‘The Bachelorette’: A cautionary tale about steroid abuse

The Bachelorette
June 6, 2016

Before Chris Harrison arrives at the house to inform the man-apes what their week is going to look like, we are reminded that no one, save Lucifer himself, actually likes Chad the Villain. Chad the Villain spends his days lifting weights, eating, waxing and oiling his chest and biceps, eating, lifting more weights, growling at the other contestants, eating, adding up how many calories he has eaten and lifting weights. At one point, he measures out what I presume to be materials for a “dude protein shake,” noting that he has reached “six hundo,” which in the ancient language of Meatheadese translates to “six hundred calories.”

dnaiel chad working out the bachelorette.gif
IMPORTANT: Do not let your toddler fall into the enclosure, lest we have to kill one of these endangered beasts.

Chris Harrison arrives with news: this week will be two 1-on-1 dates, and one group date, roses available on each. Chris Harrison then leaves the first date card and the McMANsion before the testosterone fumes overwhelm him.

“Chase (Who is Not Aaron Rodger’s Younger Brother Despite Looking Exactly Like Him): Let’s get physical. HEART SYMBOL! Jojo the Unicorn.”

Chase and Jojo the Unicorn go to a yoga studio where they are made incredibly uncomfortable by a yoga instructor who spends so much time using words like “pelvis” and “squeezing” and “intimate” and “angergasm” and grunting “HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY” while squeezing her pelvis and other intimate places to induce angergasms. TV-MA, HIGHLY INAPPROPRIATE FOR CHILDREN OR ADULTS WITH A SENSE OF DIGNITY.

The instructor then explains that Chase and Jojo the Unicorn will be performing something called, preposterously, “Yab Yum,” which involves Jojo the Unicorn straddling (or “mounting” as Jojo keeps saying to my eternal chagrin) Chase and breathing on his face. Sexxxxxxxxy — and completely appropriate for a first date.

After Chase reveals he doesn’t have a grasp of how pronouns work (“This date laid a foundation for Jojo and I to grow on.” NOPE. WRONG. TRY AGAIN, YAB YUM.), the two have dinner where he spends a bunch of time talking about his parents’ divorce. Jojo the Unicorn offers him the date rose, which he accepts, and then the two go outside for a Bachelor tradition: a private concert by a contemporary country musician no one has ever heard of.

Back at the McMANsion, the next date card is delivered: “Aaron Roger’s Younger Brother; Fireman Grant, All-4-Wells, Rocky, Mr. Intensity, Ali, Lucifer, Toasted, Santa, Boner, G.I. Joe, Chad the Villain: Love has no secrets.”

Acceptable responses to learning you are going on a group date: “Well, shoot. I am disappointed that I wasn’t chosen for the 1-on-1 date this week. On the bright side, I get to spend time with the Bachelor/Bachelorette this week, unlike some poor schlubs in the house who won’t get to talk to her at all until this week’s rose ceremony.”

Unacceptable responses to learning you are going on a group date: “I don’t want to go. I’ll wait for the 1-on-1.”

Guess which one Chad the Villain opted for?

Aside from not understanding how this whole date thing works (the man picked for the last 1-on-1 has already been determined, dummy, and was probably chosen moments after the last rose ceremony), Chad the Villain’s pronouncement that he’d rather not go on the date also strikes the other men as just plain insulting and they make no bones about it.

you-are-very-rude

 

James Taylor insists that Chad the Villain should be grateful; Boner offers to get a Sharpie and mark Chad the Villain’s name off the invite, prompting Chad the Villain to begin snarling at a low frequency; Aaron Rodger’s Younger Brother jokes that if they have some sort of team challenge, they’d only need Chad the Villain in a bench press competition, not a spelling contest. Chad the Villain is all, “OH YEAH, WELL YOU ARE A FOOTBALL PERSON.” G.I. Joe adds some Oscar Wilde-esque wit, calling Chad the Villain a poop, to which Chad the Villain responds that G.I. Joe will need more tattoos to look tough. They stare at one another for such a long time, it almost becomes romantic.

The next day, the men are separated into two cars. In one, Chad the Villain complains that he was only saying that he didn’t want to go on a date with 11 other guys, and everyone attacked him. Why is everyone so mean to him? In the other car, G.I. Joe and Boner agree that someone needs to set Chad the Villain off in front of Jojo the Unicorn so that she can see his true colors once and for all.

Thanks to a hilariously awful group date idea, this will prove to be even easier than anyone could have possibly expected. Jojo the Unicorn meets the men outside a non-descript theater and leads them inside. There, a woman comes to the stage and proceeds to pretend to have an angerorgasm before going on to talk about some of her sexual experiences and giving tips on the oral pleasures to the shock of most of the man-apes, who grasp their pearls and reach for their smelling salts. The MC of the show then announces that the men will be their guest performers tonight, each expected to tell a story from their own sexual past. Jojo the Unicorn then recites from a script the Producers gave her about how sex and intimacy are so important to her, and what is more intimate than recalling your sexual exploits in front of an audience of literal millions?

So the men are hustled backstage where they are given pen and paper and everyone busily gets to work, everyone but Chad the Villain who declares to his little buddy, Lucifer, that he doesn’t care about Jojo the Unicorn’s sexual past, and she hasn’t “earned” the right to learn about his, it’s none of her business.

girl really

 

He then accuses the other men of being good sports about this exercise because they are eager to prove they’ve “had sex with a girl before.”

Finally, the men are brought back into the theater, and one by one, go up to the microphone to tell their stories: being caught by the cops having sex in a public park; being caught by their moms having sex in their bedrooms; being caught not knowing what spelling out the alphabet with one’s tongue means; being caught surprised by a girl’s mustache. Most of the stories are, for reasons that should have been perfectly obvious to the Producers, COMPLETELY UNUSABLE ON TELEVISION. But there is one alarming bit from Lucier’s story that involves him with handcuffed woman whose hair he cut off with a knife he just happened to be carrying around on his person.

wait-what_glee

 

No, seriously, back up: isn’t there some sort of vetting process for this show? Don’t the contestants have to go through some basic psychological profiling before they’re allowed into the McMANsion? And if so, shouldn’t one of the questions they are asked be: “Have you ever cut the hair off of a sexual partner without their permission?”

So, Evan — Boner, as I affectionately, if not particularly creatively, call him — is the director of an erectile dysfunction clinic. (Side note about me: I am the daughter of a urologist [and in fact, I have an uncle who is a urologist, too]. I have grown up hearing more about penises, erections, erectile dysfunction, testicles, prostates and vasectomies than you can possibly imagine. I’m admittedly biased but I strongly believe that you should go to a medical doctor if you have urological issues, not a self-described “Erectile Dysfunction Specialist” — and feel free to contact me if you or a loved one are ready to get snipped.) As someone who has been around a lot of penises and knows something about faulty ones, Boner decides to use his time on the stage to offer some professional advice and warnings about the abuse of steroids. Now, all we hear from Evan’s presentation is that using steroids can lead to irritability, withdrawal from other people, and saying things like, “this girl is nagging me.” What we don’t hear from Evan’s presentation — but what he CERTAINLY said on stage — is how steroid abuse can lead to testicular shrinkage and a significant reduction in sperm count.

And so the point is, the punchline of Boner’s bit is, “Chad the Villain has small testicles and rage issues, HAHAHAHAHA.” As Boner returns to his seat, Chad the Villain is leaving his, and as they pass each other in the row, Chad the Villain grabs Boner by the back of his shirt, tearing it, and Jojo sees the whole thing.

Chad the Villain then marches up to the stage to take the microphone. There he asks for Jojo the Unicorn to join him as a volunteer, and she obliges. Once she is on the stage, Chad the Villain announces that he’s not interested in “the past,” he’s all about “the future,” and goes in for a surprise kiss. To Jojo the Unicorn’s credit, she’s mortified and turns her head in the nick of time. Humiliated, Chad the Villain grunts, “THAT’S ALL. THAT’S IT,” into the mic before throwing it down. And with that, the show is over.

But Chad the Villain’s night is just beginning! On his way backstage, he punches a door, tearing up his knuckles, and announces that he’s “going to murder someone.” He then fake lunges at Boner in that way that middle school bullies do to try to get you to flinch.

made you flinch

 

He’s a treat.

At the afterparty, Jojo the Unicorn hangs out with the guys, talking to Aaron Rodger’s Younger Brother about his past relationship and how he prioritized other things over his girlfriend. (According to him, “other things” were his career. According to the ex-girlfriend, “other things” were “other women.”) Jojo also talks to G.I. Joe, and Toasted, and All-4-Wells about who even knows/cares what.

While she’s visiting with Santa, Chad the Villain attempts to interrupt. When Jojo the Unicorn tells him to wait his turn, Chad the Villain petulantly takes a nearby chair, scraping it across the floor in the process, and then begins loudly whistling. In response, Jojo the Unicorn and Santa opt to get up and move to another location. And this is the difference between people who have had children and people who have not yet had children: I guarantee you that if Jojo was a mother, she would have marched into the room where Chad the Villain was having his tantrum and either told him he was in timeout and not allowed to speak to her until she indicated otherwise or sent him home altogether. Moms don’t have time for that kind of rude nonsense. NO TIME.

patti labelle has got no time.gif

Chad the Villain sits with the other men where he explains he wasn’t mad at Boner for the things he said about how Chad has testicles the size of lima beans, but that Boner tried to shove his way past Chad the Villain on his way back to his seat. Chad the Villain was just standing up for himself against Boner, The Real Bully, DUH.

Boner then joins the men, and asks Chad the Villain why he’s even here. He then goes on to point out that Chad the Villain still hasn’t apologized for attacking him and ripping his shirt. Chad the Villain is in NO MOOD to apologize, however, and instead accuses Boner of trying to bully him, and demands that Boner stay away from him.

Chad the Villain then goes into an interview where he whines that Boner is trying to villainize him — which is true! Boner is DEFINITELY trying to point out that Chad is a villain. But then Chad the Villain undermines his own argument by complaining that Boner has three kids and has already had his chance at love, making fun of all the other men in the house and announcing that he’s here to give Jojo a “breather from all the douches. You’re welcome. Here I am.” My point is it’s hard to be villainized by someone else when your default state of being is “Villain.”

grant spongebob bachelorette
Although he does have a point about Fireman Grant looking like Handsome Squidward. (twitter.com)

Chad the Villain finally has an audience with Jojo the Unicorn, where he shares his story about being the victim of Boner’s bullying, and Jojo’s response is that she’s “confused” by Chad the Villain. It’s just so “weird” to her that she’s hearing all these terrible things from the other guys about him. WHAT IS THERE TO BE CONFUSED BY? WHAT IS WEIRD? HOW IS IT NOT PERFECTLY OBVIOUS THAT HE’S A STRAIGHT-UP STEROID-POISONED SOCIOPATH WITH A VICTIM COMPLEX?

Boner then interrupts them for some time with Jojo the Unicorn, and manages to do so without getting punched, so that’s something. Once alone, Boner explains that while he doesn’t want to give up a chance with her, he can’t stay if Jojo the Unicorn keeps Chad the Villain around. This is not an unreasonable position to take on Boner’s part, if only out of concern for the safety of the rest of his wardrobe. But because of DRAMAZ! we have to pretend this is a Very Difficult Position for Jojo the Unicorn to be put in.

Jojo retrieves the rose, but announces that before she offers it, she needs to speak to Boner again. The whole thing is dragged out interminably to try to create some tension over whether Boner’s ultimatum doomed his chances, but in the end, she offers Boner the rose, letting him know that it was a hard decision for her (and she does not promise to kick Chad the Villain out just yet). Boner accepts the rose, and then grossly talks about how excited he is to go home and tell his children he “made out with Jojo.” GAWD, STOP, EW.

When they join the other men, Chad the Villain literally can not believe what he is seeing and asks if this is real life, is Jojo really “vibing this dude.” Jojo the Unicorn tells him he is being disrespectful and that she doesn’t like this side of him before dismissing the men for the night.

patti labelle has got no time
THAT’S MORE LIKE IT, JOJO.

As for G.I. Joe, he thinks this is about the best thing that has ever happened to him, and can’t wait to watch this scene over and over again on his DVR in a few months. You and me both, soldier.

Back at the house, the final date card arrives: “James Taylor: Let’s kick it old school. Jojo the Unicorn.” James Taylor, whom I’m obligated to remind you is from Katy, is shocked and thrilled.

The next morning, Jojo the Unicorn, looking like she was just transported from the 1940s, picks James Taylor up and they head to the Culver Hotel which apparently only caters to costumed cast members of reality shows. There, they take swing lessons and apparently Jojo the Unicorn develops the powers of levitation.

JOJO FLETCHER, JAMES T.
Neat trick! (ABC/Greg Zabilski)

Boringly, Jojo the Unicorn does not use her newfound powers over gravity for anything very exciting. Instead, when the two go outside, the street has been shut down and filled with dancers with much more skill than either of them and the whole thing is supposed to be like they walked into a scene out of Newsies? I guess? I have to be honest, I have no idea what is even happening here.

That night, they park on a cliff overlooking the city, and Jojo the Unicorn wonders if she is actually attracted to James Taylor. But then he begins telling her how insecure he is about his looks, so she has no choice but to offer him the date rose lest she look like a monster. He then pulls out his guitar from the trunk of the car and sings to her a contemporary country song and WAIT! was James Taylor accidentally made a contestant while applying to be one of the private concert-givers? Did they put his audition video in the wrong pile? James Taylor seems like a very nice guy, but now I can’t help but wonder if his being here was all a huge mistake.

Back at the house, meanwhile, the men have asked for a security guard to keep an eye on Chad the Villain, which 1. is not unreasonable and 2. leads to a series of hilarious scenes where a pudgy security guard conspicuously follows Chad the Villain around the pool.

At one point, Lucifer tries to talk some sense into Chad the Villain, concerned about his own reputation if Chad the Villain continues to be such a, well, villain. It devolves into Lucifer comparing Chad the Villain to, in order: Hitler, Donald Trump and Mussolini.

the bachelorette hitler daniel chad.gif

 

Ultimately, Lucifer begs Chad to be “more like Mussolini” and less like Hitler, which is not where I think he intended this conversation to go. Also, if you ever have to say the words, “Let’s not pretend I’m Hitler,” you probably need to take a long hard look at how you found yourself in that place.

The day of the rose ceremony, Chris Harrison swings by the house to deliver some news: 1. there will be no cocktail party that night, they’ll just head straight to the eliminations and 2. Jojo the Unicorn will be there shortly to spend the day with them at an all-day pool party. “WOO-HOO!” say all the man-apes, but for Chad the Villain who says OUT LOUD that he does not want the other men to see her in a bikini, and that he already knows what her body looks like in a bathing suit, he “can tell through her dress.”

what no michael bluth arrested development

As Chris Harrison takes his leave, Boner follows him out, asking to speak to him for a moment. There, Boner tattles on Chad the Villain, telling Chris Harrison things that he certainly must already know: that Chad the Villain got rough with him and tore his shirt and said mean things and the men asked for a security guard to keep an eye on him, that’s how dangerous he is. So, Chris Harrison agrees to talk to Chad the Villain. Despite the other men hoping this is where Chris Harrison kicks Chad the Villain off the show, the talk basically ultimately amounts to Chris Harrison telling Chad the Villain to knock it off, he means it.

But that’s all it takes to utterly INFURIATE our ‘roid monkey, who storms back into the McMANsion promising to “cut everyone here’s legs off and arms off and there’s going to be torsos and then I’m gonna throw them in the pool and I’m going to ƒ*©ß up this entire damn thing…”

And on that happy note, we end with the dreaded TO BE CONTINUED. It will be continued tonight, because someone at ABC hates me and wants me to be late with my Game of Thrones recap. AGAIN.

 

The Bachelorette airs on ABC on Mondays at 7/8 p.m.

This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.

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