‘The Real Housewives of New York City’: Percocet pizza party!

The Real Housewives of New York City
“Steel Calzones”
June 29, 2016

We begin this episode at a “pizza party” that Jules has organized, which is just weird for any number of reasons. For starters, is renting out an entire pizza joint so you and your friends can make personal pan pizzas really a thing that adults do? I could see this being a fun birthday party for an 11-year-old, but grown women? Are we sure?

Jules is still talking to anyone who will listen about how she smashed her “schmuskie,” and shows Bethenny the photo of it that she still has on her phone. These words are spoken in this order: “Large swollen bruised bloody vagina.” Those words should never be spoken in that order. Bethenny then adds that the image is a lot to take in at a pizza place.

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Others ask how Bethenny is doing, and she and Dorinda tell the whole shopping/going to the doctor story, with Bethenny adding that she was grateful Dorinda was there to go her appointment with her. Bethenny then laughs in Jules’ face, “IMAGINE BRINGING YOU!” Ha? says Jules.

They begin making their individual pizzas, at which point Jules leans over to Princess Carole and asks if she should add her lidocaine or percocet to her pizza. “UH, NO,” Her Polish Highness replies. Instead, Jules appears to put a pile of pasta, silverware and a measuring up inside what becomes a calzone, before handing it over to be baked. While Jules prepares this masterpiece, Princess Carole begins asking her about her eating issues, going so far as to ask her weight. “I have no idea,” Jules replies, “When I go to the doctor, I turn around on the scale so I don’t see. I think 115?”

When Dorinda and Jules go outside for a cigarette, Princess Carole reports to Bethenny and Ramona that Jules claims she weighs 115 pounds and Bethenny is incredulous that Jules weighs even that much. “95 max,” Bethenny declares. And let’s just be really clear here: at 5’8″ neither 95 nor 115 pounds is healthy. And, in fact, when Jules and Dorinda return to the table, Jules carefully picks around the piece that Her Highness offered her, before taking a tiny bite.

Jules’ calzone, such as it is, is brought out, and Bethenny takes a slice before being shown all of its ingredients. Unsurprisingly, Bethenny finds the entire thing insane, but Jules protests that at least she didn’t add her percocet or adderall like she considered. Her Serene Highness asks her about the adderall, noting that one of the side effects of the ADD drug is weight loss, but Jules waves it off as unimportant. And anyway, Jules is going to a therapist even though she doesn’t “need” to. So mind your own business, Princess.


But Princess Poland is not going to stay out of it anytime soon, and in fact, takes her friend and former cast mate, Heather ice skating so that she can gossip about Jules’ and her eating disorder. Princess Carole’s theory is that Jules baked the silverware into the calzone to deliberately ruin it so that it couldn’t be consumed. It’s as good a theory as any, honestly, and as anyone who has ever been close to someone with an eating disorder knows, it’s not a condition that can be cured, only managed. So it wouldn’t be entirely surprising that during this stressful period in Jules’ life with the father and the busted vagina and the husband who is clearly cheating and the nanny and the being on a nationally televised reality show with a bunch of coked-up crazy people, that she might settle back into old bad habits.

As for Jules, she meets with Dorinda to complain about Princess Carole asking her about her eating habits and Bethenny “questioning [her] integrity” by laughing at the idea of Jules accompanying her to the doctor. Dorinda advises her to shoot back at Her Highness that at least she doesn’t date men who are 21 years younger (not good advice) and to confront Bethenny directly when she says something hurtful (good advice).

Jules then begins crying about how she just wants someone to take care of her every once in awhile, revealing that when she hurt her hoo-hoo, her husband didn’t answer his phone, and her brother and his wife had to take her to the ER. All of this happened around 2 p.m., and her husband didn’t show up at the hospital until 8 p.m.

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And then, AND THEN, she had to come home from the hospital and make dinner for the kids because her husband is just the literal worst.

Dorinda makes some “men are helpless idiots” noises before being like “OK, too deep, BYEEEEEEEE!”

Dorinda later helps Sonja clean out her basement. Let’s just pause here and talk about how much money you would pay to spend just 15 minutes in Sonja Morgan’s basement. CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE THE TREASURES THAT MUST BE IN THERE? I mean, sure, from the show it looks like it’s mostly busted hairdryers and bags and bags and bags of stuffed animals. But you can’t tell me there aren’t also piles of wigs, toaster ovens, costumes missing their bottoms, hilarious oil portraits of Sonja, dead pets, Morgan family heirlooms, and all manner of sex toys stashed away in there, too. You just know there are.

As Dorinda pries stained curtains and hairdryers from Sonja’s hands, she asks about the situation with Bethenny. Sonja tells her that she texted her saying that she is sorry about the whole “copy-cat” business thing, only to get a “Don’t worry about it” message in return. Sonja either then sent flowers or told Bethenny she was going to send flowers — it’s unclear — but Bethenny told her it was not necessary. So, progress?

The truth of the matter is that Bethenny has other things on her mind these days, namely her ginormous fibroids that are to be removed soon. Bethenny goes to her pre-op doctor’s appointment with a nonchalant attitude, and returns from it utterly terrified. Somehow, she had convinced herself that the fibroid removal wouldn’t be major surgery, only to be told to get her affairs in order and to expect a 3 day stay in the hospital and a 6 week recovery. She freaks out. There is much crying.

Finally, The Countess hosts a party, or maybe she just has people meet her at a bar, it’s kind of unclear. The ladies ask about Tom, who isn’t there, and whether or not The Countess is engaged. She explains that technically, no, they’re not engaged, but she thinks he’s waiting for Valentine’s Day because he’s romantic like that. She’s “engaged to be engaged.” We’re all clear, that’s not a thing, right?

Not at The Countess’ “party”: Bethenny and Princess Carole, which should surprise no one. However, it seems to surprise Ramona who takes The Countess aside and urges her to apologize to Her Highness. Again. The Countess — not unfairly — points out that she has apologized, many times, so the ball is in Princess Sereness’ court now. And the fact of the matter is, The Countess HAS apologized to Her Royalness, and Her Royalness has made it abundantly clear that she is never going to be friends with The Countess. Not ever. No matter how hard Ramona tries to make it happen.

But then The Countess loses me as soon as she starts going on about how Bethenny and Princess Poland didn’t even RSVP to say they weren’t coming to this party — as opposed to RSVPing to trips you’re not actually invited to — and AS A MATTER OF FACT, Princess Carole should apologize TO HER for dating her personal chef and niece’s ex-boyfriend. Which is, after all, the most sacred of all your meaningless relationships.

head desk mad men peggy

The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo on Wednesdays at 8/9 p.m.

This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.

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