The Real Housewives of New Jersey
August 14, 2016
For an episode billed as A GRANDE FIGHT BETWEEN TERESA AND JACQUELINE, I can not begin to stress how much of this episode is actually devoted to Melissa’s kids being in a dumb fashion show, yous guys. If I had to break it down, this episode was 5% Siggy giving her kids grief, 1% something about Dolores and a gym that I DO NOT CARE ABOUT, 8% Teresa and Jacqueline having a fight and 9,000% Melissa and this dumb kids’ fashion show.
So yeah, the episode begins with Melissa calling Teresa and inviting her and Mortadella to watch a “New York Fashion Week” fashion show that Stugats, Fagioli and Little Joey are going to be walking in, and Teresa is like, “Sure. I mean Mortadella might have liked to have been asked to be in the fashion show, but yeah, sure, we’ll come watch your kids have their big moment or whatever. It’s fine. It’s great. It’s fine.”
The Folletto bambini have fittings and a rehearsal which is exactly as interesting as a child’s fashion show rehearsal sounds like it would be.
And then the fashion show happens. The children wear clothes and they walk down the runway. No one falls down, no weaves are pulled, no punches are thrown.
And then the Follettos and Teresa and Mortadella go out to dinner together and everyone is nice to one another.
Elsewhere, Dolores’ dog has kidney failure and she’s opening a new gym or something.
As for Siggy, she stops by Jacqueline’s house to complain about her 13-year-old daughter posting bikini photos of herself on Instagram (NOPE, SHUT THAT SHIT DOWN.), and about the general frisson in their mother-daughter relationship. And then Jacqueline reminds us that Teresa is coming over for dinner later that week, so EVERYBODY GET READY.
Later, Jacqueline swings by Laurita’s office to talk autism popcorn and Teresa, and Laurita is all, “Look, be cool, and try to remember that Teresa and Meatball are going through stuff right now and she might bring the pazzo but that’s just because she’s stressed.” Jacqueline forgets what he just said before he is even finished saying it.
As for Siggy, her daughter gets her dumb self thrown into detention for using her phone in school, so Siggy announces that the phone is being confiscated indefinitely. “Sure it is,” says Daughter. “Buy me donuts,” says Daughter.
Later, Siggy takes Daughter and Son to dinner at some diner where Son reveals that their father allows them to stay at his house and have friends over when Dad is out of town. Siggy, understandably aghast at this, rants that she doesn’t get to be the fun parent because SOMEONE HAS TO BE THE PARENT PARENT.
The kids then make her just sit and listen to them for five minutes without responding where they inform her that she can’t always be in charge and she can’t have everything her way all the time. And Siggy cries instead of being all, “AW HELL NO. I’M THE ADULT AND YOU ARE THE CHILDREN AND YOU CAN HAVE EVERYTHING YOUR WAY ALL THE TIME ONCE YOU ARE OUT OF MY HOUSE AND PAYING YOUR OWN DAMN BILLS. BUT UNTIL THEN, THIS IS SIGGY’S WORLD, AND YOU’D BEST GET USED TO IT,” the way I would have been. And as the mother of a 15-year-old and a 12-year-old, I definitely speak from experience. This is some God damned nonsense right here.
Finally, the Laurita-Meatball dinner — or would-be dinner as SPOILER ALERT! no dinner is eaten. We spend an interminable amount of time watching the Meatballs get ready for the dinner: the Meatball bambini fighting, Teresa putting on her makeup, Meatball loading up a wheeled wine suitcase with 9 or 10 bottles of wine to take over for dinner. Which is so many bottles of wine for dinner! You might say it’s WAY TOO MANY BOTTLES OF WINE FOR DINNER. Look, I am a wine drinker, no doubt, and I have definitely been known to put away too many bottles of wine over dinner with friends, BUT NEVER 9 BOTTLES OF WINE WITH 3 OTHER FRIENDS. Madonn’, Meatball is going to die of liver damage long before he can get to jail.
So they arrive at the Lauritas’, and after visiting with the Laurita kids — the elusive C.J., seen on camera about as often as the elusive Sfogliatelle, and the adorable Nick who is making tremendous progress in his speech and interactions — Meatball and Laurita immediately head to the bar, because all that wine is not going to drink itself.
This leaves the signore alone in the kitchen where they discuss Melissa’s grand opening, and how relieved they were that nothing happened for a change. Teresa begins talking about how she just wants to get along with everyone and get rid of the “toxic” people in her life and not rehash the past.
Which, of course, is exactly what happens. Somehow Teresa and Jacqueline’s last big argomento over the tabloid reports that Teresa was going to jail gets dragged into the kitchen. Tre complains she felt ganged up on by Jac and Caroline, and Jacqueline counters that Teresa should have just been honest with her.
There’s a lot of confusing back and forth about what Teresa knew about her legal situation and when she knew it. But instead of just saying, “You know what, Jacqueline, I did lie to you. But I lied to you because my lawyers ordered me to not discuss my legal problems with anyone, much less on camera for a nationally broadcast series, come on, be reasonable.” — Instead of doing that, Teresa goes into deep Southern Italian mode and accuses Jacqueline of being disloyal for even asking the questions in the first place. Real amici wouldn’t do such a thing.
1. Teresa is an idiot and 2. Teresa is her own worst enemy which 3. goes a long way in explaining how she found herself in prison.
Then out of nowhere, Jacqueline claims that Folletto told her not to trust his sorella, which sets Teresa back on her heels for a moment. She begins to insist that this can’t possibly be true, adding that Folletto told HER not to trust JAC, SO THERE. Jacqueline decides they should just call Folletto and clear this up right now, and proceeds to do so to Teresa’s horror. Folletto, finding himself dragged into the middle of this, basically says, “I don’t remember what I might have said? Uh, maybe? But that was back when my sorella and I weren’t exactly getting along, so…”
After Jacqueline hangs up with Folletto, Teresa again insists that she wants loyal, non-toxic people in her life, and notes that when Jacqueline and Laurita were going through their own legal issues, she never asked her about them. Jacqueline responds that her legal issues were never criminal — she and Laurita never filed for fraudulent bankruptcy like il Meatballs did.
This is entirely true, but for Teresa it is also a “LOW FUCKING BLOW.” With this, Teresa begins screaming at Meatball that they have to GO. NOW. SHE’S HAD ENOUGH. JACQUELINE JUST HIT BELOW THE BELT. IT’S TIME TO GO HOME. Meatball, who is enjoying his wine, tries to convince his moglie to stay, but she begins yelling THAT’S FINE, SHE’LL TAKE AN UBER. JACQUELINE IS PAZZO, AND TRE CAN’T WITH THIS. WOWOWOWOWOWOWOW.
So, poor Meatball goes to find his wine suitcase and load up all remaining 8 bottles and rolls it sadly out to the car while Teresa continues ranting that SHE CAN NOT LOOK AT JACQUELINE FOR ONE MORE SECOND.
As they drive home, Teresa grumbles about Jacqueline’s betrayal and how she just doesn’t see how they can be amici again. Meanwhile, Meatball decides that the safest option for him at this point is just to agree with whatever she’s saying. “Yeah, what a bitch,” he mumbles, counting down the minutes until he can crawl back into his wine suitcase.
The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Sundays on Bravo at 7/8 CST.