‘The Real Housewives of New Jersey’: Famiglia reunion

The Real Housewives of New Jersey
“Driving Miss Siggy”
September 11, 2016

We begin with Siggy’s son coming home after passing his driver’s test, and immediately demanding a car. As the mother of a 15-year-old who is counting down the days until his 16th birthday, I feel your pain, Siggy. I feel it.

Later, Siggy, Siggy’s Ex-Husband, Siggy’s Ex-Husband’s New Wife, Siggy’s Ex-Husband’s New Son and Son all go to Delmonico’s to celebrate Son’s 17th birthday. There, Son bitches about his mother being too affectionate with him and Siggy cries thinking about him when he was a baby. I FEEL YOUR PAIN, SIGGY. I FEEL IT.

After dinner, Siggy and Siggy’s Ex-Husband gives their son a SUV of some sort, obviously. Son seems genuinely appreciative even though Siggy’s current husband owns a car dealership and there was no real mystery as to whether or not he was going to receive a new car, come on, guys, be real.

As for Dolores’ boring-ass storyline: she yells at her son for not texting her back fast enough before making him move furniture around. Later she goes to her gym where her partner tells her it’s her job to bring in more female clients. To this end, she suggests that they turn weekend nights into “ladies’ nights,” where women can work out for free — clearly not understanding that the point of a “ladies’ night” is actually to bring in more paying male clientele. So unless their actual goal is to bring in men who are willing to pay for memberships so as to ogle women while they work out, I’m not sure this is much of a plan.

Over in Melissa’s world, Folletto has yet to adapt to Melissa not waiting on him hand and foot, bitches if he has to even marginally help her out, and acts like a giant infant when he is forced to make sandwiches for his children’s lunches. When Melissa comes home from the boutique, Folletto sits her down to whine at her about how hard it has been for him since she started working. Why, he has to parent his own bambini sometimes! But no, he’s not interested in hiring a nanny or even someone to drive the kids around. And anyway, it’s not like she brings home any real income, not like he does, so why can’t she just put her own ambitions aside and stay home and cook him dinner? WHYYYYYYYYY?

Melissa is not amused.

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Later, Siggy visits Melissa, and Melissa complains about her “old school” husband who wants her to sit around their empty house all day doing nothing while the kids are in school and he’s off at work. Siggy agrees that this is ridiculous, but suggests that maybe Melissa cook him dinner every once in awhile to show him that she’s making an effort in this marriage.

Alternatively, she could tell Folletto to grow the fuck up, quit whining and do his share of the parenting so that they can have a more equal relationship.

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But Melissa takes Siggy’s advice and invites her entire famiglia over for Sunday dinner. And it’s nice! Famiglia is nice, but one big famiglia dinner is probably not going to keep Folletto bitching on the following Wednesday night when she doesn’t run home at 3 to make sure that there is chicken cacciatore waiting for him when he comes home from work.

As for Teresa, she takes the girls to Jacqueline’s casa where Mortadella shows a streak of kindness and empathy with Nick, prompting Teresa to call her a “little Meatball”: tough on the outside, soft on the inside. And aside from the fact that Mortadella is 30 times smarter than her padre and that he has never demonstrated a sliver of empathy EVER, they are exactly the same. Jacqueline and Teresa get all emotional about Nick and Meatball and how their lives aren’t turning out exactly how they expected, but hey, they’re amici again, right! Best amici forever! Nothing is going to change that!

Later, Teresa and Meatball go to some weird yoga-massage parlor where they are rubbed by some ladies while Meatball disavows Teresa of her belief that their daughters didn’t know where she had been for the past year. “They thought I was writing a book …  in prison camp … where I was ‘working’,” Teresa insists. Yeah, because they didn’t have the internet, or friends, or basic skills of deduction.

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Meanwhile, Dolores swings by Kathy’s new house, which is now finished and inexplicably huge. There, Kathy and Rosie complain to Dolores that Teresa has been excluding them, and that they’ve only seen her twice since she’s returned from “camp.” Kathy then reveals that Victoria’s brain tumor has come back, that she fainted twice the other day. OH NO! Victoria is such a nice girl! Get well soon, Victoria!

Anyway, this health crises reminded the sisters that you have to appreciate that every day is a gift, and that you shouldn’t let little things come between you and your loved ones. To that end, Kathy and Rosie plan to attend Teresa’s upcoming book signing, invited or not, and Dolores is like, “I mean … if youse guys think that’s a good idea …”

So everyone heads to this book signing — except Siggy who is busy giving her entitled son a fancy new car — and on the way, Dolores informs Jacqueline of Kathy and Rosie’s intention to confront Teresa. “OH THAT IS A TERRIBLE IDEA,” Jacqueline and Laurita agree. “THAT IS A TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE IDEA.”

For the most part, the book signing goes well. Teresa’s fans come out in force, Tre writes nice messages in Folletto’s and Melissa’s books respectively, Meatball seems to be enjoying himself, va tutto bene.

And then Kathy and Rosie walk in with their copies of Tre’s book, march right up to the table and finally congratulate her … since they weren’t invited to do so at her book launch party. Kathy mentions that she texted Teresa but never heard back, which Teresa denies: she’s pretty sure she texted back? because she always textses back? or maybe she has a new phone now? and Kathy doesn’t have that number? yeah, that must be it, because Tre always textses back, always. Rosie then invites Teresa to go to lunch with herself and Kathy, maybe Folletto, if Tre wants to bring him, and in response, Teresa stares at her for a full minute with her mouth hanging open, before finally saying, “Uhhhhh … no? Hows about no.”

Rosie then goes over to Meatball and confesses that she said some maybe not so great things about himself and Teresa on New Year’s Eve, and she’s very sorry and she cares and loves him very much, she was just hurt she was left out of their famiglia’s celebration. “Oh, that’s OK. I understand, it’s been a difficult time. But I know you were always there for me while Teresa was away, and so all is forgiven,” Meatball most definitely did not say, choosing instead to storm off while mumbling that he’s “tired of this bullshit.”

So this whole famiglia reconciliation thing is going just swimmingly. Swimmingly! I’m sure they’ll all be best amici again in no time at all.

deep-sigh_project-runway

The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Sundays on Bravo at 7/8 CST.

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