The Real Housewives of New York
“A New Low”
April 19, 2017
As it turns out, Ramona kept her Hamptons home in the divorce (explaining that she bought it before she got married, to which I say, bravo, Ramona), and she is hosting a dinner party there to which all of the women are invited. To that end, Princess Radziwill is staying at Bethenny’s Hampton’s house; Dorinda is staying at The Countess’; and Sonja and Tinsley are staying at some stranger’s house because Ramona disinvited them from her place, for reasons.
Upon arriving at The Countess’ house, Dorinda notes that she knows that she was excluded from Sonja’s Mad Hatter party, and does not give a fuck. In fact, she cares so little that she shares her many thoughts on Sonja’s so-called sobriety and passes around a photograph of Sonja being humped by a stripper at The Countess’ bachelorette party.
“None, not one, zero, zero, zero, done.”
As for Sonja, back in Manhattan she explains to an exasperated Tinsley Mortimer that the press has just been hounding her for comments on her relationship with the man The Countess is going to marry, and what is she going to do, not respond? Don’t be ridiculous. Sonja then shows off a pair of remarkably large panties, and wonders to whom she should give them.
I happen to know a needy cause:
Over at Bethenny’s, Her Highness mentions her election night party again — DON’T DO IT! CANCEL IT NOW, PRINCESS! IT WILL ONLY END IN TEARS! — and how she’s not sure that she’s going to invite Ramona, who, according to Her Sereness, called Hillary Clinton a criminal.
All of this election nonsense is stressing out our Polish Princess so much that Bethenny decides to help her relax by taking her to have a bunch of needles jammed into her belly. And if that doesn’t work, maybe a little cupping will do the trick. Such science! Very medicine!
That evening, Bethenny, Princess Carole, The Countess, Ramona and Dorinda meet for dinner at some restaurant, and Ramona begins by bragging that she’s just returned from Avery’s school where she was considered more like the kids’ friend than she was a mom.
She then shows a photo of herself with Avery, and when Princess Carole and Bethenny say that they look like sisters, Ramona becomes VERY HUFFY that they didn’t say they looked “beautiful.” OK SURE OK.
Her Highness and Dorinda spend a little time exchanging their concern about the election and how Dorinda told her daughter that if Trump wins, she might as well become a stripper, which … wait … do what now? Look, as I am sure I’ve made perfectly clear on this site, I am no fan of Donald Trump and I find his misogyny reprehensible, but I don’t understand telling your 20-something-year-old daughter that she will have to become a stripper if he becomes president? Is Dorinda’s point that only stripping jobs will be available to women under president Trump? That her body will be the only thing of value under his administration? Isn’t there some other way to express this? I’m just very confused.
ANYWAY, THE POINT IS, across the table Ramona is rolling her eyes at all of this and insisting that she is very politically informed, thankyouverymuch, and from everything she has read on facebook and the twitters, she just thinks that Hillary is a criminal who should be in jail.
(She didn’t actually say that, but she was thinking it REALLY LOUD.)
And then, out of literally fucking nowhere, Ramona asks Bethenny if anyone at her daughter’s school has confronted 6-year-old Bryn with the fact that Bethenny made a “soft-core porn” yet. To Bethenny’s credit, she doesn’t grab the glass of wine out of Ramona’s hand and hurl the cabernet in her face as I would have, but instead jokes that Diane Sawyer has already come to Bryn’s school to interview her about it.
Some context: Apparently sometime this past fall, the tabloids learned that in 1994 Bethenny starred in a “movie” called Hollywood Hills 90028 and it just looks very, very good:
It also features a topless sex scene, which Ramona thinks 1. qualifies the film as “soft-core porn” (LOL “film”) and 2. that in this day and age of celebrity sex tapes and dick pics and nude selfies that anyone would possibly care. And when confronted by this, instead of becoming angry, Bethenny tries to shrug it off, noting that her boobs were big, what does she have to be embarrassed by?
But this is not the response Ramona was looking for, and she begins berating Bethenny for not accepting her thoughtful and generous inquiry. She’s only thinking about Bethenny’s daughter, y’all, and BETHENNY SHOULD STOP BEING SO SARCASTIC AND MAKING FUN OF HER FOR TRYING TO MOMMY SHAME HER FOR NO GOOD REASON.
The Countess tries to “help” by noting that everyone does things they regret sometimes, even porn, but Bethenny is not having it. She needed the money and she was trying to be an actress and she has “no issue with it whatsoever,” and for the last time, it wasn’t porn.
Ramona then begins bitching to The Countess about how Bethenny isn’t appreciating her kindness in bringing this potentially humiliating story out of absolutely nowhere, and The Countess informs Ramona that she’s wasting her breath and that Bethenny probably doesn’t appreciate Ramona “bringing up her porno life” and Bethenny is like, “I AM LITERALLY SITTING TWO FEET FROM YOU AND CAN HEAR EVERYTHING YOU ARE SAYING WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR BRAINS?”
When Princess Carole tries to defend Bethenny, pointing out that it’s ridiculous that Ramona and The Countess would even have a conversation about why Bethenny might be angry about this, Ramona tells her to butt out because Her Highness doesn’t have a daughter, which is just a very cool response.
Ramona then tells Bethenny that she’s stupid and has terrible interpersonal skills, which The Countess agrees with: after all, Bethenny has said awful things about all of them at one point or another. And Bethenny doesn’t care about any of them, not really. And Bethenny was very rude to Tinsley Mortimer that one time, so really all of this is Bethenny’s fault if you think about it. The Countess then leans over to tell Dorinda that Bethenny was “wicked” to her, and Ramona huffs that she can’t even talk to Bethenny, she’s a “witch.”
So, to recap: Ramona brings up Bethenny’s past in “porn,” and when Bethenny doesn’t rise to the bait, she and The Countess call Bethenny a “wicked” “witch.”
And then for some reason, Bethenny and Princess Poland leave the dinner. Weird.
The next day, Bethenny and Her Polishness agree that Bethenny will not be attending Ramona’s dinner party because fuck her, but that Princess Carole will, because she has no real ax to grind as of yet.
Elsewhere, The Countess, Ramona and Dorit go to a vineyard where they agree that if Bethenny had something as salacious on them as a bad B-movie, she would totally use it against them. Therefore, ergo, hence, it was completely fine for Ramona to ambush Bethenny the way that she did, and, honestly, Bethenny should have been more grateful to Ramona for bringing it up, if you really think about it.
Meanwhile, Dorinda is SO MAD that Sonja is going around saying HORRIBLE things about her and Fudgie the Whale that she WILL NOT REPEAT HERE …
… and SHE IS NOT HAVING IT.
Also, too, Sonja claimed in an interview or 15 that she’s not going to The Countess’ wedding because she would never deign to attend something so “tacky” and not because she’s “not invited.”
The point is, Dorinda now has a “hard-on” for Sonja and I deeply wish she hadn’t put it quite like that because, just, ugh.
Meanwhile, Sonja and Tinsley arrive in the Hamptons.
Finally, Ramon’s dinner party, or at least the beginning thereof. Dorinda and Princess Carole are among the first to arrive, so Dorinda sitts Princess Carole down and warns her that she is gunning for Sonja.
Dorinda lays out her case: Sonja is saying shit about Dorinda and Fudgie, Sonja is claiming that she’s not going to The Countess’ wedding because it’s beneath her, and then Sonja got all Leviticus 19:19 up in here and said something about not mixing “synthetics with silk” as if she doesn’t wander around her house in a cheap synthetic robe during her Grey Gardens cosplay.
And in summation, Dorinda has a guy who has given her a file on Sonja, don’t worry about who he is or where he got his “intel,” the point is Dorinda is coming for Sonja, so BUCKLE UP, YOUR HIGHNESS.
Don’t mess with Dorinda, y’all.
The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo on Wednesdays at 8/9 p.m. and has no regrets about her film career.