‘Bachelor in Paradise’: Even with Daniel in the mix, Dean manages to continue being the fucking worst.

Bachelor in Paradise
August 29, 2017

We begin this episode where we left the last one: with Chris Harrison announcing that they are bringing someone new in, only to reveal that it is that dummy Doocifer.

fuck you chris harrison.gif

And all the women are like, “Yay?” except for Cameltoe who literally jumps out of her seat and leaps into his not-that-excited-to-see-her arms.

Doocifer is given a few minutes to talk to the women whose fates are not yet sealed, beginning with Cameltoe who informs him that she’s been waiting for him. “That’s creepy,” he replies, which is both true while also a shitty thing to say. He then begins comparing the women he has to choose from to “scraps,” “leftovers,” and women with 5 o’clock shadows. He says this to Cameltoe’s face, one of the women he has left to choose from.

pardon my french but you're an asshole bueller.gif

He then chats with Scallop Fingers, whose virginity is appealing to him because “you can have an experience besides all those STDS.” He also encourages her to play with his balls.

youre really acting like an asshole 16 candles.gif

He finally visits with Warrior Dancer, who, having just been dumped, isn’t really in the mood for his nonsense. Doocifer declares that these women all seem desperate for his rose, but all he wants is someone “desperate for [his] dick.”

youre an asshole mute him heathers.gif

And then we finally get on with the Rose Ceremony already:

Doocifer gives his rose to Cameltoe after all.
JACK STONE! gives his rose to Scallop Fingers.

And that’s when Chris Harrison, this jerk, announces that Hey! After putting everyone through the wringer and making several women think they were going home immediately, looks like Penguin stuck around long enough to hand out a rose after all! Because who doesn’t love a little emotional manipulation?

Penguin enters and makes a big speech about how this person deserves to stay and his leaving was never about her and blah blah fucketty blah, and he offers his rose to Warrior Dancer.

thanks bye sarcastic.gif

Charlie Brown’s Teacher offers his rose to Taylor.
Fun Robby offers his rose to Token Single Mom.
Diggy gives his rose to Chipotle.
Doll Daddy gives his rose to SOOEY!
Kewpie gives his rose to Olya Povlatsky.
But don’t get too smug, Olya, you’re not out of the woods yet, honey, because Franz gives his rose to Boobs McGee.

Which means, adios, Runner-Up and Left Shark.

SARAHadios alexis

To celebrate not being sent home in favor of Boobs McGee, Olya cuddles up next to Kewpie for a round of Truth or Dare, and dares him to “get a hard-on right now.” Kewpie struggles for a while before admitting defeat.

Two thoughts:

  1. This bodes well for their relationship.
  2. Great, now I’m going to have to use some of the bleach I bought for flood cleanup on my DAMN BRAIN.

The next morning, Paradise is invaded by luchadors, or as Scallop Fingers calls them, “sumos.”

biance no rupaul drag

Los luchadors deliver a date card to Doocifer, who after leering at Olya and making lame “Canadian Bacon” jokes at Scallop Fingers, invites Cameltoe to join him. She enthusiastically agrees, after being called a leftover just hours earlier. HAVE SOME DAMN PRIDE, CAMELTOE. YOU CAN DO BETTER CAMELTOE. FUN FACT, CAMELTOE, YOU CAN ACTUALLY DATE SOMEONE WHO HAS NOT APPEARED ON THE BACHELORETTE. NO, FOR REAL, LOOK IT UP.

The pair goes to a luchador gym where at least according to ABC’s promotional photos, they trained to be wrestlers, but the show would have you believe that they just pulled on some spandex and masks and started flinging professional wrestlers around to the delight of an audience of 7.

After “winning” the match, the pair takes their belt and wrap it around both of their waists, prompting Doocifer to inform us that he is getting aroused, and “unraveling like a pool noodle.” LOOK, IF I HAD TO HEAR IT, SO DO YOU.

Back in Paradise, our next loser arrives: Tickle Monster.

jonathan bachelorette 13
Jonathan a.k.a. “Tickle Monster”

 

fuck you chris harrison

But all the women are like, “WELL, HELLO, THERE!” which I have to admit, I did not see coming. Because … this guy?

bachelorette giant hands no

Are y’all sure?

No, really, do you want think about it for a minute?

Tickle Monster, a.k.a. Dr. Non-Cosent, asks to talk to Scallop Fingers, describing her as his “emoji wife,” WHATEVER THE HELL THAT MEANS, and within two minutes of chatting with her, his tongue is down her throat. Come on, dude, just for once in your life try to not be a creep.

(No, wait, totally see it now.)

So Tickle Monster asks Scallop Fingers out on his date which is just them at a tiny outdoor restaurant, throwing scallops at each other’s faces. It’s a gross handsy match made in heaven.

When they return to Paradise, JACK STONE!, who had been counting on receiving Scallop Fingers’ shellfishy rose, PANICS! and asks to speak to her for a moment. And by “speak to her for a moment” he means:

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And that’s how Scallop Fingers found herself in the most improbable love triangle in Paradise.

Over in the Olya – Kewpie – Boobs McGee mess, Kewpie just can’t decide between the two women, and it’s hard, y’all! On the one hand, Olya is smart, perceptive, interesting and emotionally engaged, but on the other hand, boobs. BOOBIES, YOU GUYS. (I know a lot of you missed this episode but this is almost literally word-for-word what this pignut said, I swear to God.)

Olya confronts Kewpie about him being “distant” for the trathillionth fucking time, and Kewpie is like, “Look, the truth is, I can’t stop thinking about Boobs McGee’s boobs. And what I am asking of you is very simple: stay here and wait for me while I explore her pants. Is that so hard?” And to be fair to Kewpie, Olya can say no at any time! She can walk away! And yest she doesn’t, instead choosing to have a sad for herself because Kewpie keeps stringing her along and she keeps allowing him to string her along.

So while I think Kewpie is a total shitbird for making out with Boobs McGee in the pool RIGHT IN FRONT OF OLYA, I also can’t help but point out to our heartsick Russian that he keeps telling her that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with her. Yes, he is immature and shallow and that shitty boyfriend we’ve all had who is too much of a coward to actually break up with us himself so he keeps pushing us away to make us do the heavy lifting and that is the FUCKING WORST. But at some point, we have to recognize that’s what he’s doing and WALK AWAY ONCE AND FOR ALL.

YOU ARE GORGEOUS AND SMART AND WORTHY OF LOVE, OLYA, DUMP THIS JACKASS ONCE AND FOR ALL, GIRL.

dump him in the marsh

 

 

And then we go to the Bachelor studio where Chris Harrison chats with Token Single Mom, Left Shark, SOOEY! and All-4-Wells, and I do not care.

Then they bring out Warrior Dancer and Penguin to talk about their breakup, such as it was, and I do not care.

Finally, Corwin comes out to explain herself, and she claims that thanks to a combination of pills and booze, she has no memory of what actually happened with DeMario. So, at least we have an explanation for all those naps she took.

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But good news, y’all, Corwin neither blames nor has bad feelings about DeMario despite that weird statement that her lawyer put out about her being a “victim.” Corwin wants us to know just how difficult all of this has been on her and her family, and that she can’t do ordinary things like go grocery shopping without seeing her face all over the tabloids. This is very sad! And very hard! And in response to these challenges, Corwin is working on a new reality project and a new scripted TV series. RESPECT HER PRIVACY, YOU GUYS.

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Bachelor in Paradise airs at 7/8 p.m. on Monday and Tuesday nights FOR TWO HOURS. TWO! EACH NIGHT!

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