‘The Real Housewives of New Jersey’: Teresa v. Jacqueline: Round ∞

The Real Housewives of New Jersey
“The Other C Word”
October 2, 2016

It was always going to come to this. It was always going to happen this way. You can’t fight fate.

After spending the better portion of the afternoon attempting to cross-country ski — and failing miserably — Teresa, Melissa, Folletto, Robyn and Christina return to their respective villas to prepare for dinner. However, before they can even put on their dinner bathrobes, Siggy and Dolores go to Melissa and Folletto to explain that Jacqueline is planning on leaving because she was threatened by Robyn, and tell them that they need to ask Robyn and Christina to leave. They’re just looking out for Teresa: Robyn’s a liability, and since she’s still on probation, Teresa doesn’t need to be around someone so erratic. Folletto laughs at the soap opera-ness of it all, and I’m sorry, WHAT? Does Folletto know where he is right now? Is he an amnesiac?  Did he suffer some sort of head injury while Teresa was in meatball prison? YOU’RE ON THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW JERSEY, FOLLETTO. THIS IS YOUR LIFE, FOLLETTO.

Siggy and Dolores then report back to Jacqueline that they have set this into motion, and Jacqueline begins crying about how much she loves Teresa and that she’s on her period.

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Meanwhile, Melissa goes to Teresa, Robyn and Christina’s villa to let Tre know what is happening and explains within earshot of Robyn and Christina that the other women want Robyn to leave. Teresa insists that her amici are going nowhere, and if Jacqueline is so uncomfortableshe can go home already. But having overheard the whole thing, Robyn and Christina are like, “WE OUT.” They pack their things and leave.

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So everyone remaining on the trip heads to dinner, where Teresa points out the two empty chairs at the table to Jacqueline. In turn, Jacqueline shrugs that she didn’t ask Robyn and Christina to leave, but the truth is she did feel threatened by Robyn after she promised to “rage on [her] ass.” Teresa, who has been spending a lot of time with lawyers in recent years and has picked up a few things, responds by asking Jacqueline if she was so frightened of Robyn, could she explain to the court why she chose to sit on Robyn’s lap? CASE DISMISSED.

Jacqueline counters that Teresa didn’t see how the entire fight began, that Robyn was the one who started it, and anyway, which of them has Teresa known longer? Jacqueline’s been in Teresa’s life for forever, whereas she’s known this Robyn woman for what? 10 minutes? Jacqueline, frustrated, stands to leave, but is convinced by everyone to stay and explain how the whole fight started.

Jacqueline instead announces that she doesn’t care how it started — she cares about how it ended — with her sitting on Robyn’s lap, smirking, trying to antagonize her, as Teresa points out. Jacqueline responds by saying that she’s not the crazy table-flipping bitch here, and Teresa, completely calm, points out that she’s not flipping any tables right now, is she?

Jacqueline then accuses Teresa of wanting Robyn to be another one of her “soldiers,” and, youse guys, why did it take me so long to figure out that this is a mafia reference? How am I just now figuring this out? What is wrong with my brain?

mafia-structure

Do I have whatever brain injury Folletto has?

ANYWAY. Jacqueline accuses Robyn of being another of Teresa’s soldiers, just like the ones who set Melissa up with Strippergate. Speaking of someting that no one had been talking about: didn’t Jac warn Melissa as soon as she learned about what Kim D and that cheap Howie Mandel impersonator were up to? Well, Melissa, didn’t she? DIDN’T SHE?

But Melissa, stunned and confused that she’s being dragged into this all of a sudden, doesn’t answer, while Jacqueline screams at her to ANSWER THE QUESTION, IT’S A YES OR NO QUESTION, ANSWER IT. When Melissa refuses to answer, Jacqueline calls her a fake phony bitch about 15 times and adds that maybe everything Teresa said about Melissa was right.

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Jacqueline then takes out her phone to drag Kim D into this, because that’s what we need right now, Kim D. Jacqueline keeps pounding on Melissa, calling her a fake phony bitch and accuses her of having four nosejobs …

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… which Jac knows (nose) because she goes to the same doctor. Eventually, Melissa admits that yes, Jacqueline did warn her about what was about to happen at the Poshce fashion show, to which Teresa replies that Jacqueline probably told her because she probably knew about it ahead of time, whereas Teresa had no idea what was going on.

Teresa adds that she doesn’t like the way Jac is getting in Melissa’s face, that she feels threatened, to which Jacqueline jumps up and mockingly yells, “I FEEL THREATENED!” before adding, “You fucking criminal…” and storming out of the restaurant.

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As Laurita and Jacqueline drive back to the villas, Laurita assures Jacqueline that she was in the right: she hadn’t even sat down before she was being attacked. Laurita then adds that Teresa and Melissa, now that they are amici again, have no use for Jacqueline. Jacqueline marvels that she’s not crying for the first time in who even knows how long, and decides that this must mean she is now and forever done with il Meatballs e il Folletto.

Back at the restaurant, Siggy tries to insist that Jacqueline became so angry because she loves Teresa just that much, and that she felt betrayed that Teresa would stand up for these relative strangers over her. But Teresa, she is not interested, especially with Jacqueline screaming that she is “the C word,” right here, in public.

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When Siggy keeps insisting that Jacqueline is fragile, Teresa protests that she’s the fragile one, to which Dolores sneers, “No, you’re not.” And then Teresa has to remind everyone that MEATBALL IS GOING TO MEATBALL PRISON AND SHE’S SPENDING ONE OF HIS LAST WEEKENDS HOME AWAY FROM HIM AND WITH JACQUELINE ONLY TO HAVE HER CALL TERESA THE C-WORD. SO YEAH, MAYBE SHE’S THE FRAGILE ONE, YOU STUGATS.

When Siggy and Dolores return to the villa they are sharing with Jacqueline, they find her perfectly calm and talking about having clarity, that she no longer wants Teresa and Melissa’s “toxicity” in her life. They don’t deserve to have her in their lives. And Dolores and Siggy are both all, “OK THEN.”

As Jacqueline heads off to bed, Siggy announces to Dolores that she can’t help these people, and she’s out. She’s done. If they want to act like animals, HAVE AT IT LADIES. She’s going home. If New Jersey weren’t 8 hours away, she’d start walking now.

Meanwhile, Teresa calls Meatball to report that Jacqueline called her the C-Word …

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… and to dampen his tiny meatball erection that we learn he was sporting when she called.

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The next morning, after Jacqueline, Laurita and Folletto all head back to New Jersey, Teresa and Melissa check in with Siggy and Dolores who are like, “Yeah, this has been a God damned nightmare, we’re out, too.” Siggy tries to explain to an incredulous Teresa and Melissa that she just can’t handle all this stress, she’s about peace, not war, but Teresa and Melissa keep pushing that they should stay! They’ll go up the gondola! Something about horses! Dolores snaps, and starts screaming that she’s FUCKING HAD ENOUGH OF THIS FUCKING NONSENSE AND SHE NEEDS TO FUCKING GO THE FUCK HOME. This, Teresa and Melissa understand and are like, “Cool, cool, cool, we’ll just go enjoy some cognata time by ourselves.”

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So, Teresa and Melissa ride up on the gondola together, where Teresa becomes emotional about Meatball going to meatball prison and Melissa comforts her by saying she’ll get through it and they’ll have lots of grandbambini together. Hopefully not anytime soon, GABAGOOL. And then they take selfies.

Meanwhile, back in New Jersey, Jacqueline has Kathy over to the house where she tells the whole Vermont story. Kathy worries that Jacqueline and Teresa are about to throw their friendship away over something so struppiau, but Jacqueline insists she’s done, especially since she called Teresa the C-Word.

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The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Sundays on Bravo at 7/8 CST.

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