The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“Reunion Part 1”
April 11, 2017Hello, Darlings. As you might have noticed, I have been rather derelict with my Real Housewives recapping duties of late, having all but forgotten the last few episodes of New Jersey, walked away from New York before it was over, completely abandoning the second season of Dallas, and having ignored last year’s reunion and the first episodes of this new season of Beverly Hills.
All of that changes today, my little Giggies. My blogging New Year’s Resolution is to catch up with all of these crazy bitches, somehow, and to not abandon their botoxed overly-privileged stories any longer. I will turn over this new leaf by blogging the Beverly Hills reunion I ignored last spring before diving into this new season. I understand a Cougar-Mellencamp is somehow involved? Color me
And I promise I will do better (until I don’t.)
This reunion begins, somewhat bewilderingly, with the women backstage talking about what they are planning to talk about. And if I wanted to watch Inception, I would have.
Andy Cohen starts off the actual reunion by noting that Erika and Rinna have accomplished a Housewives reunion first: they are wearing the same exact gold Louboutins, and guess what, Andy Cohen? They don’t even care.
Andy Cohen is then contractually obligated to ask Erika if she is wearing underwear, and Rinna volunteers that she is “Sharon Stoning it” in solidarity, so the VanderCouch best avert their eyes unless that want to see a whole lot of rinna.
The very first viewer question out of the gate is if Dorit hates that the fans nicknamed her “Dorito” and she’s like, “Yeah, you think y’all are the first people to come up with that? I was in third grade once, too, you guys.”
The women then discuss their various nicknames, “Vile Kyle” and how Vanderpump called Eileen and Rinna “Soapy and Sudsy,” and how Brandi called Vanderpump “VanderCunt.” I’m not even going to lie: I know she was an asshole, but I still miss Brandi.
Andy Cohen also briefly mentions that Erika is going to compete on Dancing with the Stars, and hey, guess what, she’s already been eliminated. Wonder why.
The first montage of the night is devoted to Erika, and how the “ice queen” was warming up. And by “warming up” they mean “melting down.” Great word play, high fives all around.
A viewer pointedly tells Dorit that it was rude to criticize Erika, a guest in her home, for her t-shirt dress, and Dorit who clearly still thinks Erika’s t-shirt dress — Moschino or no — was bullshit, just kind of shrugs. Let me just preface my comment by saying that just the other day I saw a Facebook ad for a bulky L.L. Bean fisherman’s sweater and thought to myself, “HMMM, INTERESTING, TELL ME MORE,” before clicking on it and therefore I am not actually allowed to have an opinion on fashion, but this argument that, “It’s a Moschino and therefore you’re an asshole for not liking it” is kinda bullshit. Without knowing that it was a designer dress, I thought Erika looked great in it but Dorit didn’t; it’s just a matter of taste, move on.
Another viewer points out that Dorit always seemed to be looking for a fight with Erika, pointing out that time she whined about Erika never complimenting her. Dorit tries to brush it away as a “joke,” but Erika’s like “NOPE,” before noting that all “jokes” contain a drop of truth — that’s how one gets “away with shit.”
Andy Cohen brings up Erika declaring that Dorit, “says boring shit” while she says, “important shit,” and Lisa Vanderpump is all, “Well, I mean Dorit does talk a lot, darling.” In her own defense, Dorit says: “What is on my lung is on my tongue,” which is definitely not a saying. That is not a thing that normal people ever say ever.
Andy Cohen turns his attention to Erika shrieking at Eileen in Hong Kong for making a hypothetical involving her dead son. Erika is very very sorry for the whole thing, she was just feeling particularly fragile and worried about her cop son and Eileen happened to say the exact wrong thing at the exact wrong time. And Eileen will have you know that Erika loaned Eileen her glam squad the next day and it’s all cool now, next question.
Oh, and remember how Erika’s mom was like, “Hey, I was a shitty mother and that’s probably why you’re such a tough cookie now?” Somehow, Lisa Vanderpump manages to make this about her, talking about how Kyle always says that she’s so VanderBritish, but her family thinks she’s so VanderMerican now, and such an emotional VanderParent. (Which, to be fair, her kids are about the only thing that Lisa VanderShows any real feelings about.)
VanderSpeaking of Lisa, Andy Cohen turns his attention to her ongoing feud with Lisa Rinna and Eileen. A viewer asks if Lisa was being “British” funny when she made the comment about Eileen’s husband having his hand up some girl’s skirt, and Lisa is like, “Nah, I was just being a VanderAsshole.”
As for her constant antagonizing of Rinna, Lisa Vanderpump is like, “Yeah, I think it’s funny to watch her dig herself into a VanderHole.” Lisa Vanderpump goes on to say that Rinna is an entertaining person with a good sense of humor, but that she also often goes too far, like the time she
revealed on national television suggested that people were doing coke in Dorit’s bathroom.
In response, Rinna, in a remarkable feat of diversion, manages to drive the entire conversation of a ledge by saying, “Hey, Vanderpump, remember that friend of yours who flew us to Ohio to go look at that defective minihorse and how he and his wife died in a terrible helicopter crash recently? Yeah, that was sad.”
We are then subjected to a Dorit montage which leads to such fascinating viewer questions as: Why so many nannies? Why so many maids? Why such an expensive car?
To which the answer to all of the above is: “BECAUSE I CAN.”
Dorit is also called out for her bullshit accent, with a viewer pointing out that she didn’t appear to have the accent in the following video from all the way back in 2013:
And Dorit is like, “BECAUSE I CAN.”
Andy Cohen asks Rinna about saying Dorit’s accent is fake, and Rinna is all, “Did I? I don’t remember.”
We are then subjected to a montage reminding us that these ladies are one percenters, as if the ENTIRE FUCKING SHOW ISN’T ALREADY ABOUT HOW THEY ARE ONE PERCENTERS BUT WHATEVER. It does spawn a conversation about what the women do with their reunion dresses, inspiring Andy Cohen to create a Housewives Fashion Museum, which, and I can’t even lie, I would absolutely pay money to go to — but only if Bruja’s mumus are prominently displayed.
We also learn that Erika flies her glam squad around the world in business class and now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go watch some YouTube makeup tutorials and update my resume.
We end the first hour by dragging Dorit’s awful husband, PK out to the couch and watching a montage of him being fucking awful.
Andy Cohen begins softly, asking PK how he earned his money: was it entirely in the Boy George industry? PK explains that actually managing rock stars is more of a hobby and that he made his money in hedge funds and real estate, like every other gross rich troll.
After a Pantygate montage, Andy Cohen asks Erika why she seems so uncomfortable. And they say there are no stupid questions.
Dorit, in a daring gambit, tries to claim that the whole Pantygate thing wouldn’t have been a thing if it weren’t for Rinna and Eileen making it into a thing, but no one bites so Dorit is left comparing Erika’s jayne to a pink elephant.
Vanderpump tries to VanderBlame Erika for PK looking up her skirt and being a gross pig because Erika wears a necklace that reads “CUNT” every so often, but Erika is like, “NOPE. NO MA’AM.”
Andy Cohen then asks PK if he saw Erika’s Pink Elephant, and he admits, that yes, “he caught a glimpse.” Erika is like, “Look, I don’t care that you looked at it, I am just pissed that you suggested I was a whore.” PK protests that he did no such thing.
They role the tape.
He did such thing.
TO BE CONTINUED.
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo on Tuesdays at 8/9 p.m. and would ask you to not look at her pink elephant, thank you very much.