‘The Bachelor’: Let’s meet the adult women who think dating and marrying a virgin is just a very good idea.

Today was a solemn and quiet day here in Houston as we honored one last time our adopted son, President George H.W. Bush, and laid him to rest. Even for a liberal bomb-thrower like your trusty blogger, it was a day that felt big, important, memorable. And so, of course, OF COURSE, today is the day ABC decided to release the names of the 30 idiots who have signed up to date the monosyllabic virginal Bachelor, Colton Underwood, resulting in a severe case of Current Event Whiplash for your trusty, and bomb-throwing blogger. 

But here they are, in all their toothy glory along with the most interesting fact about them that I could find on ABC’s website. Good luck and Godspeed, ladies.

CAELYNN

CAELYNN

23
Miss North Carolina 2018
Charlotte, NC

This asshole apparently once went all the way to Japan for a first date — A FIRST DATE! — so she seems grounded and reasonable.

DEMI

DEMI

23
Interior Designer
Red Oak, TX

One of the things we learn about Demi is that she can drive a stick shift. Why this is an impressive or even interesting fact about her remains a mystery.

ONYEKA

ONYEKA

24
IT Risk Consultant
Dallas, TX

Onyeka’s parents are originally from Nigeria but apparently raised her in Kansas which is … a choice.

TRACY

TRACY

31
Wardrobe Stylist
Los Angeles, CA

Tracy is a “wardrobe stylist” which you probably already guessed based on this very well-thought-out outfit in her profile picture featuring a blazer over bicycle shorts and a tube top.

ERIKA

ERIKA

25
Recruiter
Encinitas, CA

Erika claims her friends call her “The Nut” because she is a “ball of energy with a great sense of humor.” I’m already exhausted.

LAURA

LAURA

26
Accountant
Dallas, TX

Laura once moved to Spain on a whim but then returned home to Texas because who can stay away from the splendor of Dallas?

ALEX B.

ALEX B.

29
Dog Rescuer
Vancouver, BC

Alex has reportedly traveled the world looking for dogs to save from slaughter, and to date has rescued over 5,000. While this is a noble cause, I have many questions including “how is this a paying job” and “what does she do with the dogs she rescues” and “aren’t there enough dogs in Canada that need saving that she doesn’t need to travel the world?” YES, YES, YULIN DOG FESTIVAL, I WATCH THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS, TOO, but still.

NICOLE

NICOLE

25
Social Media Coordinator
Miami, FL

Nicole is described as “a fun and energetic Miami native.” Fun fact: there is literally no other kind of Miami native.

BRIANNA

BRIANNA

24
Model
Los Angeles, CA

Brianna’s (or Bri, according to ABC’s site) biggest dating fear is farting too loudly. A quiet fart on a date, though, that’s cool.

CAITLIN

CAITLIN

25
Realtor
Toronto, ON

Caitlin likes “singing in the shower.” OK.

COURTNEY

COURTNEY

23
Caterer
Atlanta, GA

Courtney runs a catering company that produces healthy meals for athletes which seems really specific to me.

ALEX D.

ALEX D.

23
Sloth
Boston, MA

“SLOTH” IS NOT A JOB. I REPEAT, “SLOTH” IS NOT A JOB.

SYDNEY

SYDNEY

27
NBA Dancer
New York, NY

Sydney has never had a boyfriend, and I’m not saying that’s a red flag, I’m just saying what? how? 27? what?

ANNIE

ANNIE

23
Financial Associate
New York, NY

Before going to college Annie was a nationally competitive horse rider. OK.

HANNAH G.

HANNAH G.

23
Content Creator
Birmingham, AL

“Content Creator.”

rupaul-okay-next

KIRPA

KIRPA

26
Dental Hygienist
Whittier, CA

“Kirpa” sounds like a kind of fish.

TAYSHIA

TAYSHIA

28
Phlebotomist
Corona Del Mar, CA

When she’s not drawing blood, Tayshia goes to church and drinks wine. OK.

CATHERINE

CATHERINE

26
DJ
Ft. Lauderdale, FL

Not content to be merely a successful commercial real estate agent, Catherine is also “DJ Agro—an up-and-coming hip-hop DJ making a name for herself on the Ft. Lauderdale club scene.”

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL x infinity.

I literally don’t know which part of this is my favorite: “up-and-coming hip-hop DJ,” “the Ft. Lauderdale club scene,” being an “up-and-coming hip-hop DJ on the Ft. Lauderdale club scene,” or “DJ Argo.” DID SHE NAME HERSELF AFTER THE BEN AFFLECK MOVIE?? I love her already and she is my favorite and I hope she goes all the way but not ALL the way because I want her to be the next Bachelorette.

HEATHER

HEATHER

22
Never Been Kissed
Carlsbad, CA

Heather has been skydiving and whitewater rafting but has “never been kissed by a boy.” I don’t know about you but I’m getting strong fundamentalist weirdo whose father gave her a purity ring when she was 9 and took her to too many daddy/daughter dances vibes.

CASSIE

CASSIE

23
Speech Pathologist
Huntington Beach, CA

Cassie is an “avid surfer” and studying to become a speech pathologist. OK.

ANGELIQUE

ANGELIQUE

28
Marketing Salesperson
Hamilton, NJ

Apparently, Angelique loves corny jokes, and the ABC press department thought that the following counts as a joke: “Why did Colton cross the road? To meet you, of course!”

kendall disappointed no bachelor in paradise ugh

HANNAH B.

HANNAH B.

23
Miss Alabama 2018
Tuscaloosa, GA

Hannah’s entire biography is about Alabama: that she attended the University of Alabama, she was Miss Alabama, that she loves to go to University of Alabama football games, her parents went to the University of Alabama. RUN AWAY, COLTON, IT’S A CULT, COLTON.

DEVIN

DEVIN

23
Broadcast Journalist
Medford, OR

Devin is a sports reporter who also does yoga. OK.

TAHZJUAN

TAHZJUAN

25
Business Development Associate
Castle Pines, CO

Tahzjuan here has a tattoo that reads “I love bad ideas.” I’m just going to stop there.

NINA

NINA

30
Sales Account Manager
Raleigh, NC

Nina is Croatian who immigrated to the United States when she was 9 to avoid the war. So that’s a happy story.

ELYSE

ELYSE

31
Makeup Artist
Soldotna, AK

Elyse grew up in Alaska but fled to Arizona as soon as she could because TOO COLD. Just based on this fact alone, Elyse might be the smartest of the bunch.

KATIE M.

KATIE M.

26
Medical Sales Representative
Sherman Oaks, CA

Katie was a member of the LSU dance team until she gave it all up for the glamorous world of medical sales.

REVIAN

REVIAN

24
Nurse
Santa Monica, CA

Revian is a fan of music festivals. And here’s how we know Revian is a pathological liar because NO ONE IS A FAN OF MUSIC FESTIVALS.

ERIN

ERIN

28
Cinderella
Plano, TX

Ok, so the story here is that Erin works in her stepmother’s home improvement business, hence, “Cinderella.” My question is whether this is something she calls herself or something ABC labeled her because they thought it was cute. Because if she calls herself that …

red flag andy samberg look out snl

JANE

JANE

26
Social Worker
West Hollywood, CA

Jane (whose actual name might be Adrianne?) is described as a “free spirit” who uses “positive energy” in her work with seniors.

killing eve god i'm tired

And now if you’ll excuse me, I am going to go enjoy my remaining Bachelor-free weeks before this damn show and all of its terrible spinoffs consume my life.

The Bachelor returns on ABC on January 7 in a three-hour premiere. SANTA, BRING ME BOX WINE.

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