‘The Bachelor’: Swamp Ass

The Bachelor
January 30, 2017

This episode begins smack dab in the middle of CorWin and Taylor with the Smart Friends’ argument over whether or not CorWin has emotional intelligence. CorWin doesn’t understand that emotional intelligence does not equal intellectual intelligence, thereby proving she has neither, and she is DEEPLY INSULTED at Taylor calling her dumb, which she did not. Now, don’t be confused, Taylor with the Smart Friends was DEFINITELY insulting dumb CorWin, just not in the way dumb CorWin thought she was being insulted.

In response, CorWin is all, “NOBODY LIKES YOU EVERYBODY SAYS SO AND THEY DON’T THINK YOU’RE HERE FOR THE ‘RIGHT REASON’ AND YOU HAVE A SKANK FACE.”

CorWin literally tells Taylor with the Smart Friends that she has a “skank face,” that is not me being snarky.

taylor side eye roll bachelor 1.gif

CorWin then marches over to This Asshole and is like, “TAYLOR WITH THE SMART FRIENDS WAS MEAN TO ME AND NO ONE LIKES HER AND WAH.” And This Asshole, he’s all, “Interesting. Thank you for sharing these valid and important thoughts with me.”

Rose Ceremony time; line up, dummies, and grab a coat because we are doing this outside in the cold for no damn good reason.

Rose #1 That Whitney Lady
Rose #2 Nurse Boring
Rose #3 Warrior Dancer
Rose #4 Rachel J.D.
Rose #5 Ballsy
Rose #6 Hot Dog
Rose #7 Valencia
Rose #8 Left Shark
Rose #9 CorWin
Rose #10 Taylor with the Smart Friends

Which means, goodbye, Seen the Breasts and Runner-Up. You were a sassy one, Runner-Up, I liked it. As for you, Seen the Breasts, you … were well-endowed? I don’t know. You received no screen time except for when you were wearing a bikini, so I don’t really have an opinion about you one way or the other.

nick-fake-ters-bachelor-goodbye

Once the dead weight leaves, This Asshole announces that they are not staying in glamorous Milwaukee and milking more cows, but moving on to their next destination: New Orleans.

NOOOOOOOOOOOO

ellaria-screaming-game-of-thrones

NO NO NO NO NO NO YOU DO NOT GET TO RUIN MY FAVORITE CITY ON THIS PLANET YOU STUPID SHOW NO

But here these idiots are, dancing on Bourbon Street and trying on cheap Mardi Gras masks like any dumb tourist.

bachelor winter is coming.gif
Alright, that does look like a Son of the Harpy mask. But that’s not a thing that they say …

They are then taken to some anonymous Marriott where Chris Harrison explains that there will be three dates: a one-on-one, a group and the dreaded two-on-one. GEE, I WONDER WHO WILL BE CHOSEN FOR THAT ONE.

Chris Harrison leaves the first date card with the ladies before heading straight to Tropical Isle for a Hand Grenade or 18.

“Rachel J.D.: Where have you beignet all my life?”

GET IT? BECAUSE “BEIGNET” SOUNDS LIKE “BEEN” EXCEPT NOT AT ALL?

This Asshole and Rachel J.D. meet at the French Market and look at dumb tchotchkes and eat raw oysters before heading to Cafe Du Monde for beignets and then joining a not-at-all spontaneous second line parade. The Producers followed the instructions for throwing a parade from this helpful instructional video, true fact:

And then This Asshole and Rachel J.D. go to some bar and listen to some lady perform, who knows/cares, before wandering around Jackson Square for a while. Basically how your average tourist from Alabama spends the day in the French Quarter.

That evening, they go to Mardi Gras World for dinner, which is not, in fact, a restaurant, but instead a large warehouse that stores many Mardi Gras floats. It’s worth a visit, FYI.

WHO WORE IT BETTER?

And then, and I can’t believe I am saying this, then This Asshole and Rachel J.D. have a nice conversation where he asks her about her family and admits that he’s anxious about asking another father for his blessing to marry his daughter. While I think that whole “asking the father for his daughter’s hand in marriage” is total bullshit, This Asshole actually seems sincere when he discusses it with Rachel J.D. and it’s clear that he not only is attracted to her, he seems to genuinely respect her. He even goes so far to suggest that he wants to meet her family and assures her that she has a good shot at winning this thing before offering her the date rose. And look, she’s going to be totally blindsided when he chooses Valencia, but the good news is that Rachel J.D.’s chances of becoming the first African-American Bachelorette just improved exponentially.

Back at the hotel, the women receive the next date card:

“Hot Dog, Olya Povlatsky, Left Shark, SOOOEY!, Ballsy, Valencia, Nurse Boring, That Whitney Lady, Warrior Dancer, Boobs McGee: ‘Til death do us part.” Which means, of course, CorWin and Taylor with the Smart Friends, will, of course, be on the two-on-one date. Of course.

taylor side eye roll bachelor 2.gif

As for the group date, the women are driven out to an old plantation, Houmas House, which This Asshole erroneously claims is “the most haunted house in Louisiana.” Oh, honey, no. I’m not saying that it’s not haunted, everything in Louisiana is haunted. Hell, I lived in a haunted house when I lived in New Orleans and I am not even making that up. But I am saying that even among plantation homes, Houmas House is not the most haunted. (The Myrtles is famous for being the most active plantation home for supernatural activity, if you were curious.)

Anyway, the ladies are given mint juleps by Houmas House’s caretaker and aspiring community theater actor, Boo, before he leads them on a tour of the premises. Boo explains that the main ghost of the house is May, the 8-year-old daughter of the owner who spends eternity looking for a favorite doll. Boo also points out an object that is covered with a blanket before sternly warning the women to NOT TOUCH THE THING UNDER THE BLANKET until later that night and only when they have a camera crew in attendance IT WILL MAKE MAY ANGRY. Boo then takes them up to May’s room where the doll she supposedly is searching for is encased in a glass box WHICH THEY ARE NOT TO TOUCH. So … why can’t she find the damn doll? IT’S LOCKED IN A BOX FOR CHRIST’S SAKE. IT’S RIGHT THERE. Boo also shows them a haunted mirror. Because there’s always a haunted mirror in these places.

Once Boo leaves, This Asshole and the women begin playing with a Ouija board, asking it who will receive the rose that night and it “mysteriously” moves towards the letter “D.” They then ask if May is with them, which is the cue for the Production staff to turn off all the lights in the house. SPOOKY.

Then This Asshole and the women grab candles and begin exploring the house. OH NO, THE DOLL IS GONE! OH NO, WHEN THEY TOUCH THE THING THEY WEREN’T SUPPOSED TO TOUCH, THE CHANDELIER FALLS! OH NO, A CHAIR MOVES! OH NO, BOOKS!

scared-and-horny

Later, This Asshole chats with the women one-by-one, including Boobs McGee, to whom he hilariously says that sometimes it’s better to spend time apart, i.e. “I might keep you around for another couple weeks because you’re super hot and I like making out with you, but my God your fake laugh is irritating and frankly, you are not wifey material.” He also has a super boring conversation with Nurse Boring which OH MY GOD SO BORING. And in his interview with her, SOOEY! blurts out that she’s fallen in love with him, bless her heart.

But it’s Nurse Boring he gives the date rose to, the date rose which up until that moment was being held under a glass cloche, ala Beauty and the Beast, because Disney was using this episode to cross-promote the upcoming live action remake of Beauty and the Beast even though Beauty and the Beast has nothing to do with slave-owning ghosts. I mean, unless the live action version taken a very different direction from the animated film.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel, CorWin spends her day ordering room service, including a plate-sized steak and potatoes and a salad and chicken wings and a giant piece of chocolate cake and champagne like she’s a cartoon evil rich person. Which she kinda is. And Taylor with the Smart Friends meditates her ASS off because if she didn’t she was going to kill a blonde bitch.

The date card finally arrives: “Meet me in the bayou. –This Asshole.” I mean, they don’t even try here. No puns, no riddles, just a flat, “Go to the bayou.” “Let’s take a swamp tour.” “How about we look at alligators.”

Which is what they do. The threesome is driven out to the middle of the swamp somewhere by this hilarious Coonass:

cajun boat ride bachelor.gif

… and dropped off in the middle of the woods. There, This Asshole, CorWin and Taylor with the Smart Friends meet some Voodoo practitioners just busily doing the Voodoo in the swamp. True fact: Voodoo is an actual spiritual practice that has Christian connections and though it’s been commodified and caricatured over the years, before Katrina, some 3,000 New Orleanians practiced it. It’s a real thing that many real people take very seriously, just to be clear, and using it this way is like using a Christian mass or ritual as a prop. Although, come to think of it, considering the way this show is supposed to be all about marriage, maybe they already do.

Now that we have my little lecture out of the way, This Asshole, CorWin and Taylor with the Smart Friends meet with a tarot card reader who announces that there’s too much tension between the three of them — HOW DID SHE KNOW? — and sends CorWin and This Asshole away so that she can read Taylor alone. The reader pulls a bunch of cards that suggest a woman with great intuition and very emotive is dealing with a toxic situation with someone who tends to be nasty, and the reader urges Taylor with the Smart Friends to take the high road, because SURPRISE! The tarot reader is actually MICHELLE OBAMA! HOORAY, MOMMA’S COME BACK TO US!

when they go low we go high michelle obama.gif

I miss them so much, you guys. ~sob~

Meanwhile, This Asshole and CorWin talk some more about how Taylor supposedly called CorWin “stupid” and bullied her and it was just TERRIBLE and then they chew on each other’s faces. Oh and CorWin whines about the insects because of course she does.

swamp but corinne bachelor.gif

CorWin then has her reading which amounts to, “You’re kind of an asshole who shoots off at the mouth too much,” and CorWin is like, “Yeah. Hey, how do you make a voodoo doll?”

While CorWin is getting into some black magic, Taylor with the Smart Friends learns from This Asshole that CorWin has been talking shit about her. “IS THAT SO,” Taylor responds. “HUH.”

taylor side eye roll the bachelor 3.gif

“THIS IS NOT HOW YOU BUILD A RELATIONSHIP, OFF WHIPPED CREAM AND LIES,” Taylor declares in an interview. And who knew those particular words would ever be put together in a sentence, but yeah, she’s not wrong.

Finally, This Asshole offers the date rose to CorWin, sending Taylor back to her Smart Friends WHO WARNED HER ABOUT THIS ASSHOLE. THEY WARNED HER. BUT DID SHE LISTEN?

nick-fake-ters-bachelor-goodbye

CorWin takes her big win with her usual humility.

corinne i win bachelor.gif

corinne-i-am-the-queen

make corinne great again bachelor.gif

However, CorWin underestimated just how. pissed. off. Taylor with the Smart Friends is. While CorWin and This Asshole ride off into the bug-filled sunset together, Taylor with the Smart Friends goes full Angel Heart and has the Voodoo queens purify her before she heads back to New Orleans to set one particular blond bitch straight.

And so just as This Asshole and CorWin are settling down to a fake dinner in some old church back in the city, who should walk in but Taylor with the Smart Friends, and TAYLOR’S GOT SOMETHING TO SAY.

not-today-satan-rupauls-drag-race

Here are the ladies who were eliminated along with their dumb nicknames:

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

And here are the women along with their nicknames who are still stuck dating This Asshole:

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

The Bachelor is on Mondays at 7/8 p.m. on ABC and NEEDS TO STAY THE HELL OUT OF MY CITY.

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “‘The Bachelor’: Swamp Ass

  1. Are those Corinne’s nipples in the last couple of gifs? It doesn’t look like she has a shirt on under that black jacket thing.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s