‘The Real Housewives of New York City’: Tinsley’s eggistential crisis

The Real Housewives of New York
“Faux Weddings and a Funeral”
June 13, 2018

We begin the episode with the sad news that Jill Zarin’s husband, Bobby, has passed away after a prolonged illness. Ramona, Dorinda, and Bethenny all attend the funeral, even though Bethenny hadn’t spoken to Jill in over six years.

So, the thing. The thing is I didn’t start watching The Real Housewives of New York until season four, which was the first season without Bethenny, so I have no idea what the hell happened between Bethenny and Jill? They were friends, but then they weren’t? And it seems like everyone is in agreement that it was Jill’s fault? The point is, it’s apparently a big deal that Bethenny attended the funeral and Jill seems touched to see her there, the end.

The Countess, who was still in rehab during the funeral, assures us that she visited Bobby in the hospice before she went to Florida to get herself arrested for the holidays. On a call with Bethenny after the funeral, the two women cry about Bobby and The Countess spending New Year’s Eve in treatment all by herself and not being able to be at the funeral for Jill because she got trashed and fought with the cops. It’s all very pitiful.

So: Bethenny, Dorinda, and Ramona attended the funeral; The Countess was in rehab; Princess Carole and Tinsley don’t know Jill Zarin; and then there’s Sonja. Sonja was on the show for three seasons with Jill, and, in fact, was the person who alerted Bethenny that Bobby had died, so where was she during the funeral?

Ryan_Gosling what?

Later, we visit Ramona’s Hamptons house which is being completely remodeled. It’s very interesting if you find construction very interesting.

Back in Manhattan, Tinsley and Her Royal Caroleness take advantage of the steam room in Tinsley’s hotel where they chat about Sonja staying with Tinsley for that one night or however long, Princess Poland and Bethenny “making up” and “hugging it out” because Her Royal Exhaustedness just couldn’t take it anymore, and Tinsley’s mother coming to visit because she wants to shop for engagement rings that Tinsley’s boyfriend is not in any way ready to present to her yet.

Later, Momma Tinsley arrives directly from the set of Southern Charm, and they head down to the hotel bar for some much-needed red wine. Momma Tinsley notes that she didn’t have anything to drink on the plane — unlike Tinsley. And Tinsley’s like, “The hell?” Momma Tinsley then begins giving Tinlsey shit for drinking too much last year and Tinsley is like, “YEAH WELL I WAS GOING THROUGH SOME SHIT, YOU TRY LIVING WITH SONJA MORGAN WHILE SOBER.”

Momma Tinsley then gives Tinsley the bill for the egg storage facility that Momma Tinsley forced Tinsley to use, a bill which is arriving at her house instead of Tinsley’s for some reason? and urges her daughter to pay it, lest they turn off the freezer. Then, fully on a roll now, Momma Tinsley confesses to Tinsley that during the holidays when their family took Scott on some boat trip, the discussion of babies came up. One of Tinsley’s aunts told Scott that Tinsley had plenty of time to worry about that, and Momma Tinsley countered, “Well, she doesn’t,” before telling Scott that if he thinks things aren’t going to work with Tinsley, he needs to “jump ship.” AND ISN’T THAT THE FUNNIEST THING BECAUSE THEY WERE ON A BOAT AT THE TIME SHE SAID THAT.

Tinsley processing the fact that her mother was pressuring her boyfriend about babies:

internally screaming tinsley rhony real housewives of new york

BECAUSE, HEY, MOM, TINSLEY AND SCOTT JUST GOT BACK TOGETHER FIVE MINUTES AGO, MAYBE GIVE THE GUY A LITTLE BREATHING ROOM BEFORE YOU GO DOWN TO BABIES R US AND START A REGISTRY.

I say that, but then two seconds later when her mother suggests that they go wedding dress shopping FOR A WEDDING THAT ISN’T HAPPENING, Tinsley is all, “Ooooh! Yes! Let’s do that! Because that’s not insane at all!”

And sure enough, the next day these two lunatics go to a bridal store to play “Say Yes to the Dress.” As Tinsley tries on enormous poofy monstrosities that are maybe not the most appropriate choice for a woman in her forties MUCH LESS SOMEONE WHO IS NOT ACTUALLY GETTING MARRIED, the shop guy pulls out a veil to complete her look, and Tinsley starts yammering about how this is starting to “feel real.”

girl really

Then, while still wearing one of these wedding dresses, Tinsley decides to call the egg doctor and pay her bill. He, in turn, shows her a photograph of her seven frozen eggs, causing Tinsley and Momma Tinsley to burst into tears over her “BABIES.”

get a grip girl latrice rupaul drag race

Elsewhere, Princess Wordsmith is late with her Cosmo article.

sansa-dont-care

HOWEVER, I do care about her hideous high-waisted jeans whose legs appear to be a series of cuffs going all the way up? What the actual fuck is this abomination?

THIS IS A CRIME. ARREST EVERYONE INVOLVED.

Over at Grey Gardens, Sonja visits with Bethenny who has brought her a pair of bedazzled Skinny Girl Jeans because I don’t know if you guys have heard or not, but Bethenny is now in the jeans business. They also briefly discuss Sonja’s new shoe line, French Sole, because that’s a thing Sonja is now doing.

Bethenny tells Sonja about taking her daughter to go visit Jill as she sat shiva for Bobby, and at least according to Bethenny, Jill admitted that she was wrong in whatever went down between the two of them. I’m sure someone out there can illuminate me.

And then Sonja shows Bethenny all the work she’s had done on the house in preparation to rent it, and Bethenny yells at her for having a fax machine — BUT HERE’S THE THING! Yes, most civilized people no longer use fax machines and haven’t since 2003, but every once in a while, you run into someone who will ONLY fax you documents and then what do you do? My kids’ pediatrician’s office, for instance, seems to believe that it is still 1997, and REFUSES to email any documents, insisting that they fax them only, and so then it is a whole thing where I have to have the documents faxed to my husband’s office, but because NO ONE FAXES ANYMORE the faxes go to their Washington D.C. office, not the Houston office, and I have to have someone in Houston call D.C. and ask them to forward the fax on to them, and what I am saying is BURN ALL THE FAX MACHINES, THE INTERNET IS YOUR FRIEND, FRIENDS.

Later, all the women — but for The Countess for obvious reasons — go to a gym called Conbody which is run by actual ex-cons and is designed to look like a prison yard, and comes complete with mug shots. Sure hope The Countess has a sense of humor about her arrest when she gets back!

They mention to the trainers that they had a friend who recently went to jail, and the trainers ask if she’s “darker.” “On Halloween,” Bethenny replies.

snow white high five snl

And then there is some disagreement about how to handle The Countess’s sobriety when she returns: do they abstain when they are with her or can they still get loaded in her presence? And I think we all know what the answer to that will be. This show without alcohol is like this show without petty fighting or oblivious privilege.

The episode ends with The Countess leaving rehab and driving to the airport to return home. On the way she calls Dorinda, and opens up about how she hasn’t had the best couple of years and maybe she shouldn’t have gone to Florida over the holidays and she can’t believe the things that she did, but she’s hit rock bottom and now she dealing with it and she’s intent on changing her life for the better and it will be interesting to “take a break” from alcohol — which is not the same thing as giving it up altogether because you realize that you’re an alcoholic, but one step at a time! I guess!

The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo on Wednesdays at 8/9 p.m.

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