‘The Real Housewives of Dallas’: Doggedly stupid

The Real Housewives of Dallas
“Haute Dogs of Dallas”
August 21, 2017

Things Cary begins the episode complaining about:

  1. Dr. Husband is a perfectionist
  2. Dr. Husband is bad at being alone
  3. Dr. Husband wants all of her attention and time
  4. Dr. Husband wants to expand his business
  5. Cary wants to hang out at home with her toddler

Speaking of motherhood, we learn that Kameron has hired The Single Best Spanish Tutor in All of Dallas to teach her children Spanish because “in Dallas academics are extremely important.” You know, unlike other places where academics are looked upon with outright scorn.

We also learn that her husband, the Hobbit, doesn’t want her to work outside the home, but instead be the “CEO of the house” — meaning that she doesn’t do any of the actual labor — and that she can’t roll her Rs. That last bit I am not going to make fun of because I can’t roll my Rs either. AND IT MADE TAKING SEVEN YEARS OF ESPAÑOL MUY DIFICIL, I WILL HAVE YOU KNOW.

As for Stephanie, she has hired a life coach to watch her cry, so there’s at least some self-awareness happening there. During their session, Stephanie mentions that she and Whathisbutt are shopping for a new home, one not in Plano closer to Dallas, as she spends TWO HOURS EVERY MORNING driving her kids to school. Oh hell no. Stephanie then explains that she this will be the first time that she has been involved in choosing the home she will live in because her husband has previously chosen the last three homes they have owned by himself. OH HELL NO.

Life Coach then moves on to the topic of Brandi, and Stephanie talks a little about running into her at Dr. Husband’s birthday party and how Brandi refused to talk to her. Life Coach encourages her to get Brandi to sit down and talk about what happened and Stephanie knows the perfect opportunity: a dog costume contest she and Brandi are judging together. Ah, the endless burden of celebrity.

Brandi, meanwhile, has lunch with Cary, with whom Brandi is a little peeved for taking her place as Stephanie’s best friend, WHICH IS STUPID SINCE BRANDI IS THE ONE WHO STARTED THIS DUMB FIGHT JUST BECAUSE SHE LACKS READING COMPREHENSION SKILLS. Anyway, Cary invites Brandi to come to some sort of mannequin dressing contest that Dr. Husband is participating in and Brandi is all, “You’re joking, right?”

Brandi then asks about Cary meeting with Leeanne and then telling Stephanie that Leeanne is “up to her old carny tricks” which Cary denies having said, and is now pissed that Stephanie said that she said it. Brandi takes Cary’s word because she’s soooo pissed at Stephanie.

james comey lordy i hope there are tapes

Over in D’Andra’s world, she tours her family’s cosmetics lab and explains that she wants to add new products and update the brand, but her mom is a controlling bitch who won’t let her.

scream queens pouting chanel

Later, Momma Dee stops by D’Andra’s house to talk a little business and D’Andra suggests that instead of just selling their products on Christian TV — BECAUSE OF COURSE THEY SELL THEIR SNAKE OIL ON CHRISTIAN TV, OF COURSE THEY DO — that maybe they should spend a little cash money on actual marketing.

Momma Dee: “No.”


scream queens pouting chanel

Stephanie and Whosit go look at a house that is up for auction in Turtle Creek and it is … something. Smart toilets, overwrought chandeliers, steam rooms and bathroom lounges, and a motherfucking pool in the living room — it is, as the real estate agent keeps insisting, “a house for the rich and famous.”

money can't buy you class the countess rhony rela housewives of new york

To Stephanie’s credit, she thinks it’s all a bit much, and as a mother, takes one look at the POOL in the LIVING ROOM and is like, “are you insane? We have two small children who will immediately try to drown themselves in this!” and insists that Whatshisname not put an offer on the house before they discuss it together.

So of course, Whosaface places a bid on the house without discussing it with Stephanie and his offer wins. Super marriage, doing marriage A+++ great!

And while we’re on the subject: Kameron and her family pack for a family vacation to Cabo. It’s not interesting, and mostly involves Kameron bribing her kids to fill their suitcases with toys while being pretty sure that she’s just invented parenting. Hobbit comes home and Kameron mentions that she is going to miss this dog costume contest while in Cabo, which is a shame because what better place to ask people what they think of pink dog food, right? Hobbit is like, “stop trying to make pink dog food happen. It’s not going to happen!”

So, Dr. Husband’s costume contest: it’s held at the Dallas outpost of Tootsie’s, a Houston-based fancy-pants store, and Dr. Husband along with five other men, have been tasked to dress a pair of mannequins. I don’t know, IT’S REALLY WEIRD.

He doesn’t win.

Later, Cary confronts Stephanie about the fact that she texted Brandi saying that Cary told her that Leeanne was up to her old tricks, and Stephanie feels terrible that she dragged Cary into the middle of it, which, OK, fine, except that maybe there is a black and white clip where Cary tells Stephanie that she met with Leeanne and she is worried that Leeanne is trying to make trouble for Stephanie and Brandi? Did I hallucinate that? Did I just make that entire scene up?

Finally, the dog costume contest. Leeanne and her dog wear matching hot dog costumes because get it? Wait, I can explain because it’s a pretty complicated joke …

Everyone arrives at the children’s park where this dog costume contest is being held and, as a Texan, let me explain something to you about October in Texas: it’s hot. It’s really fucking hot. No dog wants to wear a costume, ever, but in Texas in October it might actually be animal cruelty to make a dog wear a goddamn costume and/or wig.

Right away, Brandi and Stephanie are put to work judging the costume contest, so there is not much time for conversation or hashing anything out.

But once the judging is done, everyone sits down at a park table and agree that it’s time to talk face-to-face. And that’s when Leeanne starts shrieking at Stephanie for sending the text about her to Brandi because obviously, this is all about Leeanne Locken. Stephanie tells Leeanne that she is scary and manipulative, but Leeanne invites her to “look into the mirror, bitch.” While wearing a weiner costume. Perfection.

These two scream at each other for a while until Stephanie is all, “OK, I AM SORRY, CAN I PLEASE TALK TO BRANDI NOW SINCE THAT IS THE REAL PROBLEM AT HAND?” Stephanie and Brandi then sniffle at each other that they haven’t seen each other in forever and this feud  — WHATEVER THE HELL IT IS ABOUT — is hurting their husbands and children and can’t they JUST TALK ABOUT IT ALREADY?

Seriously: this is the single stupidest misunderstanding I’ve ever seen.

The Real Housewives of Dallas returns on Bravo on August 15, 2018.

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