I’m going to spend exactly as much time talking about last night’s boring-ass Super Bowl as it deserves.

The only thing I have to say about yesterday’s game is that it was the lowest-rated Super Bowl in a decade. And I am not saying that the terrible call in the Saints-Rams game two weeks ago was a conspiracy to throw the game in the Rams’ favor on the part of the NFL who is desperate to break open the Los Angeles market, I’m just saying if it was, it didn’t work and all they ended up doing was pissing off one of the most pro-football cities I’ve ever lived in and I live in Texas. Anyway, suck it, NFL. You’re the worst.

Oh, well, one more thing about the game: SpongeBob’s “Sweet Victory” was not performed because we had to spend more time with Maroon 5’s medley of mediocre songs for white moms. THE. WORST.

WAIT! One last thing. Fox News’ Dana Perino was awfully proud of this … thing … she made? found? conjured? that she claimed, bless her heart, was “queso.”

As you can imagine, Twitter had a fucking field day with this:

BUT WAIT! IT GETS BETTER! SHE GAVE THE RECIPE. “RECIPE.”

we have to call the police.gif

Instead of the Super Bowl, y’all should have been binge-watching Russian Doll.

Really, Russian Doll, y’all. (Don’t click on the link if you want to avoid minor spoilers.) It’s only 8 30-minute episodes, so it is an easy binge, and it is WORTH. IT. And if you’ve seen it, this is a decent BUT VERY SPOILERY review and this is THAT song. Get used to me yelling at y’all about this one.

Update on the Jussie Smollett situation: He performed live in Los Angeles on Saturday and addressed the situation:

“There’s been a lot of stuff that’s been said about me that’s absolutely not true. There’s just a couple of points that I want to make really quick. Four points. I was bruised, but my ribs were not cracked. They were not broken. I went to the doctor immediately. Frank Gatson drove me. I was not hospitalized. Both my doctors in L.A. and Chicago cleared me to perform but said to take care obviously. And above all, I fought the fuck back. I’m the gay Tupac.”

Looks like the Breaking Bad movie — whatever it is — is filming at some familiar Albuquerque locations.

Netflix has unveiled a new logo for original programming:

Wait, Chelsea Peretti leaving Brooklyn Nine-Nine wasn’t entirely her idea? What? But, why?

OH HELL NO, RYAN MURPHY. NO SIR.

Sarah Michelle Gellar will not be in the Buffy reboot, and you know what? That’s fine.

Based on the book series, here are some storylines you can expect to show up on Outlander next season.

Comedy Central has pulled all their ads from FuckJerry’s Instagram account. This will only matter to you if you are a comedy nerd or watched the Fyre documentary (and even those among you who did, you probably don’t care).

Amazon is giving away the first seasons of three anime series, if you’re an anime geek.

Damon Wayans Jr., having seen the Kevin Hart debacle, has issued a statement apologizing for some anti-LGBTQ tweets in his past. He takes full responsibility and yes, this has everything to do with a new show he’s producing about a gender-non-conforming teenager. See below.

Chris Albrecht is stepping down as CEO of Starz.

Adnan Virk has been fired from ESPN and, refreshingly enough, it might not have anything to do with sexual harassment.

#MeToo

Manny Oliver, father Joaquin Oliver, of one of the Parkland shooting victims, performed a “stand-up” routine in response to Louis C.K. joking about the Parkland kids. In a tidbit that I had missed, somehow, and thank God because it makes my eyes go red just seeing it now, in response to the controversy he created with his Parkland jokes, in a different stand-up routine, Louis C.K. said: “If you ever need people to forget that you jerked off, what you do is you make a joke about kids that got shot.”

Manny’s “set” is only about a minute long, please watch.

R.I.P. Joaquin and all the other Parkland victims.

Andrea Constand, Bill Cosby’s accuser who eventually won her case against him, has settled her lawsuit against the prosecutor who refused to bring charges against Cosby originally.

Wow: entire industries have been blacklisted for sexual harassment policies by some insurers because they have such a bad reputation for sweeping harassment under the rug for big rainmakers and stars.

“Ten of the 32 largest insurers will no longer write EPLI policies for financial firms (brokers, investment banks, VCs, etc); eight will no longer sell EPLI coverage to entertainment and media companies. Also blacklisted are law firms, car dealerships, and other industries where ‘superstars’ or ‘celebrities’ or ‘high-billing rainmakers’ have historically been able to get away with bad behavior so long as they continued to perform for the firm.”

Renewals

Cancellations

In Development

Casting News

Mark Your Calendar

  • Game of Thrones returns on April 14 on HBO.
  • The Handmaid’s Tale will return on Hulu “soon.”
  • The Twilight Zone will premiere on CBS All Access on April 1.
  • What We Do in the Shadows will debut on FX on March 27 and, you guys …
  • Big Mouth‘s Valentine’s special will begin streaming on Netflix on Friday.
  • Our Planet will debut on Netflix on April 5.
  • Quicksand will debut on Netflix on April 5.

R.I.P.

Kristoff St. James, Emmy-award-winning actor who portrayed Neil on Young and the Restless for some 28 years. Hollywood reacted to his death.

Julie Adams, Actress best known as the star of Creature from the Black Lagoon. She also appeared in a minor role on Lost as “Amelia.” Yeah, I know.

Neal James, “Banjo Man” from Animal Planet’s Call of the Wild

WATCH THIS

The Bachelor: The dummies go to Thailand. 7 p.m., ABC

Manifest: I don’t know. Stuff happens. This show. Ugh. 9 p.m., NBC

Man With a Plan: This crap is back. LOOK, I’M IN A MOOD. IT’S BEEN A HARD WEEK. Season premiere. 7:30 p.m., CBS

Arrow: The 150th episode of the series that turned The CW into DC’s outpost (and turned the network’s fortunes around). 7 p.m., The CW

Late Night:

  • Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon: Christoph Waltz, Rory McIlroy, a performance by the Broadway cast of “The Band’s Visit”
  • Late Night with Seth Meyers: Jake Tapper, Justina Machado, Marlon James, Tucker Rule
  • The Late Show with Stephen Colbert: Taraji P. Henson, Matt Walsh, Marie Kondo
  • The Late Late Show with James Corden: Laura Dern, Alfonso Cuaron, Beck
  • Jimmy Kimmel Live: David Spade
  • The Daily Show: Colin Quinn
  • Busy Tonight: Nina Dobrev
  • Conan: Jeff Goldblum
  • Watch What Happens Live: James Kennedy, Raquel Leviss, Billie Lee

MON. 7:00 7:30 8:00 8:30 9:00 9:30
ABC The Bachelor
(new)
The Good Doctor
(new)
CBS The Neighborhood
(new)
Man with a Plan
(new)
Celebrity Big Brother
(new)
Bull
(new)
CW Arrow
(new)
Black Lightning
(new)
Local
FOX The Resident
(new)
The Passage
(new)
News/Local
NBC America’s Got Talent: The Champions
(new)
Manifest
(new)
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