January 9, 2016
We begin the episode the way we always begin the second episode of the season: the women burbling half-convincingly that they REALLY LIKE This Asshole, NO, REALLY, LIKE, THEY LIKE HIM A LOT, SO MUCH, IN FACT IT MIGHT BE LOVE EVEN THOUGH THEY’VE ONLY SPENT LIKE TEN ENTIRE MINUTES WITH HIM. Then Chris Harrison arrives, explains that there will be three dates that week: two group dates, one one-on-one, drops a date card on the coffee table and leaves to collect his paycheck. Every. Single. Season.
“This Season’s Villainess; Valencia; Runner-Up; Left Shark; No Panties; Camel Toe; Bend Over; Warrior State Dancer; SOOEY!; That Nail Girl; Taylor with the Smart Friends; Ja’mie Private School Girl: Always a bridesmaid … -This Asshole.”
This Season’s Villainess will have you know that she’s NEVER been a bridesmaid, and not because she immediately alienates every woman she meets, but because she’s a “natural bride.” Strap in, folks, this is just the beginning with this one.
The ladies head to some hotel somewhere where they are met by a caricature of a fashion photographer who explains they will be doing a photoshoot with This Asshole. Caricature then assigns each of them a different bridal character: 80s bride; Princess Bride; Las Vegas Bride; Beach Bride; Biker Bride; Shotgun Wedding Bride; Traditional Bride; and Eve, who, technically, was never a bride. Go back and check Genesis: there was no wedding. But why let the Bible get in the way of forcing one of the women to wear a leaf bikini bottom and pose topless, right? #WWJD
If you can count, you’ll note that there were twelve women on the date, yet only eight brides, which means four sad losers are forced into generic boring-ass bridesmaids’ dresses and assigned to be window dressing for the other women. I would very much like to give whichever producer’s idea this was a prize, because it is hilarious. And it should have been the thing to send the women into an anxiety and jealousy-fueled feeding frenzy, and yet, it’s not the thing that does it.
Nope, that would be This Season’s Villainess who was assigned “Beach Bride” meaning her “wedding gown” is nothing more than a white bikini and a veil. She is THRILLED with this costume, calling herself the “hottest bride” and yammering loudly in front of the other women all about how amazing her kiss with This Asshole was on the first night. That is until “Eve” enters the makeup room wearing nothing more than a handful of leaves taped over her forbidden fruit. “SHE BETTER NOT STEAL MY THUNDER OR I WILL PUNCH HER IN THE FACE,” This Season’s Villainess actually says, out loud, on camera.
Everyone has their photoshoots, and they are goofy and light-hearted and fun for everyone except for This Season’s Villainess whose deafening insecurity is triggered by having to watch This Asshole kiss other women and then pose half-naked with “Eve.” So when it’s her turn, This Season’s Villainess and This Asshole climb into a swimming pool where she immediately removes her bikini top and demands that This Asshole “Janet Jackson” her.
This SCANDALIZES!!! the other women who say things like “MY FAMILY WOULD KILL ME IF I DID THAT” and “THERE’S NO WAY SHE CAN WIN THIS THING.” But if Donald J. Trump has taught us anything it’s that you should never underestimate the appeal of a spray tan and a narcissistic personality disorder. And in fact, Caricature declares This Season’s Villainess the “winner” because it’s too hilarious not to, and her big prize is the chance to put on a different wedding dress and pose for a few more “wedding pictures” on the back of a car with This Asshole. WINNING BIGLY.
That evening, the women are herded to the obligatory cocktail party with a rose on the line. This Season’s Villainess is the first to grab This Asshole and take him aside, of course, she wouldn’t be worthy of the nickname if she hadn’t. The other women glare furiously. Once done with him, This Season’s Villainess returns to the other women and declares that she knew in the pool that “it’s just meant to be,” calling her shoving her ta-tas in his hands “one of the most romantic things.”
The other women:
Then This Asshole has boring conversations with some of the other women, who cares. It’s only when This Asshole is having a conversation with Left Shark and This Season’s Villainess decides she needs to interrupt it, that things become interesting. This Season’s Villainess defends her rudeness by insisting that “whoever wants to can interrupt” her, that they are all in the same boat, all vying for This Asshole’s time. Then, just to make sure errrrrrybody hates her, This Season’s Villainess announces that when she was talking to This Asshole in this second go-round, she’s pretty sure her nipples were out the entire time.
The other women:
This Season’s Villainess announces that the other women are “being bitchy” but it’s not her fault, somehow: if they “can’t handle being interrupted, why come here?”
And then, This Season’s Villainess interrupts This Asshole’s conversation with Taylor with the Smart Friends, sticking the landing on the very difficult and quite rare double-interruption.
It reminds me of a joke:
“HI, CAN I STEAL YOU FOR A SECOND?”
HOWEVER! Moments later, Taylor with the Smart Friends takes This Season’s Villainess up on her offer and interrupts her (third) conversation with This Asshole, to This Season’s Villainess’ SHOCK! and FURY! HOW DARE SHE?!?
When Taylor with the Smart Friends returns to the group, This Season’s Villainess asks her if she has a problem with her, since she interrupted her, to which Taylor with the Smart Friends is all, “LOL WUT?” This Season’s Villainess, THIS BITCH, then lectures all of the women on how they — THEY! — need to get used to the fact that they might interrupt one another, that things might get weird between them, but to remember that they are here for one reason only: This Asshole. And to that end, they have to be true to themselves.
The other women:
And then, hilariously, after all of that, This Asshole gives This Season’s Villainess the date rose, so now I’m changing her name to CorWIN, not because I think she is going to win this season, but because she has WON MY HEART. You just be your awful you, girl, and do your level best to make this season worth watching. Don’t let anyone crush your terrible, terrible spirit. “XOXO, Gossip Girl” indeed.
Meanwhile, back at the McMansion, the women discuss the fact that This Asshole has already kissed CorWin, while One-Night Stand smiles coyly, drawing the attention of the other women. “I’m just smiling!” she smugly protests.
The second date card arrives: “Nurse Danielle with the Maple Syrup Fingers: Our relationship is about to take off … -This Asshole.” Nurse Danielle squees while One-Night Stand openly fumes that she didn’t receive the date. WHO DOES A GIRL HAVE TO SLEEP WITH AROUND HERE TO GET A ONE-ON-ONE?
As for Nurse Danielle and This Asshole’s date, it’s one of those super boring, fly-around-in-a-helicopter-to-avoid-having-to-make-actual-conversation-then-hang-out-on-a-boat-before-shutting-down-some-picturesque-town-so-they-can-have-a-dinner-in-the-town-square dates. The only thing missing is some musician we’ve never heard of performing a “private” concert for the couple while they pretend to care.
The whole point of this date is so that This Asshole can lie by omission about his previous Bachelorette relationships (he somehow forgot the parts where he was a crazy stalker and slut-shamer) and Nurse Danielle can tell This Asshole that her fiance died of an overdose five years ago. It’s a sad story, but it’s not a substitute for a personality, of which she demonstrates no evidence of having, at least on this date. I KNOW IT’S MEAN, SHUT UP. Anyway, This Asshole offers Nurse Boring the date rose, she accepts, yawn.
Back at the McMansion, One-Night Stand can’t contain her secret any longer and chooses — seemingly at random — Terror Watch List to confess everything. Terror Watch List can’t quite believe what she is hearing; I can’t quite believe what she is wearing:
Later, the final date card of the week arrives: “Terror Watch List; Hot Dog; Seen the Breasts?; Ballsy; Some Kristina Person; One-Night Stand: We need to talk … -This Asshole.”
“YEAH, WE DO,” replies One-Night Stand. “HELL YES, WE DO.”
The women are then driven to The Museum of Broken Relationships, which is an actual place in Los Angeles where people memorialize their breakups, because this is the navel-gazing world we have created for ourselves. This Asshole is waiting for them, and upon seeing him, one of the women actually says, “I like a man in a button-down,” which is the equivalent of saying, “I like a man in pants,” or “I love a man who wears socks.”
Once inside the museum, This Asshole shows the women a display featuring the ring he was going to offer Kaitlyn along with his final rose, and I just have a lot of questions:
- Did This Asshole donate the ring to the museum?
- If so, do the final rejected men on The Bachelorette get to keep the rings they pick out from Neil Lane?
- Surely not, right?
- So, I guess the show donated the ring?
- If so, is the ring part of the permanent collection or was it just stuck in here for this one episode?
- Where’s Andi’s ring? Because that would make a MUCH more interesting display to have both rings from both Bachelorettes that dumped his ass.
And then a big dumb fake fight between some random couple breaks out in the next room, and the women are all “OMG, A BREAK-UP? HAPPENING HERE? NOW? WHAT ARE THE CHANCES?” because they are all beautiful dum-dums.
The director of the museum soon appears and is like, “That wasn’t an actual breakup, you idiots, those were just actors, and now you’re going to pretend to breakup with This Asshole in front of an audience for no good reason that I can think of. Fun!”
One by one the women and This Asshole perform dumb little breakup vignettes: Seen the Breasts? returns his rose because he’s dating all of her friends; Some Kristina Person dumps him because he doesn’t floss; Ballsy breaks up with him because he doesn’t wash the damn dishes; Terror Watch List breaks up with him because he called her fat; Hot Dog calls him an alcoholic and slaps him hard across the face. She is my hero.
And then it’s One Night Stand’s turn, and this girl IS NOT PLAYING. One-Night Stand whips out a notebook and begins to read a whole monologue she’s written about their night together to This Asshole’s deep chagrin and Terror Watch List’s UTTER HORROR:
However, the rest of the dummies are blissfully unaware what is actually happening right in front of them. So dumb. Such dummies.
Later that night, the group goes to the obligatory cocktail party, This Asshole still reeling from “living [his] nightmare” thanks to One-Night Stand. He chats with the women one-by-one, including Ballsy who informs him that she’s bisexual, and Terror Watch List who tells him that One-Night Stand told him allllllllll about the one-night stand.
“OH REALLY,” says This Asshole, “WELL, FASCINATING.”
So This Asshole, he takes One-Night Stand to have the conversation she has been waiting for, except it doesn’t quite go the way she expects. This Asshole confronts her about telling Terror Watch List everything, before demanding to know why she’s on the show. If she wanted to pursue a relationship, all she had to do was call him. One-Night Stand pleads phoneaphobia, and I HEAR YOU, GIRL. I would shave a year off of my life if I could avoid ever having to make another phone call again, and that is the God’s truth.
But this doesn’t fly with This Asshole who is pretty sure she just wanted to be on the teevees, so he suggests it’s time for her to leave, and shoves her into the GET OUT NOW elevator without so much as an awkward goodbye hug.
Bye, One-Night Stand. I really thought The Producers would keep you around a bit longer, but I’m honest when I say I am not going to miss your smug Jim Halpert straight-takes at the camera every time someone says something about kissing This Asshole.
Meanwhile, This Asshole recognizes that he now has a whole situation on his hands, and returns to tell the women that 1. he just sent One-Night Stand home and 2. oh yeah, he totally fucked her this one time. Sorry sort of but not really!
And with that, we are left with the dreaded TO BE CONTINUED so we’ll have to wait until next week for all the keening and hair-pulling and rending of garments that is sure to come when the women process that This Asshole has had sex before.
Here are the ladies who were eliminated along with their dumb nicknames:
And here are the women along with their nicknames who are still stuck dating This Asshole:
The Bachelor is on Mondays at 7/8 p.m. on ABC and is a natural bride.