‘Bachelor in Paradise’: Alotta Piñata

Bachelor in Paradise
August 13, 2019

It’s morning in Paradise, and our friends Red Flag and Charlie Brown’s Teacher seem happy enough: smelling-her-armpits-happy at the very least. But Charlie Brown’s Teacher, he senses that she’s holding back. And she is! Red Flag has not yet told him that back home she was in a relationship with a woman — a woman she can’t stop thinking about.

After Charlie Brown’s Teacher tries to ask her about her romantic past, Red Flag is all, “NOT NOW,” before going to V-Card to confess everything: while Red Flag is having fun with Charlie Brown’s Teacher, she misses her girlfriend back home. She came to Paradise to figure things out, to give other people a chance, to meet people like Charlie Brown’s Teacher. She doesn’t want to hurt anyone, but she’s not ready to tell Charlie Brown’s Teacher about it yet, because she’s worried about how the information about her sexual fluidity will be received. She explains that her parents took her coming out well, but it’s always a scary process every time she has to reveal this to someone new.

V-Card assures her that they all still love her no matter whom she loves and that it’s more than OK to let down her hard “Demigod” shell and accept who she really is. Which, absolutely! Lovely! And good for Red Flag! But now maybe she should go tell the guy who is really into her all of this before he falls even deeper because this shit is going to get complicated and quick.

the good place girl you are a messy bitch who loves drama and i am into it.gif

But instead, we turn our attention to the increasingly boring Cowboy-Empty-Gift-Box-Humphrey-Bogart triangle, reminding us that this nonsense is still happening and leaving us all confused. Because as I’ve noted, and Fumbles confirms: HE’S NOT THAT CUTE, Y’ALL.

im befumbled confused bachelor dumb

The other women, they are NOT THRILLED at the possibility that Empty could give her rose to Cowboy and reward his shitty behavior.

But no one is more confused by Empty Gift Box’s choices more than Humphrey Bogart, who takes her for a talk that essentially amounts to: “WHAT THE FUCK?” After pressing her on what it is that he is missing about Cowboy, Empty Gift Box admits that right before coming to Paradise, Cowboy booked a flight to Birmingham to meet her. They supposedly hung out and kissed and that’s it.

blackish skeptical what come on

A FEW THINGS: 1. How shitty is it for both Empty and Cowboy to not share this information from the get-go so that everyone was on the same page, and Piggyback Ride and Humphrey Bogart would know what they were up against? Oh, I’ll tell you how shitty it was: VERY SHITTY. But 2. How little self-esteem must Empty Gift Box be working with that she would meet this guy before the show, watch him choose someone else to take on the first date, hear all the other stories about him AND STILL BE LIKE, “YEP, I CONTINUE TO BE INTERESTED.” It’s pitiful.

As noted, Humphrey isn’t the only one blindsided by this news: Piggyback is NOT AMUSED EITHER, and she takes Empty Gift Box aside to explain why this is some straight-up dishonest nonsense, nonsense which left her without all of the information when she went on that first date with him. FAIR. THIS IS FAIR.

After their talk, Empty whines that Piggyback “Mean Girled” her, by which I guess she is trying to say that telling someone that their dishonesty and manipulative behavior has consequences for other people is the same thing as bullying. Meanwhile, Piggyback comes to the conclusion that Cowboy isn’t the only asshole in Paradise.

Moving on for the moment. As I noted, it’s morning in Paradise and the rose ceremony is a day away which means: a new arrival. And our next reject is the adorable and worthless Dean, who I nicknamed “Kewpie Doll” because:

Because Bachelor in Paradise is built upon the strata of earlier seasons of Bachelor in Paradise, a QUICK RECAP: After being on Rachel’s season of The Bachelorette, Kewpie was on the same season of Bachelor in Paradise as Olya Povlatsky. That season, season four, was the one that stopped production after … something … happened between CorWin and DeMariOhNo. During the shutdown, Kewpie and Olya road-tripped together to Kentucky to visit her family. So it was perfectly understandable that when they returned to Paradise, she believed there was something special between the two of them. And there was! Until Danielle L. whom I nicknamed “Boobs McGee” because boobs, arrived and Kewpie was all:

tex avery wolf eyes

Long story short: Kewpie treated Olya like garbage, messing around with Boobs McGee while refusing to dump Olya, and Olya allowed him to get away with it and in the end, everyone kinda hated Kewpie Doll.

But Kewpie is back, and sporting a 1970s porn ‘stache, perhaps hoping to disguise himself? He explains to an incredulous Chris Harrison that he doesn’t have a job, he lives in his van and he has no access to regular showers. So, you know, a real catch.

i live in a van down by the river saturday night live chris farley

Kewpie and his mustache head down to Paradise, and the women — especially Miss North Carolina — are intrigued.

oh hello

Kewpie chats with a number of women, beginning with Miss North Carolina, and eventually moving to Olya Povlastky, but their conversation is kept private, both to us and the others in Paradise. Which is why it’s ridiculous when Miss North Carolina immediately jumps to the conclusion that Olya is talking shit about her and begins crying like a crazy person. Kewpie interrupts her mid-sob to ask her to join him on his date and she happily agrees, bumming out Mike Johnson and Vanilla Ice — as if he ever had a real chance. HE JUST WANTS TO FIND A WIFE, Y’ALL.

And in the most hilarious moment of the episode, Zoolander and Olya are chatting on the beach, noting how many people are coupling off and then there they are, a “twosome.” It’s then that Vanilla Ice reveals that he’s sitting there with them: “a threesome,” he ruefully adds. Olya laughs that she forgot that he was there, and he mopes that most people do.

sad arrested development george michael walk snoopy charlie brown

As for their date, Kewpie and Miss North Carolina go to dinner where they discuss their respective shitty experiences in Paradise and his “lifestyle,” when Kewpie shares his new philosophy: “under-promise and over-deliver.” Listen, there are much worse philosophies, especially with this crowd. And then they get into the pool and make out.

Back in Paradise, Red Flag has the exact same conversation with Piggyback Ride that she had with V-Card: Charlie Brown’s Teacher is great, but there’s this girl back home that she can’t stop thinking about. Piggyback, having been through her own bullshit, pressures Red Flag to be honest with Charlie Brown about the situation and Red Flag is all, “I KNOW, GUH.”

The next morning, after Zoolander and Red Flag try to steal my job by snarking on all the other residents of Paradise — BACK OFF YOU TWO — another new arrival enters: Christian from Becca’s season, who didn’t even earn a nickname, as he was on the show for all of two seconds. But then on the “Men Tell All” special, he challenged Zoolander as a fellow male model and the two had a walk-off, and Zoolander made fun of his highwater pants. It was amazing.

So Highwaters here, he’s back, and the Mexican former soccer player/male model has his sights set on Miami Mami — who, may I remind you, has gone on dates with both Play-Doh and Highwater’s nemesis, Zoolander. He explains he is not in Paradise to waste time, asks her on the date, and she happily agrees, to Play-Doh’s disappointment.

On the date, Highwaters and Miami Mami jet ski and suck on each other’s tongues and make sex eyes at one another. Miami Mami finds him — and these are her words and not me being racist — “muy caliente,” and notes he’s a potential risk to Play-Doh’s current standing as her numero uno. (Alright, that time was just me using gratuitous Spanish.)

When they return to Paradise, Miami Mami tells the other women that she and Highwaters have amazing chemistry, that every look from him suggested sex and that she likes his aggressiveness.

jessica williams no exasperated disappointed incredulous

Play-Doh takes her aside to ask about her date, and tries to explain that he has a hard time expressing himself, adding that it was difficult to watch her go off on a date with another person. Mami’s response is to encourage Play-Doh to be more “aggressive” and “assertive” — that’s how Highwaters was with her today, and she le gusta.

And to prove he’s an asshole aggressive, Highwaters marches over to interrupt Mami’s conversation with Play-Doh, insisting that they need to “finish their date” and that Play-Doh is the one being rude by visiting with her. Play-Doh is like, “I mean, I know that before now you’ve only been one of these shows for like thirty seconds and you may not know any better, but no? Absolutely not? I get to talk to her now?”

thats-not-how-it-works

They continue bickering until Mami tells Highwaters to go away now please, and he finally agrees, explaining in an interview that he’s here for Mami and not to make amigos.

didn't come her to make friends

The next day is Rose Ceremony time, where 9 women will hand out roses to some 13 men.

Or at least that’s the plan.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. First, Red Flag takes Charlie Brown’s Teacher aside to reveal the truth finally — or at some portion of it. She explains that she’s been hesitant to discuss her dating history with him because the person she has been most recently involved with is a woman. Charlie Brown’s Teacher is like “… and?” Red Flag explains that she still thinks about this other woman, but that she is really into him, too, and Charlie Brown’s Teacher is like, “OK.” That’s it. That’s all that happens.

Elsewhere, Mike Johnson and Another NBA Dancer get to know each other over important ice cream revelations. Smug Chris and V-Card make out. John Paul Jones memorizes and recites a little “Romeo and Juliet” for Piggyback Ride:

What lady is that, which doth enrich the hand
Of yonder knight?
O, she doth teach the torches to burn bright!
It seems she hangs upon the cheek of night
Like a rich jewel in an Ethiope’s ear;
Beauty too rich for use, for earth too dear!
So shows a snowy dove trooping with crows,
As yonder lady o’er her fellows shows.
The measure done, I’ll watch her place of stand,
And, touching hers, make blessed my rude hand.
Did my heart love till now? forswear it, sight!
For I ne’er saw true beauty till this night.

Piggyback Ride:

gasp in shook shocked rupaul

But the focus of the episode — the Highwaters – Mami – Play-Doh triangle, with a side of Zoolander, it takes center stage when Highwaters sets up a piñata and some chocolate-covered strawberries on one of the beach beds for Miami Mami. Highwaters then takes her aside for a private conversation, at which point the other men egg on Play-Doh to go interrupt them, to be the assertive man Mami said she wanted him to be.

So he does just that, but because Play-Doh is a Nice Guy and not an asshole, he soon realizes that he’s making Miami Mami uncomfortable, and excuses himself, promising to talk to her later.

But Zoolander, he’s nothing but an asshole, and decides that it would be really funny to cut Highwater’s piñata down, and proceeds to attempt to do so. This leads to not a fun model walk-off between the two male models, but rather an all-out slap fight which culminates in Zoolander bodyslamming Highwaters.

jordan christian bodyslam bachelor in paradise bip fight.gif

bachelorette shocked jordan zoolander what

I KNOW.

The rejects still in Paradise:

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The rejects who have been further rejected:

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Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays and Tuesdays on ABC at 7/8 p.m.

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