‘The Bachelorette’: Cry for me, Argentina.

The Bachelorette
June 27, 2016

Oh, Buenos Aires, I am SO SORRY. You are a lovely city with great culture, amazing art and history and you do not deserve to have us drag our giant waxed American man-apes through your streets and make terrible puns about how many people, exactly, it takes to tango. But, alas, here we are to ruin your beautiful city. Lo siento.

buenos aires tragedy starship troopers

Chris Harrison and Jojo discuss how Buenos Aires is “the perfect setting to fall in love” as opposed to all those other places they have told us over the years were the perfect settings to fall in love. And Chris Harrison reminds Jojo and us that we are halfway through our long collective nightmare the process.

Chris Harrison then meets with the men, and informs them that there will be one 1-on-1 date, one group date, and FOR THE FIRST TIME IN BACHELOR HISTORY, another dreaded 2-on-1 date. WHAT MADNESS IS THIS? None of the men saw this coming and are shocked! SHOCKED! as they make their way to their much-too-nice-for-the-likes-of-them hotel.

There, the first date card arrives: “All-4-Wells: Bésame. Bésame, muchacho.” The man-apes know enough Spanish to know that “bésame” means “kiss me,” and for reasons that are unclear to me, All-4-Wells admits to all of the men that he hasn’t actually kissed our unicorn yet. Everyone grasps their pearls at this news, and immediately begin questioning All-4-Wells’ manhood instead of thinking that maybe, just maybe he’s a gentleman, or that perhaps Jojo didn’t actually want any of them shoving their tongues down her throats, either.

As All-4-Wells gets ready for his date, he puts his suitcase by the door, which the Producers only show us if they are about to send someone home; so adios, All-4-Wells! It’s a shame: you seemed like an actual person — an actual, dateable person — and not just a collection of muscles, hair product and teeth whitener.

But first, the date. Jojo the Unicorn arrives and Cowboy Luke makes a crack about All-4-Wells kissing her today, which makes everyone uncomfortable and was generally uncalled for. I expect better from you, Texas.

ron wanson angry disappointed parks recreation

All-4-Wells and Jojo wander around some market while All-4-Wells narrates how he’s looking for the “perfect” moment to kiss her, and is worried that there is too much pressure: if the kiss isn’t “fireworks,” he’ll be going home. Fact: there is not a “FORESHADOWING” gif floating around out there in the intertubes, but there needs to be.

Jojo the Unicorn brings All-4-Wells to a weird, interactive performing arts space where they watch some half-naked ladies swim in a transparent pool above their heads, and then there is a man running on a treadmill being fake shot in the gut and I don’t know how it all ties together, but sure. OK. All-4-Wells is forced to run on the treadmill before they do what they are OBVIOUSLY here to do: swim in the suspended pool, kiss.

mission accomplished ad

That evening, they have the obligatory dinner where they talk about All-4-Wells’ skepticism about being on The Bachelorette, his last long term relationship and how he feels that after time, it’s natural for passion to die. The first two? Totally fine with Jojo the Unicorn, but that last part? A STEP TOO FAR, SIR. Jojo the Unicorn is here for the lie fantasy that love never wanes and passion never dies and if he isn’t going to drink that particular Bachelor Kool-Aid, WELL GOOD DAY TO YOU, ALL-4-WELLS. NO ROSE FOR YOU.

unicorn boy bye

And then Jojo the Unicorn wanders around Buenos Aires alone, trying to look sad, while back at the hotel the men pretend to be surprised when All-4-Wells’ suitcase is dragged out into the hallway.

The next date card arrives: “Cowboy Luke, Fun Robby, Aaron Rodger’s Younger Brother, James Taylor, G.I. Joe: Livin’ la vida Boca. Jojo the Unicorn.” Which means the dreaded 2-on-1 date goes to Yab Yum and Charlie Brown’s Teacher. “Wah wah wah wah wah wah!” says Charlie Brown’s Teacher excitedly. Yab Yum glares.

Jojo the Unicorn and the men have one of those generic group dates where they don’t actually do anything but wander around, looking for photogenic children with whom to play soccer. Oh, and James Taylor spends a lot of time worrying that he doesn’t have a six pack, but otherwise, it’s an unremarkable date.

At the after party, Jojo has a sit down with James Taylor and his many insecurities, and he begins to warn her that Aaron Rodger’s Younger Brother isn’t the man she thinks he is, because apparently James Taylor HAS NEVER WATCHED A SINGLE EPISODE OF ANY OF THESE SHOWS. 1. Telling The Bachelorette/Bachelor that another contestant is different when The Bachelorette/Bachelor aren’t around never goes well for the tattle teller, ever. EVER. But 2. Aaron Rodger’s Younger Brother has so far not been given the Villain Edit. If Aaron Rodger’s Younger Brother has been behaving one way with Jojo the Unicorn and another around the other men, we, the audience, have not been seeing it — which makes me think it hasn’t been happening anywhere but inside James Taylor’s head. So do go on, James Taylor, what’s your evidence?

James Taylor shares with Jojo the Unicorn his Big Story: this one time? when the men were playing poker? they had a fight about the rules? and Aaron Rodger’s Younger Brother wouldn’t listen to James Taylor. Now, James Taylor does throw around words like “celebrity” (which is a bit strong) and “entitled” (which sounds more on the nose), but the best example he can come up with is a disagreement about the rules of a card game?

nene irritated

So, Jojo the Unicorn asks to speak to Aaron Rodger’s Younger Brother where she asks him about the card game and whether or not he considers himself entitled — a question that I am sure he can be completely dispassionate and honest about. Aaron Rodger’s Younger Brother, surprisingly, is not amused. After asking what it even means to “act entitled” (oh, honey), Aaron Rodger’s assures Jojo the Unicorn that he most certainly is not, and to even suggest such a thing besmirches his parents who raised him to have integrity.

Aaron Rodger’s Younger Brother then returns to the other men, where he confronts James Taylor about telling Jojo the Unicorn about their card game argument, but James Taylor is all, “~shrug~ What are you gonna do about it?”

And then Jojo the Unicorn gives Cowboy Luke the date rose, because, ugh, shut up, Aaron Rodger’s Entitled Younger Brother, and SHUT. UP. James Taylor. Insecurity is never a good look. Seriously, Texas, y’all are not representing.

ron wanson angry disappointed parks recreation

Back at the hotel, the remaining men receive the final date card of the week: “Yab Yum, Charlie Brown’s Teacher: It takes two. Love, Jojo the Unicorn.” HMMM. I WONDER WHAT THEY COULD BE DOING. IN ARGENTINA. THAT “TAKES TWO.” Charlie Brown’s Teacher is preeeeeeeeety sure he has this one sewn up, and explains, “Wah wah wah wah wah wah. Wah wah wah wah wah!”

So, you’re going to be really surprised by this, but Jojo the Unicorn takes the men to — GET THIS! — a tango lesson. I know! Tango? In Argentina? What a twist! Tango tango tango, and then some more tango and then when you just didn’t have quite enough tango, MORE tango. Tango.

They then head to dinner, where she takes Charlie Brown’s Teacher aside for a private conversation first. “Wah wah wah wah wah wah wah,” he tells her, sincerely. “Wah wah wah wah.” They kiss, there are mouth noises.

Next, she takes Yab Yum for a talk. Jojo the Unicorn tells Yab Yum that she’s concerned she likes him more than he likes her and he’s like, “WAIT, WHAT?” He assures her that he is falling for her and believes that this could be real between them. “GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME,” Jojo the Unicorn says, “CHARLIE BROWN’S TEACHER? GET OUT.”

unicorn boy bye

Jojo the Unicorn and Yab Yum go to some … place, some private room, where a woman serenades them with “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina,” because the Producers are going to cram every single Argentinian cliché they can into this date, dammit. Meanwhile, in the Go Away Now van, Charlie Brown’s Teacher literally cries:

why am i crying bachelorette.gif
LOL, I DON’T KNOW EITHER!

Finally, the rose ceremony.

buenos aires kill them all starship troopers

Instead, after some boring conversations that aren’t worth repeating, it’s time to pass out roses:

Rose #1: Fun Robby

Rose #2: Aaron Rodger’s Younger Brother

Rose #3:

But before she hands out the final rose, Jojo the Unicorn excuses herself and runs out of the building unable to handle the stress of the moment. Who is she going to send home? Our munchkin soldier? Or Katy’s most insecure singer-songwriter? WHAT A DILEMMA!

After consulting with Chris Harrison, Jojo the Unicorn returns and explains that she “couldn’t hand out the final rose,” and instead offers both G.I. Joe and James Taylor roses, eliminating exactly no one.

oh-brother-tina-fey

 

The Bachelorette airs on ABC on Mondays at 7/8 p.m.

Therese is also watching Game of Thrones, Fear the Walking Dead, America’s Got Talentand The Real Housewives of New York City.

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