July 18, 2022
The morning after the non-rose ceremony, it’s raining, ruining Gabby and Rachel’s plans to throw a pool party to get to know all 118 remaining contestants. And by “get to know the contestants” they mean ogle their abs. So, instead, Gabby and Rachel wade through the sea of men at the Bachelor McMansion (thanks to there not being a rose ceremony, there were so many men that there literally were not enough beds in the house for everyone) to announce that the men will be competing in a pageant. They’ll each be expected to demonstrate a talent and answer an important question while wearing nothing but a teensy Speedo — so teensy, all of the men’s crotchital regions are black boxified.
LET THE OBJECTIFICATION BEGIN!
Before the pageant begins, Jesse Palmer gets involved and explains that the men who show the most heart, creativity, and/or skin will be invited back to Gabby and Rachel’s McWomansion for an “exclusive afterparty,” where two roses will be given.
Chick Magnet is chosen to go first. He flings off his robe, poses for a bit, answers a question about how his exes would describe him (“stubborn, honest, and kind”) before performing his “talent” which is doing the worm. It’s not a great worm, but then again, Chick Magnet is literally wearing nothing but a teensy Speedo and socks, so I’ll cut him some slack. This time.
We then hurry through a montage of very tiny bathing suits and very large quadriceps.
Some stand-out performances include Dry Spell’s Borat impersonation:
Discount Fabio’s advice on saving $60,000 a year on a 30-year fixed-rate mortgage:
Meatball covering himself in Ragu:
Whatever this is:
Whatever this is:
And then there’s Mentality Coach, who brings out a basketball, orders the men to stomp and clap along with him while he dribbles, explaining in a talking head that he’s into sports, music, and leadership, and that he’s pretty sure he’s the alpha of this group.
And if that’s not cringey enough, he then goes on to sing at Gabby and Rachel.
The editors are not impressed:
The pageant concludes and Gabby and Rachel take their leave to figure out who they want to invite back to their house.
After the men return to their clothes, a date card is delivered: Some Guy Named Aven; Chick Magnet; Blue Man Suit; Motherboy; Vanilla Ice; and Dad Joke are the lucky men invited to spend some more time with the women that evening.
Mentality Coach Tone Deaf, nursing his bruised ego, explains that there are some men, including himself, that Gabby and Rachel simply don’t need to spend time with, because they already know how they feel about them. But for the guys who are going to the afterparty, that’s great. Good for them.
The other men:
Gabby and Rachel welcome the men who did not gross them out, and after welcoming them, the women split up to talk to them one-on-one. Rachel starts off with Motherboy, who, before she can really even begin talking to him, stops her to let her know that he’s actually there for Gabby. He assures Rachel that she’s beautiful, too, but she’s like, “Yeah, sure, thanks, I definitely believe you, and my feelings are definitely not hurt at all.”
Rachel then wanders around the house looking for someone else to talk to, and ends up being bored to tears by Blue Man Suit’s brag about having been to all of the States — except for 12 or 14; and Dad Joke’s yammering about Harry Potter.
Meanwhile, Gabby is making out with Vanilla Ice.
Rachel eventually visits with Chick Magnet who goes on about how brave she is for being
the a Bachelorette and soon he’s smashing his mouth parts on hers.
But don’t get too excited, because we immediately see Chick Magnet smashing his mouth parts on Gabby, too, as if these ladies aren’t going to talk and compare notes.
And in fact, before handing out the roses, Gabby and Rachel do talk and compare notes, and Rachel announces that she made out with Chick Magnet. For whatever reason — either because she didn’t want to hurt Rachel, or because of the trickery of editing — Gabby is not shown revealing that she kissed Chick Magnet, too. Instead, she notes that her “heart dropped” and she worried that Chick Magnet was “playing both sides.” Which, I mean, yeah.
In any event, Rachel gives Chick Magnet her rose; and Gabby gives her rose to Vanilla Ice, the end.
The next morning, Jesse Palmer arrives at the McMansion and informs the men that Gabby and Rachel will each have one one-on-one date before the much-delayed rose ceremony. He leaves the first date card with the 98 men still around and takes his leave.
“Mario Andretti: Love is in the air. Love, Rachel.”
Rachel soon arrives in a classic Impala but informs the race car driver that she’ll be the one in the driver’s seat, which, atta girl. She brings them to an airport where the Zero-G Experience is awaiting them. And fun fact, Houston: For only $8,200 a person, you too can experience weightless vomiting for five hours!
Despite being a drag race driver who routinely drives cars at speeds more than 300 miles per hour, Mario Andretti here is afraid of heights and is nervous about this whole thing. I, myself, have a phobia of puking on national television in a zero-gravity situation that might lead to my vomit swirling around and bouncing off of me and my date, and what I’m saying is that we all have our fears.
Oh, and yes, they have definitely done this date before on The Bachelor and it definitely ended in vomit. Fortunately for our current heroes, everyone manages to keep the contents of their stomachs inside them.
That evening, Rachel and Mario Andretti have “dinner” at some lovely old theater at a dining set that I’m pretty sure was stolen from Mar-A-Lago.
There, they discuss having similar passions, and how nice it is to spend time with someone who gets them and what they do. Rachel then asks Mario Andretti about his family — specifically, his siblings — which I am certain was a very specific thing she thought to ask all by herself and wasn’t instructed to do so by the producers. Mario Andretti starts talking about his parents’ divorce and taking care of his two younger siblings and how it all made him grow up quickly.
Upon hearing this, Rachel runs away from the table to the producers and is like, “I DON’T WANT TO DO THIS HE HAS TO GO HOME NOW.”
Rachel returns to the table, grabs the rose, and tells Mario Andretti that she could not have asked for a better person to spend this date with.
Rachel then goes on to tell him that there’s something “missing” and she’s sending him home tonight.
Goodbye, Mario Andretti. I don’t know, man. You seemed really nice and into Rachel, it’s a mystery. I’m sure you’ll be a hit in Paradise.
Even after Rachel walks Mario Andretti out to the Go Home Now Van, we are still forced to endure the Private Concert by the Obscure Contempo-Country Duo of the Night, because I guess it’s written into their contract that they get air time, rose or no rose.
Back at the McMansion, the men are discussing the women and which one they might be into, when Tone Deaf here, he announces that he’s open to both of them. Howmsever. His dealbreaker would be if he got to the final four, and she had sex with the other men in the Fantasy Suites.
First of all, WE DO NOT NEED ANOTHER SHOWER JESUS WITH THE SLUT SHAMING AND THE JUDGMENT.
Second, IT IS DAY TWO.
Third, I AM PRETTY SURE WE NOW KNOW WHO WAS CALLING GABBY AND RACHEL “FEMALES” IN THE FIRST EPISODE.
Fourth and finally, GET YOUR FACTS STRAIGHT: ONLY THREE PEOPLE GO TO THE FANTASY SUITES. GOD.
The other men are like, “what the hell are you even talking about, Fantasy Suites? That is something way down the line, and you are being really presumptuous. Also, gross.”
One of the men ask Tone Deaf if he would mention this to the woman before the Fantasy Suites, during the Fantasy Suites, or after he had been with them in the Fantasy Suite, and he’s like, “I don’t know, it depends on the situation.”
This answer does not go over well with the men, and the more defensive and aggressive Tone Deaf becomes after showing his whole ass, the more irritated the men become. Dry Spell and Chick Magnet tell Tone Deaf that the way he’s speaking to them is condescending and controlling. But it’s My Pillow who steps up and tells Tone Deaf that putting preconditions on relationships is manipulative. “This could be our queen, the mother of our children, and this could be someone we spend the rest of our life with. You cannot have preconditions to love. It’s just the form of control that a lot of men just don’t realize that they do that damages good women.”
QUICK, CALL NEIL LANE AND FIND A WEDDING DRESS. SOMEONE IS MARRYING THIS MAN. I DON’T CARE WHO, BUT HE’S MARRYING SOMEONE.
And that someone might just be Gabby, because surreptitiously, he happens to receive her first date card: “My Pillow: Meet me at my place. Bring a bathing suit. Love, Gabby.”
And then the suitcase wrangler collects Mario Andretti’s bag from the foyer.
The next morning, before heading out on his date, My Pillow informs us that he intends to tell Gabby about the most important person in his life: his daughter. He proceeds to get weepy thinking about her and how much he misses her.
My Pillow Girl Dad heads to the McWomansion, where Gabby shows him around, and then leads him into the kitchen for a glass of champagne, only to find Rachel there.
Gabby offers Rachel a glass of champagne, too, before leading Girl Dad out to the balcony for some smooching. Rachel watches on from inside the house, insisting that its super great to see Gabby making a real connection.
Never has this meme been used more accurately:
And then the helicopter arrives. Gabby and Girl Dad fly all around Los Angeles, making sure to do the obligatory low swoop over the Bachelor McMansion so as to make the other men jealous. Eventually, they end up at a wooden hot tub out in some parking lot somewhere, and everyone should pray for the interns who have to assemble the portable wooden hot tub in ridiculous locations.
In the hot tub, Gabby notes that Girl Dad is a mature 33, and jokes that she’s never met a mature man before. No girl, you have not. And The Bachelorette producers did their very best to keep it that way.
That night at dinner, Girl Dad reveals that he has a six-year-old daughter who is his “world.” As Girl Dad starts getting choked up again just thinking about her, Gabby also becomes a little emotional, and asks him what his daughter is like. He describes his daughter as a “human form of coffee” and a “little [him].” Gabby tells Girl Dad that she’s very close to her own father, but not tight with her mother, which has been a large part of what shaped her. She instructs Girl Dad to keep loving his daughter so intensely because it will be the best thing that ever happened to her.
However, in an interview, Gabby reveals that she’s not sure that she’s ready to be a mother, before reminding herself that she doesn’t have to worry about that just yet. Gabby obviously offers Girl Dad the date rose, and he obviously accepts.
However, I worry that they are setting Gabby up to reject this man down the road because she’s so scarred by her relationship (or lack thereof) with her mother, that she’s terrified to be a mother herself.
The next night is the first actual Rose Ceremony, and time to clear out some of these sentient abs. We get to endure another round of “HOW’S THIS GOING TO WORK?” and hand-wringing by the men, and it’s like, my dudes. Calm down. Have a drink. Talk to Gabby and Rachel like they are people. Enjoy the night, accept the fact that this is not in your control, and hope that one of them digs you enough to keep you around. It’s just not that hard.
Gabby and Rachel arrive at the McMansion and are welcomed by Jesse Palmer who reminds them there are
196 28 men they have to wade through inside. They greet the men, and mention that Rachel sent Mario Andretti’s ass home, pointing out that “one conversation can change everything.”
So, wait, what was it about the subject of Mario Andretti’s conversation that turned Rachel off? Was it that he’s from a divorced home? Because that’s what he was talking about when she ran away from the table. And if it was the thing that made her reconsider being with him … what the actual fuck, Rachel? You’re going to have a hard time dating in the 21st century if you disqualify everyone with divorced parents, my friend.
ANYWAY. ROSE CEREMONY.
The first man Rachel visits with is Awkward Kiss, the same Awkward Kiss that Gabby gave her First Impression rose to just a few nights earlier. He “puts her through a workout” by which he means, he picks her up and holds her while doing some squats.
Gabby side-eyes nearby.
Rachel also visits with Some Guy Named Tyler who happens to own a “seasonal business” on the boardwalk on the Jersey Shore. And by “seasonal business,” I mean he and his brother own a basketball carnival game, which he has brought along for them to play. Rachel enjoys her time with
Some Guy Named Tyler Boardwalk Carny here.
Gabby, meanwhile, is on the dirty ground making out with Mullet for some reason. I mean, I know why she’s making out with Mullet, I just don’t understand why they have to do it on the driveway.
While the ladies are busy chewing on some of the men’s faces, some other men — namely, Dry Spell, Southern Grocery Joe, and Beats by Dre — are considering what to do about Tone Deaf and his Fantasy Suite comments. They collectively decide that the women should know what Tone Deaf was saying, and that they themselves would be offended if that information was withheld from them.
Dry Spell takes Rachel aside and tells her that Tone Deaf had been saying he would leave the show if he made it to the Fantasy Suites with one of them and they slept with someone else. Rachel is shocked that everyone is talking about the Fantasy Suites, and Dry Spell is like, “No no — not everyone, just Tone Deaf, who brought it up out of absolutely nowhere.”
Rachel thanks Dry Spell for letting her know and then excuses herself to find Gabby, furious that this man thinks he can issue ultimatums and control their journeys. Gabby, when she hears this, is also, unsurprisingly, unamused.
The two women ask to speak to Tone Deaf, and he says that it’s “nice to finally meet you,” which is clearly his passive-aggressive way of letting them know that he hasn’t been receiving the attention from them that he believes he’s owed.
Gabby immediately confronts him, asking him if he thinks it’s appropriate to be talking about Fantasy Suites, and he gives some mealy-mouthed answer about how he thinks through the entire process of falling in love and works his way backwards, which is why was talking about something that happens so late in the game.
Rachel tells him that she heard that if he makes it to the Fantasy Suites with one of them and she or Gabby sleep with someone else, he’d leave without telling them that was the reason. Tone Deaf is like, “Let me speak for myself, because what I said was much worse: what I said is that I wouldn’t be in a situation where someone I was interested in had sex with someone else and then myself. I’m not taking away anyone else’s decision, I would never do that to a female.”
OK, so this is absolute confirmation that he’s the asshole who was calling them “females” on the first night, but also, as Gabby notes, IT IS NIGHT FOUR. Gabby goes on to point out that he’s trying to control the situation and remove their ability to make decisions for themselves.
This asshole, he interrupts and tells them that he still wants the opportunity to speak to them as individuals, and Rachel’s like, “ORRRR, you could apologize and stop being so fucking condescending.” Gabby then adds that since he has pretty strong feelings about Fantasy Suites, they are going to make sure he’s not put in a place to have to worry about them, and they are going to walk him out now.
The three of them walk to the door, and once they get to the Breakup Driveway, he asks, “How does this work? Do I just literally walk in this direction?” And Gabby and Rachel are like, “Yes. Bye.”
And he walks off into the darkness.
He comes back.
This presumptuous jackhole re-enters the McMansion and demands to speak to Girl Dad, Dry Spell, Southern Grocery Joe, and Beats By Dre, the men he believes betrayed him by tattling to the women.
The other men: “HE CAME BACK?”
But before Tone Deaf can truly confront the men, Gabby and Rachel storm over to the scene, and are like, “What part of get the hell out of here did you not understand?” Girl Dad, who apparently didn’t know Tone Deaf had been kicked out, is like, “Oh no, you have to leave, now.”
And with a number of men now standing and defending Gabby and Rachel, Tone Deaf, with a heavy sigh, takes his entitled ass and actually leaves before the police have to be called.
And with that, it’s time for the Rose Ceremony. For real this time. As the men line up, Jesse Palmer informs them that the roses tonight come from both women, so they shouldn’t read too much into who gives them their rose.
They are definitely going to read too much into who gave them their rose.
In any event:
Gabby Rose #1: Motherboy
Rachel Rose #2: Some Guy Named Aven
Gabby Rose #3: Mullet
Rachel Rose #4: Goose
Gabby Rose #5: Beats by Dre
Rachel Rose #6: Dry Spell
Gabby Rose #7: Muggle
Rachel Rose #8: Bob the Builder
Gabby Rose #9: Discount Fabio
Rachel Rose #10: Boardwalk Carny
Gabby Rose #11: Mic Drop
Rachel Rose #12: Southern Grocery Joe
Gabby Rose #13: Meatball
Rachel Rose #14: Coach Taylor
Gabby Rose #15: Mr. Thoughtful
Rachel Rose #16: Choir Leader
Gabby Rose #17: Turtle
Rachel Rose #18: Awkward Kiss
Which means the men who must go away now are:
Blue Man Suit; Dad Joke; Ross; Feet; Some Guy Named Matt; and, perhaps most surprisingly, Bahstan, who the show acted like had a real connection with Gabby. Guess she didn’t like being shushed by some stranger after all.
The Men Who Have Been Dumped by Gabby And Rachel:
The Men Who Are Going to Soon Be Dumped by Gabby And Rachel:
The Bachelorette airs on ABC on Tuesdays at 7/8 p.m.