Bachelor in Paradise
August 19, 2019
We begin the episode in the middle of the previous episode’s amazing fight between Zoolander and Highwaters, which Zoolander instigated by attacking Highwater’s piñata.
A reminder: these are all adults we are talking about.
Somewhat surprisingly, Zoolander manages to violently bodyslam Highwater before the production crew could jump between them:
… You were saying something about wanting an “aggressive” man, Mami?
But Highwater, he’s a former professional soccer player and as such is zippy, and he manages to break away from the men holding him back several times before he is finally tackled to the ground by security.
The men are separated and Daddy Chris Harrison speaks to them both explaining that it doesn’t matter who started what, they are both going home because they have a zero-tolerance policy on this exact kind of bullshit.
Which means they both men are loaded up into the Adios Pendejo vans and sent back home to hopefully work on their toxic masculinity issues:
Chris Harrison explains to the rest of the cast that Fight Club has been excused from the show and that the Rose Ceremony will continue as if nothing happened, and everyone is like, “cool cool cool.”
The winner of the night — I mean besides all of us — is Play-Doh who no longer has any competition for Mami’s rose or attention, and who probably won’t be hearing about how he needs to be more aggressive anytime soon.
Elsewhere, Vanilla Ice, this asshole, he tries to secure Carrot Top’s rose by telling her that no one else likes her. Mike Johnson? Doesn’t like her. Fumbles? Not into her. Harry Potter? Thinks she’s nice but doesn’t like her in that way.
Over in the Cowboy – Empty Gift Box – Humphrey Bogart NEVER ENDING SAGA, Humphrey Bogart treats her to a gummy worm picnic, whereas Cowboy ambushes her with mariachis and forces her to do that one spin dance twirl that is his go-to move.
Empty whines in an interview that she has to choose between two “great” guys …
… before explaining that her mother always told her to take her “multi-vitamin” and now she has to choose between Vitamin B or Vitamin D.
And then it’s FINALLY time to do this Rose Ceremony and kick some more pendejos out of here. But before Chris Harrison can invite the first woman up, Carrot Top interrupts to announce that she’s outta here. ADIOS, MOFOS.
And as she leaves, she takes Vanilla Ice’s chances of remaining in Paradise with her. SO HOW DID MAKING HER FEEL LIKE SHIT WORK OUT FOR YOU, ASSHOLE?
As for the Rose Ceremony itself:
Demi: Charlie Brown’s Teacher
V-Card: Smug Chris
Miami Mami: Play-Doh
Miss North Carolina: Kewpie Doll
Piggyback Ride: John Paul Jones
Another NBA Dancer: Mike Johnson
Empty Gift Box: ~DRAMATIC MUSIC SWELLS~ Humphrey Bogart
Olya Povlatsky: Cowboy
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? Olya claims that she’s keeping Cowboy around to torture him, to form him to watch Empty Gift Box be happy with someone else, but I, for one, am not buying it.
Anyway, we load up three more pendejos into the Adios Pendejo vans:
The next morning, the vibe in Paradise is calmer — though most people are irritated that Cowboy managed to survive another day, calling him the “turd that won’t flush.”
That’s when the first of the new women arrives into Paradise: Caitlin from Colton’s season, whom I nicknamed “Cherry Popper” because she arrived at the McMansion with a cherry balloon and popped it in a blatant threat towards our virgin Bachelor. So Cherry Popper walks in and sets her sights on Kewpie only to discover that he and virtually everyone else in Paradise are pretty much coupled up already. (Although Kewpie, after chatting with Cherry, does torture Miss North Carolina by asking if he can talk to her … making her believe that he’s accepted Cherry Popper’s invitation, only to reveal that HA HA, of course he’s not going on the date with Chery Popper. Cool joke, Guy Who Is Best Known for Being a Cheating Cheater.)
Which is why she has to settle for Cowboy, who accepts the date with something of a sigh because she’s not Empty Gift Box.
Oh, and yes, Cowboy and Cherry Popper met at Stagecoach because OF COURSE THEY DID.
On the date, the pair do sex yoga and then Cowboy explains that he’s pretty much has made the sex with everyone in Paradise and now they all hate him. But Cherry Popper is like “~shrug~ let’s make out!”
That night after Cowboy and Cherry Popper return to Paradise, a date card is delivered for Humphrey Bogart who is finally able to take Empty Gift Box out on a proper date giving Cowboy the sadz.
For their date, they go to that one resort that has that really shallow pool that the producers just love to set up tables in the middle of for some reason. There, Humphrey Bogart reveals that his dad had cancer and that his mother proved herself to be the strongest women he’s ever known and blah blah blah he’ll never give up on Empty Gift Box or something. And that’s when one hundred Aztec dancers surround and menace them.
Back in Paradise, Cowboy is pouting about Empty going out on a date …
… while Smug Chris and V-Card flirt as do John Paul Jones and Piggyback Ride in what I think we can all agree is the weirdest pairing up this season.
Elsewhere, however, Red Flag is still torn between this woman back home and Charlie Brown’s Teacher and feeling super guilty about her feelings.
And that’s why the prodcuers bring in Hannah the Bachelorette the next morning, to talk to Red Flag and check in on her. The two speak privately, where Red Flag informs Hannah that she’s told a few people in Paradise about her attraction to women, including Charlie Brown’s Teacher, and everyone’s been super accepting. Hannah wryly notes that in her experience, not every man is so cool with women’s sexuality.
Red Flag admits that she’s torn in her feelings between Charlie Brown’s Teacher and this other woman and that she hasn’t been entirely forthcoming with Charlie Brown’s Teacher about it, and Hannah is like, “WELL, GET ON IT.”
So Red Flag does, asking Charlie Brown’s Teacher to talk privately. There, she admits that she still has feelings for the woman she told him about from back home (which I thought she did earlier? but maybe she wasn’t so definitive about it? I don’t know?), but she also cares about him and ultimately she’s confused. Charlie Brown’s Teacher vows to continue fighting for her.
And then Red Flag goes on a long walk on the beach to stare thoughtfully out at the ocean so we KNOW it’s serious.
The rejects still in Paradise:
The rejects who have been further rejected:
Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays and Tuesdays on ABC at 7/8 p.m.