‘The Real Housewives of New York City’: This is how a friendship ends, not with a bang but an eyeroll.

The Real Housewives of New York
“Guess Who’s Arguing at Dinner?”
July 25, 2018

The episode begins where we left off: with Bethenny in full panic attack about … something. Her ex-husband? A custody issue? Princess Carole? Having a busy schedule? All of the above? None of the above? Dorinda, bless her, sits with Bethenny while she hyperventilates and generally terrifies the staff of la casa, while the other women decide to just go shopping already. Her Royal Highness huffs that Bethenny is creating toxic energy and that if she isn’t the center of attention or in charge of a situation, she becomes unhappy and “makes it hell” for the rest of them.

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Bethenny soon pulls herself together and she and Dorinda join the women on their shopping expedition, where Bethenny self-soothes by buying half the chi-chi boutique they found. Meanwhile, Princess Carole can barely keep her eyeballs in her head, she’s rolling them so hard at Bethenny’s theatrics.

On the way to lunch, Bethenny chats with Sonja who informs her that Ramona said Bethenny is only friends with people when she wants something from them, and that Her Royal Highness said Bethenny “takes and takes and takes.” In an interview, Bethenny replies that she is a “taker” — she took Princess Carole to the Galapagos, and she took Princess Carole to The Hamptons and she took Princess Carole and the Duke of Chives to the Bahamas.

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But this revelation clearly pushes Bethenny over the edge because soon she’s on her phone trying to call Dennis to GET HER A PLANE SO SHE CAN GO HOME. However, she is unable to reach Dennis, and the street vendors seem to be all out of Valium, so she instead has to console herself with a coconut water.

She and Sonja meet up with the other women at lunch, which is when Dennis finally calls Bethenny back, talks her off the ledge and somehow convinces her to stick out the remainder of this grueling three-day vacation.

Lunch is tense.

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Lunch is so tense that Dorinda, Princess Carole and Tinsley peace out shortly after Bethenny sits down, leaving Bethenny, Sonja, Ramona and The Countess to enjoy some O.G. Housewives time together.

That night, the ladies prepare for dinner, Sonja wearing — inexplicably — a pair of her daughter’s hot pants. Princess Carole stops by her room, where the two discuss Sonja’s cameltoe and what to do about it. Not wearing your 17-year-old-daughter’s hot pants is not one of the options considered.

But Her Royal Highness is not here to discuss cameltoes or pantyliners. Instead, Princess Carole gives Sonja a pair of earrings she bought for her earlier in the day before asking her WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS GOING ON WITH BETHENNY? BUT REALLY, THOUGH. Sonja explains that Bethenny thinks that Princess Carole doesn’t want anything to do with her and that she lacks empathy. Her Royal Highness tries to argue with Sonja that she’s not lacking in empathy, she just has a lot of other stuff going on in her life right now — but why is she arguing with Sonja’s explanation instead of reaching out to Bethenny? It’s not like she’s going to be able to fix things with Bethenny by convincing Sonja, and what I’m saying is that this entire scene is dumb.

Except for the cameltoe business, that was just some classic Sonja nonsense, and every episode needs some classic Sonja nonsense.

Everyone then goes to dinner and Bethenny straight-up steals some Colombian lady’s light-up balloon which becomes the eighth character by the end of the episode.

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Balloon Tagline: “I may be full of hot air, but you can’t say I’m not bright.”

At the table, The Countess, and Princess Carole order “mocktinis” and Sonja joins them — but with a splash of tequila in hers, please. Soon enough, the tension at the table is so thick that Her Royal Highness and Dorinda leave the table to take a smoke break. There, Dorinda urges Princess Carole to talk to Bethenny and try to figure out what is going on between them.

So Princess Carole returns to the table and asks Bethenny if they can address the elephant in the room because it is affecting everyone else. Bethenny explains that she feels like their relationship has eroded, beginning with the nonsense that happened in the summer. Her Royal Highness tries to relitigate the whole Viscount of Celery Root mashuganas, but Bethenny is like, “Yeah, we are so not going to debate that again.” Princess Carole notes that she thought they had resolved this — remember hugging it out? what happened to hugging it out? — and that’s when Bethenny realizes that everyone is listening in to their conversation and SHE DOES NOT WANT THIS TO BE A GROUP EVENT.

And here’s where everything goes to hell and becomes nearly impossible to recap:

The Countess, in an effort to distract from whatever is happening at the opposite end of the table, asks a drunken Dorinda how her margarita is. Dorinda only half-hears the question and The Countess’ makes some snide under-her-breath comment about how “she’s starting.”

Dorinda does hear that and tells The Countess SHE SHOULD START, that it’s HER TURN, and SHE DOESN’T EVEN HAVE A COUNTESSHIP ANYMORE and SHE’S THE ONE WHO GOT ARRESTED, SHE’S THE ONE WHO HAS A FELONY. A glass is broken, someone screams, The Countess and Dorinda are in each other’s faces, it’s a whole thing.

Meanwhile, down at the other end of the table, Bethenny and Princess Carole are debating whether or not Her Royal Highness even cared (or if she even knew) that Bethenny was “hysterically crying” the night before BECAUSE IT DIDN’T SEEM LIKE IT. ALSO, TOO, PRINCESS CAROLE IS SOOOOOO COOOOOOL AND DOESN’T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING AND WASN’T EVEN SAD WHEN SHE BROKE UP WITH THE COUNT OF RAISINS.

The Countess declares that she feels sick to her stomach and IS GOING BACK TO THE CASA NOW.

The Princess declares that she has to pee and IS GOING TO THE BATHROOM NOW.

No one has any idea what just happened.

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Dorinda is still OUTRAGED that The Countess deigned to judge her drinking and shares some Dorindawisdom (Dorindisdom?):

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Princess Carole and Bethenny tell each other that they love one another, but, honestly, in this very moment, it seems like something finally died once and for all. (And it was not at all surprising that it was after this episode that Princess Carole announced that she was leaving The Real Housewives of New York City after this season.)

And then everyone goes back to the casa, Dorinda drunkenly bitching the entire ride home that WHO IS THE COUNTESS, WHO HAS BEEN SOBER FOR TWO SECONDS, TO JUDGE DORINDA’S COMPLETELY OUT-OF-CONTROL DRINKING, HUH? FUCK THAT SHIT. FUCK ALL THAT FUCKING SHIT. (At least I think that’s what she was saying.)

Bethenny returns to the house and heads up to The Countess’ room where she finds The Countess in tears over how mean Dorinda was to her, what with bringing up how she’s not a countess anymore and how she was arrested, AND IS THAT WHAT HER FRIEND REALLY THINKS OF HER? Bethenny assures The Countess that all that is really happening here is that Dorinda has a drinking problem, everyone knows it, and all the nasty things she said to The Countess is really just about what she feels about herself.

Meanwhile, downstairs, Princess Carole chats with a still beligerent Dorinda who IS NOT READY TO APOLOGIZE. She feels bad about fighting with The Countess but SHE SHOULDN’T JUDGE DORINDA WHEN SHE’S THE ONE WITH THE MUGSHOT.

Bethenny joins them, declaring this the most amazing vacation ever, before noticing that Dorinda has lipstick smeared all over her face and Princess Carole is just sitting there, letting her look like the Joker?

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As Bethenny fetches something to help clean Dorinda up, Dorinda announces that she’s “gonna smoke in Cartarena,” pulling her cigarettes out from her purse and in the process, spilling them everywhere. Never change, Dorinda.

Bethenny insists to Dorinda that The Countess wasn’t judging her, that The Countess is genuinely broken up over their fight, and that Dorinda needs to MAKE IT NICE ALREADY. However, this is unlikely to happen, even if Dorinda could have remembered anything from this night.

The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo on Wednesdays at 8/9 p.m.

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