‘The Real Housewives of New Jersey’: Being a shitty friend means never having to say you’re sorry

The Real Housewives of New Jersey
“The Public Shaming of Melissa”
October 25, 2017

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We begin at Teresa’s house, where she makes dinner with her padre and deals with her depressed figlie — except not Gabagool, because she’s like, “I HAVE A CAR AND A BOYFRIEND AND I DON’T HAVE TO CONTINUE DOCUMENTING MY CHILDHOOD ON THIS BULLSHIT ADVERTORIAL FOR MY MOTHER’S COOKBOOKS ANYMORE. PACE FUORI, STRONZI.”

Oh, and Mortadella tells a story about how maybe she saw her nonna’s ghost standing by the stove cooking something and it frightened her and Teresa is all, “aw, sad.” NO, NOT SAD. THAT’S TERRIFYING. ARE WE REALLY GOING TO JUST GLOSS OVER THE FACT THAT TERESA’S MADRE IS HAUNTING HER FAMIGLIA AND COOKING THEM PASTA?

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Over at Dolores’, Siggy reminds the audience that she met with Margaret at a diner and cry-bullied Margaret into giving her a half-hearted apology. She also reports to Dolores that the other women think that Dolores is Siggy’s personal ass-kisser, which she is, she OBVIOUSLY is, I don’t even understand what the controversy is here. Oh, and Siggy announces she’s having a purse party for some friend of hers at her house to serve as this episode’s excuse to put these women in the same room together.

Later, Siggy cries and cries and cries because her 18-year-old son would rather be with his girlfriend than his mother. STOP CRYING. THAT MEANS YOU’RE PARENTING RIGHT, YOU LUNATIC.

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Meanwhile, Melissa and Folletto host Margaret and Joe at their house ostensibly to play pool, but mostly so that Margaret could speculate grossly about Margaret and Joe’s sex life, and Margaret could tell Melissa that Siggy apologized to her. Melissa would like to know where her apology is, per favore.

Later, Melissa goes by Teresa’s house where the figlie are running roughshod over Teresa — which, to be fair to le figlie, they’ve been doing long before anyone went to Meatball Jail —

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but Melissa thinks it’s because Teresa feels guilty about everyone going to meatball jail. Melissa holds her tongue — for now — but does bring up the fact that Folletto bought a restaurant without discussing it with her first, and Teresa is like, “Yeah, he asked me to go in on it with him, and I was like, ‘yous know, why not?'”

So now, not only did Folletto invest in a restaurant before discussing it with his wife, not only did he discuss investing in a restaurant with his sorella before discussing it with his wife, but FOLLETTO ALSO INVITED HIS SORELLA — THE ONE HIS WIFE ONLY RECENTLY DECIDED SHE SHE WASN’T GOING TO STRANGLE TO DEATH ON NATIONAL TELEVISION — SHOULD BE HIS BUSINESS PARTNER IN SAID RESTAURANT.

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I am praying for your safety, Folletto, because if you were my husband, YOU’D BE DEAD ALREADY.

Over in Margaret’s world, we meet her mother, Marge Sr., who is only 20 years older than Margaret, sassy as fuck, and is still sexting dirty old men.

Margaret takes a break from hearing the details of her mother’s sexting life to receive a call from Siggy inviting her to her purse party — when she should have done what everyone else does with these god awful ladies-buy-trinket parties: send her a Facebook event invitation so that Margaret can pretend to have never seen it. Sadly, Margaret has to regretfully turn down the offer as she has to DO LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD go to Las Vegas for “work.”

Sometime later, Melissa, Danielle, and Teresa meet for wine lunch, where Danielle begins asking if anyone has heard from Siggy or Dolores recently. Teresa explains that she and Siggy met for lunch where Siggy apologized to her, and Melissa is like, “WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK THOUGH? HAS THE CREW RECEIVED APOLOGIES FROM SIGGY? ANDY COHEN? THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ORANGE COUNTY? AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS NOT RECEIVED A DAMNED APOLOGY FROM SIGGY ALREADY?” But silently.

Teresa mentions that she’s taking le figlie on a vacation in Puerto Rico, which, somehow, leads Melissa to suggest that Teresa isn’t disciplining le figlie enough, Mortadella especially, and that she needs to put her foot down more. Teresa manages to not flip the table.

But she doesn’t forget about it.

The next day? five days later? whenever, Teresa arrives a little late at the new famiglia restaurant for a meeting with il Follettos, but she arrives ahead of Melissa. As such, she and Folletto tear into Melissa for being late, and when Melissa is like, “I have another business I’m running practically single-handedly and I had to be there this morning,” Teresa is all, “SO?”

The group then discuss their roles at the restaurant, and when Folletto announces that he wants Teresa in the kitchen for the first tasting event, Melissa offers to work as a hostess. “ALRIGHT, BUT WOULD YOUS BE A WAITRESS IF YOUS HAD TO?” Teresa demands to know, before accusing Melissa of just wanting to be at the restaurant to hang out and drink wine with her amici. Which, in complete honesty, is exactly what I would do if my husband and sorella-in-law surprised me with a restaurant I NEVER WANTED IN THE FIRST PLACE.

Then there’s some dumb scene where Dolores pretends to have a boyfriend whose house she and Siggy wander around for some reason.

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So Siggy’s dumb purse party happens, and on the ride over, Danielle shares with Teresa a story about a meeting she recently had with Dolores off-camera. Apparently, Dolores visited with Danielle to receive “career advice” for Little Frankie — which, wait, wait, stop. What makes Danielle Squareboobs Staub qualified to offer ANYONE career advice? Her “music” career? Her appearance on Famous Food? Her yoga hobby? Her 19 engagements? WHAT IS DANIELLE STAUB’S CAREER, EXACTLY, Y’ALL? IS SHE GOING TO COUNSEL FRANKIE JR. ON HOW TO TRICK MEN INTO GIVING HIM DIAMOND RINGS?

ANYWAY. Dolores, while soliciting career advice from a career non-careerer, tells Danielle that “Teresa is not concerned about anything or anyone but money, be careful,” and Danielle decides she needs to share this with Teresa, despite claiming earlier in the episode that she is not someone who wants to tell someone something just to “create drama.”

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Meanwhile, at the purse party, Melissa arrives ahead of Danielle and Teresa, and after some insincere cooing over the damn purses, Melissa broaches Boca with Siggy, looking for an apology for being called an animal, trash and told to “fuck off.” Instead, Siggy is astounded that this CAKE-THROWER would dare confront her about her behavior, and brings the entire party to a stop to 1. ask everyone if they think throwing a cake — something that MELISSA GORGA RIGHT HERE DID — is rude before 2. lying on the floor and screaming for reasons that are not entirely clear.

Melissa, understandably, is mortified.

Teresa and Danielle arrive soon after, and after Melissa tells them about what Siggy just did to her, the ladies all go outside to discuss the situation far from the prying eyes of the purse-party. Siggy opens by saying that she’s just still very upset about the thrown cake and Teresa is like, “AWWWW MAH GAWWD, IT WAS JUST A FUCKING CAKE. WE ATE THE CAKE. WE THREW THE CAKE. SO WHAT, WHO CARES?”

Dolores tries to act as a mediator, arguing that Teresa knows she sticks up for her, to which Danielle is like, “Um.”

Danielle then repeats the, “Teresa doesn’t care about anyone or anything but money” business. In response, Dolores has a Dorinda-on-Five-Martinis level freak out on Danielle, screaming in her face that she’s a “SCUMBAG, A CRAZY SCUMBAG, SCUMBAG, SCUMBAG, and in conclusion, WELCOME BACK, SCUMBAG!” Dolores then warns Teresa that Danielle isn’t here to be her amica and to sleep with one eye open.

Danielle excuses herself and goes inside the house to try to cry for a while, until Teresa and Melissa find her there and agree to take her home, because FUCK YO STUPID PURSES ANYWAY.

thanks bye sarcastic

The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Wednesdays on Bravo at 8/9 CST.

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