The President of the United States just compared his TV ratings to September 11th and I’m just going to go ahead and start day drinking now, bye.

On Friday, the man who is somehow our President gave an interview to Associated Press reporter Julie Pace, and it was REALLY SOMETHING. Leaving aside the 16 times the A.P. found him “unintelligble” and the 55 uses of ellipses, the highlight for our purposes here is when he discussed the media.

Buckle up, because there is a lot to unpack here:

AP: And that’s one of the difficulties I think presidents have had is that you can have these personal relationships with people from the other party, but then it’s hard to actually change how people vote or change how people —

TRUMP: No I have, it’s interesting, I have, seem to get very high ratings. I definitely. You know Chris Wallace had 9.2 million people, it’s the highest in the history of the show. I have all the ratings for all those morning shows. When I go, they go double, triple. Chris Wallace, look back during the Army-Navy football game, I did his show that morning.

AP: I remember, right.

TRUMP: It had 9.2 million people. It’s the highest they’ve ever had. On any, on air, (CBS “Face the Nation” host John) Dickerson had 5.2 million people. It’s the highest for “Face the Nation” or as I call it, “Deface the Nation.” It’s the highest for “Deface the Nation” since the World Trade Center. Since the World Trade Center came down. It’s a tremendous advantage.

I have learned one thing, because I get treated very unfairly, that’s what I call it, the fake media. And the fake media is not all of the media. You know they tried to say that the fake media was all the, no. The fake media is some of you. I could tell you who it is, 100 percent. Sometimes you’re fake, but — but the fake media is some of the media. It bears no relationship to the truth. It’s not that Fox treats me well, it’s that Fox is the most accurate.

AP: Do you believe that? That Fox —

TRUMP: I do. I get treated so badly. Yesterday, about the thing, you know when I said it’s a terrorism … it may be. I said it may be a terrorist attack and MSNBC, I heard, went crazy, “He called it a terrorist attack.” They thought it was a bank robbery. By the way, I’m 10-0 for that. I’ve called every one of them. Every time they said I called it way too early and then it turns out I’m … Whatever. Whatever. In the meantime, I’m here and they’re not.

___

AP: Do you feel that one of the things with cable is there’s such real-time reaction with everything you say?

TRUMP: Yeah.

AP: Can you separate that sometimes from that actual decision?

TRUMP: The one thing —

AP: That you have to do —

TRUMP: OK. The one thing I’ve learned to do that I never thought I had the ability to do. I don’t watch CNN anymore.

AP: You just said you did.

TRUMP: No. No, I, if I’m passing it, what did I just say (inaudible)?

AP: You just said —

TRUMP: Where? Where?

AP: Two minutes ago.

TRUMP: No, they treat me so badly. No, I just said that. No, I, what’d I say, I stopped watching them. But I don’t watch CNN anymore. I don’t watch MSNBC. I don’t watch it. Now I heard yesterday that MSNBC, you know, they tell me what’s going on.

AP: Right.

TRUMP: In fact, they also did. I never thought I had the ability to not watch. Like, people think I watch (MSNBC’s) “Morning Joe.” I don’t watch “Morning Joe.” I never thought I had the ability to, and who used to treat me great by the way, when I played the game. I never thought I had the ability to not watch what is unpleasant, if it’s about me. Or pleasant. But when I see it’s such false reporting and such bad reporting and false reporting that I’ve developed an ability that I never thought I had. I don’t watch things that are unpleasant. I just don’t watch them.

AP: And do you feel like that’s, that’s because of the office that you now occupy —

TRUMP: No.

AP: That you’ve made that change?

TRUMP: I don’t know why it is, but I’ve developed that ability, and it’s happened over the last, over the last year.

AP: That’s interesting.

TRUMP: And I don’t watch things that I know are going to be unpleasant. CNN has covered me unfairly and incorrectly and I don’t watch them anymore. A lot of people don’t watch them anymore, they’re now in third place. But I’ve created something where people are watching … but I don’t watch CNN anymore. I don’t watch MSNBC anymore. I don’t watch things, and I never thought I had that ability. I always thought I’d watch.

AP: Sure.

TRUMP: I just don’t. And that’s taken place over the last year. And you know what that is, that’s a great, it’s a great thing because you leave, you leave for work in the morning you know, you’re, you don’t watch this total negativity. I never thought I’d be able to do that and for me, it’s so easy to do now. Just don’t watch.

AP: That’s interesting.

TRUMP: Maybe it’s because I’m here. I don’t know.

  1. “I have, seem to get very high ratings. I definitely. You know Chris Wallace had 9.2 million people, it’s the highest in the history of the show. I have all the ratings for all those morning shows.”

    He still seems to think that he is a reality TV star who needs to worry about his ratings.

  2. “On any, on air, (CBS “Face the Nation” host John) Dickerson had 5.2 million people. It’s the highest for “Face the Nation” or as I call it, “Deface the Nation.” It’s the highest for “Deface the Nation” since the World Trade Center. Since the World Trade Center came down.”

    A. He calls Face the Nation, one of our longest-running and most important political programs, a childish nickname before
    B. FAVORABLY COMPARING HIS RATINGS TO 9/11. TO 9/11.

    TO 9/11, Y’ALL.

  3. “TRUMP: OK. The one thing I’ve learned to do that I never thought I had the ability to do. I don’t watch CNN anymore.

    AP: You just said you did.

    TRUMP: No. No, I, if I’m passing it, what did I just say (inaudible)?

    AP: You just said —

    TRUMP: Where? Where?

    AP: Two minutes ago.”

    He just fucking lies just as easily as he breathes but is too stupid to realize THAT HE IS GOING TO GET CAUGHT.

  4. “I never thought I had the ability to not watch. Like, people think I watch (MSNBC’s) “Morning Joe.” I don’t watch “Morning Joe.” I never thought I had the ability to, and who used to treat me great by the way, when I played the game. I never thought I had the ability to not watch what is unpleasant, if it’s about me. Or pleasant. But when I see it’s such false reporting and such bad reporting and false reporting that I’ve developed an ability that I never thought I had.”

    HE IS BRAGGING ABOUT HIS ‘ABILITY’ TO NOT WATCH TV. HE THINKS THIS IS AN ACCOMPLISHMENT.

  5. And this is a bonus quote from earlier in the interview: “I used to get great press. I get the worst press. I get such dishonest reporting with the media. That’s another thing that really has — I’ve never had anything like it before. It happened during the primaries, and I said, you know, when I won, I said, “Well the one thing good is now I’ll get good press.” And it got worse. (unintelligible) So that was one thing that a little bit of a surprise to me. I thought the press would become better, and it actually, in my opinion, got more nasty.”

    This idiot, this fucking moron actually believed that once he became President of the United States, the most powerful person in the world, he would become well-liked and the press WOULD GO EASY ON HIM. 

amy-poehler-blinking-incredulous-what-shock

Of course, none of this is particularly surprising. Trump is, after all, a reality television star, and appears to not have the intellectual capacity to not view everything through that ratings lens. He seems to be so stupid that he actually equates his ratings with actual popularity and success, and no one seems to be explaining to him that that’s not how any of this works. Like, at all.

The Washington Post ran an enlightening story about Trump and his relationship with television that explains so much, including why Melissa McCarthy will have a steady job at Saturday Night Live for the foreseeable future:

During a small working lunch at the White House last month, the question of job security in President Trump’s tumultuous White House came up, and one of the attendees wondered whether press secretary Sean Spicer might be the first to go.

The president’s response was swift and unequivocal. “I’m not firing Sean Spicer,” he said, according to someone familiar with the encounter. “That guy gets great ratings. Everyone tunes in.”

THEY TUNE IN BECAUSE THEY ARE WAITING TO SEE IF SPICER IS GOING TO INSULT JOURNALISTS, CLAIM THAT FACTS CAN BE ARGUED WITH OR DEFEND HITLER, YOU DUMB BOOB.

~deep cleansing breath~

And then there’s the whole part where Trump spends all day watching TV, BECAUSE I GUESS HE DOESN’T HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO WITH HIS TIME, and makes his decisions based on what he sees on Fox News, rather than relying on the world’s greatest intelligence-gathering organizations. So that’s terrific.

Some of his tweets, often prompted by TV segments, have left his aides scrambling to reverse-engineer information to support his dubious assertions. Others worry about a president who can seem to be swayed by the last thing he sees on TV, a medium geared more for entertainment than actual policymaking.  

Rick Wilson, a veteran Republican consultant and vocal Trump critic, said a number of Republicans in Congress and in establishment party circles find the president’s habits bizarre to the point of alarming, although they rarely say so publicly because they do not want to draw his wrath.

“There are many conversations where it ends: ‘But of course, God knows, he could watch Fox News tomorrow and change his whole position,’ ” Wilson said. “They don’t get him, because he’s a creature of television and they’re creatures of politics. They care about the details, he cares about what’s on TV.”

And what I’m saying here is that we are all so fucked. So very, very fucked.

And don’t for a second think Ivanka and Jared are going to save you.

In Other News News

Is Sean Hannity going to be the next Fox News host to fall? GOD, LET’S HOPE SO.

Megyn Kelly’s NBC Sunday night specials will begin in June, and her Today Show appearances will start in September.

Caitlyn Jenner will be Tucker Carlson’s first guest in Bill O’Reilly’s old time slot but I suggest you not watch because screw those guys.

In Other TV News

Regarding last night’s The Leftovers, the writing credits went to “Tha Lonely Donkey Kong & Specialist Contagious,” names that were created with the Wu-Tang Nickname generator, i.e. HOW FOOLISHWATCHER GOT ITS NAME. Ugh, I should have been on that writing staff. I’ve missed my destiny.

Also, how about that guest appearance on last night’s The Leftovers? I mean, if you’d given me a million guesses as to which actor was going to make a guest appearance as themselves on that show I WOULD STILL NEVER HAVE GUESSED THAT. I love this show so hard.

Who better to join a March for Science than Doctor Who?

We’re getting ever closer to Sunday’s premiere of American Gods on Starz, so here are a bunch of stories about it:

Speaking of The Handmaid’s Tale, it debuts on Hulu on Wednesday.

Here is an interesting explainer as to why so many cartoon characters are yellow.

Some pilot news:

Here’s a nice interview with Kristian Nairn, also known as Hodor. Apparently Isaac Hempstead Wright, Bran, was the one who wrapped him on his final scene. Also, Narin used to be a drag queen? WHICH IS AMAZING?

Catastrophe, which also premieres this week, was planning on having a lot more Carrie Fisher in the future. ~sigh~

Here, Scott Gimple talks about Rick Grimes’ willingness to sacrifice himself in season 8 of The Walking Dead. Which is great, except thanks to the writers’ strike, who knows when or if season 8 will happen.

Quick, guess what the most tweeted Netflix show is this year? (So far.) (And it’s not really much of a surprise if you think about it for a second.)

Ryan Murphy’s next season of Feud is going to be about Charles and Diana, but interestingly will begin with their divorce, which is not what I would have expected.

You’ve got a month to get ready for the return of Twin Peaks. Here are a bunch of things to read and watch to get into the mood before them.

Trailers

Twin Peaks, Showtime, May 21 

(This trailer isn’t so much new material, but instead a handy little recap of the first two seasons.)

Renewals

In Development

Casting News

R.I.P.

WATCH THIS

Bates Motel: Somehow, this show manaegd to make Psycho even creepier. Series finale. 9 p.m., A&E

Gotham: The Court of the Owls reveals its next move in the midseason premiere. 7 p.m., Fox

APB: Season (series?) finale. 8 p.m., Fox

Late Night: Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon: Kobe Bryant, Kathryn Hahn, Big Boi Late Night with Seth Meyers: Jim Gaffigan, Andrea Martin, Jan Bohmermann, Lucius The Late Show with Stephen Colbert: Allison Janney, Sheryl Sandberg, Marty Stuart The Late Late Show with James Corden: Jason Schwartzman, Nicole Richie, Geoffrey Rush, Depeche Mode Jimmy Kimmel Live: Christoph Waltz, 2017 High School Rube Goldberg National Champions, Kings of Leon Conan: Kumail Nanjiani, Rep. Adam Schiff, Real Estate The Daily Show: Gov. John Kasich Watch What Happens Live: Patricia Altschul, Kelly Osbourne

MON. 7:00 7:30 8:00 8:30 9:00 9:30
ABC Dancing with the Stars
(new)
Quantico
(new)
CBS The Big Bang Theory
(repeat)
Superior Donuts
(repeat)
Kevin Can Wait
(repeat)
2 Broke Girls
(repeat)
Scorpion
(repeat)
CW Supergirl
(new)
Jane the Virgin
(new)
Local
FOX Gotham
(new)
APB
(new)
News/Local
NBC The Voice
(new)
Taken
(new)
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