‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’: Look who’s talking

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“Bad Guys”
January 2, 2018

We begin this episode with Dorit organizing the shelf on her closet where she keeps her 57 pairs of sunglasses, which is a lot of sunglasses, but let me ask you this, lady, how many of those sunglasses cost:


Dorit’s terrible husband P.K. interrupts this very important chore by asking her about the trip to Las Vegas. Dorit tells him that it was fine, she and Erika really got along and even Rinna was well-behaved. About Rinna, P.K. wonders if Dorit wants to invite her to her birthday dinner, and she’s like, “sure, why not, what’s the worst that could happen aside from Rinna claiming that we handed out heroin as party favors and CPS comes and takes our children away?”

Elsewhere, Kyle’s house is under renovation, so she, Mauricio, and their 17 daughters flee to a yacht in the Mediterranean, the end.

Teddi and Rinna meet for lunch where they bond over how much preschool costs in L.A. these days ($35,000, or a pair of sunglasses plus change); how Rinna’s daughters didn’t learn to read, so it’s for the best that they became models; fancyass insufferable Beverly Hills moms; and horses. In fact, Teddi is going to be jumping horses later that week, and Rinna is welcome to come watch: just be sure to wear closed-toed shoes.

Dorit’s birthday party is hosted at Villa Blanca, where, ironically everyone wears all black. Rinna and P.K. see each other for the first time since the reunion and everyone makes nicetime but its super tense.

After dinner is served, P.K. brings out Dorit’s present: their son Jagger in a tiny all-white tuxedo, holding some mylar balloons. “Aww, great, now where’s the real present?” Dorit does not say, instead showing us later in an interview the $15,000 handbag P.K. actually gave her. As Jagger sits down with his mother, Erika and Rinna say hello to him, and in return, he calls them “bad guys,” in a completely spontaneous and not-coached-at-all-why-would-you-even-say-that moment. Dorit swears that Jagger is just in a superhero phase, but the other women are like, “Whatever. We’ll wear it as a badge of honor.”

Also, everyone meets Teddi’s husband, Jawline, who does something something security something automation? Who cares. More interesting, we learn that he used to be a background dancer and had “pencil thin” eyebrows.

I have many questions:

  1. Who did Jawline dance for?
  2. Was it Britney Spears?
  3. Did Britney Spears make him pluck his eyebrows?
  4. Did Britney Spears pluck his eyebrows herself?
  5. Can he put me in touch with Britney Spears because I have A LOT of questions for her, mostly about Kevin Federline and Chaotic?

Jawline tries to make conversation with Erika, noting that his wife tells him that she’s a singer, and Erika corrects him: a “performer.” Because even Erika knows perfectly well that what she does isn’t singing.

This, somehow, leads to tension between Teddi and Erika, and Teddi announces that she needs to talk to Erika about something that happened in Las Vegas. That time? When Teddi was talking about having John Cougar Mellencamp as a father? And Erika said that we aren’t defined by our parents? That made Teddi feel like she was being dismissed. Erika is like, “First of all, I don’t remember saying that because if you’ll remember, shortly beforeĀ I said that, I had been molesting the ice peen from my vodka sodas, but second of all, it’s true? Aren’t you your own person separate and independent from your parents? and that’s not a mean thing to say? especially about someone who has grown up in a celebrity’s shadow? I’m sorry? I guess?”

And then Vanderpump encourages Rinna to make a toast to Dorit, because that shit’s hilarious.

Later, Erika hashes out her daddy issues — the ones that she insists she does not have — her mother and the ghostwriter of her book.

It seems Teddi also invited Vanderpump and Dorit to watch her ride a horse around in a circle, and the three women meet at Vanderpump’s swan shit-covered PINK HOUSE to ride out to the event together. While Rinna and Vanderpump listened to Teddi’s closed-toed shoe instructions, Dorit put on some open-toed heels, a sundress and a floppy hat, clearly believing that she was headed to the polo scene in Pretty Woman. Not only that, but she gives the other two women shit for the way they’re dressed because that’s what kind of straight-up asshole Dorit is.

The women get on a party bus, even though there are only three of them, and we learn on the ride that Vanderpump is only three years older than Rinna, and was born in 1960. And I honestly cannot decide if she looks TERRIFIC for 57 or terrible. I think she’d look terrific for 70 but dreadful for 50, so I’m somewhere in between here.

Then there’s a bunch of crap with Teddi getting ready with the horse and we learn some BREAKING NEWS: Horses be expensive.

The women arrive at the horse place (technical term), and to Dorrit’s horror, there are no VIP sections, it’s just dirt and horseshit and exactly not a place for heels, open- or closed-toed. After much kvetching from Dorit, the women sit on a log and watch Teddi ride her horse around in a circle and jump over some fences. And some judges somehow determine that Teddi did the very best job of riding her horse around in a circle and jumping over some fences, so she wins first prize, the end.

Sometime later, Dorit and her terrible husband P.K. invite Teddi and the Jawline over for dinner, mostly as an excuse for Dorit to show off her new $950 a plate china. On the way over to Dorit’s house, Teddi and the Jawline decide they need to bring something nicer than the $30 bottle of wine they have, and pick up a bottle of pink champagne. Once they arrive, the champagne puts Dorit in a dither, and she insists on getting champagne flutes because she is “VERY particular about glasses.” I have a feeling this will become relevant somewhere down the line, considering that there was a similar scene in Vegas when she turned her nose up at the idea of a vodka cocktail in a champagne flute.

Over their drinks, the couples discuss parenthood and Teddi’s difficult pregnancies. Apparently, Teddi had to use IVF to become pregnant, and for their second child, they were determined to have a son. They had difficulty conceiving but eventually were successful. However, immediately after the baby was born, he stopped breathing, and they discovered that he has a heart defect. Teddi worries that it’s a punishment of sorts for not allowing God to choose what her baby would be and she still feels guilty.

In response, P.K. tells them about his own horrifying birth story: his first son with his first wife came out with a conehead. P.K. still hasn’t quite recovered from the trauma.

So, dinner. The couples sit down to eat Dorit’s “Moroccan Dish,” and P.K. launches into a rant about Rinna. “She came to our house and it was so nice and she had a nice time and then the next thing you know she’s attacking Dorit and me.” Dorit adds that P.K. thinks Rinna is schizophrenic, and Teddi is like, “I mean, first of all, unless you’re a medical doctor, that’s a loaded thing to throw around, but second of all, I thought you forgave Rinna? So it doesn’t make sense that you’ve invited me over to your house just to try to poison me against her?”

Except all of this is said in an interview and not out loud, because we aren’t quite at the throwing wine stage of the season yet.

Let that age, D’Fwan, and make sure you have proper throwing glasses on hand.

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The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo on Tuesdays at 8/9 p.m.

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