‘The Real Housewives of New York’: The vagina monologues

The Real Housewives of New York City
“The Benefits of Friendship”
July 6, 2016

In what must have seemed like The Best Idea Ever, Ramona and Sonja take dance lessons from one of the Sushi Roxx go-go dancers. It’s equal parts hilarious, delusional and painful and makes me vow to never dance in public again. It also serves to make me nostalgic for Ol’ Lunchbox Head.



The old friends also briefly talk about The Countess and how she’s in lurrrrrrrrve and how they just want her to be happy, even if it is with a man they have both shtupped.

Elsewhere, Jules meets with her plastic surgeon to discuss the recovery of her vagina and whether or not it will go back to “her little pistachio.” She has the doctor examine her right there on camera with a whole crew in attendance. In contrast, I hate that there is even a nurse in the room during my annual exams because that’s just one more person who has seen my private bits. In other news, this is the third episode we have had to think about Jules’ busted vagina.

Speaking of vaginas, Bethenny is having some sort of promotional event for Skinny Girl candy which requires make-up artists and a bright red wig and a purse that looks like a Skinny Girl candy bar, and I have to say, for someone who is dangerously anemic, Bethenny looks pretty good! You’d never know she’d lost 10% of her blood in horrific vaginal hemorrhages!

Princess Carole attends the event, because Bethenny is on this big self-pity kick about not having any family to support her during her health crisis, and she wants someone at the Skinny Girl event to be “proud” of her. It’s sweet, but also I don’t believe for a moment that the Producers didn’t basically force her to bring someone along to make the event more Real Housewives-y/less free-Skinny-Girl-commercial-y.

Later, Her Highness Princess Carole accompanies Bethenny to see an Internist for a second opinion on how to treat her fibroids. The doctor suggests that they put off the surgery and try using natural progesterone as treatment. Because taking hormones is not surgery, Bethenny is enthusiastic to try this approach, and cancels her scheduled procedure. (It should be noted that from everything I’ve read, this particular treatment doesn’t shrink or eliminate the fibroids, it just slows the bleeding. But then, I’m not a doctor, so what do I know beyond what WebMD tells me?)

webmd its cancer

Even later, Bethenny has Her Royalness, Ramona and Dorinda come over for some vanilla latte tea, to chat about her health, and to compare notes on birth control, where we learn that when it was issue, Ramona used a diaphragm and apparently just had it jammed up in there at all times. That’s so much more information than I am prepared to deal with, you guys.

The topic of The Countess also comes up, Ramona explaining to Princess Carole that she TRIED to tell The Countess that she needed to reach out to Her Polish Highness, but that The Countess insisted she had apologized enough and that she had done everything she could to mend fences with Serene Princess. Her Highness — not incorrectly — notes that The Countess is confusing the high road with her high horse and then everyone starts talking about how self-absorbed she’s become now that she’s in this new relationship. Ramona and Bethenny, in particular, agree that they are seeing shades of “The Countess” coming out again. Meanwhile, Dorinda just silently listens to everything, taking notes.

So it’s not surprising at all when she meets The Countess for breakfast and repeats everything that Ramona had to say about her. It’s also not surprising that The Countess is NOT AMUSED. Dorinda urges The Countess to come to a dinner she’s organized that evening, in an attempt to get all of the women in one room at the same time — which I’m not sure has even happened once so far this season, come to think of it. The Countess, who is not feeling well, agrees to come for one drink and to GIVE RAMONA A PIECE OF HER MIND. And then Dorinda does her impersonation of Ramona which is honestly amazing, and far, far, far better than Ramona’s impersonation of Bethenny. Give Dorinda all of the Emmys.

dorinda as ramona.gif

Finally, Dorinda’s dinner, it happens. Jules arrives first and declares her vagina 95% healed, so hopefully we can stop worrying and talking about it already.

The Countess arrives next, followed by Princess Carole who is pressured to sit next to her. Bethenny arrives soon after, and The Countess asks about her health, only to announce that she’s not feeling well either, SHE HAS A COLD. It’s dreadful. Colds > hemorrhaging vaginas, duh.

Bethenny asks The Countess if she’s moved in with this boyfriend of hers, and The Countess explains that, in fact, she has, and that they have been ring shopping. Princess Carole congratulates her, and The Countess makes a huge deal out of this common courtesy, as though Her Highness wouldn’t have been able to muster even the slightest bit of politeness towards her.

Sonja arrives next and asks about Jules’ “cooter.” This leads to a discussion of how long one must go without sex after “busting” one’s “cooter,” and Her Royalness makes a joke about how if she were in Jules’ situation, she’d tell the Earl of Biscotti that she couldn’t have the sexytimes for 8 weeks. Bethenny notes that she thought Princess Carole and Duke of Tabouli made the sex all the time and this leads to all of the women squawking at once right as Ramona strolls in.

Irritated that no one is acknowledging her, Ramona pouts that she hadn’t been “invited” into the conversation, and in a huff sits next to The Countess. The Countess, for her part, wastes no time in telling Ramona that she knows she’s been talking about her behind her back — DORINDA TOLD HER EVERYTHING.  Ramona feigns ignorance for a while, before telling The Countess that she’s just heard some stories about The Countess from “the girls in Tom’s life,” including one in which The Countess pounced on him while he was on a date with someone else.

Bicker bicker bicker, and then Bethenny interjects that she just finds it really interesting that The Countess, Ramona and Sonja have so much in common between Harry the Ex and now this Tom guy. Because her head is soft, Sonja decides that it would somehow be helpful to The Countess to announce to everyone that she and Tom have been “friends with benefits” for the past 10 years. The Countess does not actually appreciate Sonja’s contribution to the conversation and after yelling that whatever happened “Before The Countess” does not actually matter to her, she screams that IT’S A SAD STATE OF AFFAIRS WHEN THE ONLY PERSON AT THE TABLE WHO ISN’T JEALOUS OF THE COUNTESS’ HAPPINESS IS PRINCESS CAROLE.

Oh, this is to be continued, darlings, don’t you worry about that.

The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo on Wednesdays at 8/9 p.m.

This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.

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