‘Bachelor in Paradise’: Welcome to Paradise, now GTFO.

Bachelor in Paradise
August 14 & 15, 2017

As you and the entire world knows, after two days of filming this summer, production on Bachelor in Paradise abruptly and dramatically shut down and all of the contestants were flown home. Something mysterious — and still not thoroughly explained — happened between contestants DeMario Jackson and Corinne Olympios, alarming producers and instigating a two-week investigation. From what I gather, the gist of it was Corinne, hopped up on champagne and pills, initiated something in the pool with DeMario and some of the producers were worried it wasn’t consensual. However, the lawyers decided it was, and two weeks later, everyone but Corinne and DeMario returned to Paradise to drink fruity drinks and rub their bits and pieces together. Crisis averted!

Except not, because they still had to say something about it on the show.

So how’d they do?

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August 14, 2017

We begin this season with Chris Harrison alone on the Paradise beach, explaining, “Look, you know shit went sideways at the beginning of this season, and we know that you know shit went sideways at the beginning of this season, and you know that we know that you know shit went sideways at the beginning of this season. In response, we’re not going to pretend that the first two days of this season didn’t happen … and go sideways. Instead, we’re going to show you a heavily edited version of those two days, show you a Bachelor in Paradise wedding to convince ourselves that this is all worth it, have a little circle time with the survivors and then move on. Cool? Cool.”

We begin with the usual “Rejects Arrive One-by-One” sequence, beginning with SOOEY! and Kewpie. Women squeal, bros bro out, sweaty polyester costumes are worn, and drinks are had.

Many, many drinks are had. Including and especially by CorWin who arrives at Paradise two-fisting glasses of champagne. She and DeMariOhNo — whom SOOEY! and the other women declare to be “full of shit” for what he pulled on Rachel, and for that ANNOYING AS HELL WHISTLE he keeps blowing because HE APPARENTLY THINKS PARADISE IS A GODDAMN RAVE. WHICH IT MOST CERTAINLY IS NOT — hit it off immediately. The next thing you know, CorWin and DeMariOhNo come crashing through G.I. Joe’s interview on their way to the pool, which they jump into fully dressed. “OH!” G.I. Joe says, astonished that this is happening 30 minutes into Paradise.

wow ok then sure if you say so

(Side note: the mysterious event that shut down Paradise might have happened at this moment, but we will never know because no one will actually talk about it. LAWYERS RUIN EVERYTHING.)

Other people who hit it off on the first day include Taylor and Charlie Brown’s Teacher (so nicknamed in Jojo’s season of The Bachelorette because: “Apparently there is a contestant named ‘Derek?’ I had so little memory of this guy that I had to go back to last week’s post to try to figure out who he was, and found this: ‘This guy is the equivalent of the teacher’s voice in Charlie Brown cartoons. You know he said something, but it doesn’t much matter what it was.’”); Kewpie and Olya Povlatsky; and Drama Mama and Cameltoe.

Meanwhile, Franz tries to woo SOOEY! with riveting stories about his dog; and Santa Claus announces to Warrior Dancer that he is there for her before unceremoniously shoving his tongue down her throat. Romance is alive and well!

Oh and also back is Token Single Mother whose engagement to Winner Josh didn’t last as she could not take one more “HAW HAW!” from his giant donkey head. Also, he was “smelly,” news that does not come as a surprise.

Chris Harrison calls all the contestants together and explains that Jorge the bartender is leaving to pursue his dream of opening his own restaurant, and will be replaced with All-4-Wells. BUT LISTEN UP, YOU LITTLE HARLOTS, ALL-4-WELLS IS ONLY HERE TO SHAKE YOUR MARGARITAS AND LINE UP TEQUILA SHOTS, NOT HERE TO DATE, SO KEEP IT IN YOUR BIKINI BOTTOMS. GOT IT? GOOD.

We also learn that women will be handing out the roses first this time around which should have been obvious from the fact that there were considerably more men than women, but which still seems to come as some sort of surprise to everyone, probably because they are all dumb dummies.

Kewpie receives the first date card, and promptly asks Olya to join him, which bums out Nurse Boring. She whines to All-4-Wells, whom she is friends with from back home, and with whom she is absolutely, positively, definitely not going to hook up on this show, seeing as it is Strictly Prohibited.

jon hamm sure ok right sarcastic

Anyway, Kewpie and Olya’s date involves dinner and mariachis and it is, like all Bachelor dates, super boring and not worth talking about.

Back in Paradise, Santa Claus is having a one Santa SantaCon and becomes so drunk, Warrior refuses to speak to him, turning her attention to another costumed character: Penguin.

The next morning, Cameltoe breaks the news to Drama Mama that she is leaving temporarily: her grandfather just died. Drama Mama watches with sadness as his one chance at receiving a rose and staying in Paradise to bro out with his bros walks away.

sad crying mr. t

And then Fun Robby arrives with his weird shellacked hair and his George Michael beard and his collection of bathing suits and his infuriatingly misplaced self-confidence and his date card. He asks SOOEY! to join him, and she agrees to Franz’s despair. HE LEFT HIS DOG FOR THIS?

SOOEY! and Fun Robby’s date involves riding on jet skis and SOOEY! counting down the minutes until she can return to Paradise. Once she returns, SOOEY! firmly declares that she can not date someone who has so many abs, and whose hair is “prettier” than hers. Oh, honey, it’s really not. Also, Fun Robby apparently described himself as an “influencer,” which is the single most hilarious thing anyone on any of these shows has ever said ever.

Penguin receives the next date card and takes Warrior Dancer to a drag club where he is cheerfully made up as a pretty lady, and earns 50 points for House Penguin.

Finally, it’s Rose Ceremony time, and things begin normally enough: people pair off to negotiate and chat and make out and cry, but before any roses can be handed out, producers march onto the beach, demanding to speak to DeMariOhNo and CorWin, and ordering all the camera operators to put down their cameras.

The entire cast:

what-tom-cruise-confused-baffled

August 15, 2017

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We begin the second episode of Nonsense in Paradise not with an explanation of whatever happened between CorWin and DeMariOhNo or even exploring the aftermath of whatever happened between CorWin and DeMariOhNo, but instead with Carly and Boner’s wedding.

I refuse to recap Carly and Boner’s wedding.

I will just point out that this happened:

carly evan wedding black box flute.jpg

And Carly made her bridesmaids wear this:

juelia kinney bridesmaid headdress.jpg

Was she angry at them?

We then have a feelings meeting with Chris Harrison and the cast, minus DeMariOhNo and CorWin, about The Thing That Happened That Must Not Be Discussed in Specific Terms. Some words that are said include: “Consent,” “Misconduct,” “The Race Thing,” “Double-Standards,” “Lawyer,” “Slut-Shaming,” “Victim,” “Investigation,” “Alcohol,” “Robot.” And in the end, everyone agrees that this has been a very helpful if completely unenlightening exercise and they would all very much like to return to Paradise, please and thank you.

Also, it should be noted that CorWin and DeMariOhNo’s expulsion is Cameltoe’s gain as she was able to bury her grandfather and return to the show without skipping a single rose ceremony. Hooray for two-week-long oral sex investigations!

The time away did shake up some relationships, however. Over the break, SOOEY! did not respond to either Fun Robby or Franz’s messages, preferring to ghost the dumb meatheads instead. And who could really blame her; you just know she received a metric shit ton of photos of Franz’s dog and Fun Robby’s hair.

Over the break, Penguin decided that he was not nearly as interested in Warrior Dancer as he thought he was in those first two nights. However, he knows he has to be nice enough to her that she’ll give him her rose, but not so nice that she thinks he is in love with her. Ah, the classic Bachelor in Paradise tightrope.

And apparently, Olya and Kewpie took a road trip to Kentucky together? But they don’t say from where? And I assume it’s not Mexico, but … who knows? The point is, they spent those two weeks entirely in each other’s company, and Olya is Super Encouraged about their relationship.

oh god honey no mean girls amy poehler

As for Single Mom, before the break, she had been warming up to G.I. Joe, but upon returning, she discovers that he is super possessive and annoying and she spends the entire first day back literally running away from him.

Oh, and Charlie Brown’s Teacher and Taylor with the Smart Friends have decided they are IN LURRRVE, and spend the next two episodes chewing on each other’s faces. Charlie Brown receives the date card, takes Taylor on a boring date, and they make the sex that night.

Meanwhile, since she’s returned, Cameltoe has cooled on Drama Mama, and in an interview, she begins sobbing that there is no one in Paradise for her. Unless Dooficer comes later, she’ll never find true love.

canadian-daniel-swimsuit
This guy. This guy is her one shot at “true love.”

Meanwhile, Kewpie begins acting all weird with Olya, not talking to her, avoiding eye contact, basically acting like the fourteen-year-old boy he so physically resembles. Olya is NOT AMUSED, and we end the episode with Olya sobbing and Olya, All-4-Wells and Santa Claus in a three-way hug, while Santa Claus mumbles, “I didn’t realize it was like that …” YEAH, WELL, IT IS. WELCOME TO PARADISE, SANTA. WELCOME TO PARADISE.

Bachelor in Paradise airs at 7/8 p.m. on Monday and Tuesday nights FOR TWO HOURS. TWO! EACH NIGHT!

ain't nobody got time for that

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