The Real Housewives of New York
August 1, 2018
The morning after the Worst Vacation Dinner Ever, everyone comes down to breakfast a little … tense. Sonja, Bethenny, and Ramona are, somehow, the first to the table, followed by The Countess who is still bent out of shape over Dorinda’s attack — which no one is even sure Dorinda will remember this morning — especially and particularly the part where Dorinda mocked the lack of her Countessdom. “IT’S A THING NOW. IT’S MY HASHTAG. AND ANYWAY, IS QUEEN LATIFAH A REAL QUEEN? IS LADY GAGA A REAL LADY?”
Dorinda arrives just as The Countess screams that everyone should just call her “Lu” (NEVER. I WILL NEVER CALL YOU “LU.”) and she is still mad that The Countess deigned to judge her when she has stood by The Countess through EVERYTHING. INCLUDING TOM THE CHEATER. TO WHOM DORINDA INTRODUCED THE COUNTESS, THEREBY SETTING INTO MOTION THAT WHOLE NIGHTMARE. WAIT.
Dorinda also claims that she has almost been arrested for The Countess …
… but unfortunately, no one elaborates. I NEED DETAILS, Y’ALL.
Bethenny urges Dorinda to not fight this one, that she’ll regret it, only to have Princess Carole urge Bethenny to stay out of it and everyone else’s business. And then Bethenny is all, “No, YOU’RE in everyone’s business.” Because that’s what level of discourse we have achieved this morning.
Dorinda stomps away from the table, and in an interview, explains that she is NOT regretful, and she could be A LOT meaner — and, in fact, she’s holding back. Fun fact: my mother is, like Dorinda, half-Italian, and even funner fact, I have heard my mother say THIS EXACT SAME THING right after having said something incredibly mean more times than I can even count. (I come by my own meanness honestly.) I don’t know if it’s culture or genes, but after Dorinda said this, in my notes I have written in all caps “SICILIAN.” And what I’m saying is that Dorinda would fit right in on Jersey.
Meanwhile, Bethenny begins whinging at Princess Carole about how it’s clear Her Royal Highness just isn’t that into her anymore, and the reason she knows is because Princess Carole won’t return any of her tweets. Her Royal Highness protests that she’s just busy and Bethenny is like, “AND I’M NOT?!” And Princess Carole’s point — I think — is that Bethenny keeps saying that Her Royal Highness has changed, but she hasn’t changed, just the amount of time she has available for Bethenny has changed. But Bethenny isn’t hearing it, so Princess Carole suggests that they cancel the boat trip they have planned for later that day.
YES, DO THAT.
But everyone protests that they want to go on the boat, so Princess Carole excuses herself from the table. Her Royal Highness finds Dorinda who is also having second thoughts about going on the boat trip and is thinking instead of just staying in town.
YES, GO WITH THAT.
Princess Carole encourages Dorinda to talk to The Countess privately, away from the group, because nothing is going to get resolved in front of an audience because no duh. And when Dorinda approaches The Countess, they hug! Yay! But the love does not last long, as both women are expecting an apology from the other.
The Countess marvels at how much anger Dorinda seems to have inside of her towards The Countess, and Dorinda tells The Countess that it hurt her to be judged by a woman who has been sober for fifteen seconds. If Dorinda said things that hurt The Countess’ feelings, she’s sorry but it’s because she was being defensive after The Countess was judging her after she had ONLY ONE DRINK.
In the end, The Countess “forgives” Dorinda (while promising in an interview that she’ll never forget), but offers no apologies of her own, because she didn’t judge Dorinda — except for the part where she totally did. They hug again, but this situation is hardly resolved.
Meanwhile, back at the table, Bethenny is continuing to lament the deterioration of her relationship with Princess Carole to whoever will sit still long enough to listen. Including Her Royal Highness herself who returns to the table without Bethenny knowing it. And while the whole scene is incredibly awkward, honestly, Bethenny doesn’t say anything about Princess Carole that she wouldn’t — and hasn’t — said to her face, which is basically what Bethenny says when she realizes Her Royal Highness is listening. Still, Princess Carole says that Bethenny has a 12-year-old victim mentality and that the whole “dynamic” is bad, while Bethenny compares the end of their friendship to a death of a family member.
Against better judgment, the women go on their boat trip to a private island. At first, it’s all fun and fabulous: the boat is lovely, there is pink champagne, ladies are dancing on the bow, there is an entire staff waiting for them on the private island with cocktails, you know, your typical Real Housewives over-indulgentness.
Once on the island, the ladies swim and drink and play with a dead crab.
It’s fun! Everyone is having fun.
Well, with the exception of Dorinda, whose hangover has clearly set in and the cold, horrible memory of what, exactly, she said to The Countess the night before appears to descend over her. Bethenny notices Dorinda’s self-isolation and encourages her to go make it nice with The Countess. For real, though.
So Dorinda once again approaches The Countess and tells her that she is heartbroken she hurt The Countess’ feelings. The Countess replies that she knows Dorinda feels bad, and that last night felt as bad as the day they let her out of jail, but that she forgives Dorinda. She does not apologize for making Dorinda feel judged, and, in fact, goes on to judge her in an interview by comparing Dorinda to her pre-sober self.
Boy howdy, if I didn’t know about The Countess’ legal troubles with her family, I’d suspect she put herself back in rehab just to avoid having to go to the reunion where Dorinda would be waiting for her …
The group sits down to lunch, and Tinsley makes some comment about the fact that Princess Carole is wearing a scarf under her hat, a look that Her Royal Highness says was inspired by her mother-in-law and fellow princess, Lee Radziwell. For whatever reason, this irritates Bethenny who grumbles, “shoot me,” which sends Princess Carole on a whole rant about how Bethenny cares more about clothes than any of the rest of them, which I can only assume will be a point of contention at the reunion? I don’t know.
After lunch, the ladies go for another swim, which is when they notice that the tags are still on Sonja’s bathing suit, for which she has a perfectly good explanation: she keeps the tags on all of her clothes because consignment stores will pay more for them that way.
NO ONE WANTS YOUR USED BATHING SUITS, SONJA, EXCEPT FOR PERVERTS, SO YOU’D PROBABLY MAKE MORE MONEY SELLING THEM ON EBAY THAN AT ANY CONSIGNMENT STORE, YOU WEIRDO.
There’s a weird interlude where Ramona judges Tinsley for not having a job and just wanting to be a wifey, and, listen, Singer, don’t be all sanctimonious, it’s a good gig if you can swing it.
The Countess then demands that Sonja come rehearse the rap version of “Money Can’t Buy You Class,” and forces the other women to “beatbox” for them because 2018 is taking no prisoners, y’all. Again — and I can’t stress this enough — the white race is CANCELLED.
Our unlikely hero from this living nightmare is the wind that creates choppy ocean conditions that require the women to leave the island. Immediately. Like, “too bad you can’t find your cell phone, The Countess, WE GOTS TO GO” immediately.
And the choppy ocean is no joke. Once on the boat, the women are screaming, Sonja is peeing the bathing suit that she had planned to sell (although, I’m telling you, lady, that will make it even more valuable over on eBay), Princess Carole is puking, Bethenny is holding Princess Carole’s hair while she is puking, Ramona is yelling that she can’t swim and eyeing the only lifevest on the vessel, Tinsley is insisting that this is all perfectly normal, sirens begin going off, someone screams that they smell smoke, the boat crew start running around with knives and yelling in Spanish and eventually the production crew has to shut off the cameras for their own safety.
FUN. SUCH FUN.
The aftermath is a big blur. We learn in the last five minutes of the episode that one of the problems on the boat was that the anchor dropped prematurely and the crew had to cut it away — hence the sirens, the smoke, the knives. But everyone made it to shore perfectly safely.
Once on land, all of the women save for Dorinda went out and danced the night away with the locals, and most everyone managed to get themselves a roaring case of diarrhea. While the women first blame their dinner, the evidence is that the fish lunch on the island was the actual culprit of the group’s squirts, as Dorinda — who also was brought down by the runs — didn’t join them for dinner and both Bethenny, who is allergic to fish, and Tinsley, who is allergic to behaving in any sort of adult fashion and therefore only ate the rice at lunch, are the only ones to not be taken down by intestinal distress.
In any event, between trips to the toilet, the women pack up their things and leave Cartegena thoroughly covered in their shit.
The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo on Wednesdays at 8/9 p.m.