President Snowflake has announced that no one from the White House is allowed to go to the White House Correspondent’s Dinner because bitch can’t take a joke and neither can any of the gaggle of liars he keeps employed. WHY ARE YOU STILL THERE, SARAH LYING SANDERS? WHAT IS EVEN YOUR JOB? IT’S NOT LIKE YOU DO PRESS BRIEFINGS ANYMORE.
Nor does the Tweeter-in-Chief have any idea how Twitter works, despite spending all of his toilet time twatting. He dragged Twitter’s founder, Jack Dorsey, into the White House to yell at him about the fact that Obama has more followers than he does.
But despite being SO MAD at Twitter for taking away his best friends — Russian bots — President Doofus spent yesterday morning twit-screaming at the people on the teevees and The New York Times whom he fantasized genuflecting in front of him.
At least Morning Joe had a sense of humor about it:
For those of us in Texas, our one slightly-not-hideously-embarrassing senator decided that he needed to go ahead and destroy any shred of dignity or respect he might have by trying to play Trump’s game.
So comedian Patton Oswalt had the temerity to be in an ad for MJ Hegar, a Democrat and military vet, who plans to against John Cornyn for Senate in 2020:
In response, Cornyn’s campaign Twitter account decided to go after Patton Oswalt for ~GASP~ using bad words.
It didn’t go over well. The ratio on the first tweet, last I checked, was 600 likes to nearly 10,000 comments.
Bless their a*******g hearts.
But speaking of offensive behavior, Y’ALL NEED TO KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF OF PODRICK. AND FIND SOME JESUS.
If you were hoping for a new Daredevil or Jessica Jones series in 2020, I have some bad news. Disney’s lawyers have been warned by Netflix’s, presumably, that they aren’t allowed to even start developing new series based on the Marvel characters until the two-year waiting period that began at the series’ cancelation ends.
The Academy of Motion Pictures is not going to change its rules to punish Netflix, after all. Oh, and Steven Spielberg? He loves Netflix, you guys, you got this whole thing wrong.
We have a new Jeopardy! millionaire.
That one time when The Ramones were on Live with Regis and Kathie Lee!
Robert Durst is going to trial for murdering Susan Berman, and his attorneys are dragging the documentary filmmakers who made The Jinx into it, claiming they manipulated the edit to make it look like he confessed. Everything about this batshit insane case fascinates me and not just because Robert Durst peed all over the candy in my CVS this one time.
Now Jussie Smollett’s lawyers are being sued by the guys who allegedly staged the attack. What a mess.
Stay well, Britney Spears! We’re rooting for you!
David Milch, the creator of Deadwood, has revealed his has Alzheimer’s. Take care of yourself, Mr. Milch.
Sex Monster News
Whitney Davis, a CBS executive, has A LOT to say about the company’s toxic culture in this open letter. It’s REALLY SOMETHING.
Fred Savage was apparently sued for harassing and intimidating female crew members on his show The Grinder, but the suit has been dismissed, possibly because he settled with the plaintiffs.
Johnny Depp reportedly tried to get Amber Heard fired from Aquaman because he’s a shithead.
Vic Mignogna, the anime voice actor known for his work on the Dragonball series, is suing Funimation and a bunch of other voice actors for defamation after being fired for harassing his fellow employees and fans.
Renewals
- The Good Fight has been renewed at CBS All Access.
- Warrior has been renewed at Cinemax.
In Development
- Ryan Murphy has revealed that he has 10 projects at Netflix: Three documentaries, three movies, and four TV shows.
- Showtime, a series about the Lakers by Adam McKay, has been given a pilot order ironically enough at HBO.
- McMillions, a docuseries from Mark Wahlberg’s production company, is in production at HBO.
- A Star Trek animated series is headed to Nickelodeon.
- Life After Lockup has been greenlit at WE TV.
- Inside Job, an adult animated comedy is coming to Netflix.
- Extracurricular, a Korean teen crime drama, has been picked up by Netflix.
Casting News
- Laura Donnelly is going to star in Joss Whedon’s next project for HBO, The Nevers.
- Sara Gilbert is joining the cast of Atypical on Netflix.
Mark Your Calendars
- Catch-22 will debut on Hulu on May 17.
- Always Be My Maybe will premiere on Netflix on May 31.
- All in My Family will debut on Netflix on May 3.
- Designated Survivor will premiere on Netflix on June 7.
- Pose will now debut on FX on June 11.
- Nailed It! will return on Netflix on May 17.
- Mr. Iglesias will debut on Netflix on June 21.
- The Detour will return on TBS on June 18.
- Pete Buttigieg will have a town hall on Fox News on May 19.
- “The Ultimate Live PD Marathon” will air on A&E beginning on April 26.
- Murder Chose Me will return on Investigation Discovery on May 2.
- The 2019 MTV Movie and TV Awards will air on MTV on June 17.
- Flip it Like Disick will debut on E! sometime later this summer.
- Despite Everything will premiere on Netflix on May 3.
R.I.P.
Terry Rawlings, Legendary editor on Alien, Blade Runner, Chariots of Fire and many more.
WATCH THIS
The Real Housewives of New York: The women run into Mario. ~Chrissy Teigen cringe gif here~ 8 p.m., Bravo
Cobra Kai: SWEEP THE LEG. Season premiere. YouTube
Bonding: A grad student enlists her best friend to work as her assistant in her dominatrix business in this new comedy. Series premiere. Netflix
The Music Man: I feel like we’re all living through this movie right now — except without the happy ending. 7 p.m., TCM
Late Night:
- Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon: Brie Larson, Wyatt Cenac, Wu-Tang Clan
- The Daily Show: Melinda Gates
- Conan: Howie Mandel
- Busy Tonight: Colin Hanks
- Watch What Happens Live: Luann De Lesseps, Barbara Kavovit
| WEDS. | 7:00 | 7:30 | 8:00 | 8:30 | 9:00 | 9:30 |
| ABC | The Goldbergs (repeat) |
Schooled (repeat) |
Modern Family (repeat) |
Single Parents (repeat) |
Whiskey Cavalier (repeat) |
| CBS | Survivor (new) |
The Amazing Race (new) |
SEAL Team (new) |
| CW | Riverdale (new) |
Jane the Virgin (new) |
Local |
| FOX | Empire (new) |
Star (new) |
News/Local |
| NBC | Chicago Med (new) |
Chicago Fire (new) |
Chicago P.D. (new) |