The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
January 9, 2018
We’ll start in Tokyo where Lisa Rinna is headed to meet her daughters for some modeling gigs. Though she’s their “chaperone,” she flies to Japan alone and meets her daughters at the airport, where they are … modeling? They’re doing airport modeling? Is this a thing? Rinna, proudly watching her daughters airport model, narrates that she often asks herself, “What would Kris Jenner do?”
My sister and I have a running gag where we try to come up with statements that if we said them out loud, the other person has automatic permission to file a 5150 (otherwise known as an involuntary psychiatric hold) on them. I’m letting it be known now that if I ever say in seriousness, “What would Kris Jenner do?” all of you hereby have my permission to file a 5150 on me.
Joining Rinna and the Rinnettes in Tokyo is Erika, which is appropriate as she is thisclose of being an actual anime character. Erika and Rinna catch a fleeting glimpse of the girls at some store opening before the Rinnettes are whisked off into an anonymous van and disappear into the night. Terrific chaperoning, ladies.
The next day, Erika and Rinna take a walk around in a park and chat about Teddi’s horse show, and how Rinna and Dorit got along just fine. Erika waxes philosophic that Rinna is changing because her daughters are growing up and she wants to be a role model for them. OR, ALTERNATIVELY, Rinna watched last season, realized that she acted like an asshole and decided that she wasn’t going to make it easy for the editors to do that to her again. You know, one or the other.
Later, Erika dons her Tokyo pink wig, some thigh high boots, and a tiny geisha robe and she and Rinna go to a traditional restaurant where they are entertained by actual geishas and sneer at the food they are served. So, a little cultural appropriation only to gag at the actual culture, she said with absolute love for her dear Erika Jayne.
Erika and Rinna then meet the Rinnettes for dinner where they talk about shooting for Vogue Taiwan, eating weird Japanese food, some YouTube celebrity who eats food — that’s it, she just eats food, and how the Rinnettes learned how to give blow jobs by reading their mother’s book. You know, normal mother-daughter stuff.
Back in Beverly Hills, Vanderpump has Teddi, Dorit, and Kyle over for lunch and to show off her living VanderMenagerie. Teddi is duly impressed, but not so impressed that she’s willing to sleep with Grandpa Ken for it. In keeping with her whole, “I’M NOT MATERIALISTIC AND SHALLOW LIKE THE REST OF YOU EMPTY SHELLS” theme, we also learn that Teddi’s husband Jawline has the larger closet in their house — she was willing to give it to him in exchange for buying the house, because that’s how few shits she gives about clothes and shoes.
Dorit and Kyle arrive soon after, and over lunch they discuss Kyle’s yacht trip and the renovations to her house — one of which is moving her swimming pool just because that’s how much money they have: move swimming pool money. But before the swimming pool is dug up and dragged across the yard, Kyle wants everyone to come over and eat dinner in her floorless house.
For eyelash-related reasons (too dumb to explain), the debate of who is meaner, Kyle or Vanderpump, begins, and Vanderpump insists that Kyle holds her to a higher Vanderstandard than Rinna. Teddi asks if the women think that Rinna knows she’s the topic of every conversation, and the rest of the women are like, “BITCH KNOWS WHAT SHE DID DONE.”
Later, Teddi and her family take a boring hike in the boring hills.
Someone thought they would be very clever and eke out some free publicity for their dumb local magazine that is only found in hotel rooms and nail salons by making Lisa Vanderpump “editor-in-VanderChief.” (It also doesn’t hurt that she happens to be an advertiser.) So Vanderpump hosts an “editorial meeting” for Beverly Hills Something or Other it Doesn’t Really Matter, consisting of herself, a gay gnome and the woman who actually does all the editorial heavy-lifting. They discuss an upcoming jewelry fashion shoot, and Vanderpump announces that she wants Dorit to be the hand model because she has giant fake boobs.
Sometime later, Dorit shows up at PINK HOUSE for the photo shoot and spends the entire time bitching loudly because she wasn’t able to bring her own glam squad, and is dependent on the magazine’s rank amateurs who make her look HORRIBLE. (She looks fine. She’s just a terrible human being.) Anyway, they take pictures, the end.
Finally, Kyle’s completely unnecessary dinner party. As if the lack of floors and indoor plumbing weren’t reason enough not to have this dinner, moments before the guests are due to arrive, the power mysteriously goes out. (Seriously, didn’t anyone suggest to her that she have this in a restaurant or hold off until at least all of the toilets in her powder rooms had been reinstalled?) But Kyle’s Party Planner sets up a bunch of candles and promises that it is going to be fine. IT’S FINE. It’s not like she’s going to be hosting a bunch of judgey fragile millionaires who have never encountered hardship in their entire lives.
Dorit, her awful husband, and her awful headband — I mean, she trusts the people who sent her out wearing this:
… over a magazine’s makeup and hair team? — all arrive, and Dorit starts off the night being gracious, patient and understanding with her hostesses’ completely unexpected mishap.
LOL J/K. She bitches and bitches and bitches and bitches and bitches and bitches and bitches about the lack of air conditioning.
Everyone else arrives, including Vanderpump and Grandpa Ken, Teddi and Jawline, and Camille with some rando friend. Camille explains that her boyfriend David will be joining them later, but she really wants Dorit to get a good tequila buzz going before she introduces him to everyone for the first time.
Bt the time David arrives, Dorit is quite well-lubricated and shouting about how Kyle is her best friend to Vanderpump’s profound Vanderirritation.
Dorit then being bleating about how she and P.K. have been talking about another baby. For some reason, this prompts Mauricio to ask Camille if she’s thinking about having more children, and she matter-of-factly says that she can’t since she no longer has a uterus. P.K. then asks Camille if she’d be their new baby’s godfather because I don’t think he understands that a hysterectomy is not the same thing as gender reassignment surgery?
Camille explains that she can not be their baby’s godfather because she has no “dick or testicles,” prompting Dorit to start screaming that she is going to make a line of strap-ons called, “The Camille.” And then for her big finale, Dorit screams for no reason whatsoever, “CAMILLE, YOU’RE A STUPID CUNT!”
Tequila shots for all!
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo on Tuesdays at 8/9 p.m.