The Real Housewives of Dallas
“Killing Time in Austin”
June 6, 2016
We begin the episode with everyone getting ready for their big trip to Brandi and Stephanie’s Austin lake house. Apparently, Brandi and Stephanie’s husbands built this house together — and I suppose they all own it together? I’m very confused by this very confusing ownership arrangement which just sounds like a recipe for disaster. All it would take to throw everything into legal and financial chaos would be if one of the two marriages were to end acrimoniously, or there were some sort of falling out between friends. Of course such things never ever ever happen, especially not to the type of people who play out their relationships on national television.
Anywhoodles, everyone loads up on the party bus they’ve hired to drive them down to Austin so that they can drink and drink and drink and drink and, in the case of Brandi, pee in a cup — even though there is a Buc-ee’s in Temple. If you could just hold your bladder until Temple, you could have gotten yourself some jerky and Beaver Nuggets, girl!
As LeeAnne sneers that Brandi should be able to hold her bladder for three hours, Brandi laughs that at least she doesn’t poop in a bag in the back of a car. And you can hear the record needle scratch right across LeeAnne’s brain…
Brandi immediately tattles that Taylor told them all about LeeAnne’s pants-pooping adventures, and Stephanie adds that Taylor claimed That Marie Person told him. That Marie Person denies everything, but LeeAnne is underwhelmed by her protests, pointing out that only three people knew that story: herself, Tiffany and That Marie Person — and none of them had permission to share it. On the bus, LeeAnne claims that she wouldn’t be able to poop in a bag if she tried, before going on to explain in an interview that actually, this one time, she made herself an Ex-Lax and vodka martini. It didn’t end well.
The group arrives at the lake house which appears to be nowhere near a lake, where they unpack and settle in. Brandi spends a little time with Tiffany and LeeAnne, opening up a little more about her brother’s struggles with PTSD, thanking Tiffany for Keith Urban Jr.’s tribute to him, and worrying that she isn’t giving him the support that he needs. And then everyone gets back to the Very Important Business of drinking entirely too much. Fireball shots all around!
The ladies sit down to a catered dinner because did you expect them to cook food for themselves? They are Real Housewives, not savages. After Very Drunk Brandi makes a joke about eating balls (don’t know, don’t care), Some Woman Named Courtney tries to make conversation by asking who — living or dead — the ladies would like to have dinner with.
Some of their selections: Clint Eastwood, Mother Teresa, Princess Diana and “Meryl Streep’s character in Sophie’s Choice,” or, as she is known in the movie, “Sophie.” (And can we just talk for a second about what a weird choice that is? Meryl Streep is a great actress, but Sophie Zawistowska would not exactly make the happiest of dinner companions.) LeeAnne starts talking about how she’d like to have dinner with her grandmother who took her in when her own mother was unable to take care of her and trust issues and vulnerability and blah blah blah, she had a rough childhood, we get it.
Cary notes that she, too, has a hard time opening up to people, so she finds it strange that LeeAnne was so quick to judge her. LeeAnne, however, informs Cary that she is NOT judgmental. “Judge” and “hate” are words that can NEVER be applied to LeeAnne. Pretty much everyone at the table but Tiffany:
Then Very Drunk Brandi struggles to open a bottle of wine that she most certainly does not need to open before doing somersaults on the dining room table.
The next morning we learn that as soon as the cameras left, LeeAnne began screaming at the top of her lungs — “roaring, her voice was literally roaring throughout the house,” as Brandi describes it — at That Marie Person, going so far as to threaten to kill her. Cary had the wherewithal to film some of the confrontation on her phone, but did not have the wherewithal to not film in portrait — WHY IS IT SO HARD, AMERICA? And from the very little that is heard, it sounds … intense.
Tiffany urges LeeAnne to make nice with That Marie Person, so she goes downstairs and asks That Marie Person if she’d like to talk, and That Marie Person asks if she’s calm. Oh, honey, no, not ever. Through gritted teeth, LeeAnne “calmly” explains that she’s agitated with That Marie Person making life “Hell” for her, while That Marie Person, clearly terrified, reminds LeeAnne she said she was going to “kill” her. LeeAnne does not dispute this, but claims, hilariously, that what That Marie Person thinks the word “killing” means is not what LeeAnne thinks the word “killing” means. This is a point that she will try to make again and again while everyone else laughs incredulously.
Cary, Stephanie and Brandi join the conversation, chastising LeeAnne for her outrageous behavior, and LeeAnne is like, “Whatever, y’all, I’m ‘sorry,’ but none of this is really any of your business and anyway I didn’t threaten anyone’s life, so calm down.” In an interview, with a straight face, LeeAnne asks, “Ain’t you ever heard somebody in the street say, ‘Imma kill yo ass?'” And yes, she used the inappropriate and racist accent you think she did, of course she did.
Cary tries to ask That Marie Person if she felt threatened, but That Marie Person just whimpers that LeeAnne was very angry and tries to leave it at that. Meanwhile, Tiffany jumps in to defend LeeAnne, swearing that she was never a danger to anyone, while LeeAnne explains that if she “were perfect, [she’d] be nailed to a cross.” LOLOLOLOLOL, OK.
So, LeeAnne, having had enough, calls a cab to … what? drive her four hours back to Dallas? is that her plan? all the while complaining that she is being demonized for just yelling at someone while CARY IS A HOMEWRECKER.
In any event, Tiffany and Brandi of all people, convince LeeAnne to stick around and go to the spa day they have set up at the Four Seasons. There, Brandi, Stephanie and Cary wonder about LeeAnne’s weird “abusive” relationships with Tiffany and That Marie Person, curious that the two of them would remain friends with her for 20 plus years. Which, WORD. Not only would I not put up with someone screaming in my face that they were going to kill me — because, let’s be clear, that’s a deal breaker right there…
… but I’d have already been out the door after the third time I had to hear about how LeeAnne “didn’t have a voice” when she was a child. WE ALL GET IT. ENOUGH.
Meanwhile, in another room, That Marie Person tells LeeAnne that she loves her “unconditionally” and cries a bunch.
Anyway, after their massages, the ladies slather on makeup and squeeze into adult rompers and go out to dinner at some steakhouse where no one is comfortable and everything hurts, especially for Brandi who is still hung over and who begins talking about sharks? for some reason?
LeeAnne begins playing with her phone, which Cary does not appreciate, and calls her out on. So LeeAnne whines that Cary is “judging” her. Tiffany then jumps in and demands that everyone stop “attacking” LeeAnne, to which Stephanie is like, “I’m sorry, who’s attacking whom here? LeeAnne has attacked pretty much everyone at this table at one point or another, most recently her ‘best friend’ That Marie Person.”
Tiffany denies hearing anything that happened the night before, to which everyone is like, “OH COME ON.” Brandi then expresses her frustration at Tiffany for defending LeeAnne’s behavior at every turn, a fight that turns into the women hissing over one another to, “LET ME FINISH, PLEASE…” Tiffany then calls Brandi dumb, so Brandi leaves the table while Tiffany sighs that she just “surrounds [herself] with people who bring out the best in [her] and so many times in these situations it’s brought out the worst in [her].” What? What does that even mean? Anyway, before checking on Brandi, Stephanie scolds Tiffany for enabling LeeAnne before asking her to “not bring it in [her] house.” Fair enough!
Then everyone returns to the table where no one says anything until Cary is like, “I’m done, bye,” and everyone leaves. A+++ Girls’ trip, everyone! Fun times! Must do again!
The Real Housewives of Dallas airs on Bravo on Monday at 9 p.m.
This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.