July 18, 2016
HI HI HI! I’m back! Sorry for the two week absence, but I’m here now and we’re going to catch up with this thing, promise. Well, I might have to skip the dumb dumb pointless dumb “Men Tell All” special, but AS GOD IS MY WITNESS, I WILL CATCH UP WITH THE ACTUAL EPISODES. And then Jojo will make her final choice tonight and we can pack this nonsense up and move on with our lives … until tomorrow when Bachelor in Paradise begins, pass the tequila, por favor.
We begin the hometowns with Yab Yum in his lovely, snowy Denver suburb even though it must have been May when they filmed this? At the earliest? Maybe even June? And that, in conclusion, is why I’ll never live in Colorado.
So, Yab Yum’s big “family drama,” if we can even call it that, is that his parents had a particularly nasty divorce — and, in fact, haven’t even been in the same room together in years and years, so Jojo the Unicorn won’t be able to meet them all at once. Instead, Jojo first meets Yab Yum Sr. at Yab Yum’s house where Yab Yum Sr. is like, “Yep, she seems nice,” before stiffly shaking everyone’s hand and showing himself to the door. Yab Yum declares this to have been the most emotionally connected he has ever been to his father, which is really saying something, and what it’s saying is very sad.
They then head over to Yab Yum’s mother’s house where they meet The Former Mrs. Yum and her new husband, and Yab Yum’s sister, brother-in-law and nephew. The Former Mrs. Yum seems hung up on Jojo the Unicorn’s laugh for some reason — she keeps commenting on how great it is, as if that’s an actual character trait. And I suppose if Jojo the Unicorn had a hideously annoying laugh, like if she brayed like Horshack on Welcome Back Mr. Kotter (Google it, kids), that could be a dealbreaker. But it’s the only thing that The Former Mrs. Yum seems to really notice about Jojo? Which is a little weird? And then Yab Yum cries to his mom about how much he likes Jojo the Unicorn and I’m just very embarrassed for everyone.
Yab Yum and his sister have a whole conversation about how difficult it is for them to use the word “love,” and, just, wow, the Yums really did a number on these two with their divorce. Well done, everybody! Way to break your children!
Yab Yum finally walks Jojo the Unicorn out to the car where he tells her that he’s “falling in love” with her, which we just learned is a huge step for him, and we’re supposed to really care.
But do we? Do we really?
Next up: Chico, California home of ladies’ casual clothing and NFL player Aaron Rodgers. Jojo the Unicorn meets Aaron Rodgers’ Younger Brother for a boring, SO BORING, tour of his high school — and, honestly, is there anything more pitiful than an adult taking a date back to his high school so he can show off pictures of himself in his football uniform and be greeted by his old Spanish teacher like some sort of returning hero? Let me answer that for you: NO. NO THERE IS NOT ANYTHING MORE PITIFUL.
The couple then head to The Rodgers’ family home where Jojo the Unicorn meets Rodgers Father, Rodgers Mother, Older Rodgers Brother and Older Rodgers Brother’s Silent Blond Girlfriend. But not Aaron Rodgers because apparently he’s broken ties with the entire family. WELL THIS IS INTERESTING, TELL US MORE…
Instead, the family is coy about the whole situation, with Older Rodgers Brother telling Jojo rather vaguely that Aaron Rodgers’ Younger Brother misses Aaron Rodgers, but that it’s not something anyone likes to talk about. So instead, they’ll just set the table with two empty chairs to symbolize the fact that there is a very famous family member from whom they are all estranged and leave that at that.
However, all one has to do is dig around on the internet for a hot minute to find that the rift might have begun when Aaron Rodgers failed to show up at a family friend’s wedding where he was supposed to be a groomsman. His relationship with Olivia Munn also doesn’t seem to be helping matters, what with her going on Andy Cohen’s show and blabbing about their sex life. And then there’s Munn’s friendship with Aaron Rodgers’ Younger Brother’s Ex-Girlfriend which certainly doesn’t make things any easier, and the fact that Aaron Rodgers clearly feels like his brother has been riding his coattails. And in summation: families, man.
Anyway, Rodgers Mother bores everyone with a generic story about Aaron Rodgers’ Younger Brother threatening to run away when he was a little boy that I don’t actually believe has ever happened to any child, but instead is a generic childhood story that was invented for a 1950s sitcom that people keep recycling because it’s “cute.” And Rodgers Father wears jeans (that I’m willing to be he calls “dungarees”) with some very questionable stitching, and everyone seems very nice and very bland and they all blend in my mind into just slight variations on Aaron Rodgers’ giant square face.
As Aaron Rodgers’ Younger Brother leads Jojo the Unicorn out to the car, however, she begins making doubting noises again, unsure that she can trust Aaron Rodgers’ Younger Brother to really be in the same place she is with this relationship, and he’s all, “OH, COME ON.” (But she’s not wrong.)
Next up: Florida to meet Fun Robby’s enormous fun family. First Fun Robby takes Jojo on a carriage ride around St. Augustine to point out old churches and stuff, before taking her to some bar to get her loaded up on Long Island Ice Teas and talk some more about his previous relationship — the one he ended moments before flying out to the Bachelor McMansion. Jojo the Unicorn rightfully has some concerns that he’s not ready to move on, but he’s all “Pfffftttt. Don’t worry about it. The fact that I broke up with the woman I had been seeing for four years right before joining the cast of a reality dating show has no bearing on the fact that I am now in love with you, a person I met a few weeks ago in a manufactured set of circumstances.” And Jojo the Unicorn is all, “Sounds legit,” because she is a credulous idiot.
They then head to Fun Robby’s family’s home where Jojo the Unicorn meets his parents and all 17 of his siblings, and everyone is very handsome and friendly and the whole visit is completely unremarkable until his mother informs Fun Robby that his ex-girlfriend’s roommate has been posting on social media that he dumped his ex to be on the show. Fun Robby FREAKS OUT and immediately takes Jojo aside to tell her about the situation. Fun Robby explains that their relationship ended months before it ENDED ended, and that he hasn’t spoken to The Ex since December when he broke up with her and she slapped him (or she slapped him and he broke up with her; you know, tomato, tomahto). The point is, Fun Robby is really, really, really, really, really, really in love with Jojo the Unicorn now, and you can tell because he was the first of all the men to tell her that he loved her and that is what counts. Jojo the Unicorn is all, “I’ll buy it,” because, like I said, she’s a credulous idiot.
In other news, while I totally believe Fun Robby dumped The Ex so as to be on The Bachelorette, it doesn’t seem like The Ex is any great shakes, either. In fact, here she is on awful Chad the Villain’s Instagram, being awful:
While traveling this weekend, our paths crossed and I finally had the opportunity to meet Hope Higginbotham in person. Let me just say, she is even more beautiful in person! A great girl like her deserves so much better than someone who lies, cheats, and ends a four year long relationship in order to pursue fame on a tv show. You’re amazing, I miss you already @hopealverta . . . . . #TheBachelorette #TheBachelor #TheChadelor #Bachelornation #bachelormonday #bachelormondays #realitytv #realityshow#realitytvstar #realitytvshows #realityshows #realitytvstars #bravotv #mtv #abc #joelle #realitystar #realitystars #tvshow #follow #followme #love #datingshow
Ew, girl, no.
Finally, Jojo the Unicorn goes home to Texas, a little town called Burnet, specifically, to meet Cowboy Luke’s family. He meets her in the completely empty — zombie-apocalypse level empty — town square, where they pose photogenically against old limestone buildings and make small talk about cowboy boots. He then takes her back to his family’s ranch where literally the entire town of Burnet is waiting to meet her. No pressure or anything.
After the barbecue (because of course barbecue, it’s Texas, y’all), they go horseback riding and they chat on a picturesque bench as the sun sets behind them and then he takes her over to a spot where he’s created a heart out of flower petals and he tells her that “[his] heart is [hers]” and they kiss and there’s a lot of sappy contempo country music rising over the whole scene and this was the exact moment I realized Cowboy Luke will be our next Bachelor. You can bet your bottom dollar on it.
Hometowns accomplished, the men are brought back Los Angeles to stand around in an airport hanger for the next rose ceremony. For her part, Jojo the Unicorn explains that this is the hardest rose ceremony yet, but that she is pretty sure it’s time to send the cowpoke back to the ranch.
Line up, hair models.
Rose #1: …
But before she can hand out the first rose, Cowboy Luke asks to speak with her privately. There, he tells her that he loves her, in case she didn’t get that from the whole flower petal, “my heart is yours” thing back in Burnet. “Great, thanks,” says a suddenly indecisive Jojo the Unicorn who sends him back inside the hanger so she can wander around the tarmac, crying, occasionally squatting, and wailing that THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING and SHE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT TO DOOOOOOOOO….
To be continued, y’all.
The Bachelorette airs on ABC on Mondays at 7/8 p.m.
This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.