‘The Real Housewives of New York City’: Oh good, another holiday party.

The Real Housewives of New York City
“Unhappy Holidays”
June 8, 2016

So The Countess textpologized to Bethenny, but before Bethenny could even make it down the stairs to talk to her about it, The Countess had begun another rant about how Bethenny is trying to “take everyone down.” Bethenny responds by calling The Countess a dishonest person, pointing to the way she treated Princess Carole in regards to her relationship with the Duke of Radishes. The Countess claims she’s “delighted” for Her Highness and Bethenny both! before admonishing Princess Carole to not talk under her breath.

Bethenny sighs that her problems The Countess have been building up for a while, between the events over the summer and hearing that The Countess keeps trying to take credit for Skinny Girl to calling herself Sonja’s “mentor,” it’s all too much, The Countess just isn’t honest about the way she lives her life. Then both Princess Carole and Bethenny go after The Countess for her hypocrisy regarding how she attacked Her Serene Highness dating a younger man, when she had a whole stable of younger men of her own. This goes on for a while. Nothing new is said.

Meanwhile, in the other room:

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Bethenny explains to The Countess that she’s the type of woman other women don’t feel comfortable bringing around their men for fear she might steal them, a charge to which The Countess takes particular umbrage. WHY, SHE’S NEVER STOLEN ANOTHER WOMAN’S MAN IN HER LIFE. “That’s not what Sonja said,” Bethenny replies. OH SO WE’RE BELIEVING SONJA NOW? The Countess shrieks. As for Ramona, SHE’S JUST MAD I’M DATING A GUY SHE USED TO LIKE. IN FACT, THE COUNTESS DIDN’T EVEN KNOW HE HAD DATED RAMONA BEFORE SHE STARTED SEEING HIM. Bethenny points out that this is not accurate at all, and we go back to the whole thing where The Countess sleeps with married men and younger men and the criticizes others for the same behavior and even Dorinda is driven to the point where she says, and I quote: “I want to light my house on fire and burn it down.” I’m with ya, Dorinda.

Meanwhile, Bethenny keeps going after The Countess for calling herself Sonja’s mentor, at which point The Countess claims she needs to keep an eye on Sonja: what if Sonja were to go home with some random guy and they never saw her again? Which is an interesting question, but I’m unclear how The Countess is going to prevent that. The Countess then brings up the whole Tipsy Girl brouhaha, and Bethenny shuts it down: they are not going to even discuss that, and, by the way, she’s sorry for how she behaved with The Countess tonight, that’s not who she wants to be. It’s who she is… but not who she wants to be. Noted.

Dorinda takes advantage of the pause in the fighting to pull out the two lasagnas she made, one of which is thoughtfully Kosher, and they all sit down to dinner together. And that is when Santa Claus arrives — yes, Santa Claus — who passes out presents to everyone: customized wine glasses that can each  hold a bottle of wine, because that’s what is required to get through an evening with these ladies.

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But we’re STILL not done fighting! Bethenny apologizes again to The Countess for how she spoke to her, only to add, “but, you do have this cunning, crafty, slithery side…” which is not an apology? That is not how you make nice with people? By comparing them to snakes?

The women then put Ramona on the spot about whether or not she trusts The Countess around men she is interested in, and Ramona’s like, “NOPE.” Ramona then goes into a whole story about how this one time when they were out together, Ramona left the table and when she returned, The Countess had stolen her chair and the man Ramona had been talking to. This leads to a tedious back and forth over which of them is a more shameless flirt and the answer is BOTH OF YOU ARE TERRIBLE, there’s room for everyone at that particular table, ladies.

And with that, Bethenny announces she’s done here, goodnight.

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Instead, The Countess stays up a while longer and whines at Dorinda about how she wishes she’d just stayed home with Sonja and even squeezes out a few fake tears before Dorinda is like, “Alright, that’s enough out of you. Goodnight.”

The next morning, Bethenny wakes up to what she calls a “fight hangover,” and she and Her Serene Highness marvel that had Bethenny said just one of the things she said to The Countess to Princess Carole, they’d never speak again. Never! She was a terror! Then they agree that they should just pack their things and go home right now, because, honestly, what’s even the point.

So while the other ladies are making breakfast, Bethenny and Princes Carole literally go downstairs in their pajamas and coats, shove their bags into the waiting car and announce they are leaving.

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And with that, Dorinda shoves everyone else out the door, too, because ENOUGH.

Meanwhile, back in New York, Sonja spends the time she would have been being screamed at by Bethenny had she gone to the Berkshires by making her daughter a care package. The care package contains — and I’m not exaggerating — some snack bars, a handful of makeup removers, and a charging cable. Sonja also announces that she’s giving up drinking, not that it will be a hardship, so she claims. She’s not like these other ladies who are desperate for lunch because they need a drink.

OK. Sure. Definitely.

So Ramona decides she needs to throw a holiday party, because between Bethenny’s Secret Santa Caviar Party and Dorinda’s Not Birthday Holiday Slumber Party, we just haven’t quite celebrated the season enough. The Countess arrives wearing a red lace catsuit from her QVC clothing line, and it is so much red lace catsuit. “Wow, look at you,” Ramona says. When The Countess asks her if she likes it, Ramona replies, “I’m not sure.” Oh, you’re sure, Ramona. You know exactly how you feel about that red monstrosity.

Ramona then explains that she’s been thinking over what happened at the Berkshires, and she wants to help everyone mend their relationships and be friends again. To this end, The Countess needs to apologize, again, to Princess Carole, and Sonja needs to address the whole Tipsy Girl mess with Bethenny, and then everyone will be BFFs again, just like that!

So when Bethenny and Our Polish Princess arrive, The Countess sits them down to talk. Bethenny and The Countess apologize to one another for letting things escalate so wildly, and The Countess apologizes to Princess Carole for not apologizing to her earlier. Her Sereness reservedly accepts the apology but when The Countess adds that she misses Princess Radziwill as a friend, Her Highness is like, “Well, let’s not go crazy here.”

For her part, Bethenny literally makes The Countess say out loud, “I had nothing to do with Skinny Girl,” to settle that nonsense once and for all.

That bit of business taken care of (for now), Bethenny announces she has to be leaving, she’s travelling to Vermont that evening for the holidays, and proceeds to call her driver. Around this same time, Sonja arrives to the party, and Ramona urges her to go talk to Bethenny before she leaves. Sonja refuses, insisting that Bethenny told her she never wanted to talk to her again, and in the meantime, Bethenny does, in fact, leave.

bye don't follow me

The Countess and Ramona chide Sonja for not talking to Bethenny and letting her know that she plans on dropping the whole “Tipsy Girl” name. However, Sonja insists she has no intention of doing any such thing — and, in fact, I’m not sure she legally even could if she wanted to — but that’s of no matter to The Countess and Ramona who fret that Sonja’s “friendship” with Bethenny should matter more than a contract.

Dorinda arrives and tries to tell Sonja that she is grateful she wasn’t invited to the Berkshires. But Sonja is not having it, insisting that she could have used the time to talk to Bethenny and smooth things over.

what no michael bluth arrested development

Then everyone is yelling about who texted whom about what and it ends with Sonja yelling that Dorinda hurt her feelings by excluding her, that she is ganged up on ALL THE TIME, this is a TERRIBLE party, before storming out of the party in a snit. I don’t know, maybe Lady Morgan should have waited until after the holidays to give up the sauce?

The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo at 8/9 p.m.

This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.

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