‘The Real Housewives of New York City’: Close your legs to married men

The Real Housewives of New York
Reunion, Part 1
August 31, 2016

It’s reunion time again, darlings: that magical end of any Real Housewives‘ season, where after pouring pre-show champagne down their gullets, Andy Cohen herds all the ladies into a room full of couches and well-Vaselined cameras, and begins the ritual Picking at the Scabs. Make sure you’ve got extra security, a clear path from which to dramatically stomp from the couch, some tequila, and put Dorinda’s birthday cake away, and let’s get started. 

There’s so much to get to with this reunion that Andy Cohen just speeds right through his traditional greetings, forgoing most of his usual commentary on what the women are wearing and how they look — which is only a shame because I have a lot of questions about the 19th century pioneer woman Princess Carole stole her dress from.

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Where to even begin with this.  (Photo by: Charles Sykes/Bravo)

Instead Andy Cohen jumps right into it, beginning by acknowledging and kissing The Countess’ 38-carat engagement ring. Andy Cohen then asks about the state of Bethenny’s never-ending divorce. Update: Bethenny is still not divorced. In what I can honestly not tell is a dig or not, The Countess asks how long the divorce has been dragging on (4 years) compared to how long Bethenny was actually married (2 years) — but it’s interesting information either way! (Since the reunion taped, Bethenny and the Ex finalized the divorce, apparently. Mazel!) As for who Bethenny is dating now, she’d rather not get into that, Andy Cohen. LOL LOL SURE. NO PROBLEM. WE DEFINITELY WILL JUST LEAVE THAT ALONE.

Andy Cohen makes sure to address the fact that Jules’ husband recently filed for divorce, but let’s be honest:¯\_(ツ)_/¯.

We begin the proper reunioning with a Dorinda and Fudgie montage. Dorinda admits that while they were filming some of those fights, she was actively plotting her exit from the show. This leads me to wonder how many other Housewives across the different franchises have harbored similar fantasies, and how many of them just spend their time scheming up ways to never ever EVER be fired. (All of them.)

The Countess asks Dorinda if Fudgie was embarrassed upon watching himself back this season, and she says that yes, he was, but Fudgie being Fudgie, he tried to justify his behavior first instead of just looking at himself and saying, “Christ, what an asshole,” like the rest of America.

A viewer asks Bethenny about saying that Dorinda is always “selling” Fudgie to the Housewives, but Viewer has never seen Dorinda do so on the show. PROVE IT, FRANKEL. Instead, Dorinda makes some metaphor about cops and speeding tickets until The Countess swoops in and argues that Fudgie just wants to be accepted by the group. And to get some free publicity for his dry cleaning business, but mostly acceptance.

Another viewer asks Dorinda what it is about Fudgie that rubs people the wrong way, and instead of just saying that he uses the word “moist” in public and leave it at that, Dorinda tries to claim that the people who knew her before compare him to her dead husband and that the two men are very different people. And that might be true! I don’t know! All I know is that  Fudgie rubs me the wrong way because he’s handsy and boorish and a bully and looks like he’s slobbery and I have never even met this intellectual gentleman of a dead husband of hers, so.

Dorinda then begins yelling at Princess Carole for writing in her blog that someone needs to “put an apple in Fudgie’s mouth” like he was a roasted pig, AND SHE THOUGHT THAT WAS JUST MEAN. Hilariously, however, that is not what Her Royal Sereneness wrote. In fact, what our Princess of Poland wrote was suggesting that they give Fudgie an apple — as in the symbolic apples the Housewives hold in the open — because he brings as much drama as anyone.

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But let’s be honest, he’d probably try to eat it.

“Oh,” Dorinda realizes, “and all these months I thought …” But this flicker of self-realization is quickly snuffed out as Sonja begins yapping that she’s known Fudgie longer than anyone, and sniffs that frankly he’s just not acceptable in certain circles.

A viewer asks Ramona what she could have POSSIBLY been thinking when she brought up the whole Viagra story to Dorinda at her own party, and Ramona is like “I knew it would make good TV, whaddya I’m gonna do, not use it?” very apologetic and agrees that it was hurtful, but adds that God bless Dorinda if she is getting banged all night — even if it is by that slobbery whale.

Andy Cohen then specifically asks Bethenny if she was suggesting that Fudgie and Dorinda were doing coke when she was talking about blow and rails. Bethenny, tense as a trapped animal, admits that she was talking about cocaine, but immediately tries to shut down further conversation, not wanting to accuse Dorinda of doing illicit drugs on national television. In an unprecedented — and very telling — show of solidarity, all the other women agree that this particular line of conversation needs to be just down … all but Sonja who sneers, “everybody knows you do drugs,” at Dorinda.

opreah blessed

A viewer asks Dorinda the question that The Countess asked earlier: Does Fudgie regret his behavior upon watching the season back? While Dorinda assures everyone that he does, The Countess and Bethenny start sniping back and forth about how The Countess is “the gift that keeps giving” and “never misses an opportunity to step in shit” which is all true! But I’m unclear on what that has to do with Fudgie.

Andy Cohen asks Bethenny to reflect on her behavior towards Fudgie at her birthday party, and she’s like, “I don’t know, it was rude? I wish I hadn’t invited him? I wish that I had been on drugs?” Which, to be fair, is a common response to each and every one of these people.

A viewer asks The Countess about her claims that her relationship with the Drunk Croat was a “quick fling” considering she WENT TO EUROPE WITH HIM. In response, The Countess again claims that she only went out on three dates with him, without ever clarifying what a “date” constitutes. Everyone has their own definition, certainly, but when you have to fly to another continent to hang out with someone, in my mind it’s something more than a “quick fling.”

A viewer asks Ramona why after she promised to not fight with Dorinda about Fudgie anymore, she would turn around and defend Rey the Drunk Croat at Fudgie’s fancy dry cleaning party. Ramona’s defense is that she didn’t realize that Rey the Drunk Croat had been menacing The Countess, and that for reasons she can’t explain (several glasses of Pinot Ramona on top of a couple of tequila shots) she became protective of him.

And then everyone agrees that Fudgie did the right thing by kicking the Drunk Croat out of the party, just maybe he shouldn’t have done it by screaming at Ramona and waggling his Vienna Sausage fingers in her face.

A viewer then asks Dorinda how Fudgie reacted when she said that she didn’t see spending the rest of her life with him, and she shrugs that it was no big deal. Look, they’ve got a thing that works for them so enough with the marriage talk down there, Sonja. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, wants that to happen, Sonja.

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Andy Cohen moves on to a montage of Ramona enjoying her new single life and — according to Andy Cohen who was clearly watching a different show than we were — being more diplomatic. Andy Cohen then begins asking Ramona about her romantic life, and she explains that she’s just keeping her options open and having fun. There might have been a serious guy or two in there, but she came to realize that after being married for 25 years, she needed some time for herself before jumping back into a commitment. Which is a very reasonable and mature thing for Ramona to say. As for her cheating scumbag of an ex-husband, she and Mario are cordial and can speak to one another without someone being murdered.

 

In other news, Ramona still has no idea how to pronounce the word “reggae.”

A viewer asks Dorinda about the men Ramona has dated that she doesn’t like, and demands that she be specific. Dorinda demurs, while Sonja yells at Dorinda that she has no balls. NAME NAMES, DORINDA, OR GTFO.

The next montage is an ode to the disastrous trip to the Berkshires when Bethenny spent an entire evening screaming at The Countess that she was a whore. Merry Christmas, everyone!

Some viewer with misplaced priorities asks Dorinda how many Santas she owns. IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE REALLY WORRIED ABOUT, VIEWER? YOU WASTED YOUR ONE QUESTION TO ASK ABOUT DORINDA’S SANTA COLLECTION, VIEWER? CONFESS: YOU’RE DORINDA’S SISTER, AREN’T YOU?

Another viewer asks The Countess if she really believes Bethenny stole her hairstyle, and again, who cares? Who cares! WHO CARES WHO CARES WHO CARES. Bethenny CALLED THE COUNTESS A WHORE. TO HER FACE. AND WE’RE GOING TO TALK ABOUT HAIR?

Andy Cohen does point out that it was funny that The Countess had Bethenny’s name misspelled in her phone — and it was! But not as funny as when The Countess had no idea how to spell “pedophile.”

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Never forget.

Oh, and The Countess still doesn’t know how to spell “Bethenny,” but to be fair to The Countess it is an extraordinarily dumb way to spell that name.

 

A viewer asks about Dorinda’s birthday cake and she explains that her mother made the cake, which Dorinda saves to put on top of a cake she makes for her own daughter’s birthday which is two weeks later, and then they eat the whole pile together, which, no? Cake doesn’t last two weeks? Cake goes stale … or worse, and just don’t eat half-month-old cake, you guys. Don’t do that.

Another viewer asks The Countess when watching the season back if she found herself as self-absorbed as the rest of America did when she whined to Jules about the other women being mean to her while Jules was dealing with her ill father. The Countess shrugs that she’s sorry or whatever, look, Jules’ father is still alive, why are we even talking about this, Andy Cohen?

 

 

Andy Cohen then points out to Bethenny that they received a number of comments saying that she slut-shamed The Countess. This sets The Countess off, screaming about how she, for one, doesn’t sleep with married men. I mean, sure, there was that guy in the Turks and Caicos, BUT WHATEVER, BETHENNY IS A HYPOCRITE WHO SLEEPS WITH ACTUAL MARRIED MEN AND NOT VACATION MARRIED MEN, WE ALL KNOW THOSE DON’T COUNT.

This particular can of worms now opened, Bethenny has to explain that the man she has been seeing for a while now is legally separated from his wife, who, FUN FACT! Bethenny went to high school with. It’s fine! Bethenny insists. Everyone is cool about it! Bethenny insists.

But The Countess refuses to let it go, and claims that Bethenny and Married Man had been carrying on long before he separated from his wife, and EVERYONE KNOWS IT! The Countess then calls Bethenny “Sluttygirl,” having clearly been sitting on that one for while. Sonja then chimes in that she’s already trademarked “Sluttygirl.”

opreah blessed

Bethenny tells some weird story about how before they started dating, Bethenny and Married Man were at a platonic dinner together, and she called his wife just to make clear that nothing was going on between the two of them. This story does not actually help her case at all. All I’m saying is that if my husband were at dinner with a bunch of people and some woman I went to high school with and hadn’t talked to in 27 years earlier called me out of the blue to assure me nothing was going on between my husband and herself, I would get into my car and drive down to the restaurant and scratch her eyeballs out, all the while making arrangements with my divorce attorney. Because that’s just a weird suspicious story that is not made any less weird or suspicious when it concludes with, “And now Married Man and I are dating, the end.”

AND AS FOR THE COUNTESS, Bethenny continues, THERE ISN’T A MAN IN MANHATTAN SHE HASN’T SLEPT WITH. To Andy Cohen’s tremendous credit, he asks Bethenny how this isn’t slut shaming, and Bethenny tries to claim that it’s not because The Countess wrote a book this one time.

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Bethenny then mentions the story about how The Countess stole Fiancé Tom from some other woman at a hotel bar — to which The Countess replies that you can’t “steal” a man, that they can go willingly. AND ANYWAY, FIANCÉ TOM LOVES THE COUNTESS AND THE COUNTESS ONLY SO SHOVE IT EVERYONE ELSE BUT ESPECIALLY YOU, BETHENNY.

A viewer asks Bethenny about why she believes it’s ok to scream vulgarities at people as long as she is contrite later on, as she did with The Countess in the Berkshires. Bethenny mumbles something about how she wasn’t just angry about recent events with The Countess, but that her anger had been building up for eight years. The Countess counters that ACTUALLY, Bethenny was angry because BETHENNY’S THE ONE DATING MARRIED MEN.

Bethenny decides to settle this once and for all by calling Married Man’s daughter to prove that she isn’t responsible for the end of his marriage, which Daughter does by saying something or other about a back surgery. I don’t know.

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But Bethenny, triumphant, is all, “SUCK IT, THE COUNTESS,” while The Countess hisses that Bethenny is a horrible, evil, evil person.

Round One: Sonja.

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The Real Housewives of New York airs on Wednesdays at 8/9 p.m. on Bravo.

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