The Real Housewives of New Jersey
“Reunion, Part 1”
January 17, 2018
Somehow it’s already Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion time. Remember when RHONJ’s seasons were 25 episodes long? I suppose with the cast moving in and out of meatball prison, the kids at Bravo decided keeping the shooting schedule as brief as possible was the way to go. I’m not complaining, but it does feel like this season just began a few weeks ago.
So the ladies are all dolled up and brought to a overly detailed studio (seriously, did they really need to construct an entire kitchen set? OK, WHY?) …
… to hash out their cake grudges one last time before Siggy, who is not returning next season, disappears into whatever parallel universe former Housewives fade away. Say hello to Amber and the Twins when you get there, Siggy!
Andy Cohen begins the reunion as he always does: commenting on the women’s appearances.
Margaret: not wearing pigtails.
Dolores: had work done.
Siggy: does her son’s laundry — which is not so much about her appearance as it is about her being a ridiculous helicopter mom.
Teresa: now blond. Teresa then demands that Andy comment on her dress, and he’s like, “Yeah, it’s great.”
Melissa: wearing a dress off-the-rack from Envy.
Speaking of Envy, we jump into a montage of Melissa taking charge of her life and ignoring the tiny harping misogynist to whom she is married.
A viewer congratulates Melissa for not physically attacking Folletto when he blindsided her with the restaurant — a restaurant that has subsequently gone out of business, and whaddya know, turns out to have been a stupid, ill-thought-out venture that sold rancid pasta sauces online and has since embroiled the Follettos in a legal mess.
Melissa explains that while she didn’t want Folletto to take on yet another project, she understands why he did because dead madre blah blah blah.
Another viewer asks Melissa if she thinks Teresa doesn’t recognize her as famiglia, what with the whole, “only Gorga by injection” comment, which launches a bit of a quarrel between Melissa and Teresa over which of them says the most stupid merda. As an impartial party and professional Real Housewives of New Jersey viewer: Teresa by A FUCKING MILE. I mean, this is not even a contest.
Andy Cohen asks Dolores if she thinks Teresa and Melissa’s bond will last and she’s like, “I mean, imagine if that fight had happened three seasons ago. Punches would have been thrown. Yeah, they’re fine.”
Andy Cohen then asks some very boring questions about Envy and how Margaret thinks it’s doing and Jesus Christ, literally no one cares.
Andy Cohen turns his attention on Margaret, asking if her pigtails are actually clip-ons, and she is like, “OBVIOUSLY.”
This leads to a whole conversation amongst the women about extensions and wigs and merkins, and God Bless, I never thought we’d be talking about merkins on a Real Housewives show but here we are. 2018 is shaping up to be the best timeline.
Also, Betsy Johnson is a fan of Margaret, which, great?
After a “Margaret is Wacky” montage, Andy Cohen asks Margaret if she’s heard from her stepchildren yet, and she informs him that she has not. Everyone agrees that this is very sad (except for probably Siggy who is incapable of recognizing emotion in other people).
A viewer asks Margaret if she now sees that she should stay out of other people’s merda and keep quiet, and Margaret is like, “I mean, I guess? I was just trying to be funny, but I suppose not everyone appreciates my sense of humor?” Andy Cohen asks Dolores if she thinks Margaret is funny, and she admits that she does, despite not having Siggy’s permission to do so.
As for Siggy, Margaret adds that she has apologized to her a thousand times, but Siggy protests that Margaret’s apologies are worthless. In response, Margaret says that the only thing genuine about Siggy was when she said she would “destroy [her]” and Siggy is all, “THAT’S RIGHT I’M ISRAELI YOU’RE MESSING WITH THE WRONG GIRL.”
And then Andy Cohen gives us a Real Housewives‘ kids montage that no one asked for.
After learning that Quadricep Jr. has a new girlfriend, a viewer asks Margaret about writing in her blog that she thought it was gross that Siggy was discussing her son’s girlfriend’s vagina. Which it was! It was gross! Do not talk about your son’s girlfriend’s vagina!
Siggy counters that what was ACTUALLY gross was Margaret talking about “marinating her pussy in pot like a chicken.” And while I agree that this was quite … an image, I’m siding with Margaret on this one. Do not 1. talk about your son’s girlfriend’s vagina 2. on national television 3. especially and particularly when said girlfriend is, presumably, a minor. I mean, these things really shouldn’t have to be said out loud.
And this is when Melissa’s phone begins ringing — and improbably, it’s Ramona Singer from The Real Housewives of New York.
After Andy Cohen scolds everyone involved, they return to viewer questions, one asking Teresa if she is finally disciplining her figlie, or if she’s waiting for Meatball to come from meatball prison to do it. And while I do agree that Teresa allows the girls to walk all over her, I understand and sympathize with Teresa’s explanation — that the Meatball girls have been through A FUCKLOAD in the past several years so BACK THE FUCK UP, LADY.
But also, did this viewer actually watch the show back when Meatball was not in meatball prison? Because it’s not exactly like he was laying down the law around there.
Another viewer asks Teresa and Melissa if they will ever return to their old feud but we’ve already been over this.
Andy Cohen then asks a question for himself: Wait, Teresa told him in last season’s reunion that Melissa wasn’t banned from visiting her in meatball prison but then in her new book, she admitted that she WAS banned from meatball prison. The fuck? Did you lie to Andy Cohen, Teresa? And Teresa is like, “I mean, yeah. Totally.”
This leads to a “Teresa’s Been Through Some Merda” montage, and she and Andy Cohen talk about how her padre has been crying every day since her madre died, and how he visits her grave every day and how she was only 66 when she died and just, omg.
Teresa then agrees that Meatball has a lot of making up to do for costing her a year with her madre, and Andy Cohen asks Melissa if she’d be as forgiving with Folletto if he’d dragged her into a federal crime. “Hell no.”
Andy Cohen asks Teresa if she thinks Meatball will be different once he’s home from Meatball prison, and Teresa is like, “HE BETTER BE.” Andy Cohen then asks about the fact that Meatball could be deported back to Italy, and Teresa shrugs that Italy would be a beautiful place to live. And it would! I am 100% with Teresa on this and if I were her, I’d would already be packing.
A viewer says that she read Meatball is emotionally abusive towards Teresa on phone calls and that Teresa is planning to file for divorce, but Teresa is like, “Wait, were you on the call?” before arguing that she doesn’t take merda from her husband.
The show begs to disagree.
We move on to a Siggy montage, and Andy Cohen wonders how Siggy could have both maintained so much hurt over being called Soggy, while simultaneously making money off of “Soggy Flicker” t-shirts, and Siggy is like, “what can I say, I’m a hypocrite.”
A viewer asks Teresa if she thinks Margaret was too hard on Siggy, and Teresa is all, “Come on, ‘Soggy Flicker’ is funny.” (It is.)
A viewer asks Margaret why Siggy wasn’t included in the memorial ceremony for Teresa’s mother, especially since Siggy was the one who invited her to Florida in the first place, and Margaret is like, “I THOUGHT SHE WAS COMING. HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO EXPLAIN TO YOU PEOPLE THAT I DID NOT DELIBERATELY EXCLUDE ANYONE? I ORDERED THE FLOWERS FROM THE CONCIERGE. IT WAS NO BIG DEAL. MADONN’.”
Another viewer asks Siggy and Dolores about their pigtail party making fun of Margaret, and Margaret is like, “I mean, can you imagine if I did something like that making fun of Siggy? We’d still be hearing about it. But the long and short of it is that I wasn’t offended. I thought they looked great. Because I can dish it AND take it.”
Siggy then begins screaming at Margaret for saying the word “uterus” in reference to her completely batshit insane behavior. HOW DARE SHE IT IS A MEDICAL CONDITION. Margaret first tells Siggy that she finds blaming her behavior on menopause to be an affront to all women, which somehow leads to Margaret noting that Siggy “reported” her to PETA over the stuffed bear in her house.
Which is fucking hilarious.
Siggy explains that she did so because Margaret made fun of the photos in Siggy’s foyer, and, “You make fun of my foyer, I’m going to make fun of your foyer.”
This is, somehow, even more fucking hilarious.
Andy Cohen then brings Danielle out to join the ladies, and Miss Thang saunters out in a red beaded gown with a motherfucking train, and Dolores, who hates Danielle, is like, “DAMN, GURL, LOOK AT YOU.”
After a “Teresa and Danielle are Friends Now, Can You Even Believe it?” montage, Andy Cohen reminds them that the last time these two shared a reunion couch there was a fight involving Melissa who had been contacting Danielle via Facebook, and everyone is like, “Yeah, that’s old news. What else ya got?”
Andy Cohen asks Danielle how The Table Flip changed her life, and she explains that her daughters were bullied viciously, one boy unzipping his pants in front of her older daughter demanding that she perform a blowjob. They had to move after that incident. (Yikes!)
However, Jillian has accepted Teresa’s apology, and Christina is warming up to the idea. Which, good for them! (But hellllllllllll no.)
A viewer asks what I think we’ve all been wondering for eight years: But why? What did Danielle ever do to Teresa to make her freak out that way? Did we miss something? Teresa first says it was because Danielle was insulting Meatball — after he said a gay slur, Danielle explains — prompting Teresa to insist that they NOT GO THERE. Teresa then develops amnesia about why, exactly, she was so angry, and no one can seem to remember. WELL, GLAD TWO LITTLE GIRLS’ LIVES WERE RUINED OVER IT, TRE. VERY WORTH IT.
A viewer asks Danielle if it’s true she had sex in the Gorga restaurant bathroom and she’s like, “Yeah? So?” Dolores adds that it was 500 degrees in the place and Siggy sniffs that she finds it “inappropriate and disgusting.” When Danielle invites them to judge her all they want, Siggy screams at Margaret, for some reason, to shut up her face.
A viewer asks Dolores if she thinks Teresa is naive to allow Danielle back in her life, and Dolores is like, “She’s a big girl, but I won’t throw it back in her face when things go south..”
When then enjoy a cake montage because this God damned season.
There is some discussion about the throwing of the cake, and how much cake was actually cake and how much was plastic. Melissa then reminds everyone that after the throwing, Siggy called them animals and trash and said she had the highest IQ in the group. Maybe they shouldn’t have had a food fight with the cake that they had already appreciated and eaten, Siggy was also wrong to be such an asshole with the name calling. And Siggy is all, “LOL, I WAS DRUNK.”
A viewer asks Dolores if she still backs Siggy up now that she’s seen her call Melissa and Teresa animals, and Dolores agrees that yes, Siggy was in the wrong. Siggy, with ever the flair for the dramatic, demands that Dolores tell her then and there to her face that she was wrong to make everyone happy, and Dolores complies while everyone else rolls their eyeballs into the backs of their heads.
Another viewer demands to know why Siggy throwing wine all over the table is somehow more acceptable than throwing cake on the ground and Siggy is like, “BECAUSE.”
Siggy then attacks Margaret for “attacking” her husband after Siggy brought up to the group that her husband wanted her to work less and Margaret asked if that wasn’t a little bit controlling. “THAT COMMENT DID NOT NEED TO BE MADE,” Siggy insists, “YOU DON’T HAVE TO ANALYZE EVERY LITTLE THING.”
Another viewer asked Siggy why she thought it was appropriate to humiliate Melissa at the purse party, and she first tries to claim she was trying to make people laugh before going with she was “looking for affirmation.” Margaret, again, points out that had she done something similar to Siggy, it would have been a complete MERDEFEST, but Siggy insists that Margaret doesn’t “know [her] from a hole in her head.” Which is not how that expression goes at all, but ok.
Siggy then apologizes to Melissa, “if she was embarrassed,” which is a shitty apology, and Margaret calls her out for it. This quickly devolves to the point where Margaret is yelling at Siggy that she should be on the Real Housewives of Bellevue. I’m very excited for that to debut!
Andy Cohen asks Teresa how she felt Melissa handled the purse party situation, and she pats her sister-in-law on the back for holding her merda together — if it had been her, she would have “gone nuts.” This is certainly a true statement.
There is some conversation about Siggy’s IQ, and whether or not it is actually 167 (it is not), before Margaret starts screaming at Siggy about her lack of a college degree and making up her whole “relationship expert” career. And, look, it’s bullshit to attack someone for a lack of a college degree, but I think we can all agree that Siggy’s “relationship expert” status should be called into serious question after this season.
And then Andy Cohen introduces the Kim D. situation.
A viewer asks Siggy if it is hypocritical for her to complain that Melissa and Teresa didn’t defend her enough when she stayed silent about Jacqueline last season and Kim D. this season.
Siggy:
Another viewer asks how Siggy, who claims to be all heart and soul, justifies being friends with Kim D. who is neither.
Siggy:
And that, of course, is when Andy Cohen announces that Kim D. is joining them.
The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Wednesdays on Bravo at 8/9 CST.