January 16, 2016
Last we left This Asshole and his bevy of women, he was on a group date and had just told the assembled that he had sent One-Night Stand home [because] and that he had slept with her at Jade and Tanner’s wedding some 9 months ago. However, for editorial reasons that I will never fathom, we do not see the immediate aftershocks. Instead, we begin this episode back at the McMansion as this news bounces around amongst the women, before This Asshole arrives at the house for the Rose Ceremony and to talk to anyone who might have some concerns about what happened with One-Night Stand.
The general reaction: a collective shrug.
Except for Camel Toe, who points out that this whole mess sounds awfully similar to the trouble This Asshole got himself into with both Andi and Kaitlyn. And she’s not wrong. This situation with One-Night Stand is problematic for a couple of reasons — not that he hooked up with some woman for a one-night stand at a wedding, I mean, who hasn’t been there, amirite? (DON’T YOU LOOK AT ME THAT WAY) — but that because he had slept with her, she became problematic for him to keep around. Yes, I know: she refused to give him her number so This Asshole finds it suspicious that she would suddenly want to pursue a relationship with him the moment he’s chosen as the Bachelor. And that might have been an acceptable answer IF he hadn’t slut shamed Andi after the end of their relationship.
Now, I know it’s ridiculous for me to put myself in the shoes of a Bachelor contestant for too many reasons to count … BUT, if I were a contestant on The Bachelor, I would be very concerned that the same dude who slept with Kaitlyn halfway through the season in defiance of Bachelorette protocol was the same dude who basically called Andi a slut for sleeping with him in the Fantasy Suite who is the same dude who just sent one of my fellow contestants home for having slept with him. All I’m saying is that it’s a troublesome pattern.
But using Nail Girl as its surrogate, the show forgives This Asshole and moves on, and I guess we will, too.
So we turn attention to CorWin, who, though disappointed that This Asshole slept with one of the contestants before her, takes the whole thing in stride: why are all these other bitches upset about a woman being sent home? This is a competition, dummies!
If This Asshole wants to be inappropriately sexual, CorWin will give him inappropriately sexual. To that end, she puts on nothing but a trench coat over some skimpy lingerie, and heads downstairs with a can of Reddi-Whip to entice This Asshole in recreating that dumb Varsity Blues scene.
She leads This Asshole to a pillow out on the Driveway of Heartbreak, sits him down, shoves Reddi-Whip into his mouth, giggles and throws her head into his lap — multiple times — before spraying a bit of Reddi-Whip on her chest and demanding that he “lick it off [her] boob.” Which, because he’s an idiot with a complete lack of self-control and no concern about how the other women who are OBVIOUSLY WATCHING ALL OF THIS might feel about it. I think we can safely say we know at least one person who is not here “for the right reasons.”
However, despite getting This Asshole to lick cheap whipped cream off of her chest and making the other women watch, CorWin worries that her little stunt didn’t work because … what? This Asshole didn’t send all the rest of the women home immediately and violate her right there on the driveway? It’s unclear. But she ends up sobbing in the bathroom, wailing that she wants to go home, before ultimately crawling into bed and passing out, sleeping through the Rose Ceremony.
Everyone lines up as This Asshole notes CorWin’s absence, and they just roll their eyes and are like, “Oh, whatever, it’s 4 o’clock in the morning, let’s do this already.”
Rose #1: Seen the Breasts?
Rose #2: Taylor with the Smart Friends
Rose #3: That Whitney Lady
Rose #4: Some Kristina Person
Rose #5: Nail Girl
Rose #6: Rachel, J.D.
Rose #7: Valencia
Rose #8: SOOEY!
Rose #9: Ballsy
Rose #10: Chipotle
Rose #11: Runner-Up
Rose #12: Left Shark
Rose #13: Bend Over
Rose #14: Hot Dog
Rose #15: Warrior State Dancer
(Oh, and Terror Watch List received the rose on the previous group date, presumably for tattling on One-Night Stand and setting that whole mess into motion.)
Which means, goodbye, No Panties. I hope you go home and take a seminar on foundation garments: how to wear them; when it is appropriate to talk about them; how to not display them when you are wearing a formal dress.
Goodbye, Camel Toe. I respected that you actually pointed out to This Asshole’s face that the situation with One-Night Stand sounded an awful lot like what happened with Andi and Kaitlyn, but it appears to have cost you. KEEP SPEAKING TRUTH TO POWER, HONEY.
And goodbye, Jam’ie Private School Girl. We never really got to meet you, so I’m just going to assume based on your taste in TV shows that you were too smart for this nonsense anyway.
Chris Harrison delivers the next date card in the morning: “Nail Girl; Terror Watch List; Some Kristina Person; That Whitney Lady; Taylor with the Smart Friends; Warrior State Dancer; CorWin: EVERYBODY!”
And that’s when the graying shells of what used to be the Backstreet Boys hobble into the McMansion turning all of the women into shrieking 9-year-old girls standing outside TRL in Times Square making it IMPOSSIBLE TO GET ANY WORK DONE IN THE BERTELSMANN BUILDING ACROSS THE STREET BETWEEN THE HOURS OF 3 AND 4 P.M. WHY AREN’T ANY OF YOU CHILDREN IN SCHOOL ANYWAY?
Sorry. I briefly slipped through time and space there for a hot minute.
So, yeah, the Backstreet Boys, bless their mid-40-something-and-calcifying hearts, they appear in the McMansion and announce that the women on the group date will be their backup dancers. They then warble their way through one verse of “I Want It That Way.” Thanks?
The women are driven out to some studio space where the Backstreet Boys teach them some of the dance moves to “Everybody” so that they can help the Backstreet Boys ask the eternal question “Am I sexual” to a crowd of 500 people that very evening! Which is 300 fewer people than attend my children’s former elementary school! SO IT’S A REALLY BIG DEAL! And after the performance, the Backstreet Boys themselves will choose one of the women to join This Asshole to be serenaded by them, which is really kind of a shit prize if you think about it for even a second.
The only notable thing that happens during the rehearsal is that CorWin has the self-awareness to realize that she is a horrible dancer because she has a “terrible short term memory,” whatever the hell that has to do with anything. But instead of spending what time she has to improve her dancing and give it her best shot, she spends that time sobbing in the bathroom while the other women steadily ignore her.
So the concert happens and the women crawl all over the husk of Kevin Richardson (whose height is given at 6’1″ on the interwebs, but I call bullshit on that because I once ran into him at the Times Square hotel he was staying at for his appearance on TRL and he is 5’9″ if he’s an inch) and the Backstreet Boys end “Everybody” by singing that “This Asshole is back, alright,” which gives me a mild aneyurism.
And then the Backstreet Boys choose Nail Girl to “win,” and they sing “I Want it That Way” at her and This Asshole, and that taken care of, now they can return to playing state fairs and at 90s nights at local bars.*
Later that night is the inevitable cocktail party, and our Insecurity Princess CorWin makes sure she is the first to grab This Asshole to talk. There, she insincerely apologizes for not attending the rose ceremony before shoving her tongue down This Asshole’s throat and declaring that she is going to get the rose that night, that she has “made CorWin great again.” She then proceeds to find a back room and passes out. Again. And I’m not saying that CorWin might have an immunosuppressive virus or that she might be narcoleptic, but I am saying that she might want to go see a doctor. That or cut out the tequila chasers to her pinot grigio.
After a little disco nap, CorWin rejoins the women, where she begins whining that she wishes her nanny were there with her. The women are like, “Wait, you have kids?” And CorWin is like, “No, bitches, I am a 24-year-old ‘business owner’ who has a grown-ass woman wake her up and make her bed and cut up her cucumbers for her and make her ‘cheese pasta.'”
The other women:
Eventually, This Asshole gives out the date rose to Nail Girl, and not CorWin, despite all of her misguided confidence. CorWin decides that he only did so to prevent the other women from “putting a target on [her] back,” before whining, again, that she wishes her nanny were there to make her coffee because she doesn’t like “being a big girl.”
I love her so much.
While CorWin was revealing to the other women that she is an adult who can’t be trusted to cut her own cucumbers, the next date card arrives:
“Valencia: You make me feel like I am floating. -This Asshole.”
Valencia thinks the date will involve a hot air balloon, but, much to her eventual chagrin, she’s waaaaay off. The Bachelor producers, because they are sadistic motherfuckers, have somehow got their hands on one of the giant planes they use to train astronauts for zero gravity. Which sounds fun! Until you learn that its nickname is “The Vomit Comet” — true fact.
So This Asshole and Valencia are forced into a parabolic flight pattern, stuck to the floor of the plane as it ascends in a 45 degree angle and then sent floating into the air as the plane points nose down and goes into free fall. Which sounds terrifying but maybe fun but mostly terrifying! And it is fun for them for a while until the inevitable happens and Valencia has to puke into a lunch bag at zero gravity. As every woman knows, they are at their very SEXXXIEST when they are vomiting.
Never forget: The Producers are monsters.
That night over dinner, Valencia keeps talking about how This Asshole took care of her when she was ill; i.e. didn’t shriek and recoil in horror when she became sick to her stomach because The Producers hurled her into zero gravity for laffs. I’m personally not convinced that this is worthy of a prize, but she seems smitten and has now officially become the front-runner in this shitshow. Oh, This Asshole offers her the date rose, obviously.
The final group card of the week is delivered: “Rachel, J.D.; Left Shark; Seen the Breasts?; Ballsy; Runner-Up; Bend Over and Chipotle: I’m done playing the field. Love, This Asshole.”
These women are driven out to a running track somewhere, where they meet This Asshole and Famous Olympians Carl Lewis, Allyson Felix and Michelle Carter, who are there to oversee what they nauseatingly call a “Nickatholon” which sounds more like when you spend a day binge-watching iCarly than an actual athletic event.
The women race and do the long jump and throw javelin and some other sports that I should not have to write about for another four years. Meanwhile, Chipotle proceeds to have a nervous breakdown because she hasn’t had a chance to talk to This Asshole yet. Girl, honestly, all you are missing out on is being mumbled at by a bearded Asshole who can’t maintain eye contact.
Eventually our Olympians get bored with all of this and are like, “I dunno, Rachel, J.D., Seen the Breasts? and Left Shark are on to the final round, just because.” The three women then compete in a dash towards a hot tub. Whomever grabs the novelty diamond ring bracelet (it doesn’t make any more sense even if you have seen it, trust) first gets to make out with This Asshole in lukewarm tub of water. Cool prize.
Rachel, J.D. is the clear winner, but she knocks the ring bracelet on the ground instead of grabbing it, and then Seen the Breasts?, who was in last place thanks in no small part to all those breasts of hers, stomps on the ring bracelet and just keeps running straight into the hot tub. And everyone is like, “Eh, sure, she can have it.”
That night, Chipotle continues her freak out, furious that This Asshole seems more interested in Rachel, J.D. than in talking to her. Eventually, Chipotle gets her time with This Asshole and expresses her insecurity about the fact that they don’t seem to have connected, and This Asshole is like, “You know what, that’s true. In fact, how about you just go on home now, there’s no reason to waste more of either of our time.”
So, wow, goodbye, Chipotle. I guess you weren’t wrong to be worried?
After giving her the unceremonious boot, This Asshole returns to the other women, explains what he’s just done to Chipotle — AND LET THAT BE A WARNING TO THE REST OF YOU THAT IF YOU’RE FEELING INSECURE, DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT SHARING YOUR FEELINGS WITH THIS ASSHOLE, JUST KEEP IT TO YOURSELF UNLESS YOU WANT TO FIND YOURSELF IN A SURPRISE UBER HEADED OUT TO JOHN WAYNE AIRPORT — and then offers Rachel, J.D. the date rose, end date.
The next day, Chris Harrison arrives at the McMansion to announce that in lieu of the regular Rose Ceremony cocktail party, they will have a
boob festival pool party, so get out the goodies, ladies, This Asshole is on his way to ogle you in your bikinis.
So, boobs boobs boobs boobs kissing kissing boobs boobs rubbing kissing boobs. Meanwhile, CorWin has arranged, somehow, for a bouncy castle to be delivered to the Driveway of Desperation, where she and This Asshole roll around together and make out and basically dry hump while the other women glare furiously from the sidewalk.
Eventually, This Asshole leaves CorWin’s clutches, and returns to the pool party. CorWin shrugs that the other women are just jelaous before retreating, once again, to bed. She really needs to get tested for anemia.
Once Sleeping Beauty is snoring away, the other women pounce, sharing their concerns with This Asshole that his entertaining an adult woman who has a nanny, eats “cheese pasta,” whose big seductive move is something she saw in a teen movie this one time, and whose idea of a good time is a bouncy castle, makes them doubt his seriousness about this process. He has his pick of a number of grown-ass women and he chooses to play around with spoiled woman-child?
And with that, we end the episode, because we can’t have two Rose Ceremonies in one episode, don’t be silly.
Here are the ladies who were eliminated along with their dumb nicknames:
And here are the women along with their nicknames who are still stuck dating This Asshole:
* I own a Backstreet Boys greatest hits album, actually love both “Everybody” and “I Want it That Way” unconditionally, and think that as a whole they are better than N’Sync. So there.
The Bachelor is on Mondays at 7/8 p.m. on ABC and totally gets motion sickness.