‘The Bachelorette’: The clone wars

The Bachelorette
July 25, 2016

Last we left our lovelorn unicorn, her cowboy suitor and future Bachelor, Luke, had just told her that he was in love with her, having only vaguely alluded to these feelings earlier on his Hometown date. Having already made up her mind to send Cowboy Luke back to the ranch, this revelation sent Jojo the Unicorn into a sparkly blue emotional tailspin, and she cried and cried and cried and cried and cried.

After a lot of tears and a lot of awkwardly squatting on the airport tarmac, Jojo the Unicorn pulls herself together and heads back into the Rose Ceremony.

Rose #1: Aaron Rodgers’ Younger Brother
Rose #2: Fun Robby
Rose #3: Yab Yum

Which means, goodbye (for now) Cowboy Luke. You’re hair just wasn’t nearly poofy enough for our Unicorn, it would seem. And console yourself with the knowledge that she clearly has a type — and you weren’t it.

But we’ll see you come January, packaged either as the Texas Bachelor or the Veteran Bachelor or the Cowboy Bachelor or some sort of combination of all three. For now, Happy Trails.

unicorn boy bye

As for the other three look alikes, they’re off to Thailand to see if Jojo the Unicorn can keep track of which one she’s actually with in the Fantasy Suites.

Her first date is with Fun Robby, whom she meets in a market to point and laugh at all the exotic things they would never eat because ooh, gross, weird. They then make some poor foot massagers rub their feet and watch them as they make out. I’m sorry, Thailand. I apologize on behalf of all of us.

Fun Robby and Jojo the Unicorn then have dinner where she remembers that it was at this stage of the game that she told Bachelor Ben that she loved him. Soooo… why was it so important that the remaining men tell her that they loved her before now? And in fact, at dinner she goes on and on about how “honest” Fun Robby was, as indicated by the fact that he was the first to tell her he was in love with her, back in Uruguay. How this makes him more honest or trustworthy than the other remaining men beats me, but it seems to be enough for her, and as a result she offers him the Fantasy Suite invitation. Fun Robby then talks excitedly about how he no longer has to “dream” about being with Jojo the Unicorn and, dude, just maybe keep some thoughts to yourself, her parents are watching. Gah.

But Fun Robby is at it again, talking about how he wants to be that guy late to work because he doesn’t want to get out of bed with Jojo the Unicorn and how he wants to be that guy who leaves work early because he can’t wait to go home to her and just … let’s stop right there, “Former Competitive Swimmer,” but you have to have a job before you can go to work late and leave early. And, by the way, if you do that, you’re not going to have a job for long — which, come to think of it, probably explains that “career description” of yours.

Next up: Aaron Rodgers’ Younger Brother. Jojo the Unicorn and Aaron Rodgers’ Younger Brother go on what appears to be a Hell Hike, straight up the side of some mountain and then down into a temple carved into a cave. And the hike was gorgeous, I’m sure, and the temple was probably a cool, once-in-a-lifetime experience, but who needs a sweaty mountain walk when there are yacht dates or private island picnics to be had? Come on.

That night over dinner, Aaron Rodgers’ Younger Brother talks about how a guy’s “biggest moment” is asking a girlfriend’s father for permission to marry his daughter and, listen, I know this is a gesture that is super important to a lot of people, it’s a sign of respect and honor and blah blah blah blah BLAH, but there are very few traditions that bother me as much as this one, to be honest. Jojo the Unicorn does not belong to her father, and she does not need her father’s permission to marry whomever she wants and FURTHERMORE, it’s not like her father will have any real idea who either of these guys are when he meets them next week so how is he in any sort of educated position to give his blessing in the first place? And in closing, DOWN WITH THE PATRIARCHY.

feminist killjoyi
Me, basically all the time.

Jojo the Unicorn frets about the possibility of a long-distance relationship with Aaron Rodgers’ Younger Brother, before asking him how he knows that he’s in love with her. “‘Cuz, like, I know and stuff. Like, when I look at you, I feel stuff. And, like, you make me a better man? Somehow? I dunno.” Good enough for Jojo, though, who offers him the Fantasy Suite invitation.

The next morning as Jojo the Unicorn walks endlessly back and forth on the beach in front of Aaron Rodgers’ Younger Brother hotel room so the Producers can get the perfect shot heads back to her hotel room, she yammers about how she is in love with both Aaron Rodgers’ Younger Brother AND Fun Robby and OMG WHAT IF SHE IS IN LOVE WITH YAB YUM, TOO?

Speaking of, her final date is with the drab Yab himself. They play with dead fish, go on a boat ride, look at monkeys and sit on a beach. This date is much more my speed: more monkeys, fewer hot mountain hikes.

However, as they head back to their respective hotel rooms to get cleaned up for dinner, Fun Robby decides a surprise pop-in at Jojo’s hotel room would be a fun idea. There he tells her that he can’t stop thinking about her and makes some weird reference to “country clubs and coloring books” and she giggles and tells him that she’s on a date with someone else right now, but he doesn’t care, and somehow instead of being irritated or even a little creeped out by Fun Robby’s lack of boundaries or respect, Jojo the Unicorn seems charmed by it.


Anyway, dinner with Yab Yum. At dinner, Yab Yum talks about opening himself up emotionally and how scary and hard it is for him, and Jojo the Unicorn offers him the Fantasy Suite invitation, because, sure, why not?

However, once in the Fantasy Suite, the joke’s on Yab Yum, because the exact moment he finally finds it within him to tell her he is in love with her, she comes to realization that she just doesn’t like him in that way. Drink that champagne, Yab Yum, because you’re about to have a rough night.

After going outside for a long dramatic pause and to be eaten by Thai mosquitos, Jojo returns to the Fantasy Suite to apologize to Yab Yum and crush his Fantasy Suite dreams. It ain’t gonna happen, Big Guy. Time to get you in the Go Away Now Van. Yab Yum is, understandably, furious and goes on an indignant rant all the way to and inside of the Go Away Now Van. SO SHE OFFERS HIM THE FANTASY SUITE CARD AND THEN WAITS UNTIL HE AFTER TELLS HER HE LOVES HER TO SEND HIM HOME?  To be fair, that’s sort of Jojo the Unicorn’s entire modus operandi, just ask Cowboy Luke. But this is cold comfort to Yab Yum who, after telling someone for the first time in his entire life that he was in love with them, was unceremoniously dumped on national television in a foreign country for his trouble.

Anyone know any good therapists in the Denver area?

unicorn boy bye

Finally, the anticlimactic Rose Ceremony. Even though there are only two men left standing, and there are only two roses to hand out, Jojo the Unicorn is going to go through the motions of offering the roses to Aaron Rodgers’ Younger Brother and Fun Robby because “it’s a two-way street” and they might — but most definitely will not — say no. But they might! But they won’t.

Jojo the Unicorn explains to the men that she sent Yab Yum packing the night before only to have Yab Yum show up and interrupt the festivities to have one last word with Jojo. Privately, Yab Yum explains that after he left Jojo, he realized that he had ruined his chances to become the next Bachelor by yelling at her. In fact, he came to see that he actually has a pretty good Bachelor narrative — the whole, “I’d never told anyone I loved them and then the first time I actually get up the nerve to do so, she dumped me,” being a terrific sob story — but he has to make himself look like a good guy and not a petulant hothead before the Bachelor producers will actually want to work with him, especially if they have a good looking Texas cowboy vet just waiting in the wings and so he didn’t want to leave things on such an angry note with her. He’s not looking for a second chance, he just wants her to know that if she changes her mind about him, he’ll be waiting for her in the Bachelor McMansion with 25 other women and she can take her chances. OK, BYE FOR REALZ THIS TIME! ME AND MY MONKEY FRIENDS ARE GOING NOW! SEE YOU AT THE “MEN TELL ALL” SPECIAL, BYEEEEE!

And with that, Jojo the Unicorn returns to the Rose Ceremony:

Rose #1: Aaron Rodgers’ Younger Brother
Rose #2: Fun Robby

Good luck running the Jojo brother gauntlet, guys! Those crazies do not play around.

Note: As for the “Men Tell All” special, I’m sorry, but just I don’t have time to both watch and recap it, especially with Bachelor in Paradise premiering tomorrow. Tomorrow! Did we all know it was premiering tomorrow? Because I feel like I was left off of that memo.

But I will have the finale up and ready for you tomorrow. Until then, my little monkeys!

The Bachelorette airs on ABC on Mondays at 7/8 p.m.

This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.

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