‘The Bachelorette’: Holding your horses

The Bachelorette
July 11, 2016

We are still in Argentina, with one too many suitors since Jojo the Unicorn was unable to get her act together in the previous episode and eliminate someone. To this end, Chris Harrison explains to our dummies that there are going to be four dates this week: three 1-on-1 dates, none of which will involve a date rose, and one group date which will. Anyone who receives a rose this week moves on to the hated Hometown Dates, so start cleaning those houses now, families.

The first 1-on-1 date goes to G.I. Joe, who apparently has been a whiny little baby about being the only man left who hasn’t had a 1-on-1 date yet, so here’s your time to shine, Soldier! “G.I. Joe: I gaucho on my mind.” The card writers aren’t even trying anymore, y’all.

G.I. Joe and Jojo the Unicorn are loaded up into a private car and driven an hour and a half out into the Argentinian countryside and they have literally nothing to say to one another. Nothing! Nothing at all. It is painful.

But not as painful as the “rap” the other man-apes do on the colorful bus they are loaded into, in what is easily the single whitest thing that has ever happened on this show.

This is not what our country needed after the week we’ve just had. This isn’t any kind of way to bring folks together.

These idiots are driven to what Cowboy Luke describes as a “sketchy” roadside barbecue place, and I’m sorry, son, but you’re from BURNET, TEXAS. If you can’t appreciate a roadside barbecue place, especially an authentically not fancy one, I suggest you surrender your Texas citizenship immediately.

shame-bell-game-of-thrones

As for Jojo and G.I. Joe, they arrive at an estancia, or “ranch” as they helpfully explain. There, Jojo the Unicorn and G.I. Joe are dolled up in “authentic” gaucho outfits, put on horses and ridden out to the middle of a field to view a demonstration of the deep connection between a gaucho and his horse. This demonstration turns out to be the most erotic — uncomfortably so — thing to happen on this season, maybe any season, of this show. The gaucho tucks the horse’s head down, which, somehow makes the horse lie down (quaaludes). So far, so not (that) creepy. But then the gaucho rolls the horse onto his back and begins crawling all over him to the point that if this gaucho doesn’t offer this horse a rose, this is going to be one very disappointed horse.

man and horse bachelorette.jpg

so thats how it is in their family ferris bueller

And to make matters somehow impossibly worse, Jojo the Unicorn and G.I. Joe are invited to “spoon” with the horse, which they do … and more. Is there not an Argentinian Humane Society? Is there no one to put a stop to this? Won’t someone think of this poor not-consenting horse?

That evening, G.I. Joe and Jojo have dinner, where he expresses how excited he is to bring her home to his family, which is a reasonable thing to say. However, G.I. Joe — who couldn’t sustain a conversation with Jojo for 90 minutes earlier that same day — this guy then declares that he is in love with her. In fact, he started falling in love with her the second he saw her, and he can’t wait for her to tell him that she’s falling in love with him, too.

And with that, Jojo pulls hard on the reins.

slow down crazy

Jojo explains that she appreciates how open he is being with her, but that she just doesn’t have those feelings for him, sooooooooooo it’s probably best he take his little gaucho beret and go home. With that, she packs him up in the Ir a Casa Ahora Truck and sends him on his way.

unicorn boy bye

Meanwhile, the other man-apes receive the next date card: “Aaron Rodgers’ Younger Brother: Let’s toast to love.” Aaron Rodger’s Younger Brother is more smug than usual at this turn of events.

Jojo the Unicorn and Aaron Rodgers’ Younger Brother take a private plane to Mendoza, where they go to a winery and smash grapes with their bare feet. So far, so not (that) creepy. But then they literally fill wine glasses with their foot-squished juice AND THEY DRINK IT. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.

Nope.

Over dinner, Jojo the Unicorn asks Aaron Rodgers’ Younger Brother who she would meet when if she goes to his hometown. He explains that she will meet his parents and older brother, Luke, but the middle brother, also known as Super Bowl MVP Aaron Rodgers, will not be there. As it turns out, Aaron Rodgers’ Younger Brother and Aaron Rodgers are not particularly close, and in fact haven’t really spoken in a while. It would seem growing up in the shadow of one of the best contemporary professional NFL quarterbacks doesn’t do great things for one’s ego, and there are some simmering problems there. Aaron Rodgers’ Younger Brother concludes this revelation by adding that he’s “so in love” with Jojo the Unicorn, but he doesn’t get kicked off the show for it.

The other man-apes receive the dreaded group date card: “Yab Yum, James Taylor, and Fun Robby: Let our love soar …” However, whatever “soaring” they were going to do on is canceled by an unexpectedly rainy day. So, instead, Jojo the Unicorn and the man-apes return to the Plaza Hotel in Buenos Aires and retire to a hotel suite which she has filled with unappealing-looking room service junk food. So far, so not (that) creepy. But then, for reasons that neither I nor James Taylor himself can explain, our boy from Katy proceeds to shove no fewer than 25 french fries into his mouth at once, nearly gagging himself.

latrice-thats-not-cute

The foursome play games like charades, Pictionary, and Truth or Dare which leads to Fun Robby running mostly naked through the hotel. At one point, James Taylor tattles on Fun Robby, claiming that he is constantly checking out other women to the point that the man-apes call him “W.E.R.” for Wandering Eye Robby. Which is about as clever a nickname as “Fun Robby” so who am I to judge.

Jojo then chats with each of the men individually, asking them about what she could expect on a hometown visit with them. Fun Robby explains that his family didn’t care for his previous girlfriend, but he’s sure that they’ll like Jojo! Jojo the Unicorn is like, “wait, rewind. Tell me more about this ex-girlfriend?” It turns out Fun Robby and this woman were together for nearly 4 years! and he only met her mother once! and his family couldn’t stand her (the ex, not her mother, probably because they never met her)! and they broke up 4 1/2 months ago! That is a lot of red flags! SO MANY RED FLAGS! But Jojo the Unidummy is all, “Thank you for being so forthcoming!”

Next, Jojo the Unicorn speaks to Yab Yum privately, and he admits that talking about his feelings isn’t easy for him, but that he’s trying.

yawn-project-runway

Jojo the Unicorn then talks to James Taylor about what a visit to Katy, TX would look like, and he describes a sweet, wholesome family — the kind that would create a sweet, wholesome guy like himself. James Taylor also worries that they don’t have as much of a physical connection as she does with the other, floofier-haired men, but she assures him that he has all the qualities she’s looking for in a husband. That’s not to say she’s going to marry him, don’t be silly! Just that he’s a really nice guy who seems to really like her. Which is entirely true.

As Jojo the Unicorn consults with The Producers, the three man-apes have a stupid argument about who among them is a “front-runner,” with Fun Robby preeeeeeeeety sure he’s in the lead here. And then Jojo the Unicorn comes into the room and hands him the group date rose, all but confirming it.

Finally, Cowboy Luke’s date with Jojo the Unicorn. They return to an estancia, where they ride horses and shoot skeet and just generally stick to things in Cowboy Luke’s wheelhouse. Jojo the Unicorn does ask him if he wants to stay in a small town — and trust me, Jojo, Burnet is a SMALL TOWN — and he makes a bunch of noises about how he just wants to be wherever the person he is in love with is. Jojo the Unicorn eats it all up with a spoon.

Jojo the Unicorn then announces that there will be no cocktail party before the rose ceremony. So, let’s just get on with it already: LINE UP, MAN-APES!

Rose #1: Cowboy Luke
Rose #2: Aaron Rodgers’ Younger Brother
Rose #3: Yab Yum

Which means, goodbye, James Taylor. Your hair just wasn’t nearly poofy enough, I’m afraid, and maybe shoving a plateful of french fries into your face wasn’t the best move. But I mean this sincerely: thank you for not humiliating your hometown. You did good, kid.

unicorn boy bye

The Bachelorette airs on ABC on Mondays at 7/8 p.m.

This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.

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