The Real Housewives of New York
July 26, 2017
Following the previous night’s screaming, crying and collapsing in the shrubbery, the ladies are positively spritely the next morning, The Countess even managing to do some early yoga, despite her blood alcohol surely still lingering in the .07-.08 range. She is as surprised as anyone that she managed to escape the previous night’s frivolities without a single scratch: it’s a Santo Jose Cuervo milagro!
While the women are enjoying their huevos rancheros, two enormous floral arrangements are delivered to Tinsley from that Scott guy, “for the best and longest first date ever.” Indeed. While most of the women are impressed by this gesture, Sonja purses her lips and complains to Ramona about how everyone “enabled” Tinsley’s “childish” behavior the night before,. You know, when she got upset because she had learned that her “friend” had smeared her in Page 6. What a dumb baby.
Bethenny organizes a group to go surfing, and on her way out tells Ramona that the Tequila trip is scheduled for the following day, and Ramona is still not invited. She is expected to stay at the palacio by herself and BE COOL. Ramona shrugs that by the end of the day, Bethenny might change her mind, and Bethenny is like, “YEAH, NO.” Bethenny then reminds Ramona that she said some shitty things about Bethenny’s business, adding that Ramona doesn’t like her.
To be fair to Ramona, I feel that way about most people.
Then Bethenny, The Countess, Dorinda, and Princess Carole go surfing. It’s boring.
At the house, Tinsley asks to speak to Sonja without Ramona’s helpful input, and explains that she is upset with Sonja for not immediately calling Page 6 and telling them that this story they were planning to run about Tinsley being a terrible houseguest is completely untrue. Sonja, however, feels this whole thing is ridiculous and that Tinsley is overreacting and she simply doesn’t understand why Tinsley is so upset with her about this. “BECAUSE,” Tinsley explains, “THE ENTIRE REASON THIS STORY IS BEING PUBLISHED IS BECAUSE SONJA WON’T STOP TELLING EVERYONE SHE MEETS THAT TINSLEY IS A SHITTY HOUSEGUEST.” Even if Sonja wasn’t the source for the Page 6 story — which come. on. — she put the story out into the universe, and it had to have been one of her friends who shared it. “WELCOME TO MY FRIEND GROUP,” Sonja yells back, because what does Tinsley expect, for Sonja’s friends to not be backstabbing gossip-mongers?
Bethenny and the surf crew return to the house, get cleaned up, and then everyone heads into Bucerias for a little shopping. There, when Bethenny finds a lovely embroidered dress that she wants to buy, but her credit card is blocked, Ramona buys it for her. Ramona then also buys Bethenny a purse, but tries to cover up her true purpose by also buying purses for herself, The Countess, Sonja, Her Highness and Tinsley — everyone but, hilariously, Dorinda.
And damned if it doesn’t work, because when the women return to the house, Bethenny tasks Sonja with telling Ramona that she can come on the Tequila trip after all. Sonja begins to psychoanalyze Ramona, explaining that she’s secretly very unhappy since her divorce from Mario. Meanwhile, Ramona — who just had her hair blown out — decides to go for an unexpected jog on the beach while Bethenny, Princess Poland and Sonja watch disbelievingly.
When Ramona returns from her inexplicable run, Sonja shares with her the good news about Bethenny changing her mind. Ramona insists that she never meant to hurt Bethenny’s feelings, before saying that “it doesn’t matter if what I said was good or bad … it hurt her.” And good for Ramona for acknowledging that she hurt Bethenny’s feelings, but OH MY GOD, RAMONA, IN NO POSSIBLE WAY COULD WHAT YOU SAID TO HER BE CONSIDERED “GOOD.”
That evening, the women go into town for dinner, where Tinsley discovers that the Page 6 story has been published and that it name checks Ramona. Sonja sniffs that the whole thing is being blown out of proportion and Tinsley is just having a tantrum — no one said she was a bad houseguest. “YOU DID. YOU SAID IT. COUNTLESS TIMES. IT’S ALL YOU EVER SAY,” everyone at the table shrieks at Sonja. But Sonja insists that Tinsley is “happy as a lark” and that someone doesn’t stay in a situation for five months if they aren’t happy. WHICH IS NOT THE ISSUE AT HAND.
Bethenny declares herself tired of this endless circle jerk, prompting Her Highness to give a very explicit definition of what a circle jerk is to Sonja, whom we are expected to believe didn’t know before now.
Dorinda then passes out gag gifts she bought for everyone: an apron with giant cartoon boobs for Ramona; a pack of “No One Cares” pills for Sonja; and an “I’m Married” mug for The Countess which is considerably more hilarious now than it was at the original time Dorinda gifted it.
Back at the house, Bethenny goes over the rules for their trip the next day: the women must wear pants and closed-toed shoes, and not be showing up looking like Dorit at a horse show.
Bethenny also tearfully begs Ramona to NOT ACT LIKE AN ASSHOLE, and Ramona promises that she’ll try.
The next day, the women load up in helicopters and this happens. Deliberately.
I could watch video of Ramona walking around with a scarf wrapped around her face for days.
So, they load up in a pair of helicopters and fly to Tequila, Bethenny in tears the entire time because ??? her divorce? her success? her making up with Ramona? all of the above? It’s very unclear.
The ladies are greeted in Tequila with margaritas and a bunch of dancers in Mayan gear who bang on bongos and blow shell horns and light fires and dance around and it’s all very mini-Xcaret.
An agave plant is chopped up for them before they are loaded onto a trolley and driven into the town to visit the distillery. On the ride over, Ramona yammers about getting Skinny Girl tattoos while Dorinda suggests in an interview that Ramona should just pull Bethenny’s pants down, kiss her ass and get it over with already.
At the distillery, the women are given bullhorns out of which they drink 130 proof tequila, although Princess Sereness and The Countess contemplate other uses for the horns, namely to be used as buttplugs. Royal buttplugs.
The women are then taken to lunch, where they are greeted by tiny caballeros, roses and dancing horses. They are also given at least 8 different tequilas to taste, and to their credit, no one ends up in a bush. Eventually, their hosts are like, “ALRIGHT, EVERYONE HAS TO GET IN THE HELICOPTER AND GO HOME NOW, DRUNKIES,” because just imagine how tiresome this crowd would be after 10 rounds of tequila.
The women return to the palacio where Dorinda attempts to kill herself on a rope swing, Bethenny dances on a table, and Sonja begins furiously molesting The Countess.
Ramona, meanwhile, begins opening up about the end of her marriage, that she knew something was wrong the day Mario left his wedding ring on the nightstand while playing tennis. Sonja, who (supposedly) hadn’t had a drink for 10 months before today’s field trip, decides that she has something to add to this conversation, and begins loudly sharing her thoughts on Ramona’s former sex life, her emotional state and demanding that Ramona say she’s not as happy as she claims.
Ramona, however, disagrees.
To be continued, darlings.
The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo on Wednesdays at 8/9 p.m. and is fucking happy, bitch.