‘Hawaii Five-0’: From Hawaii, with Love

Hawaii Five-0
“No Ke Ali’i Wahine A Me Ka ‘Aina”
September 30, 2016

Jin starts his morning by braiding little Sarah’s hair and assploding every ovary in a 10 mile radius. She turns her giant doe eyes on him and quietly asks why she has to go live with someone else. She wants to live with him. All of the feels. And, scene.

Moonlight and Caano are at the home of Alicia Brown, retired FBI behavioral analyst and profiler. The Serial Killing Serial Killer was in McG’s home. IT’S PERSONAL NOW. He thinks the chess piece is a taunt, but Alicia disagrees. The piece left behind was a knight, not a pawn like the others. She thinks S2K2 admires McG and sees him as a potentially powerful and dangerous adversary. So Moonlight’s got that going for him.

He invites Alicia to join the team temporarily, but she turns him down flat. She’s retired. Her answer is no. Good luck and good day. SHE SAID GOOD DAY. Moonlight leaves the chess piece behind on his way out. Alicia isn’t the only one who knows from getting inside someone’s head.

She later returns the piece to Moonlight – along with a brief she’s prepared on HPD homicide detective Philip Lao. He was conducting off-the-books investigations of the three killed killers, Hein, Larsen, and Shaw. She tells them Lao shot and killed himself six months earlier ( … or did he?) She wishes them luck again. Now she’s really, really done with them ( … or is she?)

An elevator door opens on a man who looks like he was grown in a lab from the combined DNA of Harvey Keitel and Jason Issacs. He flashes a poker chip and is admitted entry to the private penthouse party. After a quick case of the place, he breaks into a locked office and makes straight for the wall safe. His super high tech safe cracking thingie has it open within seconds. He finds a few stacks of papers and a tacky ceramic tchotchke.

On his way to the exit, Not!Bond stops to flirt with a woman at the coat check. Yeah, he totes just slipped that little figurine into her pocket. And not a moment too soon. Not!Bond is swarmed by security. Party host Osiris from the Supernatural Season 7 episode “Defending Your Life” tells them to get rid of Not!Bond and tear the penthouse apart.

Not!Bond goes Not!Bourne on security and slips off to rendezvous with the coat check lady, Costa Mitchell. She turns up dead the next morning with his DNA under her fingernails. New ME Meilani Noelani IDs him through Interpol as disgraced and disavowed MI6 agent Harry Langford.

The team get a hit on him, and Moonlight and Caano conduct a high speed cargument in pursuit. Caano is again with the liver thing and I really do expect McG to cut it out, give it back to him, and be done. Caano says he’s going to hold the liver over Moonlight’s head forever, “or until we die in a spectacular car crash three minutes from now!” Moonlight rolls his eyes so hard they roll right out of his head and now there’s two more organs he’s in need of. THESE THINGS DON’T JUST GROWN ON TREES, STEVEN.

They chase Harry into a warehouse laundry facility, where he gets the jump on McG. Fight fight struggle fight. It’s a pretty interesting scene, a battle of technique versus brute force. Caano strolls up on them just as Harry is wrapping Moonlight up in a sleeper hold. Harry releases and smirks, calling it a draw. McG elbows him in the face.

In the blue room of interrogation, Caano says Roger Moore was his favorite Bond. He knows it’s a minority opinion, but he grew up watching him, so. He guesses Harry is more of a Daniel Craig man. “I suppose we can’t all be Sean Connery.”

connery-snl-suck-it-trebek

Harry asks for a cup of tea while they wait for his government to insist on his extradition. It’s Moonlight’s turn to smirk. Yeah, things don’t work like that on this island.

Caano shows Harry a photo of Casta’s body. They think he murdered her while recovering the $20 million in diamonds hidden in the ceramic dust collector. Harry shows them the deep scratch marks on his back from his sexy times with Casta. He insists she was alive when he left her.

He then tells them time of the essence blah blah deep undercover national security blah. Moonlight says if Harry’s story checks out they’ll release him. But there’s a catch. This is their island, son. If Harry is going to be operating on it, he does so under 50’s supervision. Whatever he is doing, they are now involved.

Harry debriefs the team on his target – Nasheed Al Hamidi, the mastermind behind the UK embassy bombing in Madrid in 2012. British Intelligence intercepted negotiations between Al Hamidi and Osiris from Season 7 of Supernatural for the Greystone, a next generation decryption tool capable of cracking any computer network. Harry was at the party to intercept the device, but the hand off occurred first.

Plan B was to offer Osiris from Season 7 of Supernatural the diamonds in exchange for the name of Al Hamidi’s courier, and then grab him up before he could make delivery. Osiris is due to be at a fancy black tie party in two hours. “I hope you got your tux pressed.”

Hurley comes in to return all of Harry’s cool spy devices. Harry asks if Hurley fiddled with his watch at all. Maybe? “Well, it’s a good thing you brought it back to me when you did. Another three minutes and this building would have been reduced to rubble.” Spy humour. So droll.

The team suit up and assemble. Grover complains that the dry cleaners shrunk his tux. Boomer, naturally, is the bait. I would complain about the sexism of Boomer always being used as the sexy decoy, but she’s a Cylon, so she’s the most capable of handling herself if shit goes sideways. It’s just science really.

Boomer sexily lures Osiris out to the balcony. Two security goons follow him. Boomer tuts that she thought they might have some alone time. Osiris reminds her she didn’t say to come alone. No. She didn’t. Cue Moonlight and Harry ninjaing onto the balcony. McG places Osiris under arrest for Casta’s murder. But first, he’s going to tell them the courier’s identity. Osiris snarks back that he senses an ‘or’ coming.

Oh, kitten. You did not just tell Steven Tiberius McGarrett that you want to do this the hard way.

Since there are no sharks at hand, Osiris finds himself dangling from the balcony. The old school is the best school. Hey, remember when this kind of thing was met by outrage – OUTRAGE I TELL YOU! – from Caano? Now he calmly stands by noshing on fancy snacks. It’s lobster. He says it’s pretty good. Moonlight asks if he can try some tasty crustacean and lets go of Osiris’ leg.

Harry says he enjoys shellfish as much as the next bloke, but he’s losing his grip. They haul Osiris up. He tells them a Moroccan called Amir Rabbab has the Greystone … and he’s already on his way to Europe.

Caano puts a steadying hand on Moonlight’s shoulder and asks if he’s alright. He explains that McG is upset that Harry has his own jet and McG doesn’t get to fly it. Moonlight has control issues, you see. McG privatejetguments that he simply likes to drive, unlike Caano who likes to be chauffeured everywhere. Caano counters that he’s never given a choice in the matter before bringing it back to the liver.

simpsons-liver

“Not my fault. Wasn’t my fault. Not my fault.”

Oh, and also, McG is a bullet magnet.

“Hmpf. Wish you’d have mentioned that before I asked you two boys to come with.”

Jin radios in to tell them they have one hour before Rabbab hands off the Greystone. They land in Prague, mobilize a strike team, and disrupt the meet – only Rabbab doesn’t have the device. It’s already being used to shut down the cooling systems of every nuclear reactor in Europe. They’re all in danger of going critical and raining radiation over the whole of the continent.

Jin says they’ll have coordinates on the Greystone within the hour, but that’s not good enough. DAMMIT! THERE’S NO TIME! Moonlight walks back into the interrogation room carrying a car battery, jumper cables, and a pail of water.

Harry explains he is bound by certain rules of conduct, so McG – to whom no rules apply – will be conducting the interview. “Cheers, then.” Moonlight strikes the leads together, creating a theatrical, and bowel loosening, spray of sparks. Rabbat is suddenly feeling chatty.

The strike team raid the warehouse with less then 4 minutes to meltdown. SHOOTING SHOOTING SHOOTING SHOOTING. 3 minutes to meltdown. Harry pulls the Greystone from the laptop. Nothing happens. Dude, you’ve gotta click the thingie to properly eject the drive. Moonlight makes a move to the keyboard and Caano is all like,

no-touching-arrested-development

Harry keys in a code and locks the system.

“Uh oh.”

“Uh oh? What is that? Is that British for everything’s okay or what?”

Harry says he can’t shut it down. Moonlight warns them to watch their eyes before CTL-ALT-DEL ing WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE.

“I fixed it.”

“YOU FIXED IT?”

While Caano and McG nuclearapocalypsegument, Harry checks his ‘Are We All Going to Die Today’ app. The reactors have stabilized. Moonlight is all like, SEE? I SHUT IT DOWN. I DID GOOD.

“You’re a caveman. And God bless you.”

With their work here done, Caano suggests they make a stop in London. There’s a pub there with the best fish and chips you’ve ever had in your life. Rachel took him there on their first anniversary. I met Eric Clapton in a chip shop in London once. I asked him for his autograph, but didn’t actually have anything for him to sign. I think I just assumed that famous people carry sharpies and 8×10 color glossies with them. He was apologetic as he said, “Well, I haven’t got pen or paper and my chips are getting cold.”

These are true facts.

Anyhoo, Moonlight balks at the idea of a taking a victory lap through Caano’s happy memories with his ex-wife. It’s a path to disaster that will just make his partner sad. Moonlight doesn’t want that for Caano. Danny says that’s why McG is going to give him the joy of watching him drive on the wrong side of the road. It will bring a smile to his face.

Moonlight stops listening when he notices Harry slipping away – with the Greystone. Langford’s next stop is Peshawar, Pakistan. The man who meets him thinks he’s buying the Greystone. Instead, Harry forces the man at gunpoint to drive him to Al Hamidi’s compound. On the way, they come upon two men standing in the road by a broken down car.

It’s totally Moonlight and Caano, because of course it is.

Turns out when Hurley was fiddling with Harry’s watch, he placed a small GPS tracker in it. Moonlight says they know Harry’s wife was one of the victims in the Madrid bombing. They know this is a revenge mission. But they both also know exactly how Harry feels, which is why they’re going with him.

Moonlight, Caano, and the commando team they just pull out of their baggy trousers, apparently? That’s totally a page from the Seal Team 6 playbook. SHOOTING SHOOTING SHOOTING SHOOTING. Harry draws down on Al Hamidi, but Moonlight talks him down. You know you’re in a dark place when McG is the voice of reason in the room. In the end, it’s Moonlight who fires the killing shot when Al Hamidi goes for his gun.

Harry takes what peace from it he can. He brings flowers to his wife’s grave in a London cemetery. He tells Moonlight she was the only one he ever really let in. McG says he’s got one of those. Harry wonders if there’s any chance of getting her back. Moonlight gives a sad shake of his head. He says no.

And y’all, can we just talk a minute about McG’s necktie? What is happening with that knot? It looks like he was trying to replicate Harry’s Van Wijk knot and just … didn’t. Sweetie, that is. Not. Fashion!

Caano ambles up and is he getting married? What is happening in this scene? I mean, he’s rocking the gray morning suit (they’re all rocking the suits hardcore) but he looks like he’s about to do a photo shoot for Modern Bride.

Caano asks Harry if he thinks “she” will have fish and chips. For a minute I thought he meant Harry’s wife. NO CAANO, SHE WON’T. SHE’S DEAD. SHE DOESN’T HAVE FISH AND CHIPS. SHE WON’T HAVE ANY MORE FISH AND CHIPS EVER.

But no, Caano is speaking of Queen Freaking Elizabeth II, because their next stop is Buckingham Palace. Moonlight asks Caano how his tie is. Caano says it looks the same as the last two times McG asked, which is to say, A HOT MESS AND AN EMBARRASSMENT TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE. Caano asks Moonlight to please stop asking. Moonlight shushes him. And then an extra in a pink Chanel suit with a terrible, high pitched Monty Python accent awards all three men the George Cross, because that is totally a thing that would happen.

Oh, show. Silly silly show.

This is Whitney, inviting you to be with us next week. Be here, Friday at 8:00 p.m. on CBS.  Aloha.

Whitney is also watching Supernatural and Timeless. Follow her on twitter @Watcher_Whitney.

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