congress his testimony about the — his word — “crazy” plan to withhold military aid on the condition of helping the president’s political campaign.
12:47 AM SEPT 9
As I said on the phone, I think it’s crazy to withhold security assistance for help with a political campaign.”
The thing about Taylor is that he is a fairly high-up muckity-muck who will know where the bodies (and documents and proof) is buried. And it sounds like HE. IS. SINGING.
“All I have to say is that in my 10 short months in Congress — it’s not even noon, right — and this is my most disturbing day in Congress so far. Very troubling.” —Rep. Andy Levin, as he left Bill Taylor’s deposition this morning. @jesselnaranjo https://t.co/fmegayyjl6
— Rebecca Ballhaus (@rebeccaballhaus) October 22, 2019
New: Per source in the room, Bill Taylor’s opening statement was 15 pages long and prompted “a lot of sighs and gasps.”
— Andrew Desiderio (@AndrewDesiderio) October 22, 2019
So, yeah, whatever ambassador Taylor has to say, it should be VERY INTERESTING.
Which is why President Racist tweeted this, this morning:
So some day, if a Democrat becomes President and the Republicans win the House, even by a tiny margin, they can impeach the President, without due process or fairness or any legal rights. All Republicans must remember what they are witnessing here – a lynching. But we will WIN!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) October 22, 2019
Now, listen, this is not me telling you that you shouldn’t be OUTRAGED that the President of the United States is comparing a Constitutional process to a tool of racist terrorism and horror — you absolutely should be. But you should also recognize that he is doing this for one reason, and one reason only: to distract those of us who would be outraged by such a disgusting comparison, so as to get us whipped up and grabbing our smelling salts so that we 1. don’t pay attention to Ambassador Taylor’s testimony and 2. look ridiculous to his base who will never be offended by anything he says.
THAT SAID, I would not be doing my job if I didn’t point out how disgusting it is for a Senator from the Deep South to be defending the use of the word “lynching” here.
— The Hill (@thehill) October 22, 2019
Oh, Lindsey, that is not how words work.
A couple of other things worth reading while we wait for Taylor’s opening statement to leak to the press:
Apparently — and not surprisingly in the least — it was Vladimir Putin and the Hungarian Prime Minister Victor Orban who filled President Know Nothing’s head with nonsense about Ukraine seeking to throw the election for Clinton.
And I don’t know if you saw yesterday’s coverage of his cabinet meeting yesterday, but President Batshit was PARTICULARLY batshitty yesterday, claiming that the emoluments clause in the Constitution was “phony,” insisting that he is VERY rich, suggesting that Obama made his Netflix deal while he was in office, claiming that Kim Jong-Un wouldn’t take Obama’s phone calls (which he never made) whining about not being able to host the G7 in his bedbug-ridden hotel at the Miami airport, and, perhaps in my favorite moment — which is also the least consequential — claiming that the Miami Airport is one of the “biggest in the world, some say the biggest.”
The Miami Airport is the 15th largest airport in the United States.
- The Mother-in-Law, a thriller drama, has been given a put pilot order at NBC.
- The Ho’s has been ordered at HBO.
- 15 Minutes of Shame, a documentary produced by Monica Lewinsky, is coming to HBO Max.
- Grand Army has been ordered at Netflix.
- The Shelley Society has been ordered to pilot at HBO Max.
- An adaptation of the play, Slut, is being developed at Netflix.
- An action-comedy starring Vince Vaughn is being developed at Netflix.
- Alia Shawkat has joined the FX pilot The Old Man.
- Rosie Perez has joined the cast of The Flight Attendant on HBO Max.
- Heather Graham has joined the cast of the Netflix film Love, Guaranteed.
- Joseph Mawle has joined the cast of the Lord of the Rings series on Amazon.
- Chelsea Harris is joining Snowpiercer on TNT.
- Melanie Lynskey has joined the Showtime pilot Yellowjacket.
- Allie Rae Treharne has been added to the cast of Atypical on Netflix.
- Enrique Murciano, Camron Jones, and Jessica Sula are joining the cast of Panic on Amazon.
- Meagan Good will recur on Prodigal Son on Fox.
- Ryan Robbins and Timothy Webber will recur on Riverdale.
- Jacob Tobia is joining She-Ra and the Princesses of Power on Netflix.
- Harrison Osterfield will star in The Irregulars on Netflix.
Mark Your Calendars
- The Crown returns on Netflix on November 17.
- 9-1-1: Lone Star will debut on Fox in January.
- Silicon Valley returns on HBO on Sunday.
- Zomboat! will debut on Hulu on October 25.
- Ready for War will premiere on Showtime on November 22.
- The Feed will debut on Amazon on November 22.
- You Light Up My Christmas starring Facts of Life stars Kim Fields, Lisa Whelchel, Mindy Cohn, and Nancy McKeon will air on Lifetime on December 1.
- Famously Afraid will debut on Travel Channel on November 5.
- The Moodys will debut on Fox on December 4. It will be a three-night event.
- Back in the Game will premiere on CNBC on November 6.
- Mike Birbiglia: The New One will debut on Netflix on November 26.
- Hot Properties: San Diego will premiere on HGTV on November 3.
- Lifetime has announced three new Christmas movies: Mistletoe & Menorahs on December 7; Christmas Love Letter on December 21; and A Date by Christmas Eve on December 22.
John Clarke, Days of Our Lives actor
World Series Game 1: LET’S GO, ASTROS! 6:30 p.m., Fox
The Misery Index: Jameela Jamil hosts this game show in which contestants rank the degree of suffering people experience in various real-life situations. Ha? Series premiere. 9 p.m., TBS
In a Man’s World: Women put on unconvincing male drag and walk around in public to see what it’s like. Series premiere. 9 p.m., Bravo
It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!: Even children can experience existential dread. 7 p.m., Bravo
- Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon: Jessica Biel, Billy Crudup, Jay Jurden
- Late Night with Seth Meyers: James Spader, Tim Meadows, Alison Roman, Terence Higgins
- The Late Show with Stephen Colbert: John Lithgow, Camila Mendes, Ree Drummond
- The Late Late Show with James Corden: Joel Edgerton, Harry Connick Jr., Noah Cyrus
- Jimmy Kimmel Live: Benedict Cumberbatch, Kelly Ripa, David Byrne with the Brooklyn Youth Chorus
- Conan: Paul Rudd
- Watch What Happens Live: Gary Janetti, Braunwyn Windham-Burke
- A Little Late with Lily Singh: Rosario Dawson, Zoey Deutch
|ABC||It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!||Toy Story of TERROR!||mixed-ish
|The Douglas Dynasty: Fame, Addiction, Recovery
|NCIS: New Orleans
|FOX||The World Series
|This Is Us