In which Dan Crenshaw takes over ‘Saturday Night Live’ and I have a few things to yell about it

Saturday Night Live
Liev Schreiber & Lil’ Wayne
November 10, 2018

I have no idea why Liev Schrieber was hosting Saturday Night Live this week. Ray Donovan is in its sixth season and returned on Showtime … ~checks notes~ … three weeks ago, so why? Why is he here? He’s not funny, he managed to botch many of his lines and he’s the celebrity and acting equivalent of of oatmeal: he’s fine, but I’m not going to recognize him if he knocked on my front door.

And so it is completely unsurprising that Schreiber’s hosting job was overshadowed by a right-wing eyepatch-sporting congressman — MY right-wing eyepatch-sporting congressman. And yes, I have one or two thoughts about it. 

Jeff Sessions, the little racist goblin, was fired hours after the midterm elections, and Saturday Night Live (with a cameo by Robert De Niro as Robert Mueller) said their goodbyes to the evil possum, even if Trump couldn’t be fucked. I’m not sad to see Sessions go, just worried what it will mean both for the Mueller investigation and for Kate McKinnon whose political impersonations keep being killed off by the Trump administration.

Grade: B

I don’t know what this Liev Schreiber monologue was supposed to be, because if it was supposed to be funny, it failed spectacularly. I mean, what he said about the midterms and voting was … nice? But also … who cares? I am legitimately baffled by this whole thing.

Grade: C

Sometime last season, Saturday Night Live did a sketch very similar to this one in which a news broadcast accidentally puts the wrong information into a chyron which then makes the story take a much more perverted turn (it was about bestiality? I think? Does that ring any bells out there?). Here, twin brothers who have a program about investments, the Invest Twins, are accidentally identified as the Incest Twins, making everything they then say about their business sound filthy. It’s lowest common denominator humor, but it’s also kinda funny.

Grade: B+

TRUE FACT: the word “moist” is the worst.

Grade: A-

Kate McKinnon rolls out her Ms. Rafferty character again, this time to tell investigators about a humiliating encounter with a ghost. Here’s the thing: It’s just not that great a bit. The reason this bit worked the first time was because Ryan Gosling could not stop breaking which made the other actors in the scene break and as a result, the whole thing seemed funnier than it actually was. Schreiber, in contrast, is a professional and the whole thing just falls flat.

Grade: C

Future and Lil’ Wayne join Chris Redd, Kenan Thompson, and Pete Davidson in this rap song about big butts and consent and it is terrific. I worry that the show is starting to rely on a lot of these rap parodies, but here it works beautifully and might be the best thing in the episode.

Grade: A

Weekend Update tackles the midterm election with middling results. Che’s jokes about white women aren’t bad or incorrect, but thanks to his previously tasteless jokes about women in general, I just feel like he’s not the right person to deliver them.

Grade: A-

The White House intern is back and she is coming for Jost’s pencil.

Grade: A

I should have seen Crenshaw’s appearance to the Weekend Update desk coming a mile away. After Pete Davidson made fun of my new congressman Dan Crenshaw for wearing an eyepatch last week, people done lost their damn minds, and it was inevitable that there would be some sort of apology. And sure enough, Pete Davidson apologized on behalf of the show and Crenshaw joined him at the desk to take some shots at Davidson’s looks, get in an Ariana Grande dig, and then deliver a speech about veterans and respect on the eve of Veteran’s Day.

And I will grant that Crenshaw did a decent job delivering the jokes about Davidson that were written for him, and his comments about veterans and the acknowledgment that Davidson’s father died in 9/11 were all quite lovely. He is also unquestionably a war hero. I am grateful for his service and agree that he should not have been made fun of for that service.

But.

1. The outrage over a veteran being made fun of coming from the same people who voted for the man who mocked a prison of war, taunted Gold Star parents, and claimed he knew more about war than our generals even though he dodged the draft is cynical and rings hollow and I refuse to take it seriously.

2. I am nauseous that Saturday Night Live burnished this man’s image and made him a national name. The fawning over Crenshaw’s appearance on last night’s episode and the comments I’ve seen floating out there about how he’s not a Trump Republican and hopefully will be the face of a new, younger, and more appealing Republican party WILL NOT FLY WITH THIS PARTICULAR CONSTITUENT.

Let’s look at his actual positions. The following quotes are from his campaign website:

“As a country, we must place more value on LIFE. I believe that each life is created by God for a special, unique purpose, and that every life has inherent value. Being pro-life goes beyond politics. It is a foundational, moral position on the side of humanity.

We must stop late-term abortions in this country. I believe our country is on very shaky moral ground by allowing the abortion of a human being with ten fingers, ten toes, and heartbeat. This is not an attack on women, it is a question of our humanity. Not even far-left European countries like France allow abortions past 12 weeks, and yet we do?”

Frankly, I don’t give a flying fuck what you and your God think about my right to bodily autonomy, Dan. I care about science and being treated like an adult who can make her own medical decisions without the government and your religion getting all up in my lady business.

“Border security, border security, border security. Border security must come first, before we have any other conversation. Enough is enough, let’s enforce our laws. We should not only build the wall but also ramp up tech-savvy ways to secure our border, like drones and sensors. My background in national security makes me uniquely qualified to assess different proposals and find the right solution.

Furthermore, border security leads to better legal immigration laws. When we finally secure the border — a proposal that used to be bipartisan — we can then talk about next steps for immigration reform. America is still the shining city on the hill and we need good, legal immigrants with skills, a hard work ethic, and conservative values to come into this country. But they should do it legally, and we should welcome them. We should move to a merit based immigration system, so that we get the best of the best in our country.

Sanctuary cities are an affront to our law enforcement and national security. When illegal immigrants commit crimes, we should enforce both criminal law AND immigration law. Encouraging law enforcement agencies to cooperate with one another is common sense, and good policy.”

Never mind that law enforcement agencies in most big cities encourage sanctuary programs because when communities can trust they won’t be deported when they report crimes it helps keep people safer. And never mind that immigrants commit fewer crimes than the native-born population. BUT DON’T LET FACTS STOP YOU, DAN.

“I will always fight for 2nd Amendment rights. Democrats who don’t understand how guns even work continue to propose frivolous and ineffective gun-control legislation in Congress. We cannot allow the Leftists to set the terms of the gun rights debate in this country. Many states have borderline unconstitutional gun laws. We cannot allow this to happen in Texas. We must do a better job of enforcing current laws, especially background checks, so that guns stay out of the wrong hands. But I will never allow the government to prevent law-abiding citizens from defending themselves.”

As someone whose child just lost two of his friends to gun violence just last week, I offer a hearty fuck you, Dan Crenshaw.

“Our country is frighteningly close to violating our Constitution by allowing the left to shout down and shame anyone who disagrees with them. This is happening regularly on college campuses all over the country. From Berkeley to Boston, leftist agitators are trying to ‘enforce’ political correctness by shutting down speeches that they disagree with. Even some liberal commentators are finding this problematic and have called them out for their anti-American ways. College should be a place for the free and open exchange of ideas, not a place where groupthink and political correctness are enforced, and anti-conservative thugs reign supreme.

We need to encourage and inspire young conservatives to stand up to this leftist bullying. I do not back down from fights, and I am not about to back down from this one. The future of our country is at stake.”

THE IRONY IS PALPABLE.

Thanks to my hideously gerrymandered district, this man who believes in unfettered rights to guns and no abortions after 12 FUCKING WEEKS, is representing me in Congress (thank GOD for the Democratic takeover) so PARDON ME IF I CAN’T GET ON THIS CELEBRATORY BANDWAGON.

Grade: FUCK RIGHT THE FUCK OFF, DAN CRENSHAW.

This is six and a half minutes of jokes about podcasts. Pass.

Grade: C-

The joke about this sketch is that the couples on House Hunters usually have weirdly specific demands for the houses they are shopping for. I think. I don’t know. The sketch starts off OK, but then becomes too surreal for its own good.

Grade: B-

In this bit, a couple introduces another couple to their pre-teen sons — Beck Bennett and Kyle Mooney in their underwear for some reason. The boys wrestle and fight and their father has to turn the hose on them multiple times. I suspect that as the mother of two sons, I found this one funnier than it might have actually been.

Grade: B

In this sketch, Schreiber is a man posing as a reporter trying to interview women as they leave a restaurant bathroom. Just … why?

Grade: D

Final Grade: B-. Frankly, it should be lower. This was a Not Good episode, y’all.

Saturday Night Live airs at 10:30/11:30 p.m. Saturdays on NBC.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.