January 22, 2018
This week begins with some of the women in the house gossiping furiously about the fact that Pixie Manic Dream Girl is only 22 years old, and that 36-year-old Arie Bobby might not yet know.
And, look. I agree that it’s dumb that a 36-year-old would date a 22-year-old — I mean, I get it, I get why a 36-year-old would date a 22-year-old — but I think it’s dumb and gross. Leaving my prudish judgment aside, I am always baffled by why anyone would want to be in a relationship with such a large age gap: What do you have in common? What do you talk about? Do you get the other person’s references and jokes? But even putting THAT aside, honestly, no matter how cool the 22-year-old might be, no matter how mature or worldly, as a 36-year-old, do you really want to hang out with the 22-year-old’s friends? Because they’re going to be 22, too, and there are fewer things more annoying than a 22-year-old.
BUT HERE’S THE THING: you know who doesn’t get to make judgey judgments about someone being 22? 25-year-olds. And last I checked, as of this episode, the oldest contestants were 30, and there were only two of them. So calm down, ladies, you were all 22 five minutes ago.
ANYWAY. Chris Harrison breaks up the gossip session to announce that the women will be leaving the McMansion to begin the travel portion of the show, and their first stop will be South Lake Tahoe.
Fun fact: every year The Bachelor‘s finale airs while I am vacationing with my family in South Lake Tahoe, also known as Foolish’s mountain retreat. With only one exception, we have gone to South Lake Tahoe every year for the past ten years. It is one of my favorite places on the planet: pristine, spectacular, the kind of place that makes you contemplate the bigger issues of creation and the universe as a whole.
So of course The Bachelor is here to ruin it.
AND LET ME JUST ADD: THERE’S A WHOLE LAKE THEY COULD HAVE VISITED. BUT NO, THEY HAD TO GO TO SOUTH LAKE TAHOE. MY SPOT. MY LITTLE PIECE OF HEAVENLY.
What makes me a tiny bit less grumpy about all of this is that despite a number of nicer options, Arie Bobby is stuck staying in South Lake Tahoe at the Hard Rock Casino which is trash. The idea of him having to make his way through the casino floor through clouds of cigarette smoke while dodging retirees on their Lil’ Rascals gives me a tiny piece of joy.
As for the ladies, they seem to be put up in a rental somewhere, which brings me to my next question: Wait, why aren’t they all staying at the Hard Rock? Did the producers want to separate Arie Bobby from the women? Did the Hard Rock only offer them one room? This just seems strange to me, but like most things, I’m certainly overthinking it. Wait, did they not want the girls gambling? Did they not trust them to stay off the casino floor? Were they worried that a cocktail waitress might blend into the group and not realize it until they were in Europe?
The ladies arrive at their rental home where they find the first date card:
“Too Good for Arie Bobby: Let’s let our love soar, Arie Bobby.”
On the heels of Texas Lauren being unceremoniously dumped by Arie Bobby just for trying to fill the deafening silence between them with some conversation BECAUSE GOD KNOWS ARIE BOBBY WASN’T GOING TO, the women, notably Krystal with a K, lick their chops at the prospect of Too Good being sent home early.
Instead, Arie Bobby and Too Good go parasailing and have a picnic on the shore where Too Good asks him a bunch of questions about his family and his brother’s wedding and Arie Bobby responds with a collection of “uh huhs” and “fer sures” and asks her absolutely nothing about herself.
Over dinner, Too Good, using multisyllabic words, volunteers her own issues with relationships BECAUSE GOD KNOWS ARIE BOBBY WASN’T GOING TO ASK, and Arie Bobby nods along like he understands before offering her the date rose. They then go to a dumb concert by something called “Lanco” and dance on a platform above a crowd which is completely natural and not uncomfortable at all.
Meanwhile, back at the rental, Cousin Sarah learns from her mother that her grandfather has passed away, so she packs her crap and leaves. It is unclear if she will be returning or if this is BYE GIRL for good.
The date card is also delivered:
“Grendel’s Mother, Krystal with a K, Miss Masala, Flag Girl, The Challenger, Foot Fetish, Sooey Jr., Taxiderpy, Virginia Lauren, Hot Wheels, and Realtor: Will our love survive?”
Let’s hope not.
Anyway, this means that Pixie Manic Dream Girl will be going on the final one-on-one date to the profound irritation of our actual villainess this season, Krystal with a K, who declares that Pixie Manic Dream Girl is a child who doesn’t have an identity, and doesn’t know who she is yet. As opposed to Krystal with a K who wants us to be VERY CLEAR she is this season’s villainess despite Grendel’s Mother’s early claim on the title.
For their group date, the women are herded into the woods where they meet survivalist Michael Hawk, who, thanks to his name, really had no choice in this life as to what his career would ultimately be.
Hawk explains that as water can be scarce (despite there being a large deep freshwater lake just yards nearby) and recycling is an important survival tool, so he’s going to pass out bottles and allow the women to go off in the woods to pee in them after which they’ll see who has what it takes to survive. The women, AMAZINGLY, take the water bottles into the bushes, PEE IN THEM, and then bring them back to camp where Hawk explains Arie Bobby is going to lead by example. Arie Bobby takes a long drink from his water bottle prompting The Challenger to be like, “Fuck it, I’ll go for it.” And these assholes allow her to get the water bottle up to her mouth before they’re all LOL JK HE DIDN’T ACTUALLY DRINK PEE.
There’s a Donald Trump/Russian hooker joke in here somewhere, I just can’t seem to find it.
Lesson number 2 involves eating earthworms, which Arie Bobby and Taxiderpy actually do.
With that, Hawk passes out some maps and compasses, splits the women up into groups and sends them out to the woods to be Blair Witched.
Eventually, the groups find their way to their final destination: a hot spring where everyone strips down to their bikinis and gets their “woo” on.
In the hot spring, there is a moment when Krystal with a K cozies up to Arie Bobby, and the other women are like, “Nope, not cool,” because, kinda not cool, and so he moves away and visits with everyone. Krystal with a K seethes.
That evening, they have their cocktail party at the golf club next door to the Hard Rock Casino, where Arie Bobby takes Virginia Lauren aside to have a boring conversation and Taxiderpy aside to have a considerably less boring conversation about the taxidermied baby duck with whom she travels. But then who doesn’t have travel taxidermy?
Meanwhile, Krystal with a K pouts about having to share time with other people, whining about the other women’s “obnoxiously overbearing need to be seen.” Yes. How dare they, contestants on The Bachelor, want The Bachelor’s attention and not just part like the Red Sea so that she may take her rightful place beside him. What assholes.
Shockingly, the other women are not impressed by Krystal with a K’s bitching and call her “ingenuine.”
Krystal with a K then takes Arie Bobby aside to bitch that she has a target on her back and, tearing up, baby whispers that she is just so hurt that she is being judged.
Krystal with a K then takes Realtor and Sooey Jr. aside to grouse about the hot tub incident, and complain that she’s been targeted just because she had an early one-on-one date. Sooey Jr., however, is not having it and is like, “First of all, stop playing the victim. Second of all, were you talking shit about us to him?” Krystal with a K insists that she was just telling him that she was “hurt,” to which the other women are like, “Sure. OK. Sure.”
With that, Sooey Jr. goes to Arie Bobby and begins whining at him that this is “hard” and that it’s difficult to see him with other people and FOR THE THOUSANDTH FUCKING TIME: Y’ALL. THIS IS LITERALLY WHAT ALL OF YOU SIGNED UP FOR. Arie Bobby shoves his tongue down her throat to make her stop talking.
Finally, Arie Bobby gives the date rose to Sooey Jr. because she was the last one he
made out with talked to.
The next morning, Krystal with a K discusses her struggle: she was challenged on the group date because it’s really hard for her to show Arie Bobby who she is while also not being intimidating to the other women on account of her flawlessness.
This woman is amazing. She is an amazing human being. I can not overstate her amazingness. I want her and her amazinghood to be on every season forever.
On their date, Arie Bobby and Pixie Manic Dream Girl ride horses around the lake to a secluded — what else — hot tub, where they talk car accidents and drink champagne. Typical stuff.
Over dinner, however, Arie Bobby expresses
the Producers’ his concern that Pixie might not be ready to settle down, that he may be in a different place in his life than she is, what with him enjoying waking up at ass early o’clock, and her not coming home from being out until ass early o’clock …
Pixie is like, “Wait wait wait, do you know how old I am?” He admits he does not and she hesitates to tell him, explaining that she doesn’t want him to see her through the lens of her age. Which is a remarkably insightful thing for a Bachelor contestant to say and think! Because she is CONSIDERABLY smarter than the average contestant! But she tells him anyway, and he’s all, “Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh … ” before giving her the rose because she’s too hot to dump.
And with that, it’s time for the rose ceremony, which we head right into without a cocktail party as we are at the 1:45-minute mark of the episode.
Line up the Beccas!
As Arie Bobby is about to begin, however, Krystal with a K stops everything and demands to speak to him alone, and all the other women are like, “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME WITH THIS? EVERYONE WANTS TO TALK TO HIM, ASSHOLE.”
Alone, Krystal with a K baby whispers at him that she developed an early connection with him, but she’s been building up walls with the other women because she “adores and respects” them so much (???), that she’s not here to play games and that she respects his decision. Which she proved by trying to potentially change his decision.
And with that, Krystal with a K allows the Rose Ceremony to proceed:
Rose #1: Virginia Lauren
Rose #2: Taxiderpy
Rose #3: Flag Girl
Rose #4: Ring Bearer
Rose #5: Grendel’s Mother
Rose #6: Foot Fetish
Rose #7: The Challenger
Rose #8: Miss Masala
Rose #9: Krystal with a K
Which means, bye, Realtor! You were saucy and held your own with Krystal with a K, but that was literally the only thing we knew about you. And bye, Hot Wheels! I really liked your nickname, but we’ve reached the part of the season where the Black girls are sent home. (You know it’s true.)
Here are the ladies who were eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:
Here are the women along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Arie:
The Bachelor airs Mondays on ABC at 7/8 p.m. and needs to GET THE HELL OUT OF MY TOWN.