July 30, 2018
It is time once again for the essentially useless “Men Tell All” reunion special in which the men that the Bachelorette just wasn’t that into come back and fight amongst themselves over petty and ultimately meaningless squabbles, before fawning over the woman who rejected all of them. It’s all very important business.
Chris Harrison begins by saying that “all the men are here…”
FIRST OF ALL, “all of the men” are never at the “Men Tell All” specials since the winner and the runner-up never participate. BUT SECOND OF ALL, Sex Offender wasn’t invited on account of being a sex offender, and the show made a decision to pretend that he just didn’t exist rather than acknowledge what everyone knows: that they cast a CONVICTED SEX OFFENDER to date the Bachelorette. AND THIRD OF ALL, there are only 16 men here, but she had 28 men on her cast. So even if we subtract the two finalists and the one sex offender, we are still missing 9 men (including: Play-Doh — who was a pretty important cast member, if I remember correctly; Rickey; Banjo; Man Bun #2; Chase; Grant, Alex; Darius; and The Corpse).
But sure. The gang’s all here.
So who is on the stage?
Fake Race Car Driver
Baby Temper Tantrum
Chris Harrison warms up the men by asking New Favorite about the first night at the house. He yammers about how beautiful Becca was, and how overwhelming and difficult the entire night was — not that it was the most difficult.
With that, we go to the montage of the men fighting and fighting and then fighting some more. After, Chris Harrison asks Khal Drogo what the hell was going on with Mr. Entitled … instead of, you know, maybe asking Mr. Entitled himself. Khal Drogo is blunt: Mr. Entitled lost his fucking mind, and it messed up his one-on-one date with Becca, SO THANKS AGAIN, DUDE.
Chris Harrison then directs the question to Mr. Entitled who admits he lost control, an answer that Baby Temper Tantrum doesn’t understand, pointing out that since he had a one-on-one date with Becca, he should have felt more confident than any number of the rest of them who had only been on group dates. And Mr. Entitled is like, “what can I say, dude, I’m a tangled ball of insecurity and entitlement and abandonment issues.”
And then Zoolander, of all people, drops some Bachelor wisdom that could have come straight from Chris Harrison himself:
They are definitely going to work that into next season somehow, just watch.
Chris Harrison turns his attention to Monsieur Colognoisseur, asking what was going through his brain when he told her he loved her only to take it back, along with the custom fragrance he supposedly had made for her. But before Monsieur Colognoisseur can answer, Indianapolis Colt is all, “IMMA TAKE THIS ONE, CHRIS HARRISON. MONSIEUR COLOGNOISSEUR, YOU ARE A LIAR AND A CHEAT. HOW DARE YOU, SIR. HOW DARE YOU?”
Monsieur Colognoisseur replies that he’s talking to Chris Harrison, not to “little boys,” to which Indianapolis Colt claps back that it’s OK, Monsieur Colognoisseur will take it back in three seconds. In response, Monsieur Colognoisseur says that Indianapolis Colt is “acting like a pussy, but you’ve never been inside one, so …” Indianapolis Colt then grasps his pearls with a “WELL, I NEVAH…”
Monsieur Colognoisseur then tries to explain to Chris Harrison that he was falling for Becca and that it was a mistake to take back what he said. Then for some reason New Favorite feels compelled to scold Monsieur Colognoisseur for being selfish or something, I don’t know. And honestly? What Monsieur Colognoisseur did was shitty, but I kinda get it — she rejected him, his ego was bruised, and he lashed out like a child. It’s certainly not the worst thing I’ve seen on this show or even this season — it’s certainly not as bad as casting a sex offender or a racist, and everyone should probably just calm the fuck down already.
Chris Harrison then turns his attention to Indianapolis Colt and Zoolander’s feud, and Indianapolis Colt explains that Zoolander wasn’t taking the process seriously enough for Indianapolis Colt’s liking. Zoolander starts firing back questions about Sooey Jr. and how Indianapolis Colt left the show on Sooey Jr.’s terms. Indianapolis Colt replies that he was hardly in a position to control when he was eliminated on the show, but that Zoolander is free to ask Sooey Jr. about her feelings if he’s curious.
And then Zoolander goes into this bit of inspired stream-of-consciousness:
This house moved around me. I’m the mouse, they’re the elephant. They’re constantly going to be questioning me for the next ten years. “How did this guy even exist?” I got billboards up in all of their minds, I’m paving highways. I’ll see you guys later. I should’ve worn a work vest here. A work vest!
A WORK VEST!
Chris Harrison asks Zoolander about being called a clown by Indianapolis Colt, and Zoolander explains (?) that he has fun dating, adding: “sometimes you’re gonna put a little extra wax on the hood, slide across and get your girl, you know?”
Indianapolis Colt is like, “Actually, I called you a clown because you ran around a cocktail party in gold panties.” Which … fair! Chicken Head then says he wants to “echo” what Indianapolis Colt just said, to which Zoolander is all, “Of course you do since you don’t have a voice,” before adding:
I don’t have to put on a façade, I don’t have to come on the stage and wear fancy, shiny black suits or anything and talk about how the “obvious” is what it is. I’m me, I’m unapologetically me, I’m always going to be me. I don’t have a fear to be me. If I walked around as a hologram or a skeleton of a man, where is that going to get me?
Chris Harrison turns his attention to Chicken Head, asking about him telling Becca that Zoolander said he would be settling if he were with her, which makes Zoolander SO MAD. And soon the other men are piling on Chicken Head for spending all of his time with Becca talking shit about Zoolander, New Favorite going so far as to accuse Chicken Head of bullying Zoolander.
And then Christian, who you may not remember from the show as he was on it for two seconds …
… begins jawing at Zoolander for some reason, claiming that he as a real job as a banker and that Zoolander’s job is his hobby. Remarkably, miraculously, this leads to a walk-off between the two men, and some very sharp criticism of their fashion choices. “HIGHWATERS? REALLY?” shrieks Zoolander at one point. It is GLORIOUS.
And then 60/40, who was also eliminated the first night, and who is also a male model, basically calls Zoolander a small fish and invites him to try swimming in the “big river” of New York City. Zoolander declines his invitation.
With that, Chris Harrison, because he knows good television, invites Zoolander to have the last word, which he uses on telling everyone to fuck off: “60/40, fuck you. You, the guy with the mustache, fuck you. Grocery Store Joe, what’s up? That’s it. Shut the fuck up.”
First in the proverbial “hot seat” is Zoolander even though we have certainly discussed everything there is to discuss about this empty-headed Ken doll. And indeed, the only things we learned from his time in the Chair of Heat are:
- He wishes he had shared more of who he is with Becca
- He “meant to be laughable”
- No one is more confident than he is, not even Chris Harrison
- Something about a Rolls Royce? He’s a Rolls Royce? He is driving a Rolls Royce? And then sometimes he rolls down the window of the Rolls Royce? So that he can throw slushies at the other men who drive something called a “mojo”?
- He can eat Captain Crunch with orange juice because the McMANsion is HIS HOUSE and he DO WHAT HE WANT
- He would have “the best time” in a cardboard box
- He is wearing the golden panties RIGHT THAT VERY SECOND
Next in the “hot seat” is Grocery Joe because everyone FREAKED OUT that Grocery Joe was eliminated on the first night. And it turns out there was a reason he was eliminated on the first night — he has absolutely nothing to say. Chris Harrison asks how the experience was: “Pretty bad.” What do fans say to him? “They want to take pictures.” Is he still single? “I don’t know.” Great talk, Joe.
Harry Potter is the next to chat with Chris Harrison, and after watching himself be eliminated again, he’s brought to tears. He explains to Chris Harrison that there is this one nursery rhyme that his parents used to read to him and … BRACE YOURSELF … Becca’s parents read the SAME NURSERY RHYME TO HER. And that’s when he knew he was in love.
Look, I love me some Harry Potter — he was charming and smart and is maybe the best-dressed contestant in Bachelorette history and he was always a gentleman — but COME ON. IT WAS A NURSERY RHYME. THIS ALL HAPPENED MONTHS AGO. YOU HAVE BEEN TO PARADISE SINCE. PULL IT TOGETHER, POTTER.
Indianapolis Colt is next to talk to Chris Harrison. There, he clarifies that he dated Sooey Jr. before she went on Needledick’s season — and that, interestingly, he was already a Bachelorette finalist by then. But that he SWEARS he wasn’t thinking about her during the time he was with Becca.
As for the whole virginity thing, he defends Becca against people who were upset with her for walking away from the table after he revealed it to her, insisting that she was just taking the time to “articulate something meaningful.” He then gets all choked up about how hard it was to come out of the virgin closet, how ashamed he has been, and to get cheap shots about it tonight, MONSIEUR COLOGNOISSEUR, well, it makes him feel like less of a man, but he needs to speak his truth. And Zoolander, anxious that he has not been the center of attention for like 30 WHOLE MINUTES NOW, tells Indianapolis Colt that he respects him for speaking his truth and that he “sees” him.
The final man to join Chris Harrison is New Favorite who also cries after seeing his montage because he really thought he had found his wife and the mother of his children. But it’s all good! Her happiness is all that matters! He just hopes they can still be friends! It’s a very boring conversation!
Meanwhile, this is happening in the audience:
CHILD, GET YOUR HAIR OUT YOUR MOUTH.
Finally, Becca comes out, and New Favorite is the first to ask her what he could have done differently to not be rejected on national TV, and Becca is all, “Nothing. It wasn’t about you, it was the fact that I wasn’t into you as much as I was into the other guys. Same goes for you, Harry Potter. You’re a great guy, but it was never going to happen, we were never 100% on the same page and by never 100% on the same page I mean you’re black.”
LOOK. I’M NOT SAYING BECCA IS RACIST, I’M JUST POINTING OUT THAT A WHITE BACHELORETTE HAS NEVER TAKEN A BLACK CONTESTANT TO HOMETOWNS, MUCH LESS FANTASY SUITES, MUCH LESS THE FINALE.
Becca then tells people to back the fuck up off of Sooey, Jr. — they’re still friends, Becca was never going to choose a virgin, I mean get real, and everyone needs just get over it already.
Monsieur Colognoisseur asks if he can come to the couch to speak to Becca, and he’s given permission. There, he tells her that she “smells amazing …”
… before explaining that he never meant to hurt her feelings when he took back his “I’m falling in love with you” and the perfume, he was just trying to save face. For that, he’s really sorry. And to make amends, he’s brought her another perfume, made, as Chris Harrison says, “of real bits of broken hearts and tears.” True fact.
Becca also takes a moment to explain both to the audience and to the other men that she was always amused by Zoolander, that he was always so funny. (“I wasn’t trying to be,” Zoolander somewhat pitifully replies, while managing to contradict his earlier defensive statements that he WAS JUST BEING FUN AND SLIDING OVER CAR HOODS, or whatever.) Chris Harrison also asks Becca if she regrets cutting Grocery Joe, and she’s like, “I mean, no? Someone has to go home, right?”
Finally, Chris Harrison allows Mr. Entitled the final word, and he gives a sincere and mature apology for being an “asshole” — his word, not mine — to both Becca and the other men, and for allowing his insecurities and feelings of entitlement to take over. He then brings out the same choir he brought with him on the first night to sing, “Mr. Entitled was a jerk … and he just wants to say sorry.” And dare I say, it was charming? I mean, I am 110% sure that the producers came up with this whole idea, but he still did the work of apologizing, and he gave a genuine, heartfelt, and not an “I’m sorry if you were offended” style apology. Well done, Mr. Entitled. However, I am going to hang on to that nickname until I see how you conduct yourself in Paradise.
There are bloopers. I don’t write about bloopers. (Although, I will say that Chris Harrison talking to a 12-year-old girl in the Richmond audience for the “debate” was AMAZONG. He warns her that she is not going to learn anything, and in fact, that what she is about to see is what happens if you don’t stay in school, before adding, “THE WORLD IS NOT FLAT” — literally the only reference to Sex Offender in the entire two hours.)
But then in the FINAL final moment, after the preview of the finale, and during the actual credits, Venmo drops some
science math on Zoolander regarding his claim that he made over 4,000 Tinder matches in one year:
In orfer to get to 4,000 Tinder matches, you have to assume that the average Tinder match rate is about 7%. But you’re a good-looking guy so maybe you have about a 10% success rate. Bu you are also very decisive so you might only like about 10% of the profiles that you see. So to get to 4,000 matches you would have to do 11 matches per day at a 10% success rate of 100 profile swipe rights per day. But that means you have to view over 1,000 profiles a day. So you’re viewing 365,000 profiles per day [sic]. How can you possibly have the time to be a professional male model and view 365,000 profiles in one year? That’s bigger than the population of Orlando.
Zoolander: “I’m multifaceted, Venmo. I’m multifaceted.”
Even I won’t argue that. See you in Paradise, boys!
PROGRAMMING NOTE: Next week’s recap of the finale is going to be late — maybe even later than this recap was. Apologies in advance, guys.
Here are the two men along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Becca:
The Bachelorette airs Mondays on ABC at 7/8 p.m. The finale airs this coming Monday, and my recap will definitely be late, I AM SORRY.