The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
March 6, 2018
We begin the episode, inexplicably, in a lingerie store, where Lisa Rinna and Camille parade around in sheer teddies. Wait, maybe that is the explanation for it: Rinna decided she wanted to parade around in a sheer teddy, so she took Camille to a lingerie store.
And look, they are both beautiful and are in fantastic shape, and I would say that if I looked that good, I would also not just prance around in a lingerie store outside of the dressing room but also, too, have a crew film it for a nationally-broadcast series, but that is a lie, there is no way I would do this even if I had the body of a 20-year-old Camille Grammer, I am embarrassed just watching the two of them do this.
Oh, and there’s lots of talk about how Camille is a cancer survivor, and how she had her cervix and half of her vagina removed right here in Houston, leaving her with “the vagina of a 16-year-old” — which, just, no, gross — which helps set up the event that she hosts later in the episode, a fundraiser for women’s cancers.
But mostly they filmed this scene so they could prance around in revealing lingerie because they are both shameless exhibitionists in desperate need of affirmation. (Though, to be completely fair, this is true of anyone who appears on any of these shows.)
Elsewhere, Kyle and Erika meet for
exposition lunch to discuss Kyle’s next TV show, how she’s still annoyed with Dorit, and Lisa Vanderpump’s upcoming VanderBirthday. They consider gifting her a VanderFlamingo, and honestly, it’s not a terrible idea.
Over at the house of Kemsley, Dorit discovers that while she was in New York City, that shitbird husband of hers made some changes to her swimwear line: namely the number of items in the collection, its price point, and its name. Other than that, he completely respects his wife’s vision, process, and talent.
Also, “Beverly Beach” is the terriblest and most obvious lazy name for a swimwear line by a Beverly Hills Housewife.
So, that cancer fundraiser that Camille is hosting, it has something to do with really expensive perfumes? Like, there are all these egg-shaped perfume bottles everywhere that look more like a tchotchke your grandmother would own and not perfume? And they cost hundreds and hundreds of dollars? But only one of them raises money for Camille’s cancer charity? It’s confusing.
The women arrive, and Dorit makes a beeline for Lisa Vanderpump, squeaking in a baby voice that she misses her and smothering her with her annoying. Later, Dorit fetches a cocktail and asks Erika if she really talks a bunch of shit when she’s had a drink.
The entire group of women then try to make small talk, but when Dorit pronounces her difficulties with Vanderpump fully resolved, and Lisa raises one VanderEyebrow, Dorit begins loudly proclaiming that really this is all Teddi’s fault for twisting information that made the situation sound much, much worse than it actually was. Teddi is all, “NOT TODAY, SATAN,” and walks away.
Later, Camille makes a nice toast, dedicating the evening to her mother who is also a cancer survivor and who, at the time, was back in the hospital. The women then push some salad around on their plates, until Lisa decides she has been there for a polite-enough amount of time and stands up to leave. Dorit insists on walking her out, wanting to make sure she and Lisa are in a good VanderPlace.
Lisa explains to Dorit that she’s still fairly VanderHurt by the things that Dorit said about her being needy, and Dorit begins trying to blame Teddi again, to which Lisa is like, VanderNUH-UH, before reminding Dorit that what she said about her was hardly a VanderCompliment. Dorit, thinking that she’s cute but actually acting like a huge creep, then climbs on Lisa’s VanderLap and pins her down on the couch where she demands that Lisa assures her that their relationship is alright. So Lisa VanderSays whatever it takes to get this shrill monster off of her and flees into the night.
We then are “treated” to an interlude where Teddi takes a client for the Martin Lawrence special (sweatsuits made of aluminum foil + extreme heat = OH HELL NO). And Erika is introduced to the avatar based on her that is being added to the Kim Kardashian game. This makes her cry. For some reason.
Lisa Vanderpump’s 98th birthday party. Being VanderCheeky, Lisa instructs one of the waiters to only serve Dorit her drink in a particular tumbler, regardless of what she asks to drink because hahahaha, Christ, Dorit sure is an asshole. And then Teddi and Mr. Teddi arrive, as well as P.K. and Dorit who is served her champagne in a giant green tumbler and everyone has a laugh.
Camille and Erika arrive, and they promptly get started on the present portion of the afternoon because Rinna is ill, having caught a nasty cold after prancing around naked in public, and Kyle is at a thing, I don’t know.
Teddi gives Lisa a fluffy pink bareback pad — which I found confusing because the point of riding bareback is that the horse’s back is … bare? But I don’t know from horses, so. Dorit gives Lisa a bracelet that she says “has the eclipse in it” which, what the fuck does that even mean? But it doesn’t much matter because Lisa VandeReplies that it’s like their relationship … which has been in the shade for a while.
Camille, in turn, gives Lisa the sexy bunny mask she’s wearing in the first gif above, and then is like, “BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE!” She then gives Dorit a gift, too: a ball gag. Dorit is all pouty and insulted, and when Kyle finally arrives, Camille is explaining that the ball gag is meant to be funny, not offensive, like I DON’T KNOW, JOKING THAT CAMILLE SHOULD HAVE HER OWN LINE OF STRAP-ONS BECAUSE SHE HAD A HYSTERECTOMY? Dorit protests that was just a joke, and everyone is like, “YA, AND SO IS THE BALL GAG.” Particularly and especially Erika, who promises that if Dorit doesn’t laugh this off, she will crucify her.
Grandpa Ken then gives Lisa his gift: a pair of $75,000 Cartier VanderEarrings because these people are ridiculous. Lisa removes the earrings she’s wearing to put in the new, better earrings, and hands the old earrings to Dorit, who makes a joke about keeping them, to which Lisa VanderCracks that two weeks ago she would have been able to keep them in a second.
With that, DORIT HAS IT and announces that she thinks they have celebrated QUITE ENOUGH. And though she is convinced to stay until after the cake is served (the cake which appears to have a doll shoved in it like one of those magical supermarket cakes I lusted after when I was 6) …
… moments later she is stomping through PINK HOUSE, screaming insincere thank yous at the Vanderpumps.
Finally, remember how Lisa Vanderpump used Dorit as a model for the advertorial of her jewelry line in that bullshit magazine she is “editing?” And remember how Dorit was a right cow about the whole thing, bitching about how they weren’t using her hair and makeup people and how she hated the photos that were taken? YEAH, WELL LISA VANDEREMEMBERS TOO, and this petty bitch has the team reshoot the advertorial with a new model because YOU HAD BEST NOT STEP TO THE VANDERQUEEN.
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo on Tuesdays at 8/9 p.m. and thinks a ball gag is hilarious.