‘The Bachelor’: WE’VE GOT A RUNNER!

The Bachelor
March 4, 2019

… but we’ll get to that.

After months of being teased with the image of Colton hurling himself over a fence and fleeing into the night, the big moment is finally here — and for most fans, it could not come soon enough.

The big moment comes during our Fantasy Suites episode. The way these Fantasy Suites episodes usually work is that the Bachelor/Bachelorette goes on daylong dates with the three remaining contestants, dates that culminate with them spending the night together in said fantasy suites where it is understood that they are going to bone.

stephen colbert sex fingers angry

Except this is not just any typical Fantasy Suites episode. This is Our Virgin Bachelor is Finally Going to Lose His Virginity and He’s Going to Do So On National Television With One of These Three Women Fantasy Suites episode, and as such, the pressure on everyone is EXTREMELY HIGH.

nervouslaugh tina fey

Which is why, I suppose, this episode ends after only two dates, no lost virginity and our dumb collie of a Bachelor hurling himself over a fence, which itself became the source of pent-up frustrations for Bachelor viewers, waiting all season for the big moment to arrive.

But with the big Jump Over the Fence moment — television gold that the producers were more than happy to milk for all it was worth — also comes a logistical nightmare. As noted, the episode ends after only two of the three usual dates, forcing them to spin what would normally be 80 minutes of show into 120 minutes of show, which means we have to endure a whole lot of boring shit before we get to the goods.

To fill two hours of programming with 30 minutes of actual content, we begin the episode where we left off last week: moments following the rose ceremony, when Colton asks Chris Harrison to come chat with him and the women wonder, “OOOH, WHAT ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT?”

Turns out: absolutely nothing.

Colton informs Chris Harrison that he’s finally going to the fantasy suites, it was awkward the last time he almost went to the fantasy suites, he hopes it’s not going to be awkward this time now that he’s headed to the fantasy suites.

SPOILER ALERT: Once in the fantasy suites, the only thing it will be is awkward.

We then fly everyone to Algarve, Portugal, which apparently is Colton and all of the ladies’ first introduction to Europe. Look, Algarve looks beautiful, and I definitely have Portugal on my list of places I would like to eat my way through, but it ain’t no Rome or Paris or Barcelona or London or any other European capital and I can’t help but think that free trip or not, there had to be a teensy bit of disappointment.

Once in Portugal, we kill some more time by having Colton and the three women walk around Algarve and squint into the middle distance while their voice-overs yammer meaninglessly about “journeys” and “trust” and “falling in love” and “exploring” and “feelings” and “seeing the future” and “DOING THE DIRTY IN THE DIRTIES IN THE FANTASY SUITES ALREADY.”

The only question is: who will be the first date and will she devirginify him? Because if not, she’s definitely going home.

The answer to the first question is: Piggyback Ride. The answer to the second question is: …

Piggyback and Colton go on a helicopter ride, the classic Bachelor date that says, “I really don’t have anything to say to you, so let’s spend half of our time together with these headsets on and pointing at things.”

Eventually, they land at a lighthouse where they have a picnic because The Bachelor clearly has some sort of tie-in deal with Big Picnic. And we see sooooo much more of their boring-ass conversation than we normally would because some poor editor was told, “STRETCH. I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO, MAKE THIS DATE FILL AT LEAST 40 MINUTES OF AIR TIME.”

I refuse to transcribe what they said because it is so boring. Just imagine two attractive people saying absolutely nothing to each other for twenty minutes.

That night they have “dinner” where Piggyback spends a lot of time “worrying” about her boob popping out of her top before telling Colton that her ex-husband cheated on her 18 months into their marriage. HEY, SEXXXY TOPIC. LET’S GO MAKE THE SEXXXXXXxxxx

To that end, Colton offers her the fantasy suite card which she happily accepts. In the hotel suite, they mill about the room, feed each other deserts, and giggle at the bubble bath that has been drawn for them before closing the door on the camera. But what makes the entire scene for me are the closed captions which explain that the music begins as [TENSE MUSIC] but by the end becomes [DYNAMIC MUSIC].

And “dynamic” =

Right?

The next morning, we find Colton and Piggyback Ride in bed together and things are … not post-coital.

That look when you definitely did not have sex.

Everyone is much too stiff to have actually had sex within the past 9 hours, and, in fact, after a very awkward breakfast, Piggyback reveals that no devirginifying actually happened — and she is not happy about it (despite trying to put on a brave face) (but we all know) (also, she’s done for).

Next date: Butterflies. Colton picks her up in a classic Mercedes convertible which is easily the most beautiful thing in the entire episode. They then spend the day wandering around Tavira, which, again, seems like a nice town but also … super boring.

After making out next to some historic churches and shit, they go to a patio to have a picnic because

 — BIG PICNIC —

and there, Colton makes a virgin rookie mistake: he tells Butterflies that her father did not give his blessing to Colton to ask for her hand in marriage.

Now, look. If Butterflies were yours truly, I would have been caught in a psychological tug-of-war: On the one hand, I WILL NEVER MARRY A MAN WHO THINKS IT IS NECESSARY TO ASK MY FATHER FOR PERMISSION TO MARRY ME BECAUSE HE DOES NOT NEED MY FUCKING FATHER’S PERMISSION, HE ONLY NEEDS MINE. On the other: had my father rejected someone’s proposal to propose, that would only make me want to marry them more. Unless! Like on Alias, my dad was all, “I reject your asking for permission to marry my daughter because if you knew my daughter well enough to marry her, you’d know she would dump you for asking me to marry her.”

By the way, as if you couldn’t guess, my husband absolutely did not ask for my father’s blessing but if he had, my father — who is a very sweet man — would have given it to him, or anyone, honestly, he would just have been honored to have been asked. LOL. DENIED.

OK, so Colton tells Butterflies this, and somehow, despite her conversation with her sister who tearfully begged her not to marry this dummy and despite her mother yelling TOO SOON and despite her father himself taking her aside and being like, “Nope, don’t see it,” despite all of that, Butterflies is shocked! SHOCKED! to hear that her family — specifically, her father — disapproves.

Meanwhile, our big affable golden retriever, Colton, is all, “You know what? Your father’s blessing is important to me, obviously, but it’s not that important. Glad we cleared that up, are you ready to go fantasy suite?”

She is not! She is absolutely not ready to go anywhere, instead crying photogenic single fat tears in an interview about her father not giving his blessing. And all this says to me that if she’s this upset that she, an adult, does not have her father’s permission to get married in an entirely hypothetical situation, she’s not ready to get married to anyone.

So then, everyone retreats to the hotel for a little down time which is when The Producers deliver Butterflies’ father to the hotel.

I mean. You guys. Her dad. They flew her dad to Portugal.

I have so many questions about the logistics of this. Like, at what point in the filming did they decide they needed to purchase Dad an airplane ticket to Portugal? Was it immediately after they finished shooting the hometown visit? Or did it take them a day or two to realize the chaos they could cause if they ponied up one more airline ticket to Europe? Did they have to negotiate with Dad about when he could go? Like, did he have to consult his calendar and tell his job that he needed to take three or four days off because a reality show was flying him to PORTUGAL for the express purpose of talking his adult daughter out of marrying some idiot former football player she met six weeks ago? I just want to know how all of this came together. I NEED ALL OF THE DETAILS.

So after surprising some poor woman in the hotel lobby:

Dad surprises Butterflies in her hotel room, explaining that he has a concerned. The two sit down and he confirms that he absolutely did not give Colton his blessing to propose to her because marriage is Serious Business. Butterflies tries to whine that she just wants her family to be supportive of her decisions, but Dad is like, “Yeah, cool, except, do you even like this guy?”

Butterflies:

Dad: “I’ll support you if you can tell me honestly that you are in love with Colton. Do you love Colton?”

Butterflies:

Dad: “Because when I met your mom I had no doubts she was the one. Do you have any doubts?”

Butterflies:

Dad: “My work is done here.”

As Butterflies heads into the evening portion of the date, she explains that thanks to Dad, she knows what she has to do: she has to send herself home tonight, she just hopes she can go through with it. You and the producers both, girl.

MEANWHILE, in some very earnest footage that I’m sure they have on every on the Bachelor and Bachelorette, but they choose not to use in order to keep the drama going, Colton tells the producers that Butterflies is THE ONE. She’s Forever. She’s his Future Wife. She’s the one he’s been saving himself for. And he is AB-SO-FUCKING-LUTELY losing his virginity to her tonight and OMG CAN’T WAIT.

And yeah, sure, the whole “No Blessing” thing was a speed bump, but they are over it and it’s all sex and proposals from here on out.

Butterflies arrives, and they begin with a toast to the “entire journey” and “exploring their relationship” and “getting these restrictive pants off already.”

Colton then apologizes for not being articulate enough to really discuss the whole “No Blessing” thing, but the point is, while it’s disappointing, it has done nothing to discourage him from moving forward with her.

“Yeah, about that,” Butterflies replies, “The producers flew my dad to Portugal to talk me out of going forward with any of this and it totally worked. So, because I want you to leave here with what you came here for — and I know I can’t give you that because I am not in love with you — I’m going to just go ahead and go home now.”

Colton did not see this coming, despite three other women telling him that there were women here who were not ready, despite Piggyback Ride and Carp saying, “BUTTERFLIES. SPECIFICALLY BUTTERFLIES IS NOT READY,” despite Butterflies’ entire family telling him, “Nope, she’s not ready,” and DESPITE BUTTERFLIES HERSELF TELLING HIM TO HIS FAT FACE, “I AM NOT READY TO TELL YOU THAT I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU BECAUSE I AM NOT READY,” despite allllllll of that, this dingus still manages to be completely shocked by this.

Butterflies continues explaining that though she cares about him, a proposal is just around the damn corner and she doesn’t think she can get there in time. Butterflies then spends the next twenty minutes saying, “I don’t know” over and over and over and over and over

and over and over and over

and over and over and over and over and over

and over.

Colton tries to assure her that they can take all the time she needs — because, get this, a dumb reality show doesn’t actually dictate the timetable of their relationship, and all of this? Is just bullshit. Colton then reveals that she’s it — she’s the one he’s going to pick. But instead of being the reassurance she needs, I suspect this is what pushes Butterflies over the edge, because she’s like “NOPE, TOO REAL, DO NOT LOVE, I’M OUT OF HERE.”

So, after shaking like a leaf for ten minutes, Colton realizes that he’s not going to convince Butterflies to stay, and he walks her to the FUCK THIS NOISE van and says goodbye.

Bye, Butterflies! Don’t feel bad. You tried to tell him — everyone did — he just didn’t want to hear it.

Boy, this gif really proved to be a prescient choice for this season.

Colton goes back up to his room for a hot minute before having second thoughts, storms out of his room, shoves his way past the cameraman, bolts down a driveway and finally FINALLY after nine long episodes, after 18 hours of nonsense, Colton jumps over the damn fence.

Someone yells, “GET CHRIS HARRISON!!” And Chris Harrison, forced to put down his rye on the rocks and put on his pants and shoes, wanders outside. But by the time he and the crew figure out how to open the damn gate, Colton is gone, running free in the wilds of Portugal.

They lost the Bachelor.

AND THIS IS WHY YOU GET YOUR BACHELOR MICROCHIPPED.

~TO BE CONTINUED~

Here are the ladies who were eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:

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Here are the women along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Colton — BUT COME ON:

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The Bachelor airs Mondays on ABC at 7/8 p.m.

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